Would You catch me if I fall out of what I fell in Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at Your feet again I don’t want to run away from this I know that I just don’t need this
‘Cause I cannot stand still I can’t be this unsturdy
‘Cause I am waiting for tonight Then waiting for tomorrow And I am somewhere in between
I suppose this is the part where I go into a rant and ramble on incoherently for a few minutes. I suppose I should really. I’m actually quite disgusted with myself in the fact that I’ve somewhat cheated in my nail biting endeavor. I can honestly say I haven’t been chewing on them for the past 2 weeks, but now I find myself carving away at my nails with my longer nails and thus the vicious cycle begins.
*grumbles*
I suppose that’s life right? Full of vicious cycles? I’ve had my fair share, I’m sure you have too. It’s crazy. And things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do …. I feel a song coming on … ahh yes, I’m feeling it …
*starts to sing sunday morning ~ maroon 5*
Anyways tonight is Spanish night. Then go home, work out a bit and then hit the sack. I’m super exhausted today … and to say that my ass is dragging would be a compliment. Unfortunately I’m not feeling witty, nor am I feeling in a writing mood ..
Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done, proud of
myself and the loner I’ve become. You’re free to whine. It will not get
you far. I do just fine, my car and my guitar, proud of my life and the
things that I have done, proud of myself and the loner I’ve become.
You’re free to whine. It will not get you far. I do just fine, my car
and my guitar.
Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved. I spend
hours in front of the mirror making my hair elegantly disheveled. I
worry about how this album will sell because I believe it will
determine the amount of SEX I will have in the future. I self-medicate
with drugs and alcohol to help treat my extreme social anxiety problem.
You are a FAKER! ADMIT IT!You are a FRAUD!ADMIT IT! You’re living a
LIE! your life is living a lie! You don’t impress me! ADMIT IT! You
don’t intimidate me! ADMIT IT! Why don’t you bow down, get on the
ground, walk this fucking plank!
~Admit It – Say Anything …
Great song. Great band too! It takes a little while to get used of it, but being a lyrics guy I really like their music.
So! News. Lots of it I suppose, but nothing really, weird I know. I still don’t think you’ve taken my inability to write complete sentences last week seriously, although it’s a serious issue! If it carries over through today’s post I apologies in advance, or if my CApSlOCk gets stuck in a few places, again I apologies. I’m not sure what it is really, it’s not writers block that’s for sure. I could probably write a whole book since the new year started, I’m not sure what it is. It’s just some weird funk i’m in.
I’ve started my new years resolutions, and I’ve slowly introduced them into my regular routine, one by one. I didn’t officially have a “New Years Resolution” post, so, I figure today would be it.
Blogging. One of my new years resolution was to blog a bit more. Not so much in essay format like I did somewhat during NaBloPoMo, but just day to day ramblings and rantings like I did previously in years past. Monday-Thursdays, sometimes Fridays. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll get into it a bit more, but now my goal is to blog during my lunch hour. Again, we’ll see how it goes. Why only during my lunch hour you ask?
Savings. Normally during my lunch hours I’d, well, I’d go to lunch. My little break from the office. I think everybody in the office(including myself) can see the effects of eating out daily has on a person, not only physically but financially too. So, I’ll be bringing my lunch into the office in an effort to save more. Furthermore, my goal is to save at least 500$ a month for this coming year, which totals $6K in the bank, and oh yea, compounded interest daily to add to that chunk of change. It’s completely possible, and I know I can do it. It means no more wasteful spending at Wal-Mart. It means telling myself that I don’t need the super deluxe directors cut version of Predator when I can get the regular version for 3.99 off amazon. Heck, it means living without the regular version too even! I’ve always lived within my means, but I really want to retire early. I really want to have a great life touring the globe when my days of work are over. I really want to have a nice home on the coast somewhere, sipping on my home-made margaritas or touring the US in an RV. I don’t know, I haven’t decided, but I do know that I can’t get there if I keep going on with wasteful spending. Pay yourself first. Something I’ve yet to do in my life … something that I should do while I’m still young. The older kc would appreciate it I’m sure.
Of course, by me saving 500$ a month, it would also allow me to save up for a nice deposit on a new vehicle, and it would allow me to mimic having a car payment without actually having one. If I can prove to myself that I can do that for a while before having a car payment, then realizing I can’t afford it, the better.
Hibernation. It always happens. Every new year millions of Americans want to get fit and lose weight … ect. For me it’s never been about that, although the past few years I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight. During the summer months I ride my bike religiously, 10 … 20 … 30 miles a day, and during the summer I feel great, I lose a ton of weight only to gain it all back during the winter months. No more hibernation. I’ve been doing my Tae-Bo(Total Awareness Excellence Body Obedience, I guess I should be obedient.) now for a good month and I do feel really good. I took a week off due to working late nights, but there is no excuse, so I’m starting over on a clean slate and so far so good.
My Bucket List. This isn’t so much a new years resolution as it is just an overall goal. A goal I might add that I’ve been rather successful at in the past that I wish to continue on. I know there is a movie about this(things to do before kicking the bucket), but essentially, what it means to me is to have a list of things to do, on a year to year basis. Things that I can mark off and say, “I’ve done that”. A few things leftover from last year just to give you an idea:
See every sporting event again here in Denver.
Climb two category 5 hills in a row(last year I only was able to climb one)
50 Miles on my bike in one day(Over 1K total for the season).
Go camping at least once a month, go for a hike every other weekend. Last year I was only able to go camping two or three times due to some “unforseen” circumstances and I ran out of places to go, this year I bought books!
Have a beer on the top of Pikes Peek.
Take a photography class.
Continue to learn Spanish.
Eat at a new restaurant at least once a month. Someplace I’ve never been before.
Learn to ski/snowboard for the summer months.
… more to come.
Actually, a ton more to come, those were just some that I had written in my notebook. Yes, I carry a notebook, my memory is bad. Ask me about it sometime …
Just let go. Maybe I need another hypnosis session, but I’d like to just let go. Not be so tense and agitated all the time. I’m still ticked off at the theif, that stole my laptop. Grrr…. One would think I’d be over it by now, but I’m not. My nail biting too. It’s been almost two full weeks and I can honestly say I haven’t chewed on my fingernails, however the other day I somewhat cheated and used my nails to pick at my other nails. I have no idea why I do it either … *sigh*. I dunno, just let go. Probably one of the harder goals I have for this year. We’ll see …
We’ll see … I say that too much. That and anyways … Grrrr. Perhaps I should have a goal just about opening up a dictionary and learning more conjunctive words.? I dunno …
Bullet points. I was thinking that bullet points should not be a way to define life, just a way to outline it. So, without further ado, some bullet points I’d like to point out.
Wow that made no sense ….
Ok, so let me rephrase. Some bullet points as to what I’m thinking, because properly formated sentence structures seem to have eluded me for the past week.
Underground bands. God love them. Such a great band like “The Format” deserves far more money than they are probably getting, but I’d like them to remain underground. I know, selfish right?
My New Savings Account. I’m going to put my stolen laptop money into my new savings account. 4.55% APY. No minimum. No fees. No length of time. Not to shabby.
Thieves. Grrrr. I’m still so mad. Although I have a good problem on my hands(It was pointed out that this is an oxymoron). Ok ok, I’m sure it is, but I could think of alot worse problems.
Debt. Grrrrr*2. I hate debt, although I have a great handle on mine. Just my silly tv and it’ll all be paid off. Well … minus student loans. Those don’t count do they?
Tae-bo. Did I spell that right? Probably not … makes me feel really good. My new found endorphin kick. My “amped” package finally arrived. Sweet.
Gay Gyms. Apparently the gym I was a temporary a member of solicited gay sex in the bathroom stalls on craigslist(or some other weird website). So I quit and have since did the only thing I did at the gym anyways. Tae-bo. I can do it in the privacy of my own home and it’s 100 fold cheaper.
Underground bands. God love them …. wow, this sounds familiar. I dig the format. Great band.
Potato Salad and Fanta. I love these two items particularly as well.
One WHOLE Week! Yahooo! It’s been one whole week since I’ve last chewed my fingernails and I must say they are growing alot better than I ever would have anticipated. Although, everytime I think about chewing them I used my sisters advice and not cleaned my apartment and used nutra nail growing finger nail polish. So now everytime I want to chew my nails, my apartment turns into a wreck and I paint my nails. Lovely.
George. He shed his skin the other day, and as usual he ate all of his skin again. Yummy.
Work. I finally got my google maps project to work! Check out my flickr page to see some cool snapshots I took for everybody.
Rockies. The colorado rockies signed both matt holiday and tulo. Go Rox!
Silence. It’s precious, and I’ve been learning to give myself at least 10 minutes of it on a regular daily basis, and I must say, it’s pretty amazing.
Amazing. Every now and then you meet new and exciting people that make you realize the worlds not gone dead, perhaps it’s been that I’ve lived under a rock for so long.
Video Games. Current addiction is halo3 and I must say, the graphics are pretty damn sweet, and the story line thus far is killer! I love being in a group with only 2 shots left in my pee shooter, and hearing “Oh crap! Look at the size of that thing”, only to turn around with a big dude in my face. Awesome.
Scatterbrain. What I’m feeling right now.
Love. I wish I had it.
Love. I love you sister Mom and dad too if anybody should ask … seeing as I know your reading ….
Die Hard. Yippie kay ya motherfucka. haha, I love that movie. I haven’t been able to stop watching the trilogy for the past week. Great action packed flicks.
Job Security. I wish I had it, but nothing is for certain, you can only bust your balls and hope for the best.
Hypotenuse. Something that will ensure my future job security. Today on the lightrail these two guys were talking about how fun their mechanical engineering classes were, and how they were so happy to be back into school, and while doing their math homework they didn’t know what C was in Pythagoras theorem. I wanted to scream it and explain it to them, however, I figure I may be in an interview with them for a great job and the question they ask is “What does C mean in Pythagoras theorem?”. DOH! Shot myself in the foot …. you have to be always thinking
Thinking. The bane of my existence.
The Ghetto. Where I live, and yet, no where else I’d rather be.
Lies. Ok, so I lied about the ghetto. I’m sure there are plenty of other places I’d rather be.
Ocean. for example, I’d rather be at the ocean.
Techno Goodies. I have decided I will be getting a MacBook Pro and a TimeCapsule(500gb) for my next big purchase.
Lyrics. I love lyrics. Probably more than the music itself. I’m a lyrics guy, what can I say?
I can’t stand to think about
A heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my God I gave my best
But for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart
I can’t stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart
I could if you can try to fix what I’ve undone
Cause I hate what I’ve become
YouTube. It makes the world go around.
Ricky Martin. In my spanish class yesterday we had to sing some ricky martin songs, and sadly for me I have some stuck in my head. If your a real friend, you’ll youtube ricky martin and get some of his songs stuck in your head. I’d appreciate it if I weren’t the only one ….
Spanish. I’m learning it actually. I think …. we’ll see. When life settles down I will bust out the Rosetta Stone, but until then my weekly spanish classes are really helpful.
My Wish. Besides for world peace, to win the lottery or just to be 100% without a single doubt completely happy would be for you to watch this youtube video of the format singing their first single.
Sleep. I’m going to call it a night now, goodnight everybody.
Hang me out to dry I’m soaking
With the sins of knowing
What’s gone wrong but doing nothing I still run
Time again I have found myself stuttering
Foundations pulled out from under me
This breath is wasted on them all
Will someone answer me?
Â
We just got back from comedy works. After going to the pub afterwards, I’m not drunk, but a little buzzed, so I figured I’d relax at work. Let it all wear off, finish up some work, blog, vent, ramble, you know, my typical life.I’m sure if my mom only knew, she’d be heartbroken. Although I hope mom would be proud of me. I’ve made some stupid decisions in my life, but tonight I choose to make the right one.I dunno …So it’s been a day plus … I’ve yet to chew my fingernails. I really think it’s going to work. I only say this because I’ve never looked at my nails and said “You know, those look damn tasty ….”, nom nom nom nom nom. If I ever realized that my fingers were in my mouth(even before hypnosis) I would have immediately put my hands down to my side. I would only chew on them when I didn’t even realize it. Now, no matter what, if my fingers go towards my mouth my brain knows about it, and immediately I do something else. Playdough has some good stuff out there, this gooey sand stuff that I’ve grown a liking too. It’s got the texture of this foam that I vividly remember when I was a kid. It’s a great texture, and immediately my hands are appeased.
1 whole day.
So many changes in 1 day.
1 day.
It’s crazy. It’s rather poetic really.
I know, your probably tired of my Rise Against lyrics, or my useless ramblings, but I keep coming back to them because it’s really what I’m thinking and feeling at the moment. This won’t make any sense to anybody else but to myself. That’s ok too I imagine. I have this vision that I’m stumbling around in the woods, and I see a shiny object on the ground, and I lean over and pick it up and as I pick up all my life’s problems instantly solved. Wouldn’t that be nice …
the heart is something you can’t control
we either choose to follow or be left on our own
so we’re leaving here on a less-travelled road
as desperate cries grow louder,
I know we’re getting close, getting close
“As desperate cries grow louder, I know were getting close” … getting close. I guess I’m hoping that it’s my shiny object I envision myself finding.PS.*&^%$#@ thief ….
So I’m hoping that today is the beginning of a new me. I’m hoping that today, over 23 years of a bad habit will be broken, I’m hoping that I can handle and deal with my problems in such a way that makes me “normal”.
I hope today is the day I stop chewing on my fingernails.
It’s a disgusting habit, and today I hope it’s done for good. I had a hypnosis session to help with that and I’m optimistic that it worked. I guess we’ll see here pretty soon. So I went with a friend of mine, she too has the same problem, and as we discussed before the session began all of the issues we had and such. We were asked such questions if we were bottle fed, breast fed, if we were born prematurely and such. When she asked us these questions I was somewhat taken back. What did this have to do with me chewing my fingernails? Well come to find out, apparently babies before the age of 6 months have a suckling need. One that makes them feel safe and secure(such as breast feeding). Another question was the premature issue. I wasn’t premature, which is good in that if by chance I was, the tubes they would have used may(or may not) have caused a oral fixation after the 6 month mark. She later explained that at the age of 6 months, they immediately drop the suckling need and if a baby after 6 months still continues to suckle, it does so by it’s own free will.
None of the first scenario really matched me or my friend’s.
She asked a series of questions, such as, what time of the day is it the worst. What would be most miss when we do stop chewing our nails. Why do we chew our nails and so on. I think it was unanimous. We chew our nails because of anxiety, nervousness and stress among many. Of course those were the subjects that dominated the conversation. People deal with all of these issues in their own way, mostly deal with them in a positive way, others not so positive. Deep breathing, counting backwards from 10, going for a walk, immediately spending “me” time to sort and figure them out, all represent “positive” ways of dealing with stress, nervousness or anxiety. Of course, going “postal”, smoking, pulling out one’s hair,slashing oneself, even chewing on ones fingernails are all “negative” ways of dealing with these issues. Some worse than others. She explained it’s done in such a way that when we cause physical pain to ourselves, our body releases endorphins. Once these endorphins are released, we are then able to obtain “mental” clarity, if even for a moment. She even went on to say that it’s even possible for our minds to create problems that are bigger than they really are(or even problems that don’t exist), as if to create a false sense of stress, just so we can create the pain caused by the action of the habit and obtain the extra amount of endorphins. After 23 years of this … the simple act of chewing my nails is no longer considered “pain”(unless blood is drawn, but that’s neither here nor there), and although my mind doesn’t register it as pain, somewhere in my body it registers as pain and *POOF*, endorphins city.
My own personal reward system.
I’m hoping that tonight my reward system will be rewarded with positive re-enforcements, and no longer nail chewing.
I don’t remember much, but she did state at some point that by taking back control of my life, even if it’s as insignificant as nail biting, that one thing will lead to another in domino effect. Hopefully it’ll help with me dealing with anxiety, stress and nervousness. Once the first domino falls, so will the rest. Another thing she said that struck a chord was to never use the word try, try means at one point you’ve failed, instead say that your “working” on it.
Most importantly she said, Turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones. It’s a good philosophy to live by.
Mom and dad too if anybody should ask … seeing as I know your reading ….
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