Let me first start off by stating that this is in no way a plea for help, nor is does this sound as cynical as it actually is. What you’re reading is simply one man’s way of excercising his demons. Some let his frustrations out by beating the bejesus out of his wife, or drinking himself into a stupor, or driving his car off a cliff.
Not me.

By all definitions of the word, I’m a pansey. A momma’s boy.

I write.

Most people who get to know me, know that I usually wear my heart/emotions on my sleeve and tend to not let the world get me down. On any given Sunday and sometimes on Thursday I’d agree.

Not latley.

There is really no other word for it other than Depressed. To say that I’m feeling Bi-Polar would be incorrect, as that’d assume I’ve had some really high highs. Nor would it be fair to say that I’m in a funk, as a funk would be a quick one or two week … well … ”funk”.  It’s a full on bout with it too. One that I’ve only felt once or twice before in my life. Once when I had cancer, and the other was shortly after leaving home for college. At least with the previous two episodes I knew the cause. Obviously cancer, and the second I had some awfully shitty luck and the typical college learning experiences coming full bore at me. This time, for the past few months, I have no clue what’s causing it. No clue. None, zero, zilch.

So incomplete, your stare is cold unlike anything I’ve ever seen.
So incomplete, my body is tired and falling apart at the seams.
I won’t deny, I took no part in ever wanting you back.
And don’t deny, one day you’ll need me.

For the past few weeks, I’ve done my best to avoid it, but it’s to a point where it’s unavoidable. I feel as if I’ve hit rock bottom. The frustrating thing is that I don’t know why. I could blame it on a chemical inbalance in my head, or laugh it off as just “one of those periods in my life”, but that’d be being dishonest with myself as I’m sure it’s not that. I say that because crazy thoughts aren’t running through my head(see list above). It’s just that random things trigger “it”. “It” being me wanting to drop to my knees, scream and curse to the heavens, or curl up in a bawl with teary eyes and sulk.

I read a bunch of self help books, about a billion and one articles and I’ve come across some really good theories. Unfortunatly, that’s all that they are.

Theories.

I read on one site that in rare cases severe depression(again, it’s not fair for me to say severe depression) that it was caused by this form of birth control. Luckily for me, I’m not on birth control, unluckily for me that can’t be the culprit.

Another said it could be my diet. I suppose that could be the case, except for the fact that I’m on the see-food diet, and eating is actually one thing that somewhat perks me up.

Lets see, another said major drama in my life. There isn’t any. I’ve been single now for a while, and although my job isn’t where I want to be in life, there really isn’t any major drama going on. Yes, I did adopt Bella, but if anything, she’s been the greatest thing to happen to me all year.

I used to listen to love line back in the day, and Dr. Drew, GOD love him, but his job is too easy. **tangent** If you’re calling his show, wondering why rabbits turn you on, or why your attracted to mates 50 years older than yourself please ask yourself if you grew up in an abusive (physical/emotional) household …. and the answer is ALWAYS yes … please seek therapy. That’s always his advice **end tangent**.  Having gone on my tangent, I DID ask myself those questions. The answer is a definitive NO. To say that I got my ass kicked when I deserved it and calling it “abuse” would be an inaccurate statment.

I dunno …

I don’t know what makes me want to break down in public. Nor do I know what makes me want to break down in private. I just don’t know, and that’s the GOD honest truth.

I always hated hearing how millionares complained, about this or that. Although I’m no millionare, I feel rich inside, maybe not monetarily, which is why it’s hard for me to admit these things. I can hear the scoffing, and the mumbles  but I just don’t get why I feel this way.

All my life I’ve been looking for the answers to the questions you never asked. We never planned on this disaster.

When will I let it go?