Barack just kicked butt, what do you think? Why am I holding this door open for this lady who’s chit chatting? Will she like the gift? What other bank can I get besides sallie mae? Why does it feel like everybody is out to rob me? Red Light? Just admit it. What’s your problem? Will the dogs be ok until I get there? I need sleep. Was yesterday payday? Do I have enough gas, or do I need to fill up? Did my electric bill get paid? Why is it none of my buttons on my phone work when I desperately need it? Stop asking me stupid questions. I can’t fall asleep ever. That guy just walked on a red light, clearly he saw the flashing hand? I could go for a hot meal right now. Wrong light to walk on buddy. I don’t want to work out tonight but I have to. I could go for a hot shower now. I hope nobody hits the jaywalker. This dog approaching looks vicious. I should have worn a jacket. Am I ready for all of this? Does george have enough crickets? Remember to buy beer for the weekend. Pizza too. How much trash do you really have to take out? Will I ever get my bills paid off? Stop asking me stupid questions. Just be quiet for two seconds, please? Bend but don’t break. Bend but don’t break … bend but don’t break …
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream!
I used to think that the only way to quiet my mind would be to put on my headphones and adjust the volume to that of a jet engine blasting in my ear. Even then it didn’t necessarily quiet my mind, only drown it out to a low mumbling, it still helped. In fact, it was the only thing that seemed even remotely close to a remedy.
Then it happened.
From 8 stories up, chilled by 42 degree Rocky Mountain air, hurling at 32ft some odd feet per second, right past my hair, past my collar landing perfectly on the spine of my back was a water drop.
Complete silence. What was that? …. silence ….
I stand corrected. Add icy cold water to the list, along with blasting headphones to quiet my mind.
I needed it too. Today has been a rather weird and funky day for me for numerous reasons. Even on days that aren’t like today, my mind is always in a billion different places, always churning at a hundred miles a minute, and it’s never ending. I just wish it would stop.
It never will though. No matter how much I wish it to be gone, no matter how many voodoo doctors I employ, the curse will remain. It’s my curse and mine alone. A curse that was and will always be produced within my own mind, by my own doing.
And I hate my mind for that very reason.
My mind plays horrible tricks on me, for as along as I could remember. One of it’s favorite tricks it uses to humiliate, belittle and completely remove any self-esteem I would ever acquire took form in the shape of chewing my finger nails. Mind over Matter right? It’s easier said than done, and impossible if your mind is playing for the wrong team. It had been two whole weeks since I last chewed my nails, and yesterday my mind went at it again. It made my body believe that I needed it, to relieve stress, to clear my mind, to gather my thoughts correctly but I knew better. It was just a trick. Yet I fell for it. It was a cleverly disguised trick.
Like an unslayable dragon, a monster hiding under my bed, a delicious poison apple that needs to be eaten or what Poseidon was to Odysseus, my mind waits. It waits for an opportunity to drop me to my knees and beg for forgiveness.
I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I can only deal with it. Bend but don’t break. Most days I bend, and I bend, and I bend some more.
Days like today I feel like breaking, but bending is the logical solution. Bend … bend … bend …
Now I don’t see
Things the way I did before
Things important yesterday
Don’t matter anymore
It doesn’t make any sense
To feel so different day to day
(cant stand to feel this way)
When nothings changed except for me
This time I turn around
Things have changed
Now I don’t feel the same, yeah
Start a fight, kick a fit
One more time
Dammit, I changed again
Offspring ~ Dammit I changed again.
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Tags: silence
Carrie February 3, 2008
Voices in your head that don’t shut up are the worst; music helps – does anything else? I use music to quiet the demons – opera does the trick. They shriek so beautifully.
Stay well.