I realize I use this blog, no more for updates, but more of reflection when things … well, when things suck. By things, I mean “life”.

It’s not so much that it’s public for others to read(although hopefully it helps others realize they aren’t the only ones in the world screwed up), but by me putting pen to paper helps me to let it go. It’s as if once it leaves my head, and put on paper, it’s out of my head for good.

The past few weeks of life have been humbling, sobering and really just depressing but as usual, life offers a lesson, even if it’s the worst way possible.

I suppose I’ll start with the trivial. The, not so important but plays a factor.

I’m single. Still. Again. *insert adjective here*

There are really only two events out of the year that make being a bachelor really downright depressing. The first is Valentines day. I realize it’s a overly commercialized holiday, but at the core, it’s really screams to me, “Be thankful that you’re in a relationship”. Of course that assumes you’re in a relationship that makes you happy. I’ve been in one relationship where I felt like, if I pursued the “break up”, severe emotional damage would have been had and thus I stayed in it for far too long. The other occasion is Christmas parties. With work it’s weird because I work with a bunch of nerds, who have somehow secured meaningful long lasting relationships. There isn’t anything quite like seeing people whom you subconsciously think are nerdier than you with their spouses to make you feel like damaged goods.

Add to it the 10 or so dates I’ve had, I’ve endured the “no call backs”, sprinkle in the few times I’ve been stood up and well, you get a man(me) that’s running on 0 confidence, and just enough pride to limp along with.

By no means am I “ok” with it, and I do realize I’m not a perfect catch for everybody, but the thought of, “Hey, you… yes you. You being you isn’t good enough for me.” is really humbling and moreso depressing. Although I’ve been in this situation more times than not in my life, I’ve learned to deal with it. I think I manage this portion of my life rather well, but even so, there is only so much a man can take and this just lowers the depressing hole one can find them in by a few feet.

There was somebody at work who had passed away a month or two ago due to cancer. I can’t admit to honestly knowing him on a personal level, but I did interact with him on a few occasions as he played a vital role with our receivers team. It just sucks. Plain and simple. Cancer is a hideous disease, that doesn’t have an ounce of mercy within it. It doesn’t care about race, sex, age or anything. Once you’re number is called, it’s called. Anyways, I bring this up because at our holiday christmas party/meeting, a moment of silence was given to him, and I thought that was incredible. I’ve not worked at, until now, a company that cared so much about it’s employees. They made donations to a local cancer fighting organization in every employees name and in november every year going forward, they will sponsor a blood drive. It’s really incredible and I was deeply moved by the gesture. It got me thinking about my time fighting the dragon and how I was very lucky to survive. Fast forward the company meeting and somebody mentioned how they’d like to donate our work to charities, especially those that deal with kids fighting cancer.

Anyways, I can’t really describe how shitty I felt. I know what a fuck up I’ve been, and what a mind fuck cancer has had on me  and to know others are currently going through it now is just really shitty. Did I mention how much I hate cancer?

Another reason I think I’ve been so humbled/down lately is because a my buddy Max is no longer with us. He was a proud protector and although he was a dog, he was definitely a great friend. When I got wind of the news, it was like an elephant sat on my chest.

So … I brought up my coworkers story, and also max’s story to share these long winded thoughts.

My coworker,before he died, requested that everybody who attended his funeral wear a silly hat. I assuming as a way to celebrate his life rather than mourn his death. It got me thinking, that if I could have a five minute conversation with Max, he’d probably want the same thing. You know, now that I think about it, I would want this too. So I figured I’d share one of the many great memories I have of my Max as a way to celebrate life, rather than mourn death.

Max hadn’t been more than a year old, but he was already family by that point. We had a booth setup along the circle that was to be used for the Relay for Life. Essentially, people walk 24 hours straight to help money to find a cure for cancer. Right next to our booth, we had our tent setup and it was late so I was ready to go to bed. I tried to sleep, but for 10 minutes, there was scratching outside the tent. It was max wanting to come in with me. As it would turn out, I didn’t get much sleep because as people would walk by he would huff and puff and growl at the people walking past where I was trying to sleep. He stayed up all night watching over me, and into the morning, and he then stayed with my mom to watch over her as well. Poor guy was so tired from his protecting duties that he slept for a solid day before he was back to being normal and peppy Max.

“Good friends we’ve had, and good friends we’ve lost … along the way. In this great future, you can’t forget your past. So dry your tears I say.” ~Bob Marley

Life’s uglyness has again shown it’s head, with death, past experiences, and of course my current level of optimism at an all time low. It’s been safe to say that the past few weeks for me have been humbling.
It kind of all came together for me last night though, this whole life thing, on the outskirts of a mosh pit of all places.

You see, I stereotyped mosh pits for meatheads and idiots …. and I was right. I didn’t realize though, how uncivily civil it was. Uncivily is the act of not being civil and is a word I just concocted. However, I’d never really seen too many of them given the type of music I listen to doesn’t really necessitate a mosh pit, and two, once they start up, I tend to head in the opposite direction because quite frankly, I’m a coward. There is really one rule for a mosh pit, and that is, everybody stops once somebody falls down, and everybody helps pick that person up. Once that person is back on their feet, chaos ensues, elbows fly and people go back to being meatheads and idiots. But seriously, somebody falls down, everything stops, person is helped up by the same people that just knocked him down, and literally the second he/she is back on their feet they are back to thrashing around pretty violently. It literally is the most civil and uncivil place you can be at THE EXACT SAME TIME. Dudes. Chicks. It didn’t matter. If you’re in the pitt, elbows up, and start running. The very first pitt that formed, we were literally like 3 people away. I was honestly uncomfortable, as the rules I mentioned above I didn’t know given it was such a unique experience for me.

By the time wayne static came on(the dude who was in static x), the mosh pit was ridiculously chaotic. At least it was something I wouldn’t run through, whether it was a crappy one, I’ll probably never know, but you get the point. I know what you’re thinking. What was I doing at such a concert?

Free tickets.

Anyways, at this point there were two pitts, where we were standing that just automagically formed. You got dudes going from one side to another, drunk, high, bloodied lips, cuts above the eyes, all having a great time. There really wasn’t a choice to move or leave, given how the pitts formed you were just kind of stuck there left to defend yourself. There wasn’t a mosh pit located 3 people away, it was happening regardless there and now. You’d push people who got to close to you, go grab dudes who had fallen over next to your feet and pick themup. Between songs, I looked to one of the guys who were forming the boundaries and I was like, “Do you just push them back in if they get to close?” and he responded “What, you’ve never done this before?”. Keep in mind. Next to a mosh pitt, at a static x concert, I’m in a really nice polo shirt and a dress coat. I kind of did the hand wave thing as if to say, “look at me,does it look like I’ve done this before?”. HAHA, He nodded as if to say “Yup” and the mosh started up again. Just to note, I wasn’t actually in the pitt, but I was in what they call “The Wall”. It’s made up mostly of brave cowards. One guy fell down and after I picked him up, I pushed him square into the middle, he got wacked, and he came walking slowly, drunkly towards me and I was like, “dammit, I let my guard down and now I’m going to get my ass kicked”. Instead though, he high fived me and lipped(it was bloody loud) what I think was “That was awesome!”.

I didn’t really care for static-x, errr, wayne static last night, and I probably won’t today. However I do have a new found respect for their style of music. By the end of the night, I was throwing up the rock sign with my right hand, shoving drunken meathead idiots back into the pitt with my left hand, and it was awesome!

Like I said, I’d just been given the “no call” on a previous date and wasn’t feeling all that great about myself. Thinking about Max. Thinking about life and how unfair I felt it had been to me. You know, typical self pitty stuff. It’s when I just relaxed, enjoyed a new flavor of music, let out my agression on drunken idiots and then and there it just sort of hit me. Like an anvil out of a classic cartoon.

Life is really like a mosh pitt to an uber nerd like myself. It can be super super uncomfortable at times, and most of the time I’ve spent my time running away from it. Every now and then when shit happens, it kind of just forms itself around you, and you can’t control a damn thing. Sometimes you know the rules of the pit, and other times you just learn as you go. You just hope if you get knocked down, you’ve got a supportive cast to pick you back up again.

If I’ve learned anything over the past 24 hours, it’s been this.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. And I’ve been fool and I’ve been blind, I can never leave the past behind. Just shake it out. Shake it out.

That’s florence and the machine by the way. I wouldn’t recommend finding your life altering mosh pit at one of her concerts(lol, you won’t find any), but I would recommend you go out of your way to find your own mosh pit in life, take your bloody eye, knicks and bruises, get out of your comfort zone , learn to relax and try to make the most of it. Because it will be over before you know it.
Peace, I’m outta here.