“Answer the damn question”.

“I can’t”.

Like many mornings as of late, it’s been chilly. Nose and fingertips cold to the touch, I wake up and try going back to sleep but it’s no use. Staring at the ceiling is a normal ritual in times like these. Usually I just sit and think about my day, and more importantly, motivating myself to get out of bed in an orderly and timely fashion. It doesn’t work. My mind is able but my body unwilling. Usually a good hour or so has passed, I’ll step into a nice hot shower, and days when I’m not feeling so lazy I’ll shave.

This morning was no different. I sat and listened to my mind and my body bicker as to how and when I’d get out of bed for a good half hour. Finally the decision was made, one foot in front of the other, blindly heading for the shower. 2 stubbed toes from my unpacked boxes, 3rd degree burns from too hot of water, a slick floor and a nearly cracked skull later, I made my way out of the shower and to the front of my mirror. Looking down to my left I see a neatly folded towel with my razor, my side burn trimmer and my after shave. Orderly and neat, as if a doctor were looking at his devices before surgery. To my right, shaving cream. And so it begins.

“Who cares what you look like …. be a mountain man for a change”.

“I’ve been a mountain man this past week, it’s time to shave”.

“Live a little”.

“Shutup”.

“Your Stupid”.

“Your Stupid”.

Once finished, I sat there thinking that I do clean up pretty good. Observing myself, chin outstretched for any missing patches of peach fuzz I may have missed. All clear. Accomplished, I sit and stare at myself for a minute, not thinking much. Out of no where from the bowels of my brain it came.

“Do you like what you see in the mirror?”.

Blind sided. A semi could have hit me in the middle of my apartment and I would not have been more blind sided then I was at that moment.

“Good question. I think today I do, I’m neatly shaven, no imperfections on my face, my hair is neat and orderly. So yea, I do like what I see in the mirror”.

“Chickenshit”.

I knew when I asked myself that what I was really asking. Not what I had saw in the mirror vanity wise, but what I saw in the mirror as an individual. A complete individual, all encompassing. Do I like where I’ve been in life, where I am in life and where I’m going. Do I have any regrets in my life. If I died today would I be a happy man. Would I have accomplished everything I could have imagined. The list goes on and on, but more importantly, Do you like what you see in the mirror.

I knew exactly the depth of the question and I decided to lie to myself and take the easy way out. I knew it too.

“Lets try this again kc … Do you like what you see in the mirror”.

My mind buzzing at a billion thoughts a nano second. I thought about my past. Regrets. No … no regrets. I perhaps would have changed the way I acted, I would have chosen my words a bit more carefully in quite a few situations. I would have rethought or further researched my college decisions. My move away from home. I would have changed my relationships with my grandparents and my parents and sister for that matter, whether that’s writing more, or just talking more. So many things …

Past relationships, financial mistakes, stupid mistakes, emotional mistakes, social mistakes. Things that I should have known better, and yet I still stumbled and I know I shouldn’t have. So many things …

I thought about my present. I’m headed in the right direction, although it seems like I’ve got so far to go. Socially, mentally, financially, emotionally, physically. So many things …

It seemed like an eternity, just thoughts. So many thoughts….. A big part of me couldn’t honestly say I’m happy with what I see, and the other part of me, the proud and egotistical part of me confidently could say yes. So which is it?

Like so many questions in life, it cannot be answered with a simple yes or no that I could sense was requested. Yes or No. Black and white. It’s not a simple answer, nor is it a black and white, yes or no issue.

It’s complicated. It’s long winded.

Too many self issues I need to deal with. Too many mistakes that I’ve made over and over again and yet refuse to learn. Just so many thoughts, and although I have no regrets, there are far to many things I would have liked to have done differently.

Deep down I know the answer to be no.

“Answer the damn question”.

“I can’t”.

At the end of the day when you do look in the mirror, it’s not your mother or father, sister or brother, friends or colleges who can answer this for you. At the end of the day, it’s not they who has to look at you in the mirror, and at the end of the day it’s not they who you have to answer to.

It’s yourself.

I realize now my answer was foolish. I Can’t. I couldn’t answer because deep down the answer was no, and I couldn’t come to terms with that. Instead I should realize that I’m not perfect, I under stand this. But I’m trying. I’m trying to better myself each and every day. I’m trying to mend burned bridges, I’m trying to better every aspect of my life. I’m trying not to trip over my own feet, or my own stupidity. I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and grow smarter as each day passes. I’m trying to have a fresh outlook on life, on my life and my past lives. Is trying good enough though? Who knows, your guess is as good as mine.
I think if I’m ever blind sided by such a question in the future, I know my answer.

“I’m trying”.