The moon is so beautiful.

And yet, as I type that, it would seem that science or god in his/her infinate wisdom decieded to take another jab at me and cover it up with the horrid looking clouds.

For those that know me, I’m usually an upbeat kind of guy. I say what needs to be said, and from the outside looking in, it would seem that I have a great perfect life and I should have nothing to complain about. Ok, probably not perfect, but I lead a normal life.

So for those that think I lead the perfect life, or those that already know life isn’t fair, or just don’t want to here me vent, you might as well bid me adou, and read my next blog, for it, just maybe, will be a little more up beat and happy.

It was a long day to say the least.

It started out early this morning. I’ve been looking for a new car. Before I continue, it’s not IMPARATIVE that I get a new car, Betsie is doing just fine. It’s just she’s getting old, she doesn’t quite match my lifestyle in that I’d like to go into the mountains and would rather have 4 wheel drive. I’d like to avoid the winter mess by having 4 wheel drive ect …

So I today I test drove the Jeep Wrangler. It was my final test, I’ve driven the other two options. The FJ Cruiser, and the Nissan X-Terra. Personally, the Wrangler suits me the best. It’s got a great drive, beileve it or not, and it’s such an upgrade to what I currently have. Long story short, I want the Wrangler.

I went to negotiate numbers(I didn’t on the other models because I wasn’t serious) however I feel in love today and was genuinely intrested.

Furthermore, not only did I love the wrangler, it out performed(in my opinion) better than the other 2, and it was far cheaper to boot.

I talk numbers.

Numbers are far far far far far far far far far too high. Mind you, I only opted to put 1K down, and was hoping for 3K on my trade-in, but it didn’t work out that way.

Only 1K for Betsie. /ugh. Which left me with a 470 monthly payment on a 22K Car. I find that to be absurd. Of course, the pro-active one in me, will find a way to make this work, IE, save up more money for a down payment. I left, dissapointed and down, but not out … I can negotate down, ect … I can extend my loan out to get it to meet my needs. but I know my father would have a heart attack.

I really wanted it though.

So it got me thinking if I was in over my head. If I could get it down to 400 dollars a month, is that obtainable?

I did a ton of math, and found out that technically it’s obtainable. But it’s not recommended. The reason why is based on the 60/40 method. Any financial advisor would tell you that any bills you have each month should **NOT** go past 60% of your net income. Right now, and for the past year or so, I’ve been operating at a 61% so I’m already over, let alone with a car payment.

With a 400$ car payment, I’d be operating at 75% which would mean that out of my 2,900K net, each month with a car payment I’d have 725$ leftover each month for whatever. Of course, that sounds doable, but right now, I’m struggling with the whole "where did my money go?" syndrome.

/ugh.

Anyways, I’ve been bitter for a while. You see, after I got out of the car dealership I headed home. Full of questions(and doubt) about my current situation. I had to go to target to pick up some groceries and I noticed two things that really got my blood boiling.

First, I pulled up to a stoplight, only to see some 16 year old schmo driving a 55K Mercedes with temp tags. If that were my kid, I’m not sure I’d let him drive my new mercedes, so I figured it was his. Now how in the hell did he get a damn new mercedes? I think at that point I almost lost it. Not in an anger sense, but a "kicked while I was down" sense. It made me really bitter, that he was probably given a handout, or that his folks were doctors or something.

It made me reflect that, here I am leading a great life, just wanting more but I can’t quite get to that pinnacle and yet some kid probably 5 years younger than me doubled it.

I think got to thinking about how these people do it. Working at McDonalds with a few kids, with new cars. They are doing it, and yet, I can’t. Even my pizza delievery guy was driving a new WRX. I was so mad, and yet so jealous, becuase I know they have a story that would infuriate me. Much like my old roomate who was given a practically new 4Runner. A handout.

I was pretty upset. I think now, upon reflection, that I was caught up in the moment.

Regardless, as caught up in the moment that I was. I was upset. I was saddened. I was befuddled(sp?).

So I deciede that because my mind was racing so much, that I would grab a bite to eat at Choppers(the local sports bar and grill) and watch the Little League World Series. Lubbock Texas was in the finals for the USA championship. /ugh. I got there an hour too early. My pops told me 2:30, which I beileve was his time. So I was too early for the stupid game(which we lost by the way). Dammit.

I was still distraught(sp?) mind you, and as I go to unlock my car, I see my lanyard sticking out from my car door.

You have to be kidding me.

I locked my keys in my car. My only other spare, hell, I have no idea where it’s at since my move, so my only choice was to call a locksmith. The guy showed up and had a couple gadgets that made me scared to death. Within 3 minutes he was in my car without my alarm going off. /sigh. Scary. 55 bucks that cost me.

Lesson learned.

I hope.

I’m really beyond frustrated at this point. So bitter and angry and befuddled(sp?) at how people can buy new cars these days, that I deciede I need a bike ride.

I call my dad. he doesn’t answer because he’s at work. He’s too busy working his ass off trying to plan for retirement. Amazing. The guy works every damn day he can so he and my mom can have a good life after retirement, and yet to this day I have never heard him complain. About anything. I wish I could be like him more … in every way really.

I wanted a long bike ride. I needed a long bike ride really.

A long one.

A really long one.

I wanted to be so tired that I didn’t have a chance to stay up all night thinking about how ticked off I am at people and thier handouts.

40ish miles. I say ish because I forgot to reset my odometer until about 5 minutes in my ride. I rode and I rode. I rode so long that even my kidneys hurt. I rode so long that my arms are so stiff and sore right now, my calves are longing for bed. I rode so long, that when I finished my ride, my face was black, covered with the nats that had gotten in my way. 20mph average I held, roughly. 2 hours on the bike, and now my ass is sore as if I just got back from brokeback mountain( I know, a visual you didnt need or want.)

As I get off my bike, I realize that my head is still spinning. My mind is still so annoyed. So annoyed with people and their handouts. How easily life and money comes to some people. So annoyed that I couldn’t have been given a handout, and yet, so thankful that I haven’t been spoonfed like some.

It baffels me how some people are still in college. It baffels me how some people are able to travel the world after college. It baffels me how some people never had to pay a dime while going through school and it sure as shit baffels me how some people I know got BMW’s while going to school. I’m up to my ass in school loans, and yet they are getting new cars. /ugh. Sorry, rambling …

So I get off my bike, I wipe the nats from my face. I don’t even shower. I let the sweat drip from my face to show I mean buisness, a towel will do.

I head to target again to grab some diet coke so I can mix it with rum or vodka. I hope to drink away my sorrows and self-pitty. Mind you, target is a mile away, if that.

I get pulled over by the cops because my car matches the description of some mass murder for all I know.

I go to give him my ID. Wallet. Oh shit, where’s my wallet? In my pack, from my bike ride … great. I’m going to get a ticket for driving without a license. That will add to my insurance which will only make my matters worse.

Luckily the cops noticed my white knuckles as I gripped the steering wheel with all my might. Fighting back the urge to just drop to my knees and hoping he’d just haul me off to jail.

He chuckled and looked at me. I was clearly distraught.

"Long day".

"Very."

It’s the only thing I could think of besides.

"I’m sorry, I’m irrisponsible and deserve a ticket".

Shit, I deserve a ticket? Out of your mind dude …

He chuckled.

"Happens to the best of us" as he nodded. He of course did his record check and come to find out, I’m not a hardened criminal and let me go with a warning.

I got lucky. Very.

I immediatly went home, grabbed my wallet … grabbed my diet coke.

Here I am. Depressed. Saddened. Happy. All on one emotional rollercoaster smoking my fat stogey, on my 3rd rum and coat, wondering what tommorow will hold.

I’m feeling it too. I feel good. Life is good, if I could just get past my self-pitty and realize that everything is good. I don’t need any handouts. I sure as shit don’t want any handouts and I will never need any handouts.

I’ll think of something to get past this. This won’t get me down for long, and even though this day for me has been a tough one. A failure.

I won’t fail, nor will I strike out, like most beileve I’m pre-desposed of doing. Maybe it’s just me who thinks the world is out to get me.

Maybe. Regarldes, succeed I shall.

I always do … somehow.

Until tommorow.

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Intoxicated. I’ll be curious to see how many grammer errors I have, or how my shit doesn’t make sense to anybody but me of course…..

-kc