The 10,000 pound gorilla on my back.

From time to time these gorillas are thrust upon me unknowingly, other times they are babies in which I grow and nurture to adulthood and beyond. All kinds of gorillas, financial, spiritual, friendship, relationship among many. I’ve had my fair share of gorillas on my back, and I’ve schlepped them along for various amounts of time ranging from a few minutes, to a year. Some are lightweight, these types are usually ones that after a few days or weeks you don’t notice. Others …. others are incredibly difficult and incredibly heavy with the burdens they bring along usually heavy enough to drop you to your knee and beg for mercy.

In my short time here on earth, I realized I’ve been paying attention to the wrong details. All along, I’ve only payed attention to the how and the why these gorillas were placed on my back. How could this have happened? Why have I been given the burden of this gorilla yet again?

One of the many things I’ve learned is that regardless of what you do, these gorillas will be there. One way or another, and if your back is currently empty, there are plenty of them waiting to be dropped upon you. And trust me, if it’s not one type of gorilla it’s another, and it’s never ending. What I failed to realize is that while I’m bearing the burden of these heavy heavy gorillas on my back, they are trying to communicate with me ways to carry them more efficiently, so that way next time the burden isn’t so heavy.

My most recent gorilla was a big one. The unemployment gorilla. He’s come and gone since the last time I’ve spoken to you, but in light of it all, It’d be foolish of me to think I’ll never see him again. It’d be foolish of me to think I can avoid him forever. However, I do feel confidant he’s given me the wisdom to effectively and efficiently carry him the next time I see him.

For now though, I’m happy I won’t have to see him for a while, and I’m happy I have time to take that wisdom that he’s taught me for the next time I see him.

This photo was taken shortly after I originally got Georgina. However, Georgina at the time wasn’t Georgina, she was a he, and his name was George. When I originally picked “him” up from the store, I was told that she was a he!

Fast forward a bit later, and two geckos later, he was laying eggs and not so much a he anymore! It was pretty awesome, and very weird calling George Georgina. Very weird indeed.

I’d also like to point out, this photo was one of the first few I took with my new camera.

It would seem as if everytime I blog as of late, it’s turned to a venting session or something catastrophic. Sadly, this post isn’t the exception. It’s been a rough year for me. I know, I’ve stated that within numerous posts and still, with a month and half to go, the ’08 year isn’t quite through with me yet.

It seems as if almost two years ago exactly (well minus two weeks or so) that I’m going through the same thing. I suppose that’s why I blog. It’s curious to see the blog post title in which I posted before, and as I’m going through the same situation, I think the title fits perfectly.

“Even though I’ve come so far,  I know I’ve got so far to go and any day now I’ll explode”

~ Rise Against

I really do feel as if I’ll explode. It’s not a matter of years, months, days, hours or minutes but mere seconds. It’s amazing the amount of stress the human body can endure. I’m so nervous and stressed that I can’t eat, and usually when I do eat, it ends up coming back up anyways. I’m so stressed that I’m literally sick to my stomach. I find that sometimes I just shake and shake for no reason. It’s like my mind lets things go, but my body can’t quite grasp the concept.

Bend, but don’t break.

It’s an age old philosophy used in defense in football. It means, it’s ok to give up the field goal, but don’t give up the touchdown. I suppose in real life, one can equate that to: “Don’t let the little things bug you, and try to avoid like the plague the big things”.

Bend, but don’t break…. Yea right. I say, easier said than done.

So what’s the big deal? I’ll be unemployed again at the first of the year. No job, no health insurance, no income and today it’s as if it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I found out on the 5th that my company would be closing it’s door due to the shitty economy. I’m sure that’s not the only thing, but I need a reason to blame President Bush. Sue me. Better yet …. pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

I suppose I can say without a doubt that it wasn’t a total “shock”. Had I not been so naive I would have read the writing on the wall. “Hello, you do make real estate software, or have you forgot?”. I’m one part bitter, 100 parts depressed about it all.

I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. Utterly and completely hopeless, and that any day now I’ll explode.

“The heart is something you can’t control
We either choose to follow or be left on our own
So we’re leaving here on a less-travelled road
As desperate cries grow louder, I know we’re getting close, getting close”

~ Rise Against

Addendum:

So, these two songs, I’ve blogged about alot as I’m sure my faithful fanclub who have followed me throughout my journey have noticed. I don’t know what it is about these two songs, but it really strikes a chord with me. An incredible chord. Like a chord that says “Get your shit together and keep on trucking” ….. It’s a good chord. Oh, and sister, they are HUGE PETA activists. You should like them too!

Addendum#2:

So I’ve since taken the long lonley lightrail home, I’m listened two my songs on repeat ever since …. and I’m feeling a little bit of hope. It’s out of my control at this point. I should just go out and enjoy my weekend. Right? Right.

/sigh.

Tonight is election night. I’ve got my laptop ready. CNN/FOX/MSNBC/Comedy Central all on standby. We’ll see if America will give me an early Christmas present and a late birthday gift.

Please America?

I’ll continue to update this blog as time goes on!

@6:01pm

WAHOO! EV count is up to 77 for BO. Keep on rolling ….

@6:13

Indiana looking really good for BO. Keep on rolling ….

@6:25

Checking out http://election.twitter.com/, and watching the tweets flowing in!

@6:40

CNN/MSNBC call Pennslyvania for BO! Keep on rolling …

@6:42

Found a live feed for MSNBC! Love the InterTubes!

@6:54

Hagen vs Dole and Hagen wins! The only senate seat I knew about that I wanted to win. Dole called Hagen godless. Shameful. pfff.  Keep on rolling …

@6:56

CO Polls closing in 5 minutes. Living in Denver, I see obama stickers literally 20-1. Lets hope the vote stays that way or I might be moving home to Texas! *cough* uhh …. nix that. Keep on rolling …

@7:00

Only 96 EV’s away from history. Come on baby! Keep on rolling …

@7:28

Cleveland rocks! Cleveland Rocks! OHIO!!!! OHIO!!!! Projected by most major news orginizations for BO. Keep on rolling ..

@7:47

New Mexico went to Obama! Keep on rolling ….

@10:00

Incredible. Thank you America.

In the beginning of July, I was sitting at the FlatIrons Community Church service and the lead pastor was talking about community and the meaning of church. It went on, and that night I signed up to do some wheeling with some folks at the church. I’ve only been out once with them, but hopefully more times in the future.

On this adventure, we went out past Boulder, out past Nedarland, and up a trail to a plane crash site in which both pilots died. It was a very creepy experience knowing that out in the middle of nowhere there were the reminants of a plane. Having said that, it was a great time. Hopefully more to come ….