Be Patient. Stick to it. Don’t give up. All of which are life’s lessons learned usually by everyone at various times throughout their life. Some learn these lessons quicker than others. Some learn these lessons, and lessons in general, time and time again and yet still wonder, “Is the stove really hot?”.

Be Patient. Something I’ve never been good at. I’ve always been a right here and now kind of guy. Everything has to be done quick, and any plans that are instant as apposed to long term, it’s a no brainer. Instant. Holds true when it comes to rebates at best buy. Instant or Mail-In. Of course … I’d pay more for the instant than to have to sit and wait for a silly mail in. Of course, this lesson learned for me was at a young age, and a bit harsher than most. I was 11 years old or so and I’ll never forget it. I was sitting with my mom in our ’90 dodge shadow at the corner of 21st street and Prince street in Clovis NM. It was a free weekend for me, and the first in a while in which I wasn’t in the hospital. My mother and I were talking in the car, she was explaining to me that little vic’s brain tumor had shrunk over 70%. Little Vic … also from Clovis had a brain tumor and we met their family while staying at the Ronald McDonald house and became great friends with them, sharing each others trials and tribulations. Poor guy had been there a good year or more before I showed up. So as me and my mother sat in the car, I rearranged my newly fitted hat over my bald head. Something about chemo and a chrome dome will rob a person of his/her dignity, if even for a minute, at least for me anyways. The first question that came to my mind was,

“So how much have my tumors shrunk?”
“Only about 30%”.

For a moment I was silenced. Realizing what I felt to be a lack of progress my head dropped and I sat silenced for a good minute. I remember my mother grabbed my chin and lifted it. “Be Patient. You have to be patient kc, you’ve only just begun. It’s going to be a long haul for us.” Unfortunately little vic passed on and for some, no matter how patient you are, things don’t always go the way we envision and for some the virtue of patience doesn’t come quick enough. “If life has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten it long ago”~ Rise Against. Many times I’ve sat here, writing, wishing the success of my life, personal and emotional ect … would be similar to instant oatmeal. Just add water.  It doesn’t happen that way and I know that. I realize this in ever aspect of life, and yet somehow some way I manage to forget. I should rephrase that actually, I will never forget my lesson of patience, I just hope this lesson of patience will come to me when I need it most.

Stick to it. For me I’ve always lived by the age ole philosophy, if it’s not working after repeated attempts, then change your approach. My problem is always that I try something once and if it doesn’t work, I change it right then and there. It brings me back to my baseball days. I was the pitcher in the Western League, our team really resembled the bad news bears. My coach, a drunk whom I’m not sure why he was even allowed to coach, before a game spoke to me. It was a long losing streak we were on and he had told me, “It starts with you. Lets get it done.” First pitch was an inside the park home run and needless to say we ended up losing that game. The next day I was at home practicing my pitches and it just wasn’t working out. I decieded to be a knuckle head and start my pitching style completely  fresh.  What better way for a right hand pitcher to start completely fresh than to start pitching left handed? I started at first with a real baseball, but the situation turned dangerous rather quickly. Throwing like a girl was an understatement, the ball went every which way except to where I wanted it, an almost broken window, an almost broken fence and an almost dented car later, my sister came outside as she was leaving for work. She laughed and asked me what I was doing. Of course I replied and said I was learning to pitch all over again. After realizing what a fool I looked like, we both laughed and I’m paraphrasing but she told me to stick it out with my right arm, give it a chance and just keep practicing. After our conversation I immediately started throwing right handed, I practiced every day and would come to have alot of success with my right arm.

Don’t give up. “Me and Lance”. It was a blog post I wrote back around this time 3 years ago. That post was alot more upbeat than I let on. It was actually a pretty depressing part of my life that I felt I masked pretty well. I was working at Dish 40+ hours a week, the worst company on the planet, another 40+ hours a week just at school alone, then there were sleepless nights, never ending homework, never ending stress of the thought of failure, tough breakup’s and relationship problems, and seeing as we are talking about problems, I had quite a few mental and social problems I had to deal with. Just alot of issues going on, as my mind and my emotional “state” if you will were ever changing. I wanted to give up to be honest.  I wanted to say, the heck with it, return to my home in New Mexico with my parents, work at walmart the rest of my life. It just wasn’t worth it. At times there were the “bend but don’t break” thoughts that would cross my mind, and on more than one occasion I would just sit in my room, pillow over my head, completely and utterly broken. To this day I’m not quite sure what got me through those times, I’m not even sure when I was broke how I was able to put myself back together. My mending days were a complete blur and I recall counting to 10 with deep breathes contributed to the healing process.

“Me and lance. Climbing the pyrenees, he’s doing it in the tour, I’m doing it in life. I’m so tired and wanting to give into the pain and just quit, but that would be stupid, i’m so close …

I’m so close.”

Well said kc of old, I hope that the future me will listen to myself on occasion.

Be Patient. Stick to it. Don’t give up. Life’s lessons taught to me over various periods of my life and perhaps yours. Life lesson’s I’ll hope to never forget through the progression of my life.

Life’s lessons in which I hope to never have to relearn. At least not any time soon.  

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Tags: Life’slessons

I’m going to send a gift (my choice, but tailored to the recipient) to the first five people who comment here and post this message in their own blogs.

Whatever the gift is, I promise I will get it to you by the end of this calendar year. It’ll be a physical object, so I’ll need your snail mail address if I don’t have it.

The only thing you need to do to receive your gift is participate. Be one of the first five to reply to this, and post a similar offer on your blog.

Like all offers, it has to be a real blog(myspace doesn’t count), offer valid through now-10/26/2007.

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Haha, ok, I know. Cheesy right? It was an email I got today as I was on the lightrail heading to work. As of late I’ve just set my headphones down, stare out the window and just watch everything pass me by(including my stop). I spent an extra half hour or so on the lightrail this morning on accident. Anyways, I only say that to preface my thoughts and how I came to be. It got me thinking about the “L” word. It got me thinking about how wacky and insane and impossible it is. It got me thinking about how people view love, what people love, why they love, and I think more importantly how people love. Is it in their actions? Their words? Their thoughts?

It got me thinking of this photo I took a while back. It made me realize just how differently people view love. Some love the chaos and disorder of their relationships, others want only somber, quiet moments, others want a mixture. No couple is alike, and to further convolute the situation, no person is alike. We are all snowflakes right? Are we really that different? Surely there is some fine median we are crossing as we take part in each others life. Surely it’s something that binds us together.

Love. So very un-scientific, and yet, so scientific. How can that be?

The approach of Love, or as I like to call it the approaching blind curve.  Not knowing wha’ts around the corner, the nervousness and anxiety one feels. The skipped heartbeats. Holding on for far to long each others words and thoughts. Being over analytical of a simple flick of one’s hair, one’s touch and body language. Trying to decipher the code of love. That’s always fun, or a mind fuck. Either way though when it’s all said and done, its something incredible, whether it goes good or bad. The feelings and emotions afterward are pretty incredible. For me, afterwards, there is always a moment of self-evaluation. How you could have improved the situation, the conversations that are stuck on repeat in your head. So many things involved with love.

Love. So very un-scientific, and yet, so scientific. How can that be?

There are studies out that show certain of aspects of love scientifically. Such as the release of hormones from a male/female upon meeting that would indicate love. Increase in body tempature, brain activity, heightened senses ect … All of which are indicators scientifically of Love.

Yet, it’s not scientific at all, is it?

I suppose I’m just rambling. So many unanswered questions in my head right now. So many thoughts that will never see the light of day, or ink that will never see paper, words that will never make it into a conversation. Thoughts. All of which are mine and mine alone.

I suppose it’s why I blog, so that way others can look at me with a blank stare and wonder just what peace pipe I was smoking.

That email I received this morning got me thinking about all of this. The fire was stoked even moreso after lunch today. There is a lady, “Jane”, that comes in from our next office and visits one of my co-workers “Bob”. She seems to be visiting more so recently, and of course they both hit it off everytime they chat. “Bob” is your typical revenge of the nerds kind of guy, minus the pocket protector. A guy who all of green days songs talk about regarding the whole “Nice guys finish last” campaign. Super nice guy, technical, literal, caring. Although I don’t know him well enough, I’d venture to say he’d be the type to date a stripper to try and give her a better life. Just an all around good guy, although not to savvy with the ladies(like most, unfortunately we cannot all be Hitch, and I’m not saying by any stretch of the imagination I’m the ladies man either, but I digress). “Jane”, again, don’t know too much about her, seems very free spirited, good aura about her, and although bob and jane are complete opposites, they somehow would make a perfect couple. It’s obvious they are very flirtatious with each other, and I sit everyday in my corner observing their conversations just thinking, “Ask her out already!”.

Today I couldn’t take it anymore. I shouted it once she left. So loud that she probably heard me. Not on purpose, I just wish he’d ask her out already. I feel though that the only way he’d ever ask her out without somebody saying something would be to have her “check yes or no”. It’s not my place, nor is it any of my buisness, but he shot back, “And why do you think that way? I’d be curious to hear your opinion.” Oh dear, but I don’t have an opinion, I just thought it’d be a good idea?

And at that moment I realized I knew what he would say next if I proceeded. Why is it I’m so goo goo ga ga myself and yet I’m still single? Although thankfully the question was never bounced my way, it made me think long and hard just why I’m so goo goo ga ga over people in my life right now and yet I say nothing about it.

Then it dawned on me.

It’s because the ladies in my life that I’m so speechless about, are ones who are happily taken. In serious relationships. Married in one case. Dating an obsessive jerk in another. Dating what appears to be a ghost in one. Highschool sweethearts who’ve moved on, on the verge of wedding to a millionare. /sigh. It’s weird. I think although I’d love to say how I feel, it’d be wrong. Or would it be? Yes, yes it would. I don’t need that awkwardness, nor am I the one to be a “HomeWrecker”. “Hey there jane, I can’t stop thinking about you, I think you should ditch your zero and get a hero*points to me*”. Or how about …. “So your husband …. have you thought about a divorce? Because although I don’t want marriage, I’d like a date. Will that suffice?”.  And the closing tagline to each one “So I really like you, but I’m damn confidant NOTHING would come about of this relationship”.

I think I’m going crazy. Crazy I say. In my own little asylum. The good thing about these ladies that leave me speechless, and that leave me drooling. There is a great invention call the pacifier which should alleviate the drooling and keep me pre-occupied, leaving me speechless but for good reason.

Weird I know, and I’m rambling to boot. Sorry readers, if you are reading still….

If you are reading, the rockies are heading to the world series. I’m going to a friends house for a BBQ and to watch the rockies game. Nothing better than in the company of good friends, beer, and the world series which the entire city is booming about right now.

I also got a call the other day regarding the hummer I test drove. It’s far to expensive, but I think I’m going to start my savings account for a new H3, especially after I saw this photo. And it’s getting cheaper, 3K cash back, 0% apr …. Who knows, maybe if I get a promotion or a raise at work I can make it all a reality. Check it out here: http://www.hummerforums.com/m_88001/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm .

Anyways, it’s bedtime. I need to relax and think. Think some more.

Bleh.
-kc     

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Tags: life, love and the pursuit of happiness

“Run away, and live to run away another day”. I’m paraphrasing of course, but those were somewhat the words of Captain Jack Sparrow. Perhaps somebody in time of more historical importance said it, but for now I’ll credit Captain Jack.

“Run away, and live to run away another day”. I like it. Unfortunately for me, I realized that’s how I tend to live my life. Preventative defense,bend but don’t break, however you want to describe it. I’m not sure I like it, although it’s always have been something I’ve done regardless. It’s a funk. A life long funk. Is it even possible to have a life long funk? I’m not sure, I hope though there are others out there like me.

The glass is always half empty. Always preparing for the worst. Strange.

I’ve had this conversation with myself at times. Although that’s not saying much. Usually conversations with myself(and I have them daily) go as follows:

“Dude, your dumb for thinking that … why don’t you rationalize that decision and tackle  the outcome tomorrow?”

“Your a poo-poo head”.

Nice.

Welcome to my world.

Anyways, I need to be heading to bed. I’ll post more tomorrow, perhaps.

G’Night All,
-kc  

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Tags: rationalize, conversation, preparing for the worst, living my life, funk

Sometimes on my ride home from work, I’ll sit, without headphones, just staring into the abyss. My mind racing, and a giggle will usually escape my mouth. The only reason why is because when I think of my mind racing, I don’t think of a NASCAR event, nor do I think of chaos. My mind is like those money machines that you stand in, with a furious fan blowing dollar bills everywhere, damn near impossible to get any money. Money would of course represent my thoughts. If every thought in my mind were a dollar bill, Mr. Gates would be put to shame unfortunately.

So here I am, sitting in my own little money machine, grabbing at everything, only to come back empty handed. Somedays it feels like the fan is blowing on low, and on those days it’s easy to organize my thoughts, Other days it’s like those damn swamp boats going full speed.

Goofy thoughts I know. Only way I know how to describe it.

Today, today I was only to get a few bucks from my money machine.

The rockies. Wow. I’m not sure what else I can say about the Rockies, how alive this town is for Rocktober time. Unbelievable.

Believe it or not I’ve been doing very well getting to bed early, getting to work at a halfway decent time. It feels good to be responsible for a change, or at least sudo responsible.

I am however getting sleepy. I need to get to bed, I know, it’s only 10:30, but ever since I’ve been back from Houston I’ve been going to bed on time.

As for my helikat. LOL. I love it. Laughter really is the best medicine to life ….
Night All,
-kc

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Tags: moneymachine, rockies, responsible, adult