Take these things, so I don’t feel
I’m killing myself from the inside out
And now my head’s been filled with doubt
We’re taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your love’s run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true
I got off the phone pretty late tonight, something in me just needed to get out. No real reason why, well .. that’s not the complete truth. There are a million and one reasons why I just wanted to get out of my apartment, but none that I’d admit to anybody. I needed to, I needed something. Especially after the last few weeks. My mind has been in a billion and one different places, and most of the time my mind won’t let me get a handle on any particular thought. I needed to get out of the house. Go for a drive. Something that I haven’t done in a while. Ease my mind, clear my head, and reward the little kid in me who’s been pulled emotionally and physically in just about every direction possible.
A few days ago I came across this great song by the Goo Goo Dolls called sympathy, and tonight it fit the bill perfectly. With it on repeat, I set out for a quick drive, and as I left, the security guard who was perched high in his seat gave me the thumbs up and pressed his little magic button that allowed his gates to swing open for me and Dolly to pass.
With my own acknowledgment to the security guard we left. It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. Today was a gorgeous, sunny, vibrant day. Unfortunately(or fortunately for me today), last night wasn’t so picture perfect. It snowed and rained for a good hour or two, just enough to get everything soaking wet, and a little overflow to the cherry creek river in certain areas to overflow.
A good 6-12 inches of mud, water for a good 50 yards awaited me and Dolly. Run after run we went, sometimes slow, sometimes doing donuts, sometimes blasting the mud hole, whatever. It didn’t matter. For a half hour I was a kid in a candy store, my mind in one, and only one place.
In the moment.
This whole year has been filled with moments. Some great, some not so great. Some that I wish could be frozen for forever in time, and others I wished could have been fast forwarded. In the moment, something I’ve tried and tried to learn, to live for the here and now. This year I’ve done a pretty good job of it too. It just goes to show how much positive change can occur.
As I left the mud hole, and made my way back to my apartment complex, I didn’t have a billion thoughts in my head.
I entered my complex, the security guard still perched high on his seat, and as me and Dolly came into view, under his spotlight, he could see all the mud and water from front to back just soaking the asphalt below. We both laughed simultaneously. I could see his pearly whites and he gave two thumbs up as the door squeaked open …
I didn’t have a billion thoughts in my head, not even a hundred. Just one.
And that was that everything in my life right now, couldn’t have been scripted in any other way. None of it could have happened to anybody else, and that my life is uniquely mine, and yet somehow ripped straight out of a children’s book that hasn’t yet been written.
With all the pain and frustration I’ve endured within the year of ’08 …
I’m not sure I’d have it any other way.
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