Saturday, April 30, 2005

Find me here
Current mood: touched

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
~Lifehouse – Everything
===================================================

So today was a long day for me. I woke up rather early seeing as how late I went to bed the night before. 9:30AM, so this for me is super early. I did quite a bit today. First I cleaned out my closet which was full of a TON of clothes. Alot of clothes I had since highschool that still fits fine but they are pretty worn. Some of it was well over 5 years old. So I have 2 trashbags full of clothes that I never wear. I didn’t throw it away. In fact I’m going to keep it a while just in case. I’m thinking either give it to my cousins or good will. So my closet AND my room is clean. I know … just for today but hey, whatever works right? I still need to clean my fishtank and car …… *sighs* I have a pretty long todo list and as each day passes one gets checked and 2 more get added. It’s a vicious cycle.

I often wonder how long I can do this whole two job and school thing. I’m only working 30 hours a week and it’s not bad at all however a full day off would be nice. I’m only continueing to work them both becuase of a few reasons. Believe it or not I like both of my jobs. Neither pay as much as my previous job but I’m having a ton of fun at my OfficeMax job and tons of experience working at IBM right now. Both are giving me salaries of sweatshop workers however I don’t mind. I’ll live … Second reason is my mother is giving me a guilttrip now. You see they are paying my car and insurance. I think something fishy is going on though seriously. They told me they would pay for half of my car when I bought it. In fact, they bought it for me and I really had no say. I needed a new car and to be quite frank, betsie is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s just that simple. When I quite however my parents said they would take care of it. My mom would get the insurance and my dad would get the payment. Easy enough right … wrong. My mom is feeling the heat and wants to transfer it to me, which is well in it’s own right however come on, cut me some slack.

So I get off work tonight with such a passion for basketball it’s not even funny. I havn’t beent his excited over a B-Ball game ever. I find basketball boring however being in Denver and seeing how electrified this town is with their team reminds me of my younger days when my father and I would go to EVERY highschool football game home and away. It was just that great. This whole season has felt that way to me and it’s phenominal.

So I went to a friends house after work to go watch the game and of course there was alcohol involved. I only bring it up becuase there is more to this story that meets the eye. First and formost the game was awesome even though Denver lost and now San Antonio is in complete control over the series. With that done I can peacefully move on. Basically this apartment is run by 3 people. Person A is a severe alcoholic and is always drunk. I’m not kidding … dead serious. Person B is only dating person A(I believe) because he’s rich. Person B is incredibly gorgeous but as soon as you find out what kind of person she is makes her totally disgusting. Make sense? Person C isn’t too bright, when I first met her she was very cute and now well … I don’t know what’s happened to her. Ok, I know but it’s irrelevant and it’s pretty mean. Person B is really cool but it’s sickning to see what she does and how she gets away with it. I only focus on her becuase every male focuses on her. Lets face it. She’s gorgeous. Incredibly attractive, she’s going to school and she’s somewhat ambitious. She’s one of those people that I’m incredibly attacted to but would never date. I only bring this up becuase it sucks to see her be put to bed passed out drunk by an even bigger alcoholic. Person A is very protective and he tends to get very jealous. I think I’d be jealous to if I had a woman that was waaaaaaaaaaaay out of my league. My roomate is also going in a downhill spiral. I can see it now too …. I’ve seen it since day one. Physically they aren’t even remotley close to each others scale but I can honestly say in 7 out of 10 areas in a woman he can do better. God this is so intertwined and none of this that is being typed is making sense. I think it’s becuase my mind is thinking at a million lightyears a millisecond and I can only type so quickly. I wonder what it’s like to have a woman out of my league ….

Could it be that I’m lonley? Could it be that I’m tired. Could it be that I think I’m the only sane person alive? Could it be?

Perhaps …

G’Night,
-kc

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Friday, April 29, 2005

BOOM BABY!
Current mood: chipper

So yea, today was a darn good day. School was awesome, work was awesome just everything went together. BOOM BABY. Anywho … today for once my drive home was phenominal. 65-80 all the way home, no stopping given rain/snow delays. Just perfect. A gorgeous drive and the whole way the beautiful snow covered rockies in my rear view mirror. Can life get any better? I think not ….

@School. Everything was superduper awesome for me actually. I was stressing hardcore over my midterms. All in all I did darn good. I got an 85% on my AI test, I can do complex math but I can’t figure out the correct gamestate needed for AI? DOH! For my other class … networking fundementals I scored a 95%! Me a networker! Can you imagine! BAH! lol, that is what makes this soooo much more sweeter. The only thing that stunk hardcore about school is my stupid Physics class. seriously, things need to improve and at first I thought it was me. At first I thought it was becuase I was no good at physics but then I look at the test. None of the answers to the questions are in the book? In fact … some of the thing mentioned on the test wasn’t in the book. Wasn’t in the book? On a test? Your kidding me right? No … in fact when you googled the question a test showed up with all the answers. Go figure. My teacher rips a premade test from the internet, my guess is becuase he’s lazy, and gives it to us without even reviewing it. Lame. Questions where the same …. answers were the same. Everything. Whatever, when confronted about the test he states he had a program generate the test for him randomly. Wow … as a programmer I know that’s BS. The only time to get the same seeded value with a random generator is about a zillion to none. But yet there were multiple copies of this test floating on the internet? I’m not stupid … oh well. The questions I didn’t know I got right, which makes me feel dirty and shameless but he doesn’t seem to care that we got the answers from the internet. It’s the "educational" experience we get from his class … hehe yea right.

@Home. Things are going good. I guess. I need a lady … no. I need to play some video games. Yes .. that sounds super. Video games …. and I think that’s what I’m going to do …

Night,
-kc

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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Snowflake’s chance in hell
Current mood: pessimistic

Ok ok. So I thought it was just plain bad luck but now I know it’s GOD toying with me. Dirty bastard.

This is the second night IN A ROW that it’s been piss poor outside and my drive home has gotten me killed. I drive 52 miles round trip everyday from my red hawk ranch apartment to the IBM campus in boulder. It’s ridiculous. I think, well hope it’s the only attribute I have geared towards the opposite sex, is my intelligance however tonight I was a stupid fool …. again.

So, I’m a horrible person when it comes to directions. When somebody says west …. on a normal map heading north that’s left right? Apparently I didn’t follow my buddies direction. Perhaps I’m jumping ahead of myself. So lets recap. It snowed today. I snowed exactly 5 million feet in just under 4hours. For those that don’t know I HATE snow. I wish these snowflakes would move to arizona where their welcome would be short lived. So the night before I had horrible experiences with my drive home becuase it was so bad out and tonight was about 10 times worse. My buddies, ok ok I wont’ pawn it off on them IT WAS ME decieded to try another route home. Sometimes my stupidity I have to laugh at. Anyways, I get this map that’s drawn half ass which looks like it was designed by a pre-school dropout. So I take my chances … I take a left(WEST) going north but it was actually EAST and I ended up out in some town which can only be described as a pimple on GOD’s behind. Dirty bastard. So a half hour pasts, It’s a stinkin blizzard AND I don’t know where I’m going. Anybody who knows me knows I HATE my cell phone and never carry it. No cell phone, out in nowhere during a blizzard. Oh yea … I can only get smarter right? Wrong. I deciede to turn around and the only place to do it within the past 50 miles is some farmland that’s now covered in 10 feet of snow. Needless to see me and betsie were under quite a bit of snow and I plowed my way out. As I’m plowing my way out a stupid horse is in front of me and as tempted as I was to have horse burgers, I resisted … slammed on my brakes and did a complete 360. *sighs* what a nightmare.

I really need to find a better route home. Even if it is an extra hour on top of my hour drive. I’d rather be alive than dead at this point. *takes a deep breathe* That in itself is a good feeling. So much in fact I can laugh at the situation. I was lost, I admit … I almost hit a horse in a blizzard and it took me an hour and a half to get home. Nice ….

So right now my in my tunes list is Gin and Juice by Snoop Dogg. My roomate just came in and transfered a new .mp3 to my computer. It’s still Gin and Juice but it’s by some country artists. It’s pretty halarious!

So what else? I dunno … how about work? Ahhh yes ….. that’s going super duper.

How about school? *sighs* Two midterms in one day is enough to make anybody scream. I dont’ think I aced them but then again the last time I thought that I ruined the curve with my 100. We’ll see …

Oh yea … as for my title "Snowflake’s chance in hell" it was a double pun to remind me to talk about my trip home, check, and also this weird phenomenon.

*note*
We introduce this regularly broadcasted webblog to announce that kc DID spell phenomenon correctly the first time oh yea!
*/note*

To continue … this weird phenomenon is women. Yes I said it. What’s up with these ladies that are absolutley gorgeous, funny, smart, the perfect package being in relationships? Ladies … this has GOT to stop! Don’t stop dating, just date the right guys that’s all. Some people I see together I have to put my bifocals on becuase they don’t look compatible for one another. And yes, at the age of 20 when I see a mismatched couple I need to get glasses. The guys a jerk, she’s got black and blue marks on her and yet "she’s in love". Pfft. right. What’s with this? I wish somebody would write a book about it … I’d sure invest stock in it.

laterZ,
-|<(

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

If I were gay ..
Current mood: rejected

Here we are
Dear old friends
You and i drunk again
laughs have been had
tears have been shed
maybe the whisky has gone to my head
but if i were gay
i would give you my heart
and if i were gay
you’d be my work of art
and if i were gay
we would swim in romance
but im not gay
so get your hand out of my pants

its not that i dont care
i do
i just dont see myself in you
another time another scene
i’d be right behind you if you know what i mean
coz if i were gay
i would give soul
and if i were gay
i would give you my whole… being
and if i were gay
we would tear down the walls
But I’m Not gay
so wont you stop cupping my Ba… Hand

we’ve never hugged
we’ve never kissed
i’ve never been intimate with your fist
you have opened brand new doors
get over here and drop … your … Drawers
~Stephen Lynch
==================================================

So I’m just sitting here. I was listening to stephen lynch and thought this song was halarious. I’m not gay however that does bring up a funny story. My roomates girlfriend/cousin once came into town and I am a pretty shy guy so I immediatly went to my room. They thought I was gay becuase of how "well groomed" I was. Pfft! I’m a momma’s boy, what can I say?

I only bring this up because my view on ladies recently has changed. I realised that the ladies I’ve ever dated have been partiers. Teenage bombshells just wanting to explode in all the wrong directions. Ladies that had no direction in life or any goals. Ladies that knew they were gorgeous and ambitious and for that made them ugly. I just never noticed. They have been the overly outgoing type and quite frankly outta my league. Why can’t I find a bookworm? Could it be that I never visit the library? I only bring it up becuase my buddies laughed at me today given my "gawking factor". I’m usuallya pretty picky guy. Not so much because I’m shallow but becuase I’d rather be single than have a women that is just playing games. I gawk. I admit. Who doesn’t? Male or female …. yea right … I’m sure even YOU at one point have stared at a gorgeous female.

So I almost died today. It’s true. Dont’ cry though … I’m ok. It was half snowing half raining tonight and my drive home is on a "highway". HA. More like a country road that was never travled doing about 65mph. I had to turn on my brights in order to see 2 feet ahead of me! It was insane! Even I-25 was horrendous and it was soooo foggy my poor betsie and I almost died. Multiple times! Construction … didn’t help. Actually it did. They had all of these bright cones all over the road that allowed me to swerve each time to miss and stay on the road. Ok … so it was really that bad but I was being sarcastic. Construction is the worst here in Colorado. By the time they finish a project the beginning of the project is broken and it’s a vicious cycle. bah! Anywho …

I’m kind of tired. I’ve got the killers mr brightside playing. Also I’ve got the fray cable car lulling me to sleep. Such a great band …. such a great band.

Night all,
-kc

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Monday, April 25, 2005

Super duper
Current mood: calm

I`m the diamond in the dirt, that ain`t been found
I`m the underground king and I ain`t been crowned

That’s 50 cent by the way. Perhaps I’ll comment more on this later

Anywho, today was an excellent day. I woke up and I was even able to sleep in. *gasps* yes sleep in. 7am to be exact. I was at school by 8 oclock. I would have been early but stinkin traffic on I-25 southbound is a nightmare and a half. I’d rather have freddy cougar in my dreams ….

School was good though. I learned quite a bit. I kind of had to … I missed the last week of it! I didn’t play hookie, I was at training for my new job. Things are going schwell there too however back to school I had to make up so much material and the fact that my school is accelerated doesn’t help out any. So not only do I have to keep up with an accelerated school, I also have to make up a week of it. Luckily in my physics class I didn’t miss too too much. Newtons laws … all of which would make for boring reading material. Linear algebra I missed 2 assignments and I have to read a chapter to even being understanding the concepts. I have to read … test is on Wensday :S

What’s really going to hit me hard is I had midterms on friday in two of my classes and I need to make those up. Midterms. Just the thought of it makes me gringe. It makes me gringe even more knowing it’s in two of my hardests classes ever thus far in my courses to date. AI(Artifical Intelligance). Nothing but lame vector math and dot products. bleh. My second midterm is in Networking Fundementals. It cracks me up I’m even in this class. I don’t want to learn subnetting, IP config, stuff that I’ll need. My programming buddies would laugh at me however I’d like to be well rounded … especially if I’m ever to be sucessful in mainstream society.

*sighs*

And I have to work tonight.

**OFF TOPIC**
There are milk chocolate covered pretzels made by nestle I think, key word, milk. I only bring it up because they are phenominal but the white chocolate pretzels are disgusting. yuck!

Ok, so a little more off topic. I’m usually a casual music listner. By casual I mean in the same sense that I don’t listen to anything to … heavy? If a lady or my mother were to sit in my car(aside from how loud it is) I wouldn’t be embaressed or even have to change CD’s. But sometimes I just get in the moods were I just have to listen to something a tad bit more offensive than normal. I’m talking Eminem or 50 Cent. I’ve tried many times to determine what my problem is but the only thing I can conclude would be sometimes you just gotta let loose. It’s ok not to be bottled up inside, it’s ok to roll your windows up, close the sunroof and just scream to your hearts content. Scream until the anger and frustration is gone. Scream until no more blood can possibly be squeezed into your head.

I think that’s it. I’m sure that more random nonesense will filter through my mind at some point during the day but we’ll just have to see …

-kc

PS
This is what the alphabet would look like if Q and R were left out. Blogging is nothing new to me, I did it straight daily, if not twice daily. If anything to relieve such pain and sorrow I was thinking. It’s pretty nice writing with a diffrent mindeset …..

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Sunday, April 24, 2005

A glimpse

A glimpse into my past. My previous posts …

=================================================
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Incredible, I guess
Ok, so hopefully this will be a long post. We’ll see how it goes, we’ll see how frustrated I get, We’ll just have to see.

First and foremost I’ve only got one die hard fan left in my repository which is neat I guess. I get a few scragglers, ok … I get none, there is literally only one person who comes here any more. I know why too. Not that I know who you are, but I know why everybody else left my web site. I think it’s because either they don’t care anymore, we’ll entitle that option as "Option A". "Option B" will be I talk about the same stupid stuff … over and over and over again. Or option c … *coughs* "Option C" is well … I don’t know why you would still be reading this.

So why do you still read this? Why do you come here day after day after day? Not that I’m upset, i’m somewhat flattered actually, but I’m just curious as to Why? A 3 letter word that so incredibly easy to ask but probably a million times harder to answer? Why? I don’t know, YOU, and I say you because YOU are literally the only person that comes here anymore. Feel special? Before when I was a diehard junkie with my journal, posting at least a novel once a day, talking about women, talking about work, talking about school and such I had quite a turnout. Friends, neighbors, Ex loved ones would come here. To get into my mind, my thoughts and perhaps have the feeling of a false sense of understanding of me. Perhaps this is why they all left. I believe they all left becuase they know nobody can really figure me out. Nobody can truly understand what is going through my mind at any given time, and perhaps this is why so many people have given up. Seriously, your the only person …. I guess I’m kind of curious as to whom YOU are. Are you my roomate? Can’t be … your IP addy is not even remotely close to mine, hehe … remotley. Are you my neighbor? Someone whom I’ve never even met before? Highly unlikley. So who are you and why will you not reveal yourself? ok ok … you don’t have to. I will play detective and figure you out *evil grin*

So anyways, to continue on to YOU, whom I will write.

Not alot has happened latley. Ok, I lied. Tons of things have happened to me latley. So much in fact I feel the need to type and express my thoughts in such a way that only true bloggers can understand. My blogging for the longest time was an addiction, I would set aside an hour a night to vend my ideas and my rants but over the course of time I realised I needed to grow up and handle myself in more of an adult oriented manner. This though is something I need to write down. So 10 years later I can look back on this and laugh at how pessimistic I am, how incredibly stupid I am, and so I can say to myself that everything will be fine.

So lets start shall we? Well … before we do I hope that whoever you are, you can understand that what I type in my blog are things that I’m thinking and not necessarily things that I would like to be held accountable for. Does that make sense? I hope .. perhaps it’ll make more sense as I continue.

So … lets talk the biggest bitter sweet moment in my life thus far. As your probably aware, or not, I got a job at IBM. Basically I’m a contracted employee for another company working for IBM on IBM’s CISCO client. I’m basically doing deskside support over the phone. I’m perfectly fine with this and am loving the opportunity to be working with such a technical field. I’m doing the things I love. Spreading the knowledge and know how of computers work to better everybody’s daily life to technically smart people. It’s such a fantastic environment from what everybody has told me and my own personal experience, one week so far, is just tremendous. I realise it’s a call center but it doesn’t feel like one. My team only has like 30-50 people on it I think and on top of that I’m dealing with CISCO employees and nothing else. It’s an incredible feeling waking up and putting on an IBM badge. IBM. Wow. Such an incredibly powerful company, a company everybody knows and can appreciate in some regards. A company so powerful that any of it’s employees are immediatly respected. That’s what I want that I know I’ll never have. This is why my sweetness has turned to such bitterness.

I’m literally 100 yards away(if not less) than my dream job. If I were to work for IBM on a project team or even in their programming department I think my heart and mind would explode with happiness and I think everything would fall into place. I know that seems stupid, materialistic and immature but I can’t stop believing that a real job there would be so incredible. Probably life changing. This past week I’ve stared at my badge just hoping that my yellow contracting emblem would turn blue and I would somehow be immersed in a million lines of C++ code, it being midngiht and I’m working my hardest to complete a project. I’ve always invisioned that but this week it’s been completly diffrent experience. I’m so close, yet so far away and it’s so incredibly hard to describe it correctly. When I think about it, the idea of where I’m at now and where I’ll be in the next year it’s almost as if somebody takes a 2×4 and hits me across the chest.

My problem is simple. I’m contracted to work at IBM and not an "official" employee. Secondly, even if I were to work my tail off and become an IBM employee after numerous years, apparently it’s incredibly hard to be a contractor to an actual employee, I’d be working calls. Day in and day out which is fine but that’s not what I want. I want to work weekends. I want to work holidays. I just want to be on a project where I can sit behind a computer and show the world my poetry.

My code.

Is that to much to ask? Apparently it is … either that or this is just me being pessimistic, again. I could be completly wrong, I may walk in one day and have somebody say "Hey kc, I heard you were a programmer that didn’t mind getting paid 12 bucks an hour to do 50$ an hour worth of work and I heard you were ready?, are you ready to come work on a worthwhile project?" *sighs* Of course that’s me being silly. Such dreams would never come true …

I’m using IBM as a refrence because that’s what I’m closest to however I’d give anything to have a programming job anywhere, even if it is making database utilities and such for any company. Any company I can use my thoughts and ideas without ridicule, where they will be accepted and even trashed but at least they’d be heard. I just want to belong to a company that when it’s name is mentioned it demands your respect, it demands your attention. I use IBM becuase IBM deserves my respect and my attention.

All the while my roomate is given the opportunity from his uncle to work there. Of course nothing is guarenteed but hey, his chances are alot better than mine. His uncle has "connections" Such connections I’d give my right hand for, such connections that I’d be willing to cut off my right hand, learn to write with my left, type and code with only my left for the rest of my life. Such connections … well you get the point. But he doesn’t want handouts which I can completly respect and even understand, but come on … there are people out there, many people out there who would give anything to be in his shoes right at this point and yet he’s passing it up. Just like that … and it seems as if he’s not blinking twice.

I don’t know, I guess I’m jealous. Screw it. I am jealous. I’m envious and everything that comes along with the territory of being given those opportunities. I wish I had the opportunities he has. I’d be satisfied if I were given 1/10th the opportunities he’s been given. Has he earned these opportunities? I can honestly say I think that he has. Of course some of it is a bit hazy but all in all he’s earned them. I keep running over and over in my mind as to how he’s "earned" them and I’ve come to the conclusion he made friends with the perfect people when he first moved here which is lucky I guess, but hey, I really am happy for the guy. Jealous. But happy.

A part of me wants to just sit on my bed and stare at the wall. Stare into nothingness forever and hope things resolve themselves. I know that will never happen, not the part of me laying on my bed forever but things resolving themselves. Another part of me wants to drive down to IBM right this instance, even if it is 10 oclock, and ask a software engineer if I could shadow him for a week. See what it’s like to be in the position that I’ve only dreampt(sp?) about. Maybe make some friends and some good contacts and hope and pray that one day I can earn the respect of one and be invited onto a team. *sighs* ok … i’ll stop dreaming.

Alright, so I’ve explained my thoughts on my job right now. I hope I’m clear but I’ve got about a billion and one thoughts running through my head and unfortunatly I’m typing it all as fast as I can and probably am not making any sense. Hopefully whoever you are, you can bare with me

My next situation is somewhat of a tricky one to word. I will do my best but again, so many thoughts are running through my head. Before I begin I first want to say that everybody has flaws. Everybody has things that irritate the heck out of other people and it’s bound to happen, it’s life. So before I begin about my roomate(s) I gotta say that before any of this ever happened and even now I love them all to death. I think that they are a perfect match for my personality and if I were to sit here and type all of the positive things about them I would be here all day and I mean that, seriously. But something has happend within this past week that is just, well … it’s overwhelming. So let me begin ….

I’m going to begin about a year or so ago and perhaps this will make more sense as I progress. So it’s about a year ago and we had an idea to have one of our friends to come live with us for 6 months until we got our new apartment and he would then move in. We all discussed it and came to the conclusion that we didn’t want that because it would be far to much for us to deal with(an extra person in a small apartment to begin with) and of course we were scared of the reprocussions of our apartment complex. So during this time we were "voting" on another person staying with us most of the riducle came from one of my current roomates. He didn’t want to do anything illegal or anything which is fine, clearly stated that EACH roomate needed to agree on it and of course make sure EVERBODY in the household was well aware of everything that was happening. Now weather or not that truly happened he would debate it, and believe you me he would debate forever, that’s at least how I precieved the situation.

So lets fastforward until a 1.5 weeks ago and I’ll give you some background. Apparently my roomat(were going to call him A) was dating this girl for a while, for how long I have no clue. Anywho … they hadn’t been seeing each other since he moved out here which has easily been 3 years. So A hasn’t seen this girl in 3 years aside from visits home which are pretty rare and for the most part from what I saw, I could be wrong of course, very little contact was made between the two. So 1.5 weeks ago my other roomate(roomate B) says to me "so yea, A is having his girlfriend move up here". *picks jaw up off floor*. Since when have they been dating? Is this a new discovery? Is this a new development I wasn’t aware of? And keep in mind this is the same guy that kept veto’ing the bill for somebody else to move in because of space issues a year earlier. On the same page with me? If your not then let me go into a little bit more detail.

The same guy(A) that’s having his girlfriend move without asking anybody first is the same guy that did not want our future roomate(roomate C) to move in a year earlier and demanded that everybody know about it, and again I say demanded becuase that’s how I remember the situation. So are we clear?

Ok … so we’ve got roomates A,B,C to keep track of.

So roomate A is having is girlfriend move up without asking anybody before and so I confront him about it and roomate A response was "Do you have a problem with it?". What am I going to say? Yes? I do … BUT I don’t on the same hand because when joanna and I were dating she was over all the stinkin time and I felt bad for it too so I didn’t say anything. "No" I replied. "As long as I don’t have to sleep with her" I joked.

A drives the VERY next day and picks her up, brings her home. So the entire day I was thinking to myself how this was going to work out. Will she have her own bed, she paying rent? What is the deal? So lets fast forward to our current situation. A’s girlfriend is NOT paying rent, A and his girlfriend are sleeping together. This of course is NONE of my buisness however I find it somewhat odd that they are sleeping together with very little contact the last few years. Doesn’t that seem odd? It does to me … A is paying for EVERYTHING for his girlfriend. And she has the nerve to think aloud what she WANTS and he’s perfectly fine with it. "Do I want this or this …. hmmmmmm …. what do I want". He takes her shopping, takes her out to eat what seems like 3 times a day and pays for it all, if she needs anything at all wether it be necessity or want he pays for it. She doesn’t have a job and she’s been here for a while and she’s picked up one App. Oh and not to mention she’s very flurtasious(sp?) Myself and roomate C both had very uncomfortable experiences with her. So let me tell you about my experience. I just got off work and I’m sitting here, typing my emails actually, and she comes in without me hearing(I had my music up) and she drapes her arms around me and just the way she did it was like "WHOA!" and then she started to give me a massage. Is she being nice? Is she being flurtatious with me? I have no idea. The first thing that runs through my mind is what if roomate A walks in, he’s gonna be pissed! At least I would be if my lady was giving some other dude a massage. WTF. Anyways, I grab her arms and fling them off me and basically said in not the same wording to back off! Normally that wouldn’t bother me but man, just the way she did it. It’s really hard to explain.

So I keep this to myself becuase hey, I don’t want to think nothing of it, I didn’t do anything wrong, it was her and besides I could be over reacting. Even then I can’t say she did anything wrong however that’s NOT how I want my lady to act around other guys. You have to understand that’s my mindset. So again .. I didn’t say anything until roomate C came along and was really hisitant but he ended up telling me his situation with her. Same thing! Very very flurtatious and he had the same experience with her than I had however he had more encounters because he wasn’t as abrupt with her as I was.

So real quick, let me recap. She loves other people’s money, and she’s flirting(again I could be totally misconstruing the situation however ……. ) with somebody other than her boyfriend. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ……………

Ok, so you want my opinion? I don’t think it’s going to last. A couple things here is going to happen and weather or not it’s because of my exprience with women or becuase I’m an ousider looking into the situation. He’s going to run out of money, eventually. There are only so many hours in a day one man can work and still provide himself food. She’s very flurtatious which is a HUGE no no in my book. So he’s going to run out of money, she’s going to find a job with a bunch of other guys around and she’s gonna leave him.

Both me and roomate C can already see this coming(we’ve had a couple hour long talks about this while we BS with each other). So what do I do? Do I sit back and watch the demise of my best friend? Do I tell him that this is heading in the wrong direction with this chicka? What do I do? It’s none of my buisness and that’s how I’ll act from here on out. I won’t say anything, i’ll just sit back and observe. I think I’ve come to this conclusion becuase he’s sooooo incredibly happy right now. I don’t want to ruin that for him. I don’t want to steal his spotlight. Steal his happiness. That’s right now however I can only imagine what this is going to do to him when she walks away never to be seen again. I don’t want to confront him about her especially now, so soon even though everybody around him can clearly see it. The last thing I want is to confront him about it and him give me the whole "I’m jealous" talk. I can forsee that one too. I dunno what to do. Danged if I do, Danged if I don’t.

*sighs*

So yea … things are going incredible for me. I guess.

I need to get going … i’m hoping to write more but who knows, you know? I do hope you continue to come back, whoever you are, wherever you are.

Goodnight,
-Casey

posted by theMayor @ 8:27 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 18, 2005
Somewhat ….
So I decieded to post. Why? It’s about five oclock in the morning and my body feels like it’s bedtime. The problem is I can’t. I have to go to work here shortly. To fool myself I set my alarm clock ahead a half hour so if I did deciede to snooze it a million times(like normal) then I’d be ok still. I have to be at IBM by 7:30am. It’s rough, I know.

I’m somewhat nervous. Ok, lets cut through the cheese, I AM nervous. This building is huge and it only gets bigger the closer you get. I have to park in lot B out of Z and each parkinglot is twice the size of my highschool’s parking lot. It’s(the building) literally a square mile(if not bigger) around and in doing so has a ton of big name companies. Sysco, lexmark .. etc.

It’s pretty incredible and I know it’s only a crappy desk job however I hope that I can get in with some internal job postings or something. Move my way up etc … I’d really like to anyways but you never know. Even if I can’t I can still put it on my resume which makes me happy.

So yea … aside from that all is well in the universe. I am however going to have to miss some school to do this. Approximatly 3 classes if not more, it just depends on what exactly I need to do to finish my training. I am thankful though, this whole situation’s pressure was allivated(sp?) somewhat becuase my buddy showed me around. I know exactly what to do and if I can use a little common sense I’ll be ok. So there you have it, I updated. ARe you happy?

Peace,
-theMayor

PS
Finally got mandrake 10.0 official running, it’s horrible, upgrade to 10.1 … its a billion times better for wireless support

posted by theMayor @ 4:09 AM 0 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005
Candle is lit
My candles are lit. Literally. Perhaps I was just getting paranoid or perhaps it’s the truth but I thought my room was stinking there for a bit. My roomates say it was just me but they of course are all guys and could care less, I certainly didn’t want any ladies in my room to "test" it out. So I decieded to put my fears aside, I bought 2 candles and a glade plugin. So super awesome my room smells now My candle I bought is a glade french vanilla along with my plug-in. *sniffs air* So sweet it smells. I love the smell of vanilla. I think I like it so much because when I first bought my car it didn’t have the new car smell so my mother bought me my vanilla leaves or the little gizmo’s you buy at wal-mart to fool me into thinking that’s what a new car smells like. Ever since Betsie I’ve been hooked.

So since my last post some great news have come up. I got a job at IBM! It’s so so news right now but I’m trying to be optomistic right now along with for the future. You see, I got in with the sysco group, i’ll have my own desk(apparently) and of course work for IBM. It’s basically phone support with sysco employees helping with their software. See, this is my ticket in. If I do good, surley I’ll go places with IBM. I can still hope right? God that would be so awesome.

"So where do you work at now that you have your degree?"
Me: "IBM"

Schweet!

I’m so stoked. I can only hope good things will come out of this. I’ve gotta be optomistic becuase if a key has been ever handed to me, this is it. For sure. I gotta believe something positive is going to happen.

So yea … that’s awesome and I’m pretty stoked.

As for some other weird news. We had a blizzard yesterday it seems here in denver. It snowed like 2 feet in a couple of hours. It was a nightmare. Wind was blowing cars off the highway, the roads were slicker than an bob sled track. It was so bad I was 6 minutes late for work, which was perfectly fine with my boss. Well, just becuase his car got stuck on the side of the road, the curb actually, and he forgot his work clothes in his truck and had to wear his street clothes for part of the day. I say part because we actually got to leave at noon as apposed to 8PM due to the weather. It was great. I came home, slept all day long. Bum, did I hear bum? Or was it lazy!

Listen here you! I went to school from 8-4, worked from 5pm until 1:30am and had to be to work the next day by 10am. Considering down time and of course the half hour drive one way I’d say a nap for an hour or so was in order!

So yea, everything is … well heck, everything is shibby! Slowly but surley I think we’ll all get through this life and perhaps even into the next.

So until I reach the next life,
Peace love and chicken grease,
- theMayor

PS
Also seeing as my fanclub I’ve noticed has gone from 30+ regulars to 3 I may deciede to start posting quite a bit more. We’ll see

posted by theMayor @ 10:49 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 28, 2005
My state
Usually when one thinks of a state you think of Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, New York etc however being the unusual type of person I am, first thing I think of is state, state of mind, a control state. Basically an AI(Artificial Intelligance) term that describes the current process’s that are taking place. For example with an enemy in a video game they have their rest state where they aren’t doing a whole lot, they have their attack state where of course they are attacking and then of course they have their flee state where they, you guessed it, they are fleeing. So again, the state that I am refering to means what I am processing in my mind.

I tried to see if I could put into a single word my current state. My emotional state but nothing came to mind. Well, alot came to mind but nothing that could be summarized with one word. Confused, hopeless, futile, lonley were just a few. Women, OS’s, Betsie again, some keywords that I rememberd hearing about.

I get in these moods, I would imagine everybody does. These moods where something HAS to change. Not quite sure what but something does. I tried changing a few things. For example, I re-arranged my room, I changed my operation system from xp pro to redhat 9.0. I get in these moods and every single time they all change at the same time. I can’t help it. I don’t knwo what causes it. Am I mentally screwed up or is this life? I don’t know, I feel however only few things can recoupe me. One of which I did tonight which was wash my car. It was so nice, washing my car. I havn’t been able to do so in a very long time giving the nature of the weather and also my availibility with sunshine and my time off. They usually do not go hand in hand like one would imagine. I washed my car today, complete relaxation. Then I proceeded to do my math homework. I eneded up getting half of a section done. I have like 4 more sections left with 30 problems in each … oh yea .. did I mention my physics class also has 5 sections due as well … pretty sooon? So i’mve been freaking out, trying to get everything done however it’s futule.

It’s futile. What happens when it gets futile. I type .. .like i’m doing now at 1 am. Typing, blabbing away with no purpose or direction. In fact my eyes are closed. I’m not even quite sure what I’m typing I’m so tired, just free flow typing. Perhaps when I open my eyes in the morning from an awesome night’s sleep the world will make sense? GOD I hope so. I hope so.

-take care,
Casey

posted by theMayor @ 11:46 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, March 22, 2005
I figured it’s time
So I figured it’s time I updated again. Apparently there are still some people that read this dusty journal. I don’t update as frequently as I should however I am updating at about the pace that I need to be. I’ve learned over the last 6 months to a year that some things that are in my head are for me alone. Nobody needs to know even if they care to know. So who still reads this? I have no idea. I’m not even entirely sure why however for those that still read I’d figure I’d say at least ozweegoville.com in July will be no more.

I got a subscription letter back and I don’t feel the need for my internet safe haven. I’ll always have ozweegoville in my mind and that in itself is good for me. Each night before I go to sleep I always ask myself what I did good/poor in my day so that way I can repeat it or fix it. That in itself is a good remedy. Also I plan on buying tiny day planners so I can write down a few thoughts. Just the little pocket size ones. I think they are like 2 x 3.5 inches big. I came to this conclusion at work one day actually. This gentleman came in looking for one becuase his had gotten washed. He said it was his own therapy and he’d been keeping a very simple journal for over 15 years on pen and paper. 1 journal per year. He said he’d write a sentence down before he went to sleep. Just one sentence. He explained to me over the past 15 years he’d been keeping this journal he never repeated the same sentance and I realise now thats’ a darn good idea.

So no more ozweegoville after july of course. Will I keep my blog? That is a decesion that I’ve contemplated. I really have no need. Life is good right now and if one thing I’ve learned from all my days of DVD watching is that the "Universe unfolds as it should". My last 6 months is living proof of this and I need not worry. I will, but I need not. It’s not worth the headache, the agony. Do what you want when I want and look towards the future. I figure that’s all I really need, well …. I figure that’s what I want.

I looked at a few things in my life. Women, material things, social aspects and what have you and I realise I don’t really care about any of it. As long as Im happy. Is that our purpose in life? Is to be happy …. perhaps, I really have no clue but if "somebody’s" master plan for me is to be happy 100%. I’d be damn happy with it:) lol .. I guess I’d kind of have to be. As for women, it’ll be a while for me to be intrested again. I figure 12 years or a z06 later. As long as I have fun friends, video games, school and work i’m not going to fret.

So there you have it. Not much is happening ot me, I lead a boring life. Email me … something whatever.

Peace, i’m outta here just for today of coures

-kc

posted by theMayor @ 11:19 AM 0 comments

Friday, March 04, 2005
Unbelievable
It’s so crazy how this world works. Somedays up, the next days down. All and all though they’ve been up for me. Which is definetly a good sign. Lots of minor stupid things have happened, however those that know me know that I am a simpleton and as such these minor stupid things are incredibly huge for me.

First and foremost(I can’t quite if I remember telling you or not) but my job at office max is going great. It’s not as glamorous however it’s alot of fun, i’m up walking around moving all day, lifting heavy boxes, essentially I come evernight feeling so tired and that is awesome. I am glad to get away from a boring desk job, I know i’ll have a deskjob when I get into the "real world" however it’ll be something I enjoy doing. But for now I’m stuck there and I only use the term stuck becuase for the time being I don’t plan on going anywhere. It’s easy, cake really. It’s fun, ok, not too fun but if one can actually believe it, moreso then echostar. I’m only working a little which is enough to pay the bills, keep me happy and also keep me alive which is intresting. I dunno, everything has goine schwell.

Also rumors are flying that when we graduate we are going to be moving. To where? Who knows? With whom? who knows? To where? Some ideas …. California .. possibly houston texas. California just because of silicon valley where both dreams are met and destroyed. Houston only as a backup … when the time close near I would ask my sister if I could stay with her for a week or two just to see if I could find a job. that would be last resort and I really do hate doing that to her but it’s another option. Finally I may just stay here. aFter all I am getting used to it here and I do like it(for the most part). It would be awesome to find a job here too. We’ll see.

So yea, been listening to alot of comedy. Chris rock mostly. Jerry Seinfield too. Good stuff … all of it. Been playing tons of World of Warcraft. It’s such a fun game and those that play should get on destromath and look for me, email me, maybe i’ll give out my toon’s name So i’m off to stare at my fishtank, relax. I just bought a diet coke, macaroni salad and chedderwursts to remind me of the golden days. My first days on my own. My first days of freedom.

My first real days of solitude. Bye for now.

Casey

posted by theMayor @ 10:28 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Let me go
One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And your not something I deserve

I can’t get this part of the song out of my head. It’s off the new 3 doors down CD which I havn’t listened to all the way primarly because it’s so new, I’m so broke and well … I’d rather do the right thing and buy their cd. I feel obligated to buy their cd in a sense. Primarily because my ideas behind music are so strong. I sincerly believe that music can easily give us a new world to escape to, music is the soundtrack to our lives which is what dick clark once said. He’s right. I can listen to any song and tell you what was going on in my life at the time I listened to it. I’ve said it a billion times but I can’t listen to Lifehouse anymore. Just becuase it brings me to a part of life that I wish to forget. However it’s an outstanding cd none the less.

I apologise for my incoherance in my last post. I was too busy laughing at the movie we were watching and of course I was pretty nervous too. Nervous as in jittery. I like that feeling. You know the feeling where your about to dive into something so new and so refreshing. Almost as if your going 0ut on the date of the woman of your dreams. I think the fellas can relate to what I’m talking about. This feeling however was diffrent. No wait … it was the same however it wasn’t about a woman this time for once. It was a job. My first job really after my last horrible job. I can’t believe I put up with that crappy job for so long. I can’t believe how stupid and nieve I was. I suppose this is suppose to be a learning process for me. I was young when I first started into my first career choice. It was a poor decesion however one that I lived with for 2.5+ years.

So now I’m 20 years old. Going to school full time. This term I’m going 17 credit hours however usually I only go 15. I now am employed at OfficeMax which isn’t so terrible I imagine. I think it eases my mind knowing two things. First I have a job and hopefully *crosses fingers* can pay bills and relax a bit seeing as I’m only working parttime instead of full time and then some.
Before I get into the second part I just figured I’d explain how incredibly simple my job is. All I do is talk to people all day which is great, I get to walk around all day which is great(it makes me tired and once I sit down it feels good whereas before I would sit all day at work then come home and well …. sit some more). So perhaps walking all day miles at a time will do me some good. Next the managment there is super cool. Everybody there is only a little older than me and the ones that are too older for me it appears this IS their choosen career path and they are ok with it. There is nothing worse than having horrible managment which I found out the hard way of 2+ years working for my previous employer. There is on the contrary nothing better than working for excellent, fun loving, very knowledgable staff. This should be a pretty lax type job though. I’m looking forward to it and hopefully I can learn something new about life. Here’s to hoping.

Second of all it eases my mind knowing that this is NOT going to be the final career for me. I know something good is going to happen and it’s going to happen big time. Not only that but this big time is going to rain down on me.

No.

Better yet, it’s going to pour down on me like a river taking advantage of a old and busted up dam. It’s going to sweep me off my feet and as I open my eyes a whole new world awaits.

I can see my new world and it’s right around the bend, is yours?

- kc

posted by theMayor @ 8:53 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 14, 2005
WhiteCastle
So I’m sitting here with my roomies watching Harold and Kumar go to whitecastle. It’s been pretty funny thus far.

ok. So the real story is I start work tommorow at 10:00am. I’m a tad bit nervous but I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it has to do with working at a low pride center such as OfficeMax OR if it’s becuase I don’t want to work period. I’ve kind of liked not having a job and have since come accustomed to not working and relaxing. I think it may be a little wierd working in my free time. I am getting bored. I am tired of going to bed early becuase of the bordem. I havn’t re-up’d my subscription to WoW because … well because of a couple of reasons. Not only have I had alot of my mind I’ve been thinking of women. I’ve had one in particular on my mind for no reason whatso ever. I’ve noticed women quite a bit although I shouldn’t have. I don’t want anything from females however I think about them? How odd is that.

One thing that i’ve learned from all of this. Being poor … being lonley on valentines day.

In the end the universe unfolds as it should.

Peace I’m outta here.

posted by theMayor @ 8:38 PM 0 comments

Saturday, January 29, 2005
Feels like today
Rascal Flatts sings a song that describes exactly what is going on in my head. If you havn’t heard of it download it, buy it, do whatever. It’s a good song. For those that are living under a rock here are the lyrics.

I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
like a weight that I’ve carried
Been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I’ll find my way out of this longest drought…

It feels like today I know
It feels like today I’m sure
It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing I’m wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’ and then
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it’s not a moment thats frozen in time
It’s not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there’s light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that’s my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today I know,
it feels like today, I’m sure
It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing you’re wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’ and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing you’re wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’ and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

Plain and simple, something have to give. I went in for my interview the other day at OfficeMax and nailed it. Stupid waiting games. Games in general I hate.Games employers play, games women play, every game I think I hate except video and board games.

I talked with a friend of mine today. Jumanji. He is currently going to school in spain. Well actually to Boston College however he is studying abroad for a year. I’m completly envious, completly jealous whatever one would say. It would seem from the outside that his life is in complete order. It would seem from the outside that he’s perfectly happy … financially, emotionally and right now more then ever spirtiually. I think that alone is why I’m so envious/jealous.

I often wonder when things go astray for him what and who he turns to. Surley we can turn to our parents but sometimes in faces of danger and fear I’d rather not show that side to my parents. I know that he’s the same way to a certain extent however he turns to GOD. Time and time again I’ve tried to find my faith, tried to renew it but it’s not there. Futile.

So now I’mleft with a few simple thoughts, roman noodles and a prayer that I get my income tax money back ASAP before it’s too late. Too late for what? I don’t know yet ….

peace,
-kc

posted by theMayor @ 5:46 PM 0 comments

Thursday, January 20, 2005
So what now?
That’s the question I’ve been asking myself. So what now? Everything is going perfectly except financially. Another question. Who’s life is going schwell financially? I thought so. So a few things were going through my mind. I’ve got two checks expecting that will set my life straight however it’s the time between now and then that worries me. I’ve got 20 bucks to my name. It’s lasted quite a while actually but it won’t last forever.

I need a job actually. I’m trying at various employment agencies however no success. I suppose it’s because I’m extremely picky. I don’t want general, I don’t want to be responsible though. How can one have a good job with no responsiblility? I didn’t think so. I suppose I’m paranoid. Who knows.

I’m listening to Mitch Hedgburg right now, with my mates in the living room. We finished watching the 4th installment of the aliens. Awesome. I loved it as did I love the first second and the third. Third not so much but I like them all.

So what else? No clue … I thought I’d say something. Incoherant(sp?) or not. I should be going now. I just finished my homework and to be frank. It’s video game time.

-kc

posted by theMayor @ 8:33 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, January 18, 2005
No brakes
So there is a song sang by the Offspring called "No breaks". Excellent high tempo song for anybody that even reads this still. I only bring this up because I truly feel this is the song of my life. Either that or "Better man" by Pearl Jam.

I used to update my website daily and now, well now I just update it bi-weekly. I think the reason for that is because the people that are intrested in my life I tell and for those that arn’t I could care less. Talk to me 6 months ago and ask me what my opinion was on people I didn’t know I would say something to the effect that I cared way to much. I was very analytical and very uptight and wanted to please people. &^%$ that, I could care less now. I’m more direct than ever with people and tell them what I think and am not so reserved. I can honestly say that this is a new me and definetly a change that’s taken awhile. Perhaps I’m still self-centered, perhaps when the opportunity arise’s I still care what others think of me but for the most part. I don’t care. I honestly don’t.

We had a shindig last night. It was alot of fun. We invited friends over, friends whom I havn’t seen in quite some time, of course talked to all the time via instant messanger but havn’t actually physically seen. It was good. Of course video games were involved. Who can throw a shindig and not play Halo-2? Nobody! Didn’t think so. We watched comidies(my favorite). We watched robin williams live on broadway which is halarious by the way. We watched dodgeball. The part at the beginning with the cheerleading tryouts and the big lady lands butt first in his face. Priceless. Excellent movie and ben stiller has yet to make a movie I havn’t loved. Two thumbs up for ben stiller. Ok ok .. I retract my last comment. Zoolander now I think of it was DECENT at best. None the less you have to have a bad apple in a stockpile one would imagine.

So how is theMayor doing you ask? Schwell. I think I have been permantly attached to my seat the last two months. It feels as if the time is just passing by. So many things that I’ve wanted to do and for the most part I’ve done them all. I’ve accomplished everything however video games are rather addicting and helps take my mind of not having any money and no job. My job search is going ok I would imagine. I have a couple leads I need to follow up with but primarily I’m hoping my income tax will come into and save my hide. I’m hoping, things have been going so perfect I don’t forsee anything negative happening to me. financially. *crosses fingers*

Some days I just sleep. It’s soo incredibly nice just to sleep. Watch movies all day long. Play video games all day long. Go to school, finish homework and have time to do something. I think that’s the best. Finishing homework is key. It is for me anyways. I feel so refreshed and energetic for my day that it helps get through the long school days. I’m doing something in my life and for once I can actually see that. I noticed that tonight during my public speaking class.

Which brings me to my next topic. Fanclub, get this. In order to fulfill my bachelor requirments and graduate in October I have to haul buns to finish everything. Let me explain. When I first started going to school at westwood I was only going for my Associates in Software Engineering. I finished that up and decieded hey, I want my bachelors now instead. While I was finishing my associate level classes my classmates were taking the bachelor classes. You see, the classes I was taking at the time were NOT required for a bachelors, so to make a long story short I"m a term behind because of this, I have my associates already though whereas they do not, AND did I forget to mention I’m a term behind my classmates? So I’ve been going to school like mad to catch up and perhaps I finally did. All I had to do was take an extra class one term and *POOF* I’m there. Well I figure, no job, lots of time, lay it on me. What is the class I have to take you ask? Public Speaking. I’m sneaky, I figure I can take it online. Haha, I know what your thinking and YES they do offer it online. However nowhere in the syllabus did it say you had to have a camcorder which is ok with me. I have a super uber nice digital camera that I could have used.

WRONG.

It had to be in VHS format and none of us here have a VHS camcorder nor do we have a VCR. Sooo … I ask to change classes but they won’t let me. They say becuase Westwood has a camcorder on campus that I can use that and it’s no excuse. Ok, so I go and rent out the camcorder. I can’t. Why you ask? They’ve only got one(see, like a technical college they actually use digital cameras, not VHS) and becuase they only have one the graphic arts students have dibs on it. So they won’t let me change classes becuase they can offer a camcorder however I can’t ever use it because of this. Pretty F’d up if you ask me. I finally get it taken care of and I have to take a night class on my off day which is ok with no job.

Tonight was my first night and it was alot of fun. Everybody, including myself was nervous. There was only like 25-30 people and I had to improv my speech that was due. It could be about any topic and it only had to be 5 minutes.

I introduced myself and told my wackiest dream I had. Remember the shark and the state park? If not leave me a comment, perhaps I’ll post it in the next entry. So I introduce myself and I tell my story, got a few laughs. Realised just how young I am. I realised this when all of the older people 30-40 said "when I was your age" pointing to me. And time and time again it’s dawned on me. I should be able to take my first legal taste of alcohol well after I have my bachelors. I’m only 20 years old. Is that young? Comparitively yes to the other people but right on track in my eyes.

So .. that was intresting and a fun night of public speaking.

So what else is new? Not much. School. Video Games. Friends. Movies. Broke. It’s life.

And for the first time in my life, my 20 years of existance I can honestly say

I’m living it.

Peace
~theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 9:14 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, January 05, 2005
No motivation
I have absolutley no motivation right now to go outside or do anything. I hate snow. Wow, how do I hate snow. Half hour of scraping my windshields?! NO thanks …. I’ll pass.

I also realise I have very little movitvation to work on a new webpage. I’m sure the creative juices in my head are flowing at this point but nonethe less I don’t have any motivation. Weird becuase for a while that was my life. Working on site designs, planning and such. Nope, no now though. Perhaps when school picks up again I will but we’ll see. I’m in no rush to do anything dramatic at this point in my life.

&%$* it. I suppose it’s a good motto to live by wouldn’t you say? I think that’s been my motto now for the past month and for once in my life it’s worked. I don’t care what other people think of me, I don’t care what other people think I look like wether I’m cute or ugly. I don’t care. Fanclub, can you actually believe I havn’t bought gel in the past month? I didn’t think so … I did buy some but I havn’t used it I swear! I’ve been going how do you say in french, "all natureual". Lol, before I went home I had a beard. I won’t be doing that one again becuase shaving is a nightmare. It’s been alot of fun and I do appreciate the time off that I’ve been given and plan on taking full advantage of it.

It’s been nice single, new motto, unemployed. It’s been nice. It’s far exceeded any expectations that I had about it. Perhaps today I’ll work on a new website no? Perhaps I won’t … we’ll see. I doubt anybody comes here anymore but time and time again I’ve said this is for MY personal use and for nobody else’s.

take care,
theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 8:27 AM 0 comments

Monday, January 03, 2005
Taken for granted
So I didn’t realise how much a good keyboard was until now. I feel this is without a doubt the biggest key to blogging. A good keyboard. I can easily type my keys without hesitation, without thinking perhaps the keys are going to jam down nor do I literally have to punch them each individually. It’s so nice to have a good keyboard. Even better that it’s wireless.

I suppose I took it for granted.

So all and all my trip home was excellent. I got time to be by myself, just relax. Watch movies, hang out with the family, doggies and such. It was good. I can’t complain.

I did however forget to call my parents when I got into town which was a huge NO NO. My parents worry quite a bit and it’s all understandable but sometimes I feel they take it a little overboard. My mother and father going insane, believing perhaps my plane crashed, my car flipped over on the way home, or any other countless horrible outcomes. 14 hours later I called. I picked up my phone and 22+ messages were left wondering if I was ok. Apparently they were going to call the cops(this is already after they tried contacting my program director). I don’t know, I talked to them and they were very dissapointed in me. Again all understandable but sometimes it’s like wow. I’m 20 years old. I shouldn’t have to check in like this and more importantanly have a little faith in me. I think it’s becuase they don’t trust me. They don’t find me responsible however ask any of my friends and they will tell you that not only am I the most responsible kid around, I’m always saying "I better not, my parents would disapprove." I think I’m the only 20 year old person, even farther … MALE that still says that. I care what my parents say to and of me, and I also hold highly their opinions but this however I feel was a little over exagerrated.

So I got chewed out. I have a perfect case for my side however I’d rather not clarify unless push comes to shove. I’m sure things that could be said here and now could be very affecting either way. So anyways …. *sigh*

that’s about it. Not much.

I’m trying to get my act together though. I want to fulfill my new years resolution however it’s virtually impossible. I never tell anybody to stop their habbits, drinking, smoking, drugs, porn addiction etc … primarily becuase I have one myself and I know first hand how hard it is to stop.

For the past 15 years of my life january first of each month I’ve told myself I’d stop chewing my nails. 15 years later, nasty tasting nailpolish later, nail biting stopping kits, hypnosis and whacks on the head every time I’m tempted to chew on them, I’m still biting them … chewing them to the point where sometimes they bleed. I do have however the most softest touch by a male known to man … errr woman rather.

I don’t know, all in all I just want to relax. Have fun, enjoy life. I havn’t done so in the past year and well … I figure now is as good of time as any to start.

So until I start having fun, relaxing and enjoying life.

take care,
- theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 11:46 PM 0 comments

Thursday, December 30, 2004
Time after time
Time after time I’ve sat here with a pretty lengthly journal entry. In my mind anyways. So much to say, so much to do and yet when I sit down and type my thoughts, blank. Blank is really the only word I can come up with that describes my thoughts.

Perhaps right now, today is a good of time as as any. I’m in MY room, not the room I grew up in but nonethe less it’s MY room. It feels weird returning home. I’ve been here for a week now and it feels like I havn’t been away from my family at all. Nothing has changed wich is awesome. My parents still love their doggies, their children and of course movies Nothing has changed and it feels good to be somewhere where I fit in. Would I ever move back home and move in with my parents? Debatable very debatable and right now is not the time to even concieve of such notions however it does feel good to be home. I miss my doggies.

Max is huge. He’s weighing in at a good 100+ lbs. He’s as cuddly and loveable as ever and boy does he love to fetch his ball. 24/7 it seems. Lexi, she wasn’t feeling too well for a few days. Had me worried but I think it was just the excitement that got to her. All is well now and I can’t beileve how much I missed them. I think I’m attached now.

Christmas was awesome. We all exchanged gifts. I got some cologne, a corvette book(the history of) which is fantastic, shoes, clothes, more clothes, a corvette calander, a care package, MOVIES, the quadrilogy of aliens, a electric orginizer/dayplanner but most of all and coolest I got an R/C airplane. Made out of styrophone and two engines it’s the neatest thing ever and was so funny to fly. My father bought one for me and himself and yesterday we took them for a spin. By the time we finished we were scratching our heads. We lost a propeller and for those who know ANYTHING about flight a propeller is a prop job is probably the most important piece. Missing landing gear, no problem, just go for a belly dive, missing the rear stabalizer, you can jerry rig one with carboard but a propeller? Can’t fix that.

As for the food. I think I’ve gained 10 pounds. Easily. Ive been eating 3 times a day and each meal has been completly filling. My grandmother is a phenominal cook and of course the only double things we’ve eaten is leftovers. It used to be chicken, rice, potatoes and green beans, 101 combinations and if you don’t believe me ask my mom.

I think I am looking forward to going back to denver. Going back and seeing my babe betsie. Looking forward to playing on my computer. Watching movies with my roomies. Just … just being home. It’ll be nice. I definetly don’t want my time with my family to run short, it’s been a nice two weeks and it’s sadly coming to a close. Perhaps I can do this again in the future. Spend this much time here. It’s not every year you get to spend christmas with your family and the past two years for me have shown me that. Working and all … I’m glad I can finally take advantage of the situation for once.

Things are finally starting to look up. I can’t type much here at home though. I HATE my parents keeboard. I have to press incredibly hard with each key and beg it’ll press properly. I can’t type the way I want to and it does a good job at surpressing my writing. I can’t explain how I type. Somewhat half closing my eyes, half unconsiously typing. It’s weird. Whatever it is I can’t type and I apologise I need to get going now. Either I’ll post again before I leave or when I return. I havn’t decieded yet.

Happy new years everybody
kc

posted by theMayor @ 10:48 AM 0 comments

Friday, December 24, 2004
Merry X-Mas
So I’ve flown home for christmas. First time in 3 years have I not only had to work, BUT also home too! My flights well smooth, well for the most part. I’m not a fan of hearing "Were sorry, we’ve overbooked." All is well that ends well and I’m at home. It feels so good to be back, even if it’s only for a week or two.

Sad to say that the horrible snowy weather of Denver followed me. It was 15 degrees out and for those that don’t know, it WAS warmer in Denver then it is here. Apparently the day previous to my arrival it was 75+ degrees. Go figure.

My puppies are doing swell. Maximus is still awesome, smart and pretty funny. Pretty rambuncious and of course he makes for an AWESOME pillow! He’s good at it too! My lexi loo is doing ok too. She was happy to see me I could tell. Today though was diffrent, I’m hoping she was sick from the excitement but she’s not the same lexi loo I’ve come to love. She’s sick and it’s ever so apparent. Hopefully tommorow(today actually) she’ll be better.

My grandparents are in. They too have had come to Texas in hopes of diminishing the snow from their thoughts from New York. No luck.

So all is well .. I’m tired, tommorow is christmas and I figured I’d write seeing as I’ve been lacking. More on that in a bit.

take care all,
Merry Christmas!
-theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I’ll admit it
TLC describes guys like me a "Scrub". I’ll at admit, I’m a scrub. I would like to point out that I do not hang out of the passanger side of my best friends ride, live at home with momma however I know I can approach them although they think they look like class and I am NOT trash. *gets off soapbox*

TLC by the way is a musical group and not the channel for those that are not familiar with the song I’m talking about. I only say that because with my experience with society I realise there are huge rocks Americans live under, well any country for that matter.

So here I am writing. I just finished watching I-Robots with Big Willie. It was a fantastic movie, although it reminded me somewhat of deja vou. I don’t know why it just did, I brought flashbacks of terminator, bicentenial man and independance day.

Anywho .. not alot happening here. I am going home for Christmas which I’m stoked/not stoked about. I just don’t like flying and it’s so stinkin expensive. That money I feel could be used elsewhere but I would like to go home for Christmas. That would be nice. Actually eat a real meal. I should be going now. Take care all.

-theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 4:25 PM 1 comments

Saturday, December 11, 2004
Good thing?
I apologize for not writing any sooner. Blogging to me has become an addiction and the only thing you can combat an addiction with is well … another addiction. So I’ve been in my own little world latley, and actually it’s not even mine. World of Warcraft. It’s a video game that consumes every spare ounce of my free time. Me playing video games? No .. go on. It’s true. I’ve officially played this game longer than ANY other game I’ve ever played. Video games bore me, but for some reason the amount of detail in this game is phenominal and very much addicting. Much to me like my journal. Obviously taking a look around it wouldn’t seem that way but what is a boy to do? My old highschool deleted everything, or at least they are not letting me access it anymore so it’s all gone. Good thing or a bad thing?

That I havn’t come to the conclusion of yet. I can either sit here and pout and say goodbye memories. And yes, goodbye becuase I have no memory at all. Funny becuase when I was a kid my memory is as sharp as an axe but with so much developing in life it’s something I havn’t focused on. So to continue … a good thing or a bad thing? Option A was to sit and pout OR option B is to laugh, get over and say hey, new time to start a new chapter in my life. Forget everything that’s happened and start anew. Sounds like a plan and perhaps I can implement it. HA, how many times have you heard me say that one?

So … what else is new. Nothing much. I’m pinching pennies. Also a good thing bad thing situation. I actually enjoy not having a job. LOL, ok who doesn’t? But nonethe less the stress of me not finding a job has diminished. I have a plan.

Get my check for my profit sharing which will last a whole month
That month will give enough time to get income tax back.
Simple enough? I hope so ….

My life is boring. My life is great and although unemployed, scrapping to get by it’s awesome. I’ve drank 50x’s more water in the past month then I have the entire time I’ve lived here and it actually helps on the skin. I feel … reguvinated. Perhaps I can continue this. We’ll see.

*raises glass of water in hopes of a mutual toast*

Here’s to a new chapter. Here’s for a better tommorow. Here’s for the rest of my life.

Peace, I’m outta here

posted by theMayor @ 1:35 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Do’s and don’ts
So here we are. The "blog time" states it to be 9:45pm but that’s wrong. I’ve been just sitting here. Staring at my monitor this entire time. Nothing really in particular. Ok ok .. so that was a lie. I’m just paranoid. But then I’m not. I think I may have a job working for fed ex for temps sake however that’s uncertain. I go in on friday to fill out applications and such. Well, me and my roomate are going to anways. I figure physically it’s going to kick my butt but I think that it’ll be good. If I feel like I look good then myabe I can get more confidance in myself which would be a plus. Also another big plus is it’s part time which would be perfect. School right now is kicking my butt and I need to concentrate on classes and such. I want to be able to have a game I can bring around to employers and actually show them the work that I am capable, not just have them hear about it from me. I’m afraid of "stretching" the truth of my true mental capabilities.

I’m worried though. This is a last ditch job. Every other job I’ve applied for I have gotten just couldn’t do it becuase of the 8-5pm garbage. This one is going to be a physical labor type job and lets face it. I’m a toothpick and toothpicks can only pick up other toothpick and not monitors and such. Also … it’s only part time. It pays the same as my last job but half the hours. Again it’s nice but I don’t know how my parents are going to take to it. Ideally I would like to hear "kc, you’ve worked your ass off the last 2 years, now that school is getting rough, take a break, pay the bills on your end and don’t worry about the rest." HA, I don’t think that’ll happen but here’s to dreaming. *raises a glass of water*

Cheers.

Like I said, here is to dreaming. Maybe I can get a job on the weekends too? That would be cool. I don’t know though, i’m so tired, I’m so stressed and just overall burned out.

My agenda for tommorow is just to wait. Wait until Friday so I can apply. For some reason they don’t allow applications to be processed except on Monday and Friday. So I’ll wait … get things done.

I need to do a few things. I need to deposit my last check, well … one of the last checks from Echostar. I also need to clean the back of my car out COMPLETLY and not do it halfway like I usually do. I also need to clean my room AGAIN, it’s a mess. Finish working on my fishtank. For some reason the other night I unplugged everything in my sleep! I remember doing it, I remember trying to plug everything back in but I was so tired I just said "forget it." Thankfully I wake up daily at 8am sharp still. I havn’t let unemployment get the best of me. Anywho … my fish were almost dead but I plugged everything back in but since then my filter hasn’t been working right.

So the do’s and dont’s. That’s the subject so I figure I’ll actually talk about it this time. I find myself having the perfect subject of my day. Something that would categorize my day but more often times then not I don’t follow through with it and end up rambling about other garbage much like right now. So we have the do’s and don’ts. Primarily the do’s and don’ts of being poor.

..1
Do not for any circumstance buy the cheap razors. Buy the good stuff. Reason being. After the first two minutes of shaving you realise how crappy they are, then end up buying the good stuff anyways and therfore wasting the money on the cheap, no good, rather shave with a soft rock razor.

..2
Squeeze Mayonnaise. Lets face it, when your rich or even well of you don’t eat turkey sandwhiches daily, monthly or yearly. It’s actually never. So to save yourself alot of time on dishes buy the squeeze stuff. Not only is it actually pretty good taste wise, it’s also dishless. So spend the extra .25$ it may save you quite a bit of money on the water used for the dishes!

..3
While we are on the topic of sandwhiches, turkey or summer sausage, my favorite, lets talk about cheese. One can never have enough cheese so when asking yourself if you need the 500 pack or the 10 pack, the choice is simple. The 500 pack. Not only does it satisfy your needs with your tastebuds, it’s actually true that products sold in wholesale are cheaper!

..4
Unleaded gas over the good ole premium. It’s only what, 3-5 bucks diffrence between fillups in your gas tank and yet do that three or four times and it could add up. I bought premium all the time becuase it made me "sleep better at night" but thats all it did. It didn’t improve gas mileage for me, It didn’t feel like it was doing anything but helping me sleep.

..5
Ditch all of your friends. You heard right … your friends have a highly effective tactic for you to buy objects which you’d like to have called "peer pressure" It’s a tough one and usually not able to be "overcome" Which is why you should get rid of them for the time being. Heck, get rid of your cell phone! Awesome .. .even more ways to save money.

That’s all I have for today. I’m tired. Drousy and just rambling and tommorow when I will read this I’ll laugh and think you know what your right … however I won’t even use my own advice.

Well I should be going, I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done tonight and also early tommorow. Alot of it honestly are personal things however things that mean alot to me. I want to finish my ozweegoville. I want to take more photos and look through my thousands of pictures. I want to be able to snap some photographs of Denver’s beautiful November sky. I want to take pictures of the half dead flowers, the ones who are trying to hold on every last bit of summer possible. Trying to hold on every last minute, no … second of life. Much like myself.

Until tommorow
-theMayor

posted by theMayor @ 9:45 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 30, 2004
My name is
My name is .. what? My name is … who?

Yea yea yea … you know the rest. Anywho, today was a half-decent day. I learned alot today, not only about myself but of my future and what I want to become and what I don’t want to become. First and formost I think it’s safe to say that I do NOT want to have any kids, a wife. Perhaps a dog, but that’s a maybe. I’m sure this is what all 20 year old males say but I think I can honestly say that I do not incoorperate females, kids or pets into my future. Well .. I lied, definetly fish, maybe a dog.

Of course as we all know in this horribly thought out game of life things can change momentarily. Moment to

10:09 PM – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Shibbidy Shibbidy SWAG
Current mood: blank

SWAG for those that don’t know is a Scientific Wild Ass Guess(SWAG).

Anyways, a few months ago a friend of mine from highschool gave me this link to this website. I didn’t think twice of it, nor did I even bother setting anything up properly purley for the simple fact I didn’t think it would be worthwhile. Besides, my domain over at www.ozweegoville.com would suffice as my blogging entries. However times have changed, and within this time so have I. My highschool days are long gone for over 3 years now and I think they’ve finally removed me completly from their web hosting services and my website is no more. I don’t have the ideas, I don’t have the inspiration, I don’t have the time to continue on with my beloved ozweegoville. So here I am ….

Converting.

So here we are. This is my world. This is my space.

So today? What’s happened today, not much. I had to work today. This makes for 14 days straight of work and school. I know all about this, work and school is no stranger to me nor is it something I’ve grown to like. I hate it. Ok ok … hate is such a strong word. I dislike it. On the same hand I love it! I love staying busy, I love working with such cool people. Everything just seems to fall together. "The universe unfolds as it should". I’ve posted this saying before but it’s so true. On top of that true saying … that was a great movie. Don’t know which movie I’m talking about? Go rent it … Harry and Kumar go to white castle.

So I’ve got rather odd situation. It’s so hot here that I’ve been sleeping with minimal clothes as possible. Last night I left my window and blinds open hoping that the sunshine would wake me up bright and early. Well the sunshine didn’t wake me up bright and early however it did make me …. welll … it made me bright. I didnt’ realise this until I hopped into a steamy hot shower and OUCH. I immediatly dove out! I looked at myself in the mirror, sopping wet and realised that I was burned from head to toe. So … the moral of my story is do not sleep in your boxers with your window open and if you do close your blinds

So I figure I should leave now. Hopefully I can get back into the normal swing of things.

peace

-kc

Oh what a night!
Current mood: silly

Oh, what a night.
Late December back in ’63.
What a very special time for me,
‘Cause I remember what a night.

Oh, what a night.
You know, I didn’t even know her name,
But I was never gonna be the same.
What a lady. What a night.

Oh, I. I got a funny feeling when she walked
In the room and I,
As I recall it ended much too soon.

Oh, what a night,
Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me.
She was everything I dreamed she’d be.
Sweet surrender, what a night!

I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinnin’ my head around and taking my body under.
Oh, what a night!

Oh, I. I got a funny feeling when she walked
In the room and I,
As I recall it ended much too soon.

Oh, what a night.
Why’d it take so long to see the light?
Seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right.
What a lady, what a night!

I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinnin’ my head around and taking my body under.
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
Oh, what a night!
(Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do.)
-Frankie Valli ~ Oh what a night!
==================================================

For some reason this song popped into my head. I mentioned oh what a night in one of my previous posts and didn’t even realise it until I re-read over it. I figured with today’s news it would be fitting. Besides … it was a decent song back in the day and it’s catchy even right here and now.

So my bud is coming over this weekend. HOpefully we can hot tub it up. It’s usually an intresting time when the boys are in the hot tub. Usually we BS for so long that our fingers prune twice! That does suck .. pruuning(sp?). I like the hot tub though … good times good times. We usually go when we need to relieve stress or when it’s snowing out. ONe of the two. I got some video footage of my roomate jumping into fridgid waters with a good 4-6 inches of snow on the ground. Perhaps next time we can convience him to do snow angels!

*spits* I’m sorry … did I just say snow. no, I didn’t just say snow… I said it twice! Dang … I hate snow *coughs* that wicked white stuff. 90 degree weather, sunroof’s open, music blaring, windows rolled down with the A/C cranked ROFL, that’s the summers I like best. I only say with the A/C cranked and my windows rolled down because my mother and I talked and she knows me far to well. She guessed that that’s something I would do, but that’s something I do unintentionally. It’s habbit.

So I’ve come across 2 facts today. Well … actually 3. First and foremost I’m attracted to all the wrong ladies. Fact: ladies I’m attracted to I shouldn’t be. Yea, either they are the party types, or they are in love with alcohol. I loooooooooooove the partiers however I hate them at the same time. They are everything I want minus the party beast inside them. I can live without it. Not good. Second fact. Fact: If I leave my sunroof open it will rain. This has been proven on more than one occassion and it goes without saying. Third fact. Fact: If I cannot find my keys it’s because they are locked inside my car. This also has happened on more than one ocassion. Today my situation was ok though. I couldn’t find my keys. I go out to my car and my sunroof is open(this is when I realised I couldn’t find my keys). My keys are on my seat, luckily for me though my sunroof was open. However it’s raining outside …. lol … yea, see how fact ..2 and ..3 work well with each other? Fact one … well that is just out there and I’ve yet to come up with any testing thatwill prove me otherwise.

So anywayz, g0tta jet for work.
Maybe I’ll post some more tonight, we’ll see how it goes, I got a stupid physcis paper due on friday. Bah!

-kc

1:32 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Pardon me while I burst
Current mood: chipper

Pardon me while I burst…..

A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
At twenty three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me. But I
guess that it comes with the territory; an
ominous landscape of
never ending calamity
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have
had all I can take and
exploding seems like a definite possibility
to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world, and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me…Don’t ever be the same.

Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a
guy
fried up above his knees
I said, "I can relate," cause’ lately I’ve been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from
the burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity hypocrisy and the perils of being in 3-D…
But thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me…Don’t ever be the same.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, Pardon me, Pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me… Don’t ever be the same.
===================================================

So yesterday was decent. I suppose …. I did go to school which didn’t help me much. I am still pretty much deaf. I can hear mufffled voices and of course you’d either sound like C3PO or even C3PO underwater. Today is a little diffrent. After a little cleaning of the ears I got about 50% audio back in my left ear and as usual my left is still fubar’d. So … it goes without saying yesterday I took the day off. I’m really glad I did. I took a nap, a really long one at that! It was like 5 hours .. then I played a video game or two then I went back to bed! It was a good night to say the least. No pain. No pain. I can’t hear still but at least I can sleep with No pain. No pain. It’s pretty nice and really all I can ask for at this point seeing as it’s been not even two full days.

So I’m on this drug called codeine. My doc told me it would take a couple doses to get "used of it". Haha, boy was she right. I took it and by about 8:00 oclock at night I don’t really remember much. From what my roomates and friends told me I was singing lyrics to old 80′s music before they were sung. Oh what a night!

Yesterday(and I’ll probably do the same today) was gorgeous out! We went swimming and after I came back I surfed the net for a bit, after doing that I went out and read a book on my patio. I also downloaded the audio book which is awesome! If that sounds weird reading a book WHILE listening to the tape, give it a shot. I liked it. It’s a pretty good and funny book so far. We’ll see …

I’m gonna jet.
take care all,
-kc

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Sunday, May 08, 2005

Like dust in the wind
Current mood: flirty

I can’t describe today. It was horrible/amazing all in one fell swoop. When I woke up this morning I couldn’t open my eyes. They were sealed shut! I literally stumbled out of bed, searc hed for the nobs and got into a freezing cold shower just so I could open them.

I’m so sick. Dayquil, Nyquil, asprin, tylenal you name it I’ve done it. None of these have done ANYTHING for me. So my delemma. I hate hospitals, god how do I hate them. So to make a long story short … I decieded to be a man, yes … be a man and go to the damn doctors office. This was a tad bit diffrent, no hospital but I did get a little apprehensive when they showed me to my room.

The bed. That stupid little 1.5ft across bed which is super cold. They load it up with that single ply paper crap and where they do 99f their poking and prodding. I think that’s why I hate doctor’s offices/hopsitals so much, it’s that stupid chair. Anyways, I’m onlike 10 diffrent medications for pain, infection, my eyeballs and what have you. We’ll see how it goes. It wasn’t as expensive as I thought which is good, but it only postpones my time of getting an ipod mini. oh well .. one day I imagine.

Positive thing is I can already tell quite a huge diffrence. At least with the pain killer. This has been awesome so far … I went out to eat to celebrate my pain. I also bought a book. The hitchikers guide to the galaxy. Also included was douglas adams 4 extra books in the series. Awesome!

My buddy let me borrow his EverQuest account. I’m going to stop WoW for a bit and try it out. Hopefully I don’t get addicted … but if I do … that’s ok too

Take care all,
-kc

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Saturday, May 07, 2005

And so it begins ….
Current mood: determined

Life is very bizarre.
Life is very ironic.
Life can be happy and it can be sad.
Life can be full of diappointments and accomplishments.
Life has a way of making the rich richer and the poor poorer.
Life changes the way people think and react to certain sutations.
Life contains boundless joys and endless sorrows.
Life can teach one how to endure pain for the miles ahead.
Life can open your eyes to the wonders around us.
Life … well lets face it, life can be a bitch at times.
Life has it’s moments which are unforgettable, unbelievable and so incredible.
Life is the only thing that can teach you that life is a motherfucker(that or old school)

I only say all of this becuase with everything that I’ve seen in 20.5 years of existance every single day something new truly amazes me. For example … not even two days ago did I know that an ear infection could have been caused by a scratch.

Yesterday I didn’t know that heat and peroxide(1 part peroxide and 1 part water) can help ellivate the pain of an ear infection.

Today I realised that 1 out of every 10 cases an ear infection will actually move over to the next ear. Lucky me …. I’m that 1. If I was as lucky as I am with catching rare ailments as I was with women, I might be on the same playing field with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Wow those guys are lucky … rich, the ladies just flock to them when they smile. So lucky.

So if you havn’t got on already I’ve now got both my ears with infections, the likes of a sore throat and a little cough. I guess it’s not so bad. Aside from the fact that everything is muffled and a little pain here an there I can actually see the positives that can come out of this. Obviously … some negatives.

If things don’t clear up within the next say week I’ll definetly go see a doctor. Right now though I’m going to enjoy the solitude that being deaf has to bring me. Yes, I did say enjoy. It doesn’t hurt right now … and I think if I keep taking pain killers and staying atop of it I’ll do fine. I’m also going to take a really long hot shower tonight to ellivate some of the pressure. I’ve been able to think for once which is nice. I have tons of stuff to think of. I’ve got so much drama going on in my life right now. Well even then it’s only a little but I hate drama so it’s quite a bit to me.

I’ve got my roomates girlfriend. I’ve got 2 jobs and school to think about. Primarily a physics related paper that I need to whip up, a physics test that is takehome however these are nightmarish tests. I’ve also got a few things I’d like to do. Clean out my car, do some laundry and what have you. I did manage to clean my room AND my fishtank today which is shibby. Anyways, back to what’s on my mind. Of course, ladies. Actually … the lack there of. So many options and I know if I asked they’d say yes if even for a date but it’s that hump I just can’t seem to get over. Is my hair not blonde enough you think? Are my eyes not blue enough? Teach not white enough … bank account not big enough. *sighs*

I’m tired. I’m losing my voice. I have a feeling I’m going to have a long long night tonight.

I just recieved some encouraging news from my roomate that he too had an ear infection in both his ears at one point in time and his didn’t last too too long so I have high optomistic hopes of the same outcome.

We also watched a few clips from startchky and hutch(sp?). Why? Two reasons. First … there is a good band called "the dan band" that has a little part in both Old school and startky and hutch. The part in old school is when he they are at the wedding at the begginning and the wedding singer sings "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified by seeing the fucking look in your eyes" and everybody just stares in disbelief. It was halarious! Aslo in the hutch movie his band sings "Feel like making love to you" to a 13 year old at her bat mitzvah. ROFL. It’s halarious … anyways they sing really really good and I’m really impressed The second reason why of course is none other than for the pure presence of carmen electra AND … let me repeat this … AND Amy Smart. Not only do they have a very hot kissing scene but Owen Wilson jumps in on it as well. He is probably one of the luckiest man alive …. seriously.

Anyways …. like I said. ladies are definetly on my mind. I found this quote to be quite humerous and I thought I’d share with the rest of the world who hasn’t seen Old School.

"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend… "

ROFL. Good stuff …. night all. Pray or do whatever you do for me please
-kc

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Friday, May 06, 2005

Bah humbug

Aside from the constant ringing in my ear, these awesome ritz flavored chips and my 4 wick candle smelling awesome, nothing really has changed since yesterday. Oh, did I mention my ear is still ringing?

-kc

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

Speak up!
Current mood: numb

Speak up dammit!

That’s what I’ve been thinking to myself all friggin day when people have been screaming and yelling just to talk with me. Why you ask? This stupid ear infection has literally brought me to my knees. Seriously. If it means being deaf so be it, cut the stupid thing off, bore it out with a dirty diesease infested drill bit for I care, I’d rather be deaf a whole stinkin night of this GOD FORSAKEN ringing in my ear. Jesus … it’s so annoying. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Alright already! This has to be chinease torture and for those that have victims(I mean prisoners) locked in their basements the worst thing you could do is scratch their inner ear. Scratch, not even hard, just a simple pick an itch scratch and voila, instant ear infection.

That’s the only thing I did yesterday when I created my instant ear infection. Lame part is I didn’t even have to add water.

So let me tell you my night last night of course It’s about 8:45 and I get an itch in my ear. A little … I can live without scratching it type of an itch but what do I do? I itch it. Heck, why not … no harm in scratching a tiny little itch that I could have simpley ignored, hit my head on the wall a few times go away sort of an itch. But no, I itch it. Stupid me. Have I mentioned I itched it? *sighs*

On the way home I’m totally ticked becuase my Nuggets lost the stinkin game. *sighs* oh well .. I’ll live after a few days of theorpy, no harm no foul.

I get home and my ear is just, WOW, BLOODY HELL, WOW, inflamed. Like I took a match and threw it in my ear inflamed. Then the pain comes. Bring it I say like HEMAN the conquorer of the universe! *pounds on chest and starts to flex* 5 Minutes later I’m on the verge of jumping out my window. I can’t take it. Am I stupid? It hurts like heck and it’s only getting worse. How you ask? I am stupid. Let me explain.

My roomates said their parients when they were kids would give them shots of vodka(tiny amount) to relieve pain. So I get this bright idea given the non-regular drinker that I am that I’ll drink enough to put me to sleep. So now I’m in bed … trying to sleep, I can’t hear myself screaming bloody murder because now I am deaf AND in pain. 1 hour passes … 2 hours pass …. and I look up and it’s only Midnight. I’m in bed at midnight? Yea, you know I’m in pain. 2 more hours pass and I say to myself, a nice hot shower will do the trick. Buzzed Lightyears ahead of mr buzz lightyear himself I stumble into the shower. I took an hour shower on my hands and knees in pain and of course … well I couldn’t keep my balance if my life depended on it given my condition, I just sit. If I remember right I was thinking if things could get any worse … lol … they do, they always do. It’s murphy’s law. What can go wrong will go wrong. I crawl into bed, I can’t find my shirt …. screw it. I’ll take the sunburn. It’ll keep my mind off my ear. I climb into bed and I just stare at the ceiling. Thinking about things of the past, trying my HARDEST to fall asleep. The buzz in my body and ear are preventing me from it. 6 oclock rolls around and by some miracle I fall asleep.

I wake up. I’m in this weird fetal position. My neck is killing me, my leg has lost all blood flow for the past 6 hours and is purple. Great …. I can’t turn my neck to say my final goodbyes to a leg that’s going to need to be amputated, my pillow is dirty. Apparently every drop of water that went into the shower came out my ear over my 6 hour nap was dumped on my pillow and I’m stinkin hot because it’s a billon degrees outside and my bed is next to the window.

I can’t hear anything. No birds chirping. No love making from downstairs. No love making coming from the cats. Nothing. Silence is golden and on top of that no pain baby! Whoooooooooooooooowhoooooooooo I’m cured! I wish … this is just the beginning of my recovery. The cornfields growing in my ears have sprouted and needs to be harvested but aside from that I’m doing schwell.

The bloody ringing in my ear is still present but no pain. Hopefully tonight I can sleep. Hopefully tonight I can dream of having my ears ripped off.

Hopefuly tonight I can be sane again.

-kc

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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

What a day

I’m going to keep it brief. I’m pretty tired. I’m pretty hungry. I’ve got a massive migraine/headache and my ear is killing me.

This sucks … I hate feeling like this and it doesn’t help either the Nuggets lost. Yea the nuggets lost. That about sums up my day.

-peace

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My last resort
Current mood: aggravated

Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might
Mutilation out of sight and I’m contemplating suicide
Cause I’m losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright, nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Cause I’m losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright, nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way
~Papa Roach
==================================================

So i’m sitting here at work. Not alot is happening right now. I’m really glad actually. Today has been a nightmare. I think the only thing that’s gone right at work today was the fact I was able to badge in properly.

So I figure I’ll be quick becuase … well … none of this is going to make sense to the daily user anyways. My passwords to log onto my system were in my system email. Mind you I can’t access these passwords because they are in my email which is required to have access to the system. *oh no now I’ve gone crosseyed*. My other passwords were like adklfja;dfj;aosdifj;asdfal;sdfasl;dfkjasl;dfkj;alsdkfj;asldfkjasl;dfa and they expect me to remember that? Whatever. So I change them. Now instead of fifty passwords I have 15. All diffrent …. all completly diffrent. *sighs* Next set of problems, I’m helping people out and the websites I have access … *POOF* disappear. They don’t like my newly created passwords. So I’m freakin out … I go to change the passwords but it wants me to answer a question that I’ve never been given before. *sigh ..2* So I bum somebody elses which is perfectly fine they say and continue on my mary way. Only to realise that I’ve been helping people I shouldn’t have. Basically they’ve trained me to fix Mitsubishi branded cars however they keep sending me greyhound busses. *sighs ..3* And now I’ve learned the wrong SPLIT they put me on closses at 6:00pm. Awesome news finally! That means that after six oclock I don’t have to do ANYTHING until 9:00pm. Fine by me!

*sighs*

Oh well … so what’s new? Not much actually. Really bummed still over the Nuggest loss. It was such a great game and it would have been even a greater game had I been there in person. Oh well .. I don’t see the need to pay 100$ for a ticket when it’s covered on TNT for 12.99 a month via cable.

So I deposited my checks today, got my ears lowered. The lady was gorgeous. I know my list of things that my mother taught me is adding up but I’ve said this time and time again, NEVER let an attractive woman cut your hair! I however now know I was wrong. This lady was stunningly beautiful however she did an amazing job on my haircut. I gotta say two thumbs up for both beauty, personality and her profession. I look damn s3>
I’m pissed off at my roomates girlfriend too. I paid my rent normally but not for long, I can’t stand her and yet I’m being a nice guy and paying for a portion of her fair share. Not that I want to kick her out on the street(maybe, but as long as you have the time to be playing online video games you have the time to be working)

So yea … the only thing that ticks me off more is my friends not posting blogs … is friends who do not post comments! BAH TO YOU! Oh yea, another thing that ticks me off while I’m ranting anyways is women dating stupid guys, women who think they are better than the world, women who use the term "princess" and women … grrrr … how about women in general?

Na … just playing. I love you all

haha, maybe more tongiht … depends on my mood.

take care,
kc

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Monday, May 02, 2005

Yo Junior!
Current mood: amused

What’s crackin dude? Anyways, here is the "Offical" Lance Armstrong(my man) livestrong bracelet!! Now … remember this baby is worth an ounce of gold!! Look on the internet to see how much an ounce of gold is worth!! That’s a test question!!
I’ll ask you next time we talk.

Did I hear right, Denver got SNOW!! Yikes!!

How’s the movement up the chain to (insert job here) regional disctrict vice executive president "what is change" mother f——!! Going? Ah well, got to go shake hands with the govener. Hope this makes it to you in the next month and not sent back!!

See ya
Love DAD
"My Posse"

===================================================

So today was a damn good day. School was rock on fantastic. Finished my math test that’s taken me the entire weekend. No homework AND tommorow I get to sleep in. What could be better you ask?

I got this letter from my dad. My dad is the greatest guy on the planet. When I was a kid he did some things that I didn’t approve of, mostly drank the coors factory straight from the brewery, blared journey at 3am when he was wasted but all in all he’s the greatest dad any guy could have. I mean seriously, I can tell him anything, he doesn’t get mad, he just lets me know what’s up, what he’s thinking and he doesn’t sugar coat it. I think that’s where I get my attitude from. I hold nothing back unless it’s mean and then I only hold it back if it’s minor. If it’s important I say what’s on my mind. Direct. That’s what I am and I owe it to my father.

Such a great guy. Anywho … it’s letter like these that I get from him often that crack me up. He tells me tails with Max and Lexie, about ghosts in our house and how much he hates cats.

Me too. I’m a dog lover. I can’t stand cats and their "I’m better than you" attitude. I think that’s why … hehe … I know why I hate women that have the same attitudes. They remind me of cats, and cats tend to scratch and scratch and scratch until there is nothing left but raw bone and they chew you up and spit you out.

I hate cats. Did I mention I hate cats?

I only bring it up becuase somebody once told me that they’ve never seen cats mate. In fact, the discovery/TLC/Animal Planet has never seen cats mate. BOGUS. I hear them all the stinking time scratching and clawing around. In fact I almost tripped coming out of my apartment complex becuase of the little buggers. 2 of them, doing their buisness right in the friggin walkway. Lame@ss’s. Get a hotel room. Heck … I’ll pay. Just leave. How embaressing would that be to trip over two heated animals in love? Would I be embaressed becuase I missed it or would they be embaressed because they were caught …. I wonder what those filthy buggers were thinking ….

Sorry, I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. George Carlin for all the slow people ….

So yea, i’m totally stoked. I got my livestrong braclet and now everything is peachy. I still have some stuff to straighten out in my life. Waaaaaaaay to much drama for my liking and I’m sure alot of people would much rather have mine then theirs however I hate it. Can’t stand it. Drama == BLEH.

So I think I’m going to go work tonight. Come home. Relax a bit, relax a little bit more and when I think I’m done relaxing perhaps I’ll relax a bit more. Then just hit the sack. Sounds like a plan ….

Shrek 2 is playing for a change and no music today

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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Your eyes tell a story
Current mood: peaceful

Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Recall the moments that once have
Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor
I wouldn’t ask this of you

Good eye, sniper
Here I’ll shoot, you run
The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn’t have
I’ll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all

Run quick, they’re behind us
Didn’t think we’d ever make it
This close to safety in one piece
Now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe

Save us from sleep and what we are

Good eye, sniper
Now I shoot, you run
The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn’t have
I’ll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all

Bye bye beautiful
Don’t bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they’re calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn’t have
I’ll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know

Bye bye beautiful
Don’t bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they’re calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

Bye bye beautiful
Don’t bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they’re calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.
~Coheed and Cambria – A favor house atlantic
===================================================

So what is it with womens eyes that leave me breathless? I have no idea … today though I couldn’t even speak. A lady about 20 years old came into OfficeMax today and stared me right in the eyes and I couldn’t even turn away. Usually I get really shy and look at the ground when attractive women talks to me, even if it’s my job to talk back which it is. I don’t know. I need to get my shit together. Finding a women who is perfect for me shouldn’t be to hard should it? I seriously don’t know what it is but I can honestly say that’s one of the few things that sticks out first.

So not alot has happened today. Pretty boring and my livestrong bracelets havn’t come in yet and even though I wear a watch 24/7 I still feel naked without my braclet. Call me girlie, call me unmanly but I don’t care. I’m just so happy that a guy like Lance Armstrong came up with the idea(or somebody around him). He deserves every positive thing that comes to him.

The other night at work we were talking about life how how things were diffrent for us today then they were when we were in highschool. How true is this. I’ve been out of highschool only for a limited amount of time but I would like to think I would be a little diffrent. My sophmore year I was pretty stupid. My junior and senior years I mellowed out to the point where I was boring and to myself and now look at me. Boring and to myself. There is nothing wrong with that but if I had the chance to go back again I’d change a few things. I wouldn’t have been the quiet guy in the back of the class waiting and yearning to go home, close my door and hammer away at the keyboard. Wether it was video games, typing or trying to learn new programming languages. Ok ok … what am I talking about. I don’t know if I’ll ever change.

I like being by myself for the most part. I like knowing the safety of my warm comfortable desk chair and my own safe bed. Nobody can taint any of this only if I let them and with my door closed to the outside world. It won’t be.

I really need to clean my fishtank. I really need to get my math test done. I really need … I really need a change.

-peace
kc

Sunday, June 12, 2005

No cake for you.
Current mood: amused

With this roller coaster I usually tend to avoid calling my life, it’s no wonder why I know for a fact god exists but refuses to throw me a bone! And please … try not to give me the "everthing happens for a reason". I know it does.

So yesterday I left for work early so I can eat something. Fair enough right? /sigh so here we go with my little daily rant. Wow, before I begin, some of you are probably going to think I’m a real pessimistic person. So to clarify. I AM.

So I leave early for work to go to McDonalds and get one of their tasty breakfeast meals. Unfortunatly for me everything went to heck in a handbasket rather quickly. I was speeding …. *GASP* yes me speeding. This lady is driving even worse than I and cut me off! Being the average person I am I start ranting and raving and just screaming so loud even over my music and shaking my fist! goddamn woman I say and about 1 second later I hear a loud flippin pop. As the woman was driving away a rock came out from her car, hit mywindshield and now I have this groovy great big huge gash in my bloody windshield. Ok, I said … god, you’ve proven your point and instead of tailgaiting I back off. I figure it’s a bad omen or god slapping me which is understandable. You know … I actually deserved that one.

So I’m just laughing to myself about how ironic how goddamn can lead to a gashed windshield. Then I look down and my bloody service engine light comes on. I’m flipping out, my roomate just had that problem and now his car no longer works! So I’m flipping out! Not my betsie! I just sat back and sighed, not my betsie either. So I get to work and I’m just in so much stress I don’t eat. I’m running around the engine compartment like a chicken with my head cut off. Looking … just searching for something that was fixeable but nothing was found. /sigh.

I was going to put in my two weeks of work that day too. Once I got there I was so frustrated with the previous events I decieded not to. It would definetly not be a good day to put in a two weeks given how my day was going so I decieded I would come home and just think.

Needless to say it was a long day for me. At work I didn’t get to eat anything and well eating once a day and eating only breakfeast the day before doesn’t help me really either.

So there you have it ….. Your probably wondering what’s this no cake for you crap in the subject line.

I’ll explain. I know what I’m doing is stupid for my own health but I can’t resist. I need somewhere to vent and just to let loose. Obviously here isn’t the right place but I figure it’s a start. I don’t want to talk about it with anybody else becuase I know I’m stupid and definetly smarter than this but I have a plan. It’s about that lady from work. We’ve had a couple weeks worth of amazing dates. If you can stay up all night talking and holding each other and not missing a beat, it’s a good sign. It’s an even better sign when she doesn’t want to leave and it takes her 5 hours to finally gain enough motivation, if you will to leave. With every good situation there is an equal and opposite situation brewing in the background. Lets face it, it’s newton’s laws of situation. Because were dating it’s ok for her to hang out with other guys, which I have no problem with only if I know that she’d want to be with me at one point. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t really want to be with anybody seriously right now. She wants to wait things out to see what happens. *sees the booby trap that is laid and jumps over it*. Wait it out? Where have I heard this before? Basically what that means to me is she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Well I say No cake for you!

So here is my plan. Obviously I really like her and I know the feelings mutual. How I know? Just the way she is around me before … and the way she is around me know. It’s obvious. Or at least I’d like to hope it is. Or is this blinders that I have on to the world! Doubt it! Ok ok … so the plan. I’m going to give it 100% and pretend nothing is wrong for another week. Why you ask? Friday were all going bowling so that’ll be fun and I don’t want to be the only guy not with a lady of course Somebody once told me women want what they can’t have. Is that true? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we shall see my friend! Like I said, I’m going to keep going like I normally do this next week and then just be honest with her. "Hey look, I really like you and everytime I’m around you it’s driving me insane knowing you don’t want the same from me. You have my number, I’m always here for you … blah blah blah". It’s true though, I need to get out quick before I really do get hurt and she can’t blame me for that. Nobody can.

So yea, my plan. The reason I say I’m stupid is because if I was smart I would do that ASAP, but I want to get in some good quality time with her just so she can see what she’s missing and that way she will take a second look. And if she doesn’t … well than nobody gets hurt. Hopefully … that’s my idea anyways.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me once shame on me.

PEACE, I’m outta here ….
-kc

Currently listening:
American Idiot
By Green Day
Release date: By 21 September, 2004

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Thursday, June 09, 2005

WOWZORS!

So she came over last night. Everything at first went straight to hell. We missed the movie and didn’t even attempt to go. So she decieded that she wanted to watch "AnchorMan" over at my house. That’s fine but keep in mind I have 2 roomates I can’t stand when it comes to movies and women. First one roomate would be hanging around 24/7 and it woudln’t have made much of a date and the second is the type who would say every friggin line of the movie and after the first say 5 minutes you’d want to slap her. So this wasn’t going good at all! She gets an idea to watch it in my room.

*GASP*

Hehe, my room is a wreck. Why? I’m a male who enjoys doing other things than cleaning! LOL. So I run around my room like a chicken with my head cut off. My room went to a pigsty to palace in about 5 minutes flat! We set up my monitor and my tv stand and watched the first movie. Keep in mind I have to be up by 7am. It’s now 1:30am and anchorman finishes. It was a pretty flat date to say the least but then we watched Shrek 2. That’s when it went awesome. We just talked and talked and talked and somehow she ended up in my arms. We stayed up all night talking and never once did the conversation get flat. She’s so awesome. Only thing that scares me is the party beast inside her, but everybody’s right. It can only last for so long right? If it gets to out of control then I can always call the shots.

So the night ended on a kiss, hug and a statement that she wanted me to call her to take her out again. The morning rather. We stayed up until about 6 oclock just talking. Also I took her out for breakfeast at IHOPS. Came home and got ready for school.

Pretty damn shibby! I told her I’d take her for a walk around the park and we can talk some more. That’s a good sign that you can talk and talk and talk. I think it is anyways. I dunno. I’m not counting my chickens yet but definetly the night eneded a billon times better than I ever anticipated. I told her that I thought she was out of my league and she laughed at me and wondered what gave me that impression.

So yea, Saturday. I can’t wait! lol, I feel like I’m in the 5th grade again with this stupid giddy feeling but it’s cool. Even if it turns out bad I’ve learned quite a bit about the person I have in mind of being with. She is incredible, either way as a friend or something more.

I get home from school so dead tired. I slept for like an hour only to be woken up to call that was like DUDE I’M COMING OVER TO GO SWIMMING. /sigh. Go away dammit. I havn’t slept in like 30 hours! He shows up in his trunks and we end up going to the hottub, McDonalds and then to work.

Here I am now. Bobbing for apples. I should be waiting for tonight to type this out but it feels really good just to vent about myd ay. Today although I’m super duper tired was a damn good day. Lol, this is putting me to sleep …

G’Night All,
-kc

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Mr Jones and Me.
Current mood: nervous

I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She’s suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
So come dance this silence down through the morning
Cut up Maria!
Show me some of them Spanish dances
Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones
Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
I want to be someone who believes

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
Stare at the beautiful women
"She’s looking at you. Ah, no, no, she’s looking at me."
Smiling in the bright lights
Coming through in stereo
When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely

I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
Gray is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would buy myself a gray guitar and play

Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the beautiful women
"She’s looking at you.
Uh, I don’t think so. She’s looking at me."
Standing in the spotlight
I bought myself a gray guitar
When everybody loves me, I will never be lonely

I want to be a lion
Everybody wants to pass as cats
We all want to be big big stars, but we got different reasons for that
Believe in me because I don’t believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe

Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"She’s perfect for you, Man, there’s got to be somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
When everybody loves you, son, that’s just about as funky as you can be

Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
When I look at the television, I want to see me staring right back at me
We all want to be big stars, but we don’t know why and we don’t know how
But when everybody loves me, I’m going to be just about as happy as can be
Mr. Jones and me, we’re gonna be big stars….
Counting Crows ~ Mr Jones
====================================================

So this is a great song. Only the first part is good to sing. The rest .. well the rest is history. Actually the rest is good driving music. I really like this part …
<blockquote>
I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She’s suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
</blockquote>

Good stuff. Exactly what I was thinking.

So I’m at work, it’s pretty lame right now. I’m not really busy but then again that’s a good thing I would imagine. So I’m pretty nervous. I’m pretty hot right now too. I’m still burning up from my burn but it’s not like all severe like the ones I’ve had before. It’s almost like spicey mexican food that is really good but you can tell it’s somewhat stingy in the mouth. I’ve been putting on a ton of this green banana boat stuff. It’s smells really good and it’s so stinkin ice cold it’s not even funny! The lady that sold it to us at Target said she would recommend putting it in the fridge. HAHA @ |_| target lady! No way … that’s just stupid. I may be crazy ..but not stupid.

Hopefully I don’t look like a lobster tonight though. That would be pretty lame. Trying to woo a lady looking like a lobster really doesn’t help me out that much. It doesn’t help I need my A game so to speak to even talk to her. That’s what I feel anyways. Everybody tells me not to be so stupid but seriously she’s way out of my league. I don’t want to let myself down if I do end up getting shot down. That would be lame, not the end of the world but definetly a blow to my already low self-confidance. /sigh. I wish I could know what women are thinking. I’d really would pay to know. not even all the time, just some of the time. When they are around me .. what thoughts run through their minds. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who’s wanted that but still … what a super power eh?

So again, I’m pretty nervous. I’m usually not nervous, or as nervous as I am today. I kept thinking about tonight and I forgot my keys the first time out the door, my badge the second, and my newly burned cd the third time. hehe, I feel all giddy inside for once and it is a good feeling. Even if things do turn out negativly I wouldn’t mind. I am pretty proud of myself. I’ve actually been really positive and upbeat around her. I have to be … anything else would result in failure! Seriously .. you think you know, but you have no idea.

So tonight we are going to see a movie. That is if she still wants to, we havn’t talked since sunday or monday and of course there is still 2 or so hours to bail out if she wanted to. The good news is she didn’t reject me on the second outing. This other guy she went out with didn’t get a second chance apparently. She told him she had other things to do but I’m sure if he’s smart he would understand. I don’t want that though. I want somebody to say stop bloody calling me fool! Stop asking me out stupid! Something to give me a hint. I need it written down for verification for my own personal sake. I’m not good at taking hints when it comes to women. Probably because I"m blinded and nieve to them. Everything else I’m cosure.

So tonight we are going to a movie. My buddy is going with his girlfriend to the same showing so that would be cool if we ran into each other. That would elivate alot of the nervousness I have. Or it could make it worth. Lol, he’d be like dude she’s way out of your league man! lol .. no he’d probably say piece of cake mate

So yea … I’m incredibly nervous. Incredibly giddy. Incredibly burned from head down to my toes. ….

Have a good night guys and gals, wish me some luck, maybe I’ll post tonight.

-kc

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Sunday, June 05, 2005

So what’s next
Current mood: geeky

So what’s going to happen next?! *flips coin and checks for heads or tails* That’s what it’s been like latley it seems. I had a couple tests in some of my classes and the chapters in my books are extrmely boring. Even to a geek like myself there are only so many compiler books one can read before they just want to barf. My test though was a POP quiz. It was insane, I didn’t even have the stupid book and I wing’d it. I don’t think I did to hot but that class other than it’s few and far between surprises is going to be easy. It’s my augmentation class is going to be far fetched. Right now I have to pick out a video game and make it better.

I chose Amped 2. My roomate being a snowborder obviously has quite a bit to complain about the game which is good. I need to be able to make a report on this thing whenever I finish. The more I can nitpick and explain how I’d fix it and make it better the higher the grade I can get.

Now more than ever I need to get good grades. I’m almost done. I’m so bloody close it’s unbelievable. I’ve been telling myself that things are going to start flying by and I was right. It’s going so fast I can’t see straight.

So. I was at work the other night and of course that same girl was there like she always is. I got the gohonads to ask her out and she said yea so I was pretty stoked. She’s completly out of my league though. I can’t describe how far she is.. but believe you me, she is. She’s alot of fun to hang around, she’s intelligant, she’s gorgeous to boot. Only thing like I’ve mentioned before is the party beast inside her. I would imagine she’d grow out of it but who knows. Is that something I want to take a chance with? Dating a chick that likes to party is like setting my own booby trap. It’s like i know where I set the trap, I konow when it’s coming and I can avoid it completly however I run straight on into it. Nieve I am. I always thik that when it approches I can just jump across it, and I know it’ll explode in my face and I’ll get burned bad but every time I jump it and everytime the same prediciment happens. When I was a kid I only put my hand on the stove once before I learned my lesson, but with this party behavior of a beast it’s so diffrent. A part of me will gladly take the chance if the pro’s outweigh the cons. Most of the time the cons outweigh the pro but definetly with her, it’s quite the opposite.

LOL, I’m setting myself up for failure. She won’t call me back however I’m going to think that she will. At least for the first week. So will she? We’ll see … I hope so. I’d at least like to go out with her again, just to test the water and see how deep it can really get.

/sigh

It’s a strange world we live in. A very strange world.

So today I worked about 10 hours at the Ole Office max. it sucked. I am beginning to hate it more and more as each of the days passes. I went on a date which is why I think I’m still working there. Well, i’m working there also to save up for toys, but at the same time I want to save the money in case something fubard’ happens to me when I move out. I don’t want any expenses popping up that I dind’t plan on. Make sense? I’m literally typing this with my eyes closed becuase I’m so tired.

Why am I tired. All these people at work today bought like 100 pound desks and shit and I had to take them out for them. Speaking of which, I had a little old lady smack my butt today! It was crazy! She was all "thanks" and I was like WTF, rape little lady …. you can’t do that. I later found in my pants though she gave me two bucks. Which is cool .. but I felt like a man whore. It was really weird … I get hit on all the time by all the wrong people.

/sigh

So what will tommorow hold? Who knows … but it’s godamn nerve racking/exciting/encouraging that tommorow is a new day filled with new adventures.

Peace, I’m outta here ….

-kc

=================================================

GREEN DAY LYRICS

"Nice Guys Finish Last"

Nice guys finish last.
You’re running out of gas.
Your sympathy will get you left behind.
Sometimes you’re at your best, when you feel the worst.
Do you feel washed up, like piss going down the drain

Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I’m insane.
I’m so fucking happy I could cry.
Every joke can have its truth and now the joke’s on you.
I never knew you were such a funny guy.

Oh nice guys finish last, when you run out of gas.
Don’t pat yourself on the back you might break your spine.

Living on command.
You’re shaking lots of hands.
Kissing up and bleeding all your trust, taking what you need.
Bite the hand that feeds.
You lose your memory and you got no shame.

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Monday, May 30, 2005

This should be intresting
Current mood: working

So I’m at work like I usually am when I post. It feels weird today though. My office is empty. My computer left untouched …. there are only 10 people working today. Half of them in my office and I’m willing to bet the other half are somewhere across the ocean. I’m going to say to the east of me, but it doesn’t even matter … eventually if you keep going east you’d reach them sooner or later. It’s pretty neat how technology that my forefathers have helped pioneer and technology that me and my brothers will perfect can impact the lives of so many. It’s enough to get you thinking, and with how slow it is right now I’d imagine that’s not a bad idea. To think.

So much has happened this last week.

When it comes to my situation at home and my roomate with his girlfriend that just popped in out of nowhere, I feel like a dog that’s running around in circles chasing my own tail. On minute I’m calm, cool and relaxed … the next. Bouncing off the walls … jumping out of windows, drilling the negative thoughts out of my brain. Lucky for me though they’ve been gone this entire weekend. Apparently my roomate drove his girlfriend AGAIN 800+ miles or so .. heck, it could be farther than that for all I know. So let me rephrase that … my roomate drove across the country AGAIN for this woman. Last week or so it was so she could get fitted for her wedding and this week well, who cares right? Hopefully he’ll leave here there ….

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bitter towards a woman. HAHA. Ok, let me rephrase that .. I havn’t felt this bitter towards a woman in a long time. That sounds much better.

So many thoughts running through my head, both positive and negative equally. In regards to woman, roomates, school and just life in general. I think being the normal person I am that my life resembles a rollercoaster. There are times when I feel like I’m just sitting there, waiting, then the next second I’m going 0-60mph in 10 seconds flat. I go up, go down … shoot into corners and then I coast until I get back to where I began and it’s a pretty damn fun ride however I have to admit, sometimes I just want to get off and take a break. Look at my rollercoaster ride in a diffrent perspective.

So I was at work. I had a golden opportunity to get a phone number. In fact, she wanted to give it to me. What would I do? What would I say? She’s so out of my league. I declined. Yea I know, I can hear you sigh right now too. It’s ok though, I can see the party animal in her, the night she came over drunk with a coors in her hand. I think thats what went through my head when I she wanted to give me her number.

I couldn’t do it. Not knowing what I know now. I don’t think I can ever do it. Date a party animal. A beer here and there, ok. A party here and there, I’d like to stay away from. In fact, I’d be happy to run away from such ladies. I just remember all the pain and negative thoughts I had about myself when I was fed to the wolves with a woman I thought the world of.

I’ve never written about it. I never had the need to but I think for my sake I need to. She doesn’t read this anymore. She doesn’t even call me anymore. We go in spurts actually. We’ll call each other daily for weeks on end and then I won’t call her when I said I will. I just can’t do it. I won’t.

I admit, I was young and stupid at the time and you’d think I would have grown out of my ways by now but have I? No … I hold grudges, I only think about myslelf, I have no flare, no spark, no ambition and no love to offer. I don’t think this but basically this series of words were the only ones I’d here for echoing through my head. All of these words weather she remembers them or not still effect. Even now, to this day.

/sigh

Oh well … maybe another day? Maybe another time. Case in point it’s not the party animal inside this woman that scares me. Its the fact that party animals tend to attract other guys who, lets face it, are alot more outgoing than I and when they meet up, love is in the air, and I’ll just be a memory. "Oh no, I’m not an average lady" or "Nooooooooo Way, that’ll never happen" or "I would never do that to you". Keep walking on past me. I’ve heard them all before and everytime I hear them now I gringe. Why? Becuase most of the time they are lies. In fact … 100% of the time they’ve been lies, and not known to me until it’s to late they are with somebody else. My fault? After one … or even two you can say, sure. But there has been more than that. Is it just women in generally who are concieded. Is it me? It has to be, I can only put the blame so far and when it happens over and over and over and over and over again, the blame needs to be put somewhere. The blame has to be put on me, for excepting their phone numbers and knowing the outcome and going in blindly and without any fear. It has to be me.

So I declined her phone number. The more and more I think about all of this woman thing the less I like it. Sure, I’d like a lady to call my own. Do I need one? No. Do I want one …. the more I think about it. No. To much politics. To much stress. I don’t know what I’d do if I got jipped again. So it would be in my better intrest to stay single.

so what next?

I’d like to work on myself and my life some more. I had this thought a while ago and I think today, now more than ever it’s going to stick. 12 years or my corvette first It’s a good idea .. and when I say first I mean outside distractions. Women, roomates, dogs or even life in general. Corvette or 12 years first.

So with that being said I will go ahead and leave it at that. I’m kind of tired and seeing as I’ve been doing this for the past 45 minute with no interuption, I think I may just take a nap. Have a good one whoever reads and perhaps I’ll write again soon.

peace, love and chicken grease,
-kc

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Saturday, May 28, 2005

No smuck left in me
Current mood: blah

So today was my judgement day. I couldn’t do it, I don’t have the smuck left in me to step in line. *sighs* Ok. That’s enough thoughts for the day.

-take care,
kc

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

My confessions
Current mood: amused

[Chorus]
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I’m thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions
If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I’m so thrown and I don’t know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 2]
Sitting here stuck on stupid, trying to figure out
When, what, and how I’mma let this come out of my mouth
See it ain’t gon’ be easy
But I need to stop thinkin’, contemplatin’
Be a man and get it over with (over with)
I’m ridin’ in my whip
Racin’ to her place
Talkin’ to myself
Preparin’ to tell her to her face
She opened up the door and didn’t wanna come near me
I said one second baby
Please hear me

[Chorus]
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I’m thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2
Confessions
If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I’m so thrown and I don’t know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Breakdown]
This by far is the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do
To tell you, the woman I love
That I’m having a baby by a woman that I barely even know
I hope you can accept the fact that I’m man enough to tell you this
And hopefully you’ll give me another chance
This ain’t about my career
This ain’t about my life
It’s about us
Please

[Chorus]
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I’m thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give you part 2
Confessions
If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call
I’m so thrown and I don’t know what to do
But to give you part 2 of my confessions
Usher ~ Confessions.
===================================================

Awesome song. It’s been out forever but it just came on my playlist.

So I havn’t posted in a while. I havn’t been busy but I havn’t posted. It’s such a weird phenomenon I know. Not alot has happened latley. Ok ok, so I lied. Quite a bit has happened.

I was only a week late but I finally registered! Can I get a w00t w00t! This term and one more … I think. *scratches head* I graduate in Oct. Tommorow(being monday) I have to go pick up my schedule/grades/books and all. I found out that if I have a 3.75 at graduation which I will more than likley will. Last time I looked I had either a 3.9 or a 3.89. I’ve worked far to hard thus far to f00k it up. But anyways … if I get honors(3.75 or higher) then I’ll go to my graduation. I’m kind of hoping my parents don’t come. I already told them not to but we’ll see. I don’t know, I guess I have the mindset that I don’t need a cookie everytime I do something right. Chris rock has a funny skit on things that people should be doing everyday for but want respect for. It’s halarious.

"I take care of my kids"- YOUR SUPPOSED TO YOU DUMBMOTHAFUCKA!
"I’ve never been to jail"- WHAT YOU WANT, A COOKIE?

Anyways …

School is going good. Work .. work is bleh.

I don’t know why I am still working at OfficeMax. 8 hours a day, only the weekends there is now starting to drive me nuts. It was ok when I first worked there. My bosses were cool, the store manager was an awesome old guy and we kicked ass at what we did. He didn’t care what we did, when we did it as long as we got it done. My new store manager now has all these rules setup. She’s so fake. So bouncy. So happy. It almost makes me sick. Not the fact that she’s so happy(although it’s annoying sometimes) but she’s so bouncy and well .. flat out fake. Nothing seems sincere. She’s so stinking peppy … *sighs* Maybe I’m just to introverted to see her point of view but nonetheless it’s driving me crazy. Then of course there are these ladies …

Then there is these two ladies I work with. Both of which are incredibly gorgeous, very smart and disgustingly outgoing, however overnight they when from gorgeous to … meh. One has a spunky attitude which is awesome but she was telling me she goes to AA meetings. She was kicked out of highschool and hasn’t gotten her GED yet. She was a pothead and got busted for that. Going outwith a boyfriend which wouldn’t surprise me smoked pot himself, has been in jail many times … the whole nine yards. she’s someone who I originally thought deserved way better but it got me thinking. Does she?

The second all the guys gawk after. For those that don’t know what gawking is I’ll define it.

Gawk – look with amazement; look stupidly

So the guys I have no doubt are lining up to be with her. Such thoughts sparked my curiosity. Do women get tired of being hit on? Do women ever get tired of guys telling them they are hot, fine phat etc … ? Do women like this behavior? I dunno …. Another thing I’m curious to know about women. How does a guy say that he really likes a lady, that she’s gorgeous and not sound like the 1000′s of guys that just told her the same thing 2 seconds ago? How does a guy go about doing that trying to be sincere and actually be noticed? Puzzled … I tried to find the answers. Unfortunatly women and the whole female mend escpae me and well … I’m lost. No surprise there.

She came over about a week ago. Drunk. Disgustingly drunk. There isn’t a bigger turnoff then a woman who’s drunk(consistantly) and a woman who smokes. Apparently she was over at a friend of mine’s and when she found out from him I lived in the same complex she wanted to come over and see me. Wow, she was gorgeous. I won’t even go into details it would take so long. So she came over … drunk. Wow. But then I knew that she was far to outgoing and so far out of my league to continue such thoughts. And like that I dismissed any ideas of being together. She’s got alot going for her. She told me she is going to college shortly, where I don’t know but college none the less. A woman with ambition. I like that. So the next day I go to work and from her friends I get the "are you single"/"what do you think of her" talk. I said what I thought and we’ll see. Surprisingly enough I was sincere in saying that I thought she was perfect minus a few things. I don’t even know if my comments got to her. I havn’t seen her in a while. Those few things that don’t make her perfect though I’d never be able to live with. The party animal inside her. Her outgoing personality. The combination of the two are horendous to say the least. I’m a pretty introverted guy but I think I can hold my own personality wise against anybody pound for pound. The party thing … I am flawed. I am a pretty boring guy and I know this. After 7 months of dating my previous two girlfriends I figured this out after months of thinking about it. I’d imagine the guys they dumped me for were really outgoing. The party type. The type who wouldn’t think twice of laying a hand on them. Overal jerky guys who didn’t deserve half of the person they ended up with.

Working there brings up crappy memories of highschool. This whole situation feels like highschool. Why? Her friends coming to talk to me and trying to play it off like I havn’t gotten the hint already. The ladies going out with jerks. That’s where I feel like I’m working. People tattling on everybody else … people whining and complaining. The ladies boyfriends again who don’t deserve half the person they are with. Bad memories to say the least. I remember the last day of school before prom everybody was getting ready and all giddy becuase they all had dates and such. Prom was heaven for most people. It was hell for me, seeing all the deserving ladies get the opposite in deserving guys and the guys that did deserve the world got nothing.

So will I quit? Yea, eventually … after I get my I-pod of course I’ll endure highschool another year if it means that I can listen to good music the rest of my life. I’ve gotta admit .. I’m an addict when it comes to music.

Music soothes the soul and heals all wounds. No doubt in my mind about that.

Video games and chris rock await.
Peace I’m outta here.

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

Watch for emergancy vehicles
Current mood: determined

"Watch for emergancy vehicles". That’s the sign I saw today. HAHA. "Watch for emergancy rockets turning 2 lane streets into a 3 lane street and try not to get hurt in the process". That’s what the sign should have said. It was posted for ambulances however these guys I swear drive worse than my roomate does. I couldn’t believe. I was on washington street today where the road is really narrow as it is and what do I hear? Sirens. So I pull over as close to the barrier as possible. I thought the guy would graciously get in the turning lane and then bypass everybody. Boy was I wrong. He took this million pound truck and squeezed it right next me and the car next to me! Me and the other drivers exchanged looks like "WTF IRL!" Anyways, I’m alive, no harm to my car so I laughed. That’s really all I can do. Ok ok .. so I shaked my fist in the air, cussed to myself(actually screaming but you couldn’t hear it over my music) and ranted and raved. I immediatly quited down given the fact that hopefully he was off saving somebody’s life. If a loved one of mine was in danger I’d want the amublance to do the same I suppose. Gotta see the picture from somebody else’s eyes. That’s all life is really don’t you think? Through someone else’s eyes? No? I could be wrong but I see myself and everybody around me doing their daily activities to please other people. I think that’s wrong but I can’t gripe, I do it myself ….

On my way to work today I noticed everything turned green suddenly. Almost as if it happened overnight. I can’t remember if I wrote about it but I’ll write about it again. I have the greatest drive to work one can imagine. It’s all downhill basically and there are moments when you can see on for miles and the only reason why you can’t see farther is becuase of the mountains. It’s gorgeous. It’s so green. I’m so happy to be living in denver … I lived in texas and new mexico and together they weren’t 1 tenth as gorgeous as denver hands down. So I’ve got a gorgeous view of the mountains, everything is just plush green. I just wanna stop my car right where it is in the highway and lay out in the grass. Hopefully I won’t itch to much …..

So that’s my drive to work, when I get to work the wildlife around me is unbelievable. First off .. half the time I am greeted by this huge looking falcon/eagle thing. This thing is a monster! It sits on the lampost and makes this post tiny in size! I’m sure if I looked hard enough this lamp post was leaning while this monster was sitting on it! Ocassionally I see him swoop down or eating road kill but he is an amazing site. Then as I’m driving into work I ALWAYS see these little ground beavers(praire dogs, don’t ask) and they are always on their hind legs waiting to cross the street as I pass by. As I pass by I look in my rear view mirror I always see them run across the street. It too is quite sight. Just to see families run across the road being ever so cautious.

So now that I’m at work there are animals everwhere! Rabbits and these ground beavers literally run across your feet! It’s amazing they don’t shy away at all! Tonight when I left I saw a fox and a family of racoons. I shouldn’t have said that … my hillbilly buddy would bust out his coon sticks lol.

I always think of my dad though on my ride to work. He’d be completly envious and in heaven daily. I realised something that I want when I get older. Of course I’d like my Vette but something more than that, on a more spiritual level if you will. I’d like to be able to go Golfing with my father on a lousy par 3 course every weekend. I don’t know. Something that I thought of and something I think we’d both really enjoy. I dunno … I’d love to see the day when I’m settled into my house with my garage for my Vette and a set of golf clubs in the garage. The weekend, just me and my father. Who knows, maybe I’ll cart my mom around in my Vette whenever she wanted to go shopping. With the limited trunkspace she couldn’t shop to much

I think of my parents, family and friends quite a bit however never once have I actually gotten homesick. That I can honestly say. Of course I like going home ocassionally, I like talking to my folks but I can say that I’m glad with where I’m at.

And where am I at? I’m in denver. Going to college. 5 years ago when I first started my OzweegoVille I wrote daily about how much my life would be so diffrent as soon as I graduated high school. Then when I graduated it was how much my life would change when I finished college. Now … now I’m scared. What happens when I finish college? These last 5 years that’s all I’ve concentrated on. This point, this moment, this milestone in my life and it’s coming. Quicker than I ever imagined. What will I write about? What will be my purpose? My life to this point has been geared for the moments ahead. The moment when I get my degree. The moment when I graduate.

This all seems so sureal. I still have like 5 months left but seeing my roomates graduate feels like dejavu. This exact moment easily takes me back to the last day of my Junior year in highschool. I was sitting in the computer lab with my best freind Coy and he was teaching me more stuff. He was a good teacher and he taught me so much. I’m sure he was annoyed at one point but for what I’ve learned I’m forever grateful. But I’ll never forget the feeling, the feeling of the 3 year old asking so many questions to him about college. You see, it was his final day as a Senior. He was going off to college soon and my excitement was overwhelming. I asked him so many questions, what he planned on doing, where he planned on staying,studying etc … The whole nine yards. Today I felt that way. The only diffrence is I’ve matured so much. I didn’t have to ask questions becuase I already knew.

Tommorow holds the key for the next day, so on and so fourth. Each day a new key is given along with diffrent opportunities with diffrent rewards and triumphs and dissapointments. What door you deciede to open with each key is the real question. A question nobody can answer but yourself. Most people put these keys in their pockets for safe keeping, but the people that excel in this crazy world are the ones who dare to open these new doors and take a chance.

LOL, it seems that my pockets are full with keys that are broken, or don’t open the damn doors and I always end up asking a locksmith to help me out. There is nothing wrong with that I suppose other than the fact eventually I can’t go swimming for I’ll sink like a rock.

Ok … so I’m rambling incoherantly(sp?). It’s 4 in the morning … give me some slack. How about a break? I could go for a kit kat bar …..

I can’t seem to sleep. Something inside my mind is ticking away. Running at a billion miles a millisecond and I can’t seem to catch up with it and put it to rest. I honestly dont’ know what it is. I havn’t felt like this in along time. It’s kind of an exciting feeling. It’s definetly not something I’ve experienced on numerous occasions but a feeling I could definetly live without. I need my sleep.

The greatest band of all time just aired on my playlist. In fact, probably one of my most favorite songs by them. Hootie and the Blowfish ~ Let her cry. I’ve heard this song a billion and one times and it always seems to make me feel better and it never gets old ….

*sighs*

I’m going to try and get some shuteye. Writing and venting and rambling usually gets me sleepy. Hopefully this will work for me ….

Have a good one whoever reads this.

-kc

PS … I’ll leave you with a little something.

===================================================
She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought thatÂ’s escaped her mind
She says dadÂ’s the one I love the most
But stipeÂ’s not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tell me whereÂ’s sheÂ’s been
When sheÂ’s had too much to drink
I say that I donÂ’t care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to god
You gotta help me fly away

And just…
Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe IÂ’ll be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didnÂ’t know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for
Myself.

Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.

-solo-

Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
WonÂ’t you hold my hand.

And
Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.

Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.

3:26 AM – 2 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Sunday, May 15, 2005

If you play your cards wrong
Current mood: stressed

if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
you’ve got all the makings
of my future ex-wife
i’ve got 3 bucks
my credit sucks
and my future don’t look to bright
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight

some call me a loser
and a lazy no good slob
i’ve lost my house
i’ve got no car
i cant keep a job
but i’ve got a big heart
and another part
take me home, you’ll understand
because my genitalia looks like a pringles can

if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
when i pull my pants down
hey you won’t believe i’m white
it’s been said that i’m Mr. Ed
but don’t worry, I won’t bite
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight

some call me dishonest
and they say i’m just lyin’
but i peed next to ol’ John Holmes and
he started cryin’
on a sunny day i’ve got it made
get under my wiener if you need shade
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
-Rodney Carrington ~ If you play your cards wr..==================================================

So I’m pretty tired to say the least. Not tired as in I need to fall asleep tired, just exhuasted. I don’t know how to describe it, just that I am. I’ve been going and going and going and it feels like I’ve had no breaks, but in all honesty I have. Last night was a great example of a good time I’ve had, I didn’t have to work today until 2 oclock which meant that I had all morning(in which I slept in till noon but nonetheless) but it feels like I’ve hit a brick wall and yet I’m still running. I’m sure most have felt this way one point in life or another and can relate. Hopefully ….

So I’m still deaf. Well … I can hear but I have to read lips and also I have to get real close to the person whom I’m speaking with. This whole experience is new to me. I’ve never had the lack of hearing quite like this ever. I can say though I’ve enjoyed it. I can hear, so it’s not like I can’t hear the great things in life. And I’m still somewhat congested so I think it’ll wear off eventually. At least I hope so. But the good things in life …. For example. The sound of a Corvettes V8 rumbling past me on the highway, the sound of the water fall outside my apartment complex, the cats making sweet love on the balcony. I can still enjoy alot of things in life but filter out the rest. It’s nice. It’s as if I’ve been in my own world this entire time. Most of my time recently has been thinking. I like to think, and without the distractions of normal everyday life it makes it that much easier. There has been alot of topics come across my mind this last week. But there are some that I won’t mention. Then there is my moving situation.

I can’t stand coming home at night. I’ve got a roomate who thinks life is peachy although he’s on the verge of getting fired. He’s too guilible(sp?) or nieve to see it coming, I’ve got another who invited his girlfriend to come move with us. This has been such a nightmare. So many things both to me and around me has happened to really sit and go into detail. That, me being nervous about moving and graduating(given earlier posts) just life in general are some of the things that are going on around me which makes it feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. If not the world at least a couple hundred monkeys.

It doesn’t help me either that my mind is playing games with me too. I think it’s the silence in my head, or perhaps the ringing of my ears that’s breaking down my mental stability. Again … it’s so very hard to explain. Perhaps you can just nod your head in agreeance with me, or even relate … who knows? Yea … it’s such a mess. Have you ever looked behind your tv set? All the tangled cords? Yea … that’s what it feels like. The only diffrence though is I’m dealing with noodles that I can’t break or the shit will really hit the fan.

Ok … enough. I need to study for my test tommorow. Well .. in 7 hours. Networking. Blah. But it’s my final test and tommorow I get to basically skip my math class, just sign and leave. I can’t wait for my week vacation even if I’ll still have to work. No school. No school ….

This is going to sound really tangent but today at work I was going to buy a diet coke(my favorite) and they didn’t have any! Bastards! Anyways …. they did have vanilla diet coke. I figure … hey I love diet coke and I AM 100% A VANILLA OVER CHOCOLATE guy so I figured, what the hell … I’ll give it a shot! Diet vanilla coke is like chicken nuggets mixed in with apple pie. Sure they are awesome seperated but disgusting together. I thought I’d share so you don’t have to go through the same torment I did. Also …. they have snickers and cookie’s out right now. Delicious! Awesome stuff ….

Ahhhh the simple things in life.

Take care all … and before I leave, I’ll leave you an excerpt from my favorite comedian Rodney Carrington.

if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight
you’ve got all the makings
of my future ex-wife
i’ve got 3 bucks
my credit sucks
and my future don’t look to bright
if you play your cards wrong
you can take me home tonight

10:43 PM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Friday, May 13, 2005

Like a little kid …
Current mood: good

Ok … before I begin(again) I must say something weird just happened. I could have swore I posted this journal entry …. apparently myspace didn’t like it and spit it out or something. Who knows. *sighs* Here we go again … if it ends up floating around a copy then just ignore it of course …

So I feel like a little kid. It all started today on my trip to BurgerKing with my arm outstreched filling up this pathetic little cup they call a small. The same small that fits 3 drops of diet pepsi and 1/4 an ice cube. I see a little guy wait in line and he too had a tiny tiny cup much like I. I dunno, something about it made me laugh. I think it was the simple fact that I towered over him and yet we had the same size cup.

So, I get to class, physics to be exact and I enter the classroom and everybody is chattering about their paper they wrote. Some did their paper on particle acceleration, superconductive materials, *insert cool physics paper name here with arms flailing around* . We had to go around and introduce our topics, state a few sentences what we learned and share with the class. Of course there was some really high level stuff being said, so high level it probably was fake but high level none the less. It was my turn. The title of my paper you ask? "Roller Coasters, Physics and you." I felt like a kid. An ant among men however he(the teacher) seemed pretty intrested with what I had to say and write which totally made me feel better but none the less I felt like a kid.

On my way home the local fire department flooded my streets FULL of water to make sure the hydrants were working properly. So like a little kid I gunned my engine and went full blast in showering all the kiddies that got off the school bus. It was amazing how high and far a 1 ton car can push water. It was alot of fun …

I dont’ know, simple things like that made me feel like a kid. Not that I’m an old geezer, but I’m obviously not in elementary anymore.

All in all today was pretty good. I am however pretty scared. I see my roomates and friends graduating with their bachelors and it scares me. My biggest fear is being 80 years old, hardly making ends meet while doing kiddy shows as BUBBA the clown. "LOOK, I CAN MAKE A RABBIT DISAPPEAR!". *sighs* . Did I mention alone also? It’s a scary thought no? I think so.

Anyways, for those that are intrested in reading … I’ll post my physics paper here for you now.
===================================================
Casey Merrill
Physics(Patrick Lee)
May 12, 2005
Roller Coasters, Physics and You.

Casey Merrill
Physics
May 11, 2005

Roller Coasters, Physics and You
We’ve all been there at one point in our lives. Strapped in for the ride of our lives, white knuckled and sweating as if there was no tomorrow. “Click, click, click” and up you go, consequently enough, down you go as well. With your heart and stomach lodged firmly in the base of your throat you enter a corner and feel your body being completely pushed into the floorboard. A few moments pass and you are now climbing a steep incline and before you know it, you experience the feeling of weightlessness. Suddenly, without warning your upside down, twisting and turning inside a corkscrew. As quickly as the ride started, it’s over. You step off, pretty exuberated with the various physical sensations you’ve just experienced. Potential energy, kinetic energy, gravity, inertia, friction are just a few items that contain all the details needed for the experience and when used together properly can make for one incredible ride!

The physics behind the roller coaster start before you even buckle in. Whether it’s the friction that helps push your car’s wheel along the road to the amusement park or even to the size of the poles used to hold up the platform where you climb into the cars. After being buckled in and the clicking starts, the use of gravity’s role starts to increase as the car is pushed to the top of the hill. Gravity is a force that pushes/pulls objects down to the earth. At this stage, the car itself can be considered potential energy, which is defined as energy that an object possesses as a result of its position or state. As the height of the car increases, the greater the effect gravity will have on it. Once the coaster reaches it’s maximum height, the potential energy will be at it’s greatest quantity. As the car begins to go down the slope the stored potential energy is then transformed into kinetic energy. Kinetic energy is energy possessed by a body in motion.

As gravity takes you on the ride of your life zipping down the track well over 60mph, the next key ingredient is Sir Isaac’s Newton’s first law of motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. This is why when you enter a corner your body tends to feel as if it’s being pushed into the corner. With all of this energy and speed coming down the hill and out of the turn, it’s the track’s job to focus and harness this energy properly. The wheels are specifically designed to resist friction, allow smooth entries into turns and keep the car on track when going upside down or in corkscrews. Going back to Newton’s first law, an object will keep going forever unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Two of the biggest forces acting on the roller coasters in a negative impact would include air resistance and friction. Air resistance is the overall drag on a body due to its interaction with the atmosphere and friction is a force that resists relative motion between two bodies in contact.

Some of the greatest reasons why roller coaster’s have become so popular is their ability to make you feel as if there are 10 people sitting in your lap one moment, and the next feel as if your floating in space. Simply put, G-force. G-Force is the amount of force on your body at any given moment and when standing up right on earth the amount equals 1G. The feeling of weightlessness is actually in a state of free falling or negative G. A roller coaster can achieve such results much like a satellite spins in orbit around earth. A satellite is launched at a given speed to match the curvature of the earth appearing to be “continuously falling”. At different speeds and different curvatures the feeling of weightlessness can be achieved. Currently Kingda Ka will have the largest time of 0 G’s with 25 seconds.

When your whipping down the slope and then suddenly your going straight up, that’s a change in motion. This is what gives the impression of weight being added onto your lap. For every G that is added 10 pounds of pressure are added. For example, if your head weighed 10 pounds, at 9 G’s it would weigh 90 pounds. This is the force that keeps you glued into your seats around hair pin turns, and going upside down in the loops without the need of a harness. At 8G’s and without proper equipment a normal person would have a blackout. Currently The Mindbender has the largest amount of G-force at 6.4.

In conclusion, a roller coaster is nothing more than an object manipulating inertia, gravity, potential energy and kinetic energy. At the top of the incline it’s the cars potential energy that is converted into kinetic energy. Gravity being the force that pulls you to the bottom, inertia that’s keeping you glued to your seat while entering the turns, corkscrews or going upside down. It’s friction and air resistance that sadly ends our roller coasting experience. New thrills however are popping up everywhere around the globe. The newest coaster debuting early this spring is the Kingda Ka which will hurl it’s riders up over 40 stories in the air, drop them in 3 seconds to 128 mph for one mind blowing ride making it the fastest and tallest roller coaster. The rocket used to propel the car that fast so quickly generates more than 7400 horse power! Sir Isaac Newton the father of motion died 70 before any roller coasters were introduced.

11:48 PM – 1 Comments – 1 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Out of my way

Out of My Way

I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself the same
I can’t pass up this opportunity to let myself be heard
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me lose this all
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me fall

Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doing this my way
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doing this my way

You like to think the worst is over now but you can’t breathe at
all
You like to think your owed a favor now but man you’ve seen it
all
Did you, want to, be the one who pushed me off the wall
Did you, want to, be the one who let me fall

Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doing this my way
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doing this my way

You can’t hold me down
You can’t hold me down
You can’t hold me down
You can’t hold me down

I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself the same
I can’t pass up this opportunity to let myself be heard
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me lose this all
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me fall

Nobodys Gonna Stand in My Way
Give it up son I’m doing this my way
Nobodys gonna stand in my way
Give it up I’m doing this my way
Nobodys gonna stand in my way
Give it up, I’m doing this my way

Out of My way!!!!

==================================================

I think that about sums it up.
Peace,
-kc

12:51 AM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Friday, July 01, 2005

So uh, yea …
Current mood: cheerful

It’s been one of those days. Just … just …. bleh. Know what I’m talking about? Not good, not bad … just there. Like the negative and positive are exact. Weird. Very weird.

So everything is going well. Well … I’m not going to lie, most everything is going well. It seems that I have project after project after project due and it’s driving me insane. My last project I had, I was stupid. I wasn’t paying attention and let it get blown out of proportion. You see, it was for creative and critical thinking class. Basically I had to get a topic, ask some questions to 3 diffrent people, given the responses write a 3 page paper on it, another 3 pages of notes, questions and observations etc. Well, I didn’t realise that’s what we had to do, I did 6 pages(single spaced, it was suppose to be double) and another 22 pages of observations, notes, questions etc. 28 pages …all she wanted was 5. Hopefully that’ll get me a damn good grade on it but we’ll see. I’m not counting any chickens but I"m sure I did ok.

My other class was my compiler class. I had a project due last week. It was to get everything working in an object oriented enviornment. Long story short I thought I was screwed, but in 5 minutes I fixed everything and well, all is peachy.

So for the real highlight of my week. For those that don’t know I’m a huge watch wearer. My last watch which was fossil was given to me by my then girlfriend at the time joanna. I wear the snot out of watches, so much in fact that give me a walmart brand watch and it’ll be demolished in about 3 months flat, not a day later. So I was looking at fossil watches but didn’t want to pay for one of course becuase of how expensive they were. So I bit my lip and decieded to buy one. So yea …. I won’t go any farther with my story becuase that’s for me to know and you to find out. Just know it’s a damn nice watch, and I got it for free on an error that wasn’t mine.

It’s pretty nice. Everything that I have is usually symbolic of something and now that i look down at the time which is quite regularly, I find myself laughing, smiling … just being caught up on the moment.

Why? It’s symbolic for me.

It’s time for my luck to finally change. It’s a good time to be now. It’s just good timing ….

peace,
-kc

Currently listening:
Iris
By Goo Goo Dolls
Release date: By 01 August, 1997

10:32 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Monday, June 27, 2005

Either crap or get off the pot.
Current mood: crushed

"You’d better put foot to ass boy, life isn’t waiting up on you" OR "Either shit or get off the pot".

That’s what I’d hear from my father if I didn’t take a chance. I never really understood it until now. I had a project due today that I thought was going to take me about 5 whole hours, but when I actually put foot to ass and got it in gear it took about 5 seconds. I was pretty happy that all worked out like I thought it would have, I’m even more pleased that the class that I thought I wasn’t doing so hot in, I’m actually doing quite well.

As for the whole either shit or get off the pot statment. My father told me that a millon times. The first time I heard it was when I was first learning to drive. I was going about 35 in 55 and somebody wanted to pass me. Problem was I was in the slow lane and switched to the fast lane to gain speed(I don’t quite remember it was a long time ago). So I was in the fast lane going 35 in a 55 and somebody came flying like a bat out of hell. I just remember laughing so hard that I had to pull over and my dad was busting up laughing too.

Good times.

So this was my first official weekend off. It sucked. So of course everybody knows what happened thursday night friday morning. I didn’t think it would have effected me like it did, but it did. It feels like somebody sucker punched me in the stomach, then hit my chest with a baseball bat. I don’t know, it’s kind of surreal. I really did think things would go better … optomistically I am hoping she’ll call me back but the realistically I know she wont’. I was debating on calling her for her birthday because I don’t want her to think I’m sufficating her but I’d like to call her and at least let her know that I’m still thinking of her and who knows, perhaps she’ll be doing the same? Like I said … optomistically that’d be awesome BUT realistically it’s not going to happen. So I slept in on friday and skipped my classes. I had a project due which I shouldnt have skipped class, but I was a fool for love … so sue me. Now I’m(was) stressed about that.

To add insult to injury I spilled my gatorade on my shoes. Everybody knows this but what they don’t know is that when red and white mix you get pink. So now I have pink shoes …. nice eh? I thought so …

Saturday .. what a waste. I sat around all day and I didn’t really do anything. I just sat and thought. I think I drank like a fish I had a couple sam adams and a couple shots of bailey’s. I swear, if I ever get depressed and I die, it’ll be because I OD’d on bailey’s. Afterwards I took a nap, I didn’t actually take one, I was forced into it, then I took 4 showers. I was literally sitting … wasting away and letting my mind eating me alive. *sighs*

Sunday I was stoked. I was going to be able to get my mind off of her and everything that happened in the last week and go to a baseball game. We didn’t go. Maybe next time right? Maybe … probably not. Highly doubtful. So I sat home, watching movies. I bought three new ones which is good I guess. I bought Blade Trinity, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and Dodgeball.

Some good comedies and then the Blade movie was bought just so I can say I have all 3 of them. It was a damn good movie, but then again I come to expect good movies within the Blade series.

Sunday night my bud Brandon calls me, wants to hang out so we go out to eat at Old Chicago’s. They have really good salad there. It was even better to know it was 40ff. Brandon’s a cool guy though.

So yea … bad weekend. Ok, it’s all in my mind but it was still bad. Oh and to add more insult to injury. I got my ass whooped in around the world.

/sigh

Ok, have a great day all.

-kc

8:39 AM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Pardon Me

A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
At twenty three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me. But I
guess that it comes with the territory; an
ominous landscape of
never ending calamity
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have
had all I can take and
exploding seems like a definite possibility
to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world, and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me…Don’t ever be the same.

Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a
guy
fried up above his knees
I said, "I can relate," cause’ lately I’ve been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from
the burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity hypocrisy and the perils of being in 3-D…
But thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me…Don’t ever be the same.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, Pardon me, Pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me… Don’t ever be the same.

6:04 AM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Sunday, June 26, 2005

In over my head
Current mood: blank

The Fray
Over My Head (Cable Car)
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind

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Friday, June 24, 2005

I look how I feel.
Current mood: content

Like shit.

So me and her went out again last night. After 3+ weeks of serious dating I finally asked her if she wanted something more from this. This was my judgement day. This was sink or swim. This … this wasn’t going to work out and I knew it. I had optomistic hopes becuase on the first date she didn’t know me. She didn’t know what I could bring to the table. After 3 weeks she knows now. That I do know. I also know now that she really liked me, that she is dating other guys but they arn’t anywhere close to what I can offer her. She knew this … and yet she still didn’t want anything serious with me. She still didn’t want anything serious with any one.

So I sit here typing to you with a heavy heart. No broken, just heavy. Just ho humming. Ok, broken would be drastic but I like the movie hitch and kevin james’s charachter, I want to go skydiving with no helmet and no parachute. I’d rather not feel this way but it’s unavoidable.

We talked all night. I knew it was going to be a bad night when inside I couldn’t stop shaking. I knew it was going to be a bad night when I dropped about a half bottle of red gatorade on my pants/shoes. She laughed, so I guess it was worth the sacrifice. We watched K-Pax. Damn good movie. And then afterwards we talked. About everything really. She knew something was on my mind, it needed to come out but everytime I tried it came out as pure crap. When I finally went for it, it just started coming out. 180 degrees diffrent then I ever anticipated. It was ok though, I’m a good talker and as long as I had pieces to what I wanted to say then I could easily fill in the details. I feel pretty proud of myself. I spilled everything I had. I was very optomistic. Why? Just the way she looks at me. The way she lets me hold her all night. The way when I pull her close she doesn’t fight it. I just knew …

So we talked. I let her know that I was perfectly fine dating her, dating her for as long as it takes but I wasn’t comfortable with her dating other guys. I wasn’t fine with holding her all night, her leaving my house and this insane vision in my mind that she would go home just to crawl in the arms of someone else. I wasn’t fine with that. One thing I neglected to tell her which I am kicking myself in the ass for. Basically any guys that are ok with dating forever and not wanting anything else, are only wanting one thing. We all know what that one thing is. I spilled my guts basically … right there on the butcher table and indirectly she began to chop it up.

I can say it went better than I ever thought. Like I said my optomistic attitude was a little shadow’d by my pessimistic outlook. I was thinking about what to say to her for the whole past week. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and it killed me knowing that she hadn’t thought about me at all. A comforting thought was she was thinking the very same, the entire time. She proceeded to say with guns blazing that she was seeing other guys. That I already knew, well … thought. So I was right, but she then proceeded to tell me that the other guys were smucks and that I was the man with the plan. Ok,she didn’t say it like that but in my time of need I find it ok to boost my pride from it’s current negative status. So yea, she said that she didn’t want this day to come because she really liked me, she loved how I would hold her all night and she didn’t have to worry about me trying to make any moves at her and yet still keep it romantic. She didn’t want this to happen just as much as I did but she did realise the day was coming, she realised that any good guys wouldn’t stay around for too long.

We hugged and called it a night. Will I ever call her back. No, I can’t .. not anytime soon anyways. I don’t have the heart or the maturity to do that. I guess I’m kind of hoping she’ll call me back stating what a stupid woman she was and how she wants me and me alone in her life. haha, see … my optomistic side is showing again.

Even though I failed and I failed hardcore I don’t think I’ll count this life’s adventure as a failure. I learned alot. I learned that it’s ok to be optomistic and still be negative at the same time. I learned that being optomistic derives from confidance and that’s one thing ladies look for.

So what will happen to me? I have no idea. I think for a weekend I’ll sit poolside and gawk. Watch my buddy and his girlfriend have an awesome time, although internally I’m hoping it goes sour for him as well. Hehe, ok .. I’m joking but it would be nice to be in the heartbroken singles boat with somebody else just to know that I’m not alone.

I’m not alone, but for a strange reason I feel so … very … alone.

*sigh*

Take care everybody and have a great one,

-kc

Currently listening:
You and Me
By Lifehouse
Release date: By 03 May, 2005

1:27 PM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I’m only human.
Current mood: chipper

Man of steel! Superman! Batman! Professor Xavier!

Unlike the listed above I don’t have any superpowers. I’m just me. Plain ole kc. No superpowers, no extraordinary accomplishments, I can’t lift up cars with my buldging biceps. In fact I can’t even lift up my backpack without wincing. I can’t fly and swoop up damsels (sp?) in distress and bring them to safety, in fact when it comes to ladies I probably scare them away. Unlike professor xavier, I can’t control people’s mind no matter how hard I try even though I’d give absolutly anything, anything and everything to know what people think of me or just think in general. In fact I try to hard and probably turn people away from me which is quite the opposite I want. But I am who I am. I am only kc.

I am only human.

My phone is at home right now? Why .. becuase I feel like my heart/brain/body is going to explode into a billon pieces. My heart for obvious reasons. Still no call from her yet. The reason I feel so childish is it’s only been a few days since we last saw each othe. I don’t know, I either need to see her or call it off. I can’t take this drama anymore! Ok, it’s not drama what I shoul be saying is I can’t keep playing and wining these games that my OWN mind is playing with me. I just can’t do it …

I know though she doesn’t want anything more. I could be wrong and I’m hoping by dragging this thing out that she’ll change her mind about me. I havn’t really confronted her about it, I mention it here and there but nothing serious, nothing to major. Hell, I don’t even know if she’s thought about it. She could be using me for all I know …
Or she could truly enjoy my company. Dammit, my damn mind is going to get me killed one of these days! It’s all in my head I would imagine but I can’t help but to think negatively. I’ve been burned so many times … and it burns bad. It burns to the point where it’s a party of me and letting the past go would be stupid and downright foolish.

*sighs*

What is a boy to do? I’m so stupid.

No no .. I’m so confused. Answer me this. How can females date dudes that beat the crap out of them, put them down, use them for their bodies, cheat on them, lie to them, and be downright mean and yet nice guys still finish last? I’m not quite sure. I’m also not sure how a woman can be scared of a tiny stupid spider and yet not flinch one bit when applying hot wax to her upper thigh. Answer me that.

You can’t can you? Why ..because women are unpredictable. That’s why. I would like to think I could make a time machine millions of years before I ever could completly understand a woman.

I said my heart body and mind were going to explode. Here is for my body part ….

So what’s happening with me other than all that was listed above? Not much … we’ve been swimming a ton latley. A TON! I slept on my stomach for literally 5 minutes and now I’m a lobster. Ok ok, not that bad and it doesn’t hurt but you can see a diffrence between my stomach and my back. I’m starting to tan which is nice. I’ve been using a ton of bannana boat stuff. That stuff is the $h!t. Seriously. It makes burns = tan. I’m a white guy too and well .. I’m actually tanning pretty good considering all I do is burn!

Other than that it’s been great. this weekend hopefully we get to go to a baseball game. I’m so stoked! I havn’t been to any professional events since I’ve been up here. At all really. I went once when I was a kid to a new york yankee game but that was it. I dont’ remember much of it and besides … it was in Texas. Nothing exciting happens there …

They, being the rockies, are playing the KC royals. See anything cool with that? I did … I’m going to rip van wilders idea off of VW voltswagon. I’m gonna by a KC hat, go to a KC game and root for the opposition. Why? Because the hat is my name! It’s gonna be schweeet! I’ve been wanting a KC hat now forever but I havn’t had it in me to buy one. Now’s my chance, or at least now’s a good excuse for me to do so! I do hope we get to go though.

Ok, so I’m done rambling now. Work is going VERY VERY slow so I have a ton of time on my hands.

If anybody’s got any advice to give. Even any money I’d appreciate it. Just drop me a line and we can make something happen.

Peace,
-kc

5:55 PM – 2 Comments – 1 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Low and behold
Current mood: optimistic

So I’m not quite sure what to think. The last few days for me have been just a big blur basically. Friday was a good night for me. Me and a bunch of friends went bowling, and of course <i>she</i> was there. Time and time again I found myself just wanting to grab her, wrap my arms around her and squeeze the lights out of her(which is a good thing by the way) and tell her that I’m glad we were together. But then I had to step back and think, we’d only be together for that night … tommorow night she might have somebody else doing the same to her.

Personally, I don’t think she would do that though, and I personally don’t think she’s gone out with anybody else who she lets them hold her all night long talking like I do. I just don’t think she would do that. But then … stupid me, I’ve been fooled countless times before. Women, such angelic creatures I would tell my self, time and time again. And time and time again I’d be led down a path of darkness only to fall in an whole that’s so large that takes forever to climb my way out of. I know that she’s dating other guys, but her giddyness around me grows with each meeting and every time it takes her longer and longer for her to leave my arms in the morning. I personally don’t think she’s the type to do that with every guy which makes me feel giddy inside as well however I have my doubts. Heck, I have huge doubts. Something too good to be true probably is. Right? Like I said, I personally don’t see her having the same type of dates that we have just becuase, well … just becuase of what I think. Realistically I’m lieing to myself. I often wonder why when I see her car leave from my bedroom window she’s going to somebody else’s house, somebody stronger, richer, smarter or better looking. Crawling into their arms spending the rest of the day together.

That is the worst feeling ever. I could be wrong though. I could be making all of this up in my head. She may be estatic when she comes over to see me and doesn’t honestly want to leave. I won’t think that way because it’s optomistic. If I think that way when I do find out she found somebody better than I, it’ll just be a dissapointment for me. I heard this song though, and the more I think about it, the more it reminds me of this situation.

===================================================

Coming out of my cage And I’ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss It was only a kiss Now I’m falling asleep And she’s calling a cab While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking the drag Now they’re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it’s all in my head But she’s touching his chest now He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can’t look It’s killing me And taking control Jealousy Turning saints into the sea Turning through sick lullaby Joking on your alibi But it’s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes I’m Mr. Brightside

===================================================

This fits me to a T. "And it’s all in my head", "It’s killing me". Jus take a look … I’m sure you’d agree.

I do know she is dating other guys though, she was completly honest with me the first night I asked her out. However her attitude towards me since the first night to now is completly diffrent. I just don’t know. She is seeing other guys though. Going to a movie, going out to eat but to what extent I don’t know. That’s why I am going to speak my mind in a polite, but firm matter. I don’t care how long it takes becuase she’s worth it, but I can’t stomach the thought of her leaving my arms and going into another. If that’s the case, I’ll stop seeing her. If that’s the case I’ll get over her.

Is it too soon? Am I being selfish?

I don’t know. I don’t want to be a jerk. That’s the last thing I need. That’s the last thing that I want but something has to give. My mind is playing such mental games with me right now, just toying with me and it’s mentally unsafe. I need to straighten up this situation ASAP and I’ve run it in my mind about a billion and one times but I can’t seem to get it right. I’m going to fuck it up big time, which is ok, because that’s normal. So if anybody has any ideas about my situation, if anybody has been in this RUT before, EVER, please drop me a comment. I seriously need some help.

Aside from <i>her</i> things are going quite well for me actually. I finally quit my second job. Today was my first day off in quite a while. It was so great. I’m so happy too … I just hope financially I’ll be ok. I"m sure i will but again, I can’t help but be negative about things that are important to me. So I stayed by the pool for quite some time. I finally was able to wax my car tonight with good ole turtle wax. I used some other megregars(sp?) mcquire(sp?) stuff and I hated it. It rained and it didn’t do jack for my car! Oh well … it was nice to spend time with my car again. Just like the good ole days.

I’m so tired though. This journal did its job yet again and for that I thank it. I should be going to bed. Hopefully things will clear itself up or my fanclub will leave me comments with some help.

What should I do? Be a jerk and say take it or leave it. Should I wait it out and see if she comes back to me while going through this mental hell … /sigh. So much to think about. So little time ….

Peace
-kc

Currently listening:
Mr. Brightside, Pt. 1 [Canada]
By The Killers
Release date: By 10 May, 2005

11:24 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Girlfriend Application

The position of girlfriend is again available, and applications are still being accepted and maintained. Upon applying, you may be contacted.

Name:
Age:
Birthday:
Sign:

Why do you want to be my girlfriend?

What are your hobbies?

Do you like to stay in shape?

What is your favorite kind of music?

What are your favorite bands?

Do you wear panties or thongs or nothing?

Sheets or no sheets?

What is my best physical feature?

Which side of the bed do you prefer?

What is your favorite color?

Do you hunt?

Can you fish?

Can you dress out a large animal/filet a fish?

Do you own a boat?

Can you swim?

Hopeless romantic or romanticly hopeless?

If we were doing body shots where would you pour the hard stuff?

Swimsuit or skinnydip?

Do you walk around the house naked?

Lingerie: For romantic foreplay or to be torn off with my teeth?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Do you drink?

Do you do any drugs?

Do you like to draw\paint\other artistic stuff?

Do you like to camp?

WhatÂ’s your favorite movie?

Can you cook??

If you cook, do you do dishes?

Do you cry during sad movies?

How old were you the first time you had sex?

What is your favorite kind of sex?

Are you religious, if so what religion?

Are you a dreamer, or are you down to earth?

WhatÂ’s your favorite day of the week?

Toys in the bedroom?

Are you spontaneous?

Would you rather stay in or go out?

Do you Karaoke?

Do you like to be alone sometimes?

What do you feel is the most important part of a relationship?

How do you feel about drugs & alcohol?

Why should I pick you?

What is your best feature?

Why would you make a great girlfriend?

What do you like best about me (so far)?

How would you make me laugh?

WhatÂ’s the least important thing in a relationship?

If I started cuddling & stuff, would you..

If I called you at 3 am & wanted to hang out because I was feeling lonely, would you..

How would you show me that you really like me, in person….

How long have your parents been married or divorced?

Where do you want to live?

Do you have any sexual fantasies? Tell me one of them.

Do you want children? If so how many?

Do you want your husband to work?

Have you ever been in love so bad it hurts?

Could you fall in love (again)?

If you had one wish what would it be?

Would my parents like you?

How should a man be treated?

Do you want to be married?

Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend?

If you could have dinner with anyone dead or alive who would it be and why?

Favorite Food?

Do you like dogs?

Do you like cats?

Have you ever owned a Ford?

How long did it take you to get rid of it?

What do you drive?

If you could go anywhere with me where would it be? And what would we do?

Why did you take the time to fill this out?

Anything else you would like me to know?

Thanks for applying! Remember this is an application and only one will be selected.

Hehe .. I found this one somebody elses blog …
Peace
-kc

11:14 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Catch me when I fall
Current mood: drained

DonÂ’t tell me what to think
Cause I donÂ’t care this time
DonÂ’t tell me what to believe
Cause you wonÂ’t be there
To catch me when I fall
But youÂ’ll need me when IÂ’m not here at all
Miss me when IÂ’m gone again, yeah

IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again, yeah
IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again

DonÂ’t tell me how life is
Cause I donÂ’t really want to know
DonÂ’t tell me how this game ends
Cause weÂ’ll just see how it goes
Catch me when I fall
Or youÂ’ll need me when IÂ’m not here at all
Miss me when IÂ’m gone again, yeah

IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again, yeah
IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again, yeah

Now, IÂ’m all the way down here
IÂ’m falling
IÂ’m all the way down here
IÂ’m falling down again
IÂ’m falling down
IÂ’m falling down
IÂ’m falling down

IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again,
IÂ’m going down in flames
IÂ’m falling into this again

Now, IÂ’m all the way down here
IÂ’m falling
All the way
All the way down here
IÂ’m falling down again now IÂ’m falling down
3 Doors Down ~ Going down in flames
====================================================

My bloody arm hurts. Damn Dan. Damn football.

So I just got back from a drive. They are so relaxing. Just listening to tunes, singing and yet subconciously thinking and thinking and thinking. One of my thoughts that crossed my mind was the people that were on the road with me at this time of night. Could it be they too find the same freedom in their cars that I do? Could it be that they too needed somebody to vent to, something or someone who would relate to them. It’s intresting … I doubt any of them were driving for the same reasons as I however its always nice to be observant.

The last few nights I havn’t had to use my stereo to put me to sleep. I’ve thought myself to sleep. I’ve got so much to think about.

My current adventure is going to leave me burned. I know it. I can feel it. So why do I go on with such danger? I don’t know. you’d think I’d grow up by now but I can’t. I won’t. There is this drive in me that says if you work hard enough at something it’ll pull through come hell or high water. That philosophy hasn’t proved me wrong yet.

Speaking of philosophy, we were talking about religon today in class and I brought up my philosophy on that. I believe in god, I just don’t believe he’s on my side. So I’m going to hell for that bit. That’s ok … the only thing I know is that if there is a god he’d better accept community service.

I’m pretty tired right now. Sorry for such a short post but my mind is racing, and my eyes are wanting to close and get some much needed rest. I think I’ll do that, I have alot to think about.

I have alot of thoughts that needed to be transformed into actions. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Me and Lance
Current mood: accomplished

Talk to me a week ago and I would have given you an earful about how things were going down in a freefall for me. Wether it be two-faced people in the world, having to move home, a monumental program( a beast rather ) and various projects people said that I would never finish. Talk to me a week ago and ask me how my day was doing and I’d probably want to bury my hands in my face and tell you how horrible things were going, how many million pound monkeys on my back, how many problems I had. Today my problems exist but they are literally being peeled away one monkey at a time.

I figure with the right amount of banannas I should have this situation covered in no time right?

The past two days were judgement days for me. If I were to make it to the end of the week alive I had to play smart. I had to grab life by the horns and hold on tight and control the situation. 3 nights ago before I went to bed I imagined myself as lance armstrong, it was the 18 stage, one more stage in the tough mountains then it was all straightaways. All downhill from there. I invisioned myself climbing the pyrenees, my legs burning, my heart wanting to jump out of my chest, my lungs gasping for breathe. And for what? A good nights meal and to do it all over again the next day. That’s exactly what my life has been this past week. One big blur. I knew if I could survive yesterday and suceed then the flat down hill stages of this week would be mine.

My legs are still burning, my lungs are still wanting air, and tommorow is again another tough day but I won.

My biggest conern was my projects I had due today and on friday. Ok, well … moreso the projects that was due today. 1700 lines of code I frantically typed. 1700 lines of code I had to methodically plan out and crunch away the numbers and figures. 1700 lines of sleepless nights, 1700 monkeys just eating away at me. All for 1700 lousy lines of code ….

I did it though. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy with school as I am today. I bit off more than I could chew. I swam with the sharks and I rode across the pyrenees. Not without pain and suffering…. not without wanting to give up, not without wanting to pull over to the side of the road and just throw in the towel or barf along the way. I have moments and I still do but crossing the finish line, turning in my project was so awesome for me and turning it in was like a millon monkeys lifted of my back. It was winning the individual time trial where I only had to battle outmyself and I did it and I won. I won the evil mind games that I played with myself, I won. I won and I can’t help but to sit back, relax, and smile. I freakin WON!

Very few reach the top of the mountain and now it’s ever so apparent. There were quite a few people in my class that didn’t finish, that didn’t get 10f what I did. lol, when I turned in my projectsI was thinking of climbing the mountains, winning my first tour de france and the first thing I was thinking was "How do you like them apples?". That’s what lance said he was thinking when he crossed the finish line for the first time.

I’m still pretty emotional, meaning I still feel the pressure of my projects. When it was nearing the end I had my doubts and more than ever I actually thought I was going to fail my project, fail my class, fail the semester and be forever doomed. I probably took it out of proportion but none the less I was terrified. So many people in my family look up to me and to fail would be to prove everybody right, that I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t succeed. Not that anybody wants me to fail, but I think they are excpeting me to. I’m the first in my family to do this and anytime I get an option or out to move back home everybody suffocates me with such ideas. Like they don’t want me to get hurt when I fail so they protect me, which is nice but it’s those thoughts that push me that much harder.

I’m so worn, so terribly worn.. I’m so tired, my body literally aches even though I havn’t done anything physical with the lack of sleep I’ve been getting, or not getting. My mind just wants to collapse but it can’t because the moment my mind shuts down and doesn’t stay sharp is when I’ll fall over, and I can’t fall over becuase I won’t get back up. I’m so mentally, physically, spiritually exhausted that I just want to kneel over and grab onto my leader car and just have it pull me to the top of the mountain, but it wouldn’t be right. There isn’t a break in the future for me either. This summer for my break I literally get only 1 day off that I wouldn’t have had before. I go to class on friday like normal, get the weekend off like normal and instead of going into school on monday like normal I go in on wensday. *sigh* It’s ok. I freakin made it and survived this week with hopefully a level head intact. I have one more final stage left in my own tour de france and it comes on friday, when I can just sail right into paris(or my apartments pool) as a winner.

Me and lance. Climbing the pyrenees, he’s doing it in the tour, I’m doing it in life. I’m so tired and wanting to give into the pain and just quit, but that would be stupid, i’m so close …

I’m so close.

Currently listening:
Bullet
By Mat Kearney
Release date: By 19 October, 2004

5:29 PM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Monday, July 25, 2005

Welcome to my life
Current mood: amused

First it was video games. Oh no, I won’t get addicted. Look at me, I’m a video gamaholi(if that’s even a word). So I figured a concert wouldn’t hurt and I’d only go to one but when we were there they announced that the spin doctors were going to play one night and the wallflowers another night. THE WALLFLOWERS within spitting distance? It doesn’t help either that my first concert experience was freakin awesome. We went to see the fray and they sounded amazing live plus they shot their music video for MTV and it’ll be fun to tell people I was there and that those were MY HANDS hehe. So yea, 10000000 kudos to the fray

Anywho … I went to target today to buy a gallon of chocolate milk, I can’t stand regular milk, and apparently I have been getting the shaft for the past year. I pay a buck fifty for like 12 ounces, I can get a gallon for like 2.59ish. so I decieded to go and shopping and get some groceries. Maybe save myself some cash instead of going out for my late night snacks that are ending up being full blown meals which I don’t need both physically and financially. So I am just gonig through the isles and this lady, who had to be at least 40ish years old, looks over my shoulder and says "Oh, you can get these pizzas instead of those ones". I kind of looked at her and was like thanks but no thanks, I like these ones becuase they are cheap AND tasty. Besides, those other ones are more expensive, but I didn’t say anything I just nodded and moved along keeping my pizzas.

Five minutes later she catches me in the potatoe chip section and again she decieded to tell me to get diffrent ones. WHAT THE HECK LADY, but again … I just nodded. 2 seconds later I browse my way as far away from thsi woman as possibly can. She follows …. oh boy. I’m looking at the beagle section to look like I’m in deep thought so she would think I was busy and wouldn’t bother me but no … she decieded she wanted to tell me about the beagles and to get the more expensive ones.

By this point I’m really freaked out. I’m was thinking that if she was trying to hit on me she was doing it completly the wrong way, and second her son was probably older than I was. So I look her dead in the eye which up to this point I really didn’t make eye contact. I was like "Your absolutley right about the potatoe chips", so I put them back onto the nearby shelf, " and as for those beagles and pizzas, I’m in college, I don’t know how to cook, watch or set a timer so they will be burnt to a crisp anyways so why should I pay more, please leave me alone".

lol, she stormed off and these ladies that listned in were laughing. Apparently the same woman did the saame thing to them but they didn’t do anything about it. They thanked me and asked if I wanted to grocery shop with them for protection, so we ended up grocery shopping the throughout the rest of the grocery side. It was funny. I had a good time and the ladies although they were old were pretty nice. lol… that just goes to show that women are phsycotic and have no flippin idea what they want.

Before I leave for work I’d like to leave you with a song. I would have definetly put down cable car by the fray BUT unfortunatly I’ve put that song in here a million and one times and besides they are going to be rockstars within the next few months SO I don’t want to outdo it so I’d put down a good some that fit my mood a few days ago.

Peace, I’m outta here,
-kc
——————————————————————–

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy but I’m not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like, what it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it’s like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

1:59 PM – 1 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

Friday, July 22, 2005

**WARNING** May cause cancer.
Current mood: calm

I saw this advertisement today and just laughed. What doesn’t cause cancer? What is 100% purley non-cancer causing that you can think of? Yea, me too, nothing comes to mind. There is a sign in the mall a couple years back that said "1 out of every 3 people will get cancer at least once in their lifetime". After seeing that sign out of the 4 buddies that were around me two of the stuck close. Hehe, it was funny. I’m not afraid of dieing nor am I afriad of the pain that comes along with cancer, but what I am afraid of is not being able to do the cancer causing things I love if I ever were to get it again. Such as diet coke. Aspertan. It’s what, 100000% chance of getting cancer in labatory rats? hehe, but I drink that stuff like it’s going out of style, like a fat kid loves cake, like a fish swims in water. 24/7 I am addicted to diet coke. I once brought 3 liter bottles to work just so I wouldn’t be without my minute dose of carbonated water.

So todays been good. Yet another sleepless night. I woke up at midnight after going to bed at 10:30 and forget it. I tossed and turned so much trying to find a comfortable position, by the time I took a freakin hot shower in the morning it felt as if a semi hit me square on. I’m so sore, I’m so tired, and my nose is so stuffy right now. For this feeling I immediatly made my way to 7-11 for a liter of the worlds greatest chocolate milk and 2000mg of tylenol extra strength. Apparently 1000mg is the recommended dose but I didn’t really care what my side effects were just as long as the pain dissipated. And it did … oh did it go away and it went away fast! All and all I’m feeling good, I’m trying to jump on the band wagon that everything happens for a reason, I’m sure in due time I can disprove that theory without any doubts.

We were talking today and I’m glad I’m not the only one on the fritz. It seems there are a couple others who are going spastic like myself. I hear specific songs that triggered negative thougths or feeling and I just shutdown, subconsiously it seems. I don’t know why either. I feel like if I had a breaking point I’m 3 years past it. I’m not the only one though, how stupid this sounds it’s the truth. I really want to quit school. I’m so tired, and Im so frustrated with everything. It’s so close and yet so far away and I know when I do graduate that my world is gonna change, positive or negative I’m not quite sure of yet but it’s going to change without a doubt. I’ll miss my social interactions with my class mates that I’ve come to expect the last 3 years. I’ll miss alot of things, but I won’t miss takign on monumental projects. I won’t miss the stress or the sound as deadlines swoosh past my head.

All and all today was an ok day. I’m so tired. I literally have only slept 2 hours in the past two nights. I can’t sleep, and I realised I posted my previous post as a zombie, I don’t really remember posting it but I did. It kind of tripped me out how pissed off I was, and for what? It’s silly … I’m still an emotional basket case today but it’s getting tons better.

I just wish my sinuses would clear up, let me breathe for a change.

This is a great song, and I can’t help but go into my pissy moods when I hear it but it’s so awesome. The lyrics are amazing and it’s beats are really good. And again its by taking back sunday.

September never stays this cold
Where I come from
And you know
I’m not one for complaining,
But I love the way you’d roll
Excuses off the tip of your tongue
As I slowly fall apart (slowly, quietly, slowly)
Fall apart

This won’t mean a thing come tomorrow
And that’s exactly how I’ll make it seem
Cause I’m still not sleeping,
Thinking I’ve crawled home from worse than this

So please, please (please)
I’m running out of sympathy (I’m running out of sympathy!)
And I never said I’d take this
I never said I’d take this lying down

She says
Come on, come on, let’s just get this over with”
She says
Come on, come on, let’s just get this over with”
(I never said I’d take this lying down, let’s just get this over with,
And I’ve crawled home from worse than this)
She says
Come on, come on, let’s just get this over with”
She says
Come on, come on..

You always come close but this never comes easy,
I still know everything
You always come close but this never comes easy,
I still know everything
You always come close but this never comes easy,
I still know everything
You always come so close…
I still know everything, I still know everything, I still know…

You always come close but this never comes easy
You always come close but this never comes easy
You always come… you come in close

I never said I’d take this lying down
I never said I’d take this lying down
I never said I’d take this lying down
But I’ve crawled home from worse than this

If it’s not keeping you up nights
Then what’s the point
Then what’s the point
Then what’s the point
Then what’s the point

I’m in your room
Now is this turning you on
Am I turning you on?

I’m in your room
Are you turned on?

I’m on the corner of your bed,
I’m practically naked,
Are you turned on,
Are you turned on?

————————————————
GOOD STUFF Have a good one all.

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

To he who makes a mockery of my life
Current mood: embarrassed

Yea, this he is laughing at me again. I know this to be true becuase it seems when I can personally bring myself back to the top he kicks me back down as if he’s afriad of my success. It echos like broken glass being driven into my mind, but go on, keep laughin, it only makes me that much more hateful and eager to meet you. I know you exist, but your not worth the air in a dead man’s lungs let alone my time.

Is it fate, or is it you who can turn a man’s life upside down in the blink of an eye? Is it you or is it fate who can reverse the negative effects of such trials and tribulations? I believe in fate more so than you, and yet you can’t seem to leave me alone, leave me in peace. I believe I’ve shown an infinite amount of patience with you as well and yet you’ve given me nothing in return except sorrow, misery, and pain. I wear this cross around my neck ocassionally hoping it will show you it’s symbolisim of an open heart and an open mind and yet you choke me with it.And for what? Am I a clown or a puppet in your show of fools who half heartidly agree in your existence. I do believe, I do, but do you not believe in me? Surley you do for you would have let me die 9 years ago. Or was that modern miracles that saved my life? Or do you not exist, I find it hard to believe many millions of people use you as a mental crutch? Of all the people you’ve created, you should know better my mental being does need aid, it needs guidance and yet your laughing bears no resemblance to guidance. It is you who leave me on my uncharted path with no light.

It is he who hasn’t allowed me to dream pleasant dreams in the past 9 years. It’s he who fears fate and shows it by turning my fortunes quickly to misfortunes. It is he who hasn’t shown me the time of day since birth. It is he who will glady escort me to the gates of misery and then abandones me.

It is he who proclaims himself as GOD.

—————————————————————————-
What’s wrong with me you wonder? Nothing anymore. I feel good now. Well, better than before. It’s the small stuff that adds up. Scars literally being reopened, blood on my new pants, parking spot missing and only next to the water sprinklers who sing kumbiya next to my car. Mean two faced people. No where to go nor any places to find solitude.

I’m a liar.

There is one place to find solitude. Thats in my car and the only thing keeping me from driving 1000000mph across the United States is I don’t want to make things worse. I’ll get a flat, but I’ll "misplace" my jack, or my spare tire will be flat, or my oil cap will come undone and the oil will be out. Then, then … i’ll be stranded and lonley. I don’t think that sounds much diffrent then now but at least I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, I can look out my window and smile knowing betsie is still there for me and in the morning is a new day.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It seems as if every little thing is monumental. A kc in his normal mindset would scale any mountain, cross any desert to do what he had to do to succeed and yet the kc of today just wants to lay limp in the middle of the road hoping somebody will pick me up. It seems as if everything is passing me by, even the dude whos’ bycicle is packed full of gear and he can barley keep balance looks down at me and keeps going.

One thing that brings me mental clarity is programming. I decieded a week ago that I was going to rebuild what most thought to be inconcievable but I’m doing it. I’m making it work and for that I can smile. I can smile for alot of things unfortunatly for now the stresses of everyday life I feel have caught up to me, one by one, climbing on my back and just dragging me down until my knees are scrapped and bruised and there is nowhere to go but down.

But what if I were to go down in a circle and come rightside back up? Weird isn’t it? Life. Everything really. Just weird how things work out but even more fascinating is not how everthing ends up, but how it works out. The in between time. Odd. I’ve never thought of such a perspective but I guess it makes sense. It really doesn’t matter how it ends up, but what’s in between that really counts.

All my life I’ve always looked at the end results not caring what comes in between but it’s moments like these that make you appreciate the vette, the beach house, the crotch rocket or whatever makes you happy.

I sure could use a diet coke. I think that would make me happy. If even for a moment but that’s ok. That’s all life is is a series of moments right?

Hopefully you don’t think I’m physco now. I’m not. I’m just your average joe who doesn’t pretend his world is perfect, nor do I pretend to be joe. I’m kc and I’m your average kc.

Have a great day all,
-kc

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Weight of the world
Current mood: blank

Your sweating, but you don’t care. You’ve got the next 5 minutes of adrenaline, heart pounding, wind in your face, sun in your eyes exhiliration that you’ve come to expect with this daily routine. It’s frickin hot, but you expect that given it’s 100 degrees outside. Again, you don’t care, you’ve got the next 5 minutes of adrenaline, heart pounding, wind in your face, sun in your eyes exhiliration that you’ve come to expect with this daily routine. Your strapped in literally, when you get pushed you can’t stop. It’s downhill from here. Quite literally actually. Screaming at the top of your lungs your halfway down the hill, and boy, what a ride what a ride! You are so stoked and all you care about holding on for dear life becuase you know if you fall off your hosed, you know if you go to fast your wheels will melt out from underneath you. You don’t care, the next 5 minutes of adrenaline, heart pounding, wind in your face, sun in your eyes exhiliration that you’ve come to expect with this daily routine.

So your there, enjoying the time of your life when all of a sudden you look down this hill and you see the finish line. Crossing it you feel, you feel overjoyed.

Congratulations, you’ve just won X-Games street louge for the 3rd year running.

Unfortunatly things go downhill from here. So excited, so happy you feel a faint vibration, you begin stopping like you’ve done a thousand tmies but you realise your brakes are melted you were going so fast. The barrier is approaching, the vibrations begin to pick up and now your louge is rocking uncontrollably. This isn’t good. You can’t bail because your strapped in, you realise that hitting the barrier is the only outcome. 3 seconds until impact … 2 … 1 …. and before you get crushed into oblivion by this bloody wall you cover your face for protection. Your wheels are screeching and it’s scratching like a bat out of hell. It’s so loud. You can’t concentrate. Just before impact everything goes completly white and you find yourself in a room and it’s dead quiet. Just like in the matrix. No .. exactly like the matrix, the only diffrence is your all alone. You don’t know which way is what, which way to go to find freedom and the only thing that is for certain is the ground your standing on.

But is the ground your standing on for certain? How can one minute, one can find themselves flying downhill at 100mph living in a dream and them hit a bloody wall? How can things go from perfect to shitty in 2 minutes? How can things be so loud and be so quiet so quickly? How can this be?

Sound Familiar? Welcome to the perfect analogy of my life.

hehe, why street louge I don’t know, probably becuase I was watching some dudes crash, like insane crashes earlier today.

*sigh* so yea. that’s today, that was yesterday. Good stuff eh? I feel like letting loose and I think eminem can help with that. I think when he says "I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulder". Only diffrence is it’s getting heavier and I’m getting weaker.

I’m out,
-kc

———————————————-
Eminem ~ Hailies Song

Yo, I can’t sing it
I feel like singin’
I wanna fuckin’ sing
Cuz I’m happy
Yeah, I’m happy
Ha Ha
I got my baby back
Yo, check it out

Some days I sit, starin’ out the window
Watchin’ this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin’ to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I’m crazy
I’m crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I’m not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Somtimes it feels like the world’s on my shoulders
Everyone’s leanin’ on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world’s almost over
But then she comes back to me

My baby girl [Hailie laughs] keeps gettin’ older
I watch her grow up with pride
People make jokes, cuz they don’t understand me
They just don’t see my real side

I act like shit don’t phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I’m not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Man, if I could sing, I’d keep singing this song to my daughter
If I could hit the notes, I’d blow something as long as my father
To show her how I feel about her, how proud I am that I got her
God, I’m a daddy, I’m so glad that her mum didn’t abort
Now you probly get this picture from my public persona
That I’m a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there’s a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o’ my soul,
And just know that I grow colder the older I grow
This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?
Now look, I love my daughter more than life in itself,
But I got a wife that’s determined to make my life livin’hell
But I handle it well, given the circumstances I’m dealt
So many chances, man, it’s too bad, coulda had someone else
But the years that I’ve wasted are nothing to the tears that I’ve tasted
So here’s what I’m facin’:
3 felonies, 6 years of probation
I’ve went to jail for this woman, I’ve been to bat for this woman
I’ve taken bats to peoples backs, bent over backwards for this woman
Man, I shoulda seen it comin’, why’d I stick my penis up in?
Woulda ripped the pre-nup up if I’d seen what she was fuckin’
But fuck it, it’s over, there’s no more reason to cry no more
I got my baby, baby the only lady that I adore, Hailie
So sayonara, try tomorra, nice to know ya
My baby’s travelled back to the arms of her rightful owner
And suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted
It’s like the greatest gift you can get
The weight has been lifted

Now it don’t feel like the world’s on my shoulders
Everyone’s leanin’ on me
Cuz my baby know’s that her daddy’s a soldier
Nothin’ can take her from me

Woo!
I told you I can’t sing.
Oh well, I tried
Hailie, ‘member when I said
If you ever need anything, daddy will be right there?
Well guess what?
Daddy’s here.
And I ain’t goin’nowhere baby
I love you! (kiss)

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Monday, July 18, 2005

Ground beaver slalom
Current mood: calm

So today me and betsie went into work, determined not to hit any of the stupid buggers that we’ve come to know as "ground beavers". lol, how ground beavers came about is pretty funny but it’s too long of a story and the night is too young to talk about such stupid entities. Ground beavers by the way are simply prarie dogs. But yea, we had to play slalom to get to work because they wouldn’t move out of the way and the last thing I want on my concious is a dead ground beaver. Poor fellas.

Anywho …

I don’t know how I’m suppose to find that perfect somebody, expect them to know me when I don’t even know myself. Does that make sense? I only say that becuase I do some really stupid, unexplainable crap, for example, I park my car in front of these stupid sprinklers, spend 5 bucks and 4 hours hand washing/drying/waxing my car only to park it in front of the sprinklers again? Or my watch becoming all scratched up because I refuse to take it off before bedtime? Or how I can go through a whole flippin bag of 3 musketeers, almond joys, 3 movies and 5 diet cokes because I’m "not feeling right but can’t explain what I think/feel." I don’t know, I guess I’m unexplainable and I’ll have to live with it. Is that even normal?

Hmmm, I don’t know. We’ll soon see I guess.

I also don’t quite understand how I can love somebody and watch them eat out my heart like a crappy 5.99 country buffet ticket. It reminds me of taking back sunday when they say:

the truth
Is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleedin on your shirt

It’s so true. I don’t get why she still calls me 3 years later. 3 years later and she still cares enough to call me, but yet she didn’t care enough to think twice before she was a complete fool and did that to me. I don’t know. I don’t understand it either. I’d like to ask her why she still calls me but I don’t really care to be honest. Ok, I do care but that’s it. I shouldn’t care. but I do. Make sense? Even to this day when we talk it’s like she’s twisting this big ass butcher knife in my back but it’s already gone through, out the other side and back again. I’m pretty fucking stupid, pretty fucking crazy but I suppose that’s life. Stupid and crazy right?

*speaks of the devil* see … /sigh, my phone’s vibrating and it’s her. I don’t get it. Why? A little 3 letter word could have such a huge meaning. It’s the diffrence between calling me a babe or jerk, it’s the diffrence between calling me tommorow and never, it’s the diffrence between my sanity and comfort. How can such a small word do so much damage? Now …. now that’s crazy my friend.

Another thing that’s crazy?! I don’t trust women becuase of her. I used to think women were angelic creatures once but now becuase of her I see them as a dime a dozen. It’s because of her I’m so bitter. It’s because of her why I can’t grab onto this concept of love. It’s becuase of her that my whole vision of women is skewed. It’s her who I measure every woman against and yet it’s her who I hate and love all at the same time. I dont’ get it.

It’s crazy. I’m crazy. Your crazy for reading this far. I’m just venting now … grrr. Ok, check this.

Taking Back Sunday. A hidden gem hidden among thousands and thousands of songs. They are a really good band because they too have had ton of women issues. You can tell by the music they sing and with their lyrics. They are damn good. This song that I’m listening to that I can’t get out of my head is Timerwolves in New Jersey.

The part:

Timberwolves At New Jersey Lyrics

This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
Down the barrel of a gun (gun,gun)
Remind me not to ever act this way again
This is you trying hard to
Make sure that youÂ’re seen
With a girl on your arm
And your heart on your sleeve
Remind me not to ever think of you again
This is me with the words
On the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
Down the barrel of a gun
Remind me not to ever act this way again (again)
Again (again)

I can’t get it out of my head. It’s so true …

Until tommorow. Another day of ground beaver slalom … hehe …. have a great day all.
Take Care,
-kc

Currently listening:
Tell All Your Friends
By Taking Back Sunday
Release date: By 26 March, 2002

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Friday, July 15, 2005

My A Game
Current mood: Stoked!

Dang it’s hot. I’m all sticking to my chair, I’m sweating. What have I been doing you ask?

Well … I peeled an orange? Why?

Hehe, dang it’s hot. Oh well. I have my fan blowing on me, bohemian raphsidy blaring right now, watching a firetruck again come to our apartment. That’s like the hundreth time that firetrucks have been here since I moved in just a short while ago. Waht’s up with that? I’m starting to think my apartment complex attracks fire o.0

So I have a stupid compiler due in the next 3 weeks. We were given about a million lines of code to go through, alter and to make better. I said to hell with it. Lol, i’m probably taking off far more than I can chew but I’ve come quite a ways so far. It was funny, I spent a week looking at somebody elses crap and was like this is bloody pathetic. I can do better. I just have to have a little faith in myself, put foot to ass, stop screwing around and jump right in. I think now that I know what I’m doing it should go down hill from here. So yea, I have to bring my A game the next two weeks to get this finished. The only part I’m shaking in my boots is with the symbol table. *sighs* A game, think A game.

Enough boring talk … again.

My fish is doing better. He looks like he’s doing worse though. His skins all falling off. hehe, it sounds horrible and he looks worse than it sounds. but my tank is clear meaning no death, at least for the next couple days. Seeing as I already lost one of them I don’t feel the need to kill any more off.

I ate chipotle today. If you dont’ know what that is, I’m sorry. They have the biggest friggin burritos on the face of the earth. Burritos so big I’d use mine as a pillow.

It looks liek it’s going to rain. I almost hope that it does. My car got wet again from the damn sprinklers. I swear the sprinklers sprouted legs, all got in a big circle around my car and sang kumbiya during the night. It’s ridiculous. Oh well, tonight it’s going to rain. You want to know why?! I left my sunroof open. It’s a sure thing that it’s going to rain. But this time I’m gonna watch the weather(hopefully) and before my interior gets soaked close it *evil grin* I’m good eh?

I have to be good. I have to be A game good. Not just in this stupid class but in the coming months. A game good.

I can do it, it’ll be cake. Or pie, depending on which one you like better…

Currently listening:
Hit or Miss
By New Found Glory
Release date: By 21 August, 2001

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

How ignorant can I be?
Current mood: crazy

So I’m sitting here, on my bed just relaxing watching X-MEN 2. Great movie, even better than that is I’m in a comfortable position. Why is that a good thing you ask? Because as we age my parents always told me the older we get the harder it is to get comfortable. They couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I remember there was a time I could sleep on lava and be comfortable. Now I have to toss and turn a bit, THEN, I’m comfortable. Forget getting up for the remote, I’ll watch stupid jerry springer if that’s what’s on the tube if it means I can be comfortable and not have to move again. So yea, I’m in a comfortable position. What could be better than that? A working laptop perhaps? Hehe … yea that’s right. Last week me and my buddy went all around town trying to find screws/nuts that were 1/16 in size to fix my laptop. I went everywhere, ace hardware, home depot, lowes, pretty much every place that sold 1 million types of screws but my screws were nowhere to be found. I ended up going to a hobby store and picking them up. When they found out they were for my laptop they kind of chuckled. 5 bucks, 4 screws, 4 bolts. It’s awesome, I’d pay five bucks any day of the week to have my laptop working in prestine condition. It looks like I hacked it together, the only thing I need now is some good ole fashioned duck tape to seal the deal of geekness. haha, no need, I’ve surpassed geekness … I’m on my way to ultra geekness. Why? I just got this new thumbdrive that’s got a lanyard on it, what next!? I think I’ll attach my IBM badge to it to add that final "I’m a geek" touch. Hehe.

So I don’t know if I gave my schpeel about my fish tank. The other day I decieded to go out and buy new rocks and stuff for my tank, now that I think about it, I did already talk about this …. So let me explain about the fish once. My sucker fish jumped out of his pail of water and was probably sitting, chilling, outside his bucket of water. Actually, I’m sure he wasn’t chilling, he was probably thinking to himself "Oh shit, Oh shit Oh shit" about a million and one times over. Poor guy, when I put him back in his bucket(aka his water paradise) he was alive and well. Very alive. Poor guy though, he doesn’t have any of his scales left, his fins … gone. He’s only got his sticks left on his fins and he looks like a poor burn victim. So he’s in his watery paradise and I thought was doing fine. Then the water gets incredibly cloudy. For those that don’t have a fish tank, or for those that don’t know, cloudy water = dieing fish. I’m not talking cloudy as in cloudy, I’m talking cloudy cloudy. So I thought of course the big sucker fish was the one who was dieing and I contimplated for literally 4 hours, just staring at the tank to take him out and give him a proper toilet burial. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the hart to kill him. I didn’t have the heart …. As I put my net into the water he started thrashing around, he had ton of fight left in him and I couldn’t do it. I just couldnt .. he had to much life left in him so I decieded to retreat, I’m going to give him 2 weeks and see what happens.

What a fool I was. I’m so glad I have a heart and I didn’t go through with it. It wasn’t the poor guy who was dieing …. unfortunatly it was the male in the lovey dovey couple that died. He must have passed away in the night. Odd how life works out. The only reason why I decieded to keep the tank was because of him and his lady. They were pretty happy together, and for what? Now he’s dead and she’s alone. I had a lump in my throat but then I realised it was just a silly fish. A silly fish? No … like I said before, they were my therapy when times were rough. And now she’s all alone …

Thankfully she’s only got a 30 second attention span. What a bummer … but I am glad I decieded not to flush the poor guy who jumped out of his bucket. I think I’m going to let him heal up before I get any other fish. Just so he can still be king of the tank and also so he’s healthy enough to retain his king status if he gets into a fight.

So enough of the boring fish. We’ll proceed on with my boring life shall we?

Call me a dick, an ass, a jerk whatever, I don’t really care. It’s my conclusion that women make guys into what they are, the jerks, the dicks, the whatever. Yea I said it. It’s women’s fault. They take good guys, stand them up, treat them like crap, cheat on them, go after the bad guys and they wonder why there are no good guys left. All the good guys can only put up with so much crap before they just snap and use women. Unfortunatly I see myself turning into a bad guy, I’m tired of being treated like shit, being walked on, being walked OUT on, being cheated on and I’m tired of women thinking, "Oh, he’ll always be there for me." I’m bloody tired of it.

Ok, I’m done ranting for now. I think I’m going to finish my OzweegoVille. Email me, leave me comments, do something, let me know your here …

Have a great day all,

-kc

Currently watching:
X2 – X-Men United (Widescreen Edition)
Release date: By 25 November, 2003

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

I’m sorry my little fish sticks.
Current mood: calm

So I looked over at my fish tank today and realised it was pretty dirty. It was low on water and well .. I just didn’t want it anymore. For 5 complete minutes I sat, contemplating rounding up my fish and giving them to petsmart. After 3 years though? Could I really part with them? I couldn’t ….

I couldn’t kill them either. I’m not that type of person. I know they are just fish but still. They are my fish! They are my own(free) therapy. When I’m all bummed out, when I’m low and I just run into the security of my covers and lay on my bed, I can sit and watch my fish. These fish though aren’t your average fish. They are lovey dovey type fish. I’ve got 5 total. I’ve got one huge sucker fish, he’s stupid actually and he’s probably creating 90f the gunk at the bottom of the tank the bastard. The other fish is a sword looking fish. He’s really quite smart, he’ll follow your finger around, and he’ll also meet you at the top of the tank when it’s time to feed them. I have this neon. Meh, nothing special. Hehe, but my favorite. My absolute all time favorite that is growing on me is my lovey dovey fish. I have two sailfin mollies that are the coolest couple ever. I konw they love each other because one second they are smooching on each other and the next second they look like they are about to die or go on a murderous rampage. It’s so funny, but the first time I saw them in their "dead" state I thought it was scary! I was about to scoop him out when he jetted like a bat out of hades to the other side of the tank. From then on …. I realised they were just playing dead. But they kiss, they chase each other around the tank, around the obstacles I have in there for them. I like it when they chase around my sign that says "no skinny dipping".

I can’t believe that thought went through my mind. I’m a crazy kid … never ever let me get rid of my fish tank and if I do I want you to slap me, or email me to slap myself! My last theme of the tank was tropical. I had some tropical trees in there, I had tropical looking seashells, it was pretty nifty. But I neglected it for a while and all the colors of the ordiments faded over time and it looked really crappy. Today though I bought some new stuff. I bought crappy colored rocks. They are crappy colored for a reason I also bought some weird looking pillar thing, kind of like atlantis but 1 million of it’s size. I got a couple plants for it so we’ll see how it goes. I emptied all the water out, I’m going to give it a day or so and then put my fish back in. Until now they are in a little bucket. I’m sure they can’t wait to get out …. at least my lovebirds .. .errr … lovefish anyways.

My room is a wreck though. It’s always a mess but today it’s unusually cluttered because of this project I did with my fishtank. Why is it I always get involved in my projects really late at night? I don’t know either. I’m pretty tired right now but I’m waiting for my clorox to take effect in the bath tub. I have my candle going in there which is a good thing. It’ll make it smell purty but I dont’ know how it’ll do with the clorox :S hehe .. I guess we’ll find out.

So I’d better get going. I guess this was just a little reminder to myself of how much my fish(especially my lovey dovey ones) help me out through some pretty low moments in my life. From the past 3 years which I’ve had a few, they’ve been there for me … ahhh good times. I should be going now. If you can’t tell, I’m sooooo tired right now and barley awake. Probably why I spoke on such a stupid topic … hehe

Take care all,
-kc

PS
Here is my tank!

http://img76.imageshack.us/my.php?image=fishtank1nl.jpg

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Saturday, July 09, 2005

My vette…
Current mood: indescribable

It’s days like today when the clouds come out in full force and the weather man says it’ll ownly sprinkle and yet it’s the largest flood in years. It’s days like today I’m glad I don’t have my vette. It’s days like today where I’d drop 3 grand into premium racing tires. It’s days like today where I’d lay waste to those tires and leave them on the asphalt going 180mph, which is why I’m glad I don’t have one. Ok I lied, it’s days like today where I’d love my vette.

It’s days like today that make me appreciate tommorow and what it has to offer.

It’s days like today where I can sit back and laugh at myself a couple years in the future.

Its days like today ….

Currently watching:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Release date: By 07 September, 1999

Monday, August 22, 2005

Shut up Shut up you’ll never stop me
Current mood: cheerful

"You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you"

Hehe, ok so I know that’s not the song I posted but still, it’s a good song none the less

Ahh good times. I got my headphones on and the music is blasting. Good times indeed lay ahead …

It’s bloody 1 in the morning … what am I doing up? Even I don’t have a logical answer fo that, other than my neighbor forgot to pay his cable bill, and is bumming our internet. It’s funny becuase he’s a true addict to Final Fantasy Online on his PS2. I keep playing with the Upload/Download rates on my bittorrent and I can tell when I crank up the values because he’s getting pissed off … hehe … but we won’t tell him … hehe, it’s comidic value is worth it’s weight in gold.

I don’t usually use these applications that hog our network but I really want to watch this new series on the sci-fi channel that we watched last night called "Tripping the rift". It’s like Monster’s Inc(Visually) and southpark, family guy, simpsons all rolled into one. It’s great … and of course it’s for mature audiences. Haha, last night’s episode got me hooked. It’s reallly funny and it’s visually appealing to the eye. All of it wrapped into one cartoon makes for an excellent night.

So all in all things are going good. Going really good. I thought I was going to be somewhat screwed financially and I’m sure along the line I will be however I’m not too worried about today, tommorow … or the day after tommorow. I am giong to find hopefully a shorter route to work all the way from Highlands ranch to boulder. Bleh. … bleh bleh. I don’t look forward to using all that gas, it’s going to suck but the good thing is the scenery is good. Lol, how much of it I’ll get to see driving home at 9 oclock is a whole nother story.

All and all I can’t complain with how things are turning out. I finished all of my online homework, although there is a lady that’s pissing me off. She is what we like to call in the online community "Piggy Backing". She waits until I post my response and then she says .. ‘Oh yea casey … you have a great idea *wink wink*" and all the while she gets full credit for my response basically. lol .. I wanna jump through cyber space and just beat the holy bejesus out of some people.

Anyways … so back to reality and putting aside all this cyber talk for a while. Like I said things are going good. This term, seeing as it’s my last, I refused to procrastinate and my part of the project is already 90one, and I still have until October to work on it which is bloody amazing! Me … not procrastinating! I know … it’s crazy..

Oh boy … my neighbor … cooking this vanilla chocolate coffee stuff for me so that way I can stay up with him all night is smelling mighty tasty. I like coffee but I have to be in a mood. Almost like a pregnant lady how she craves things, that’s me .. the pregnant lady craving coffee and this coffee .. I’m already seeing msyelf craving it. hehe … oh and it’s almost done and it smells so tasty.

But yea,my project going very well … I think everybody was impressed so far. I’m usually the guy smack dead in the middle. I’m not the rocket scientist whom personality escapes him, nor am I the deadbeat who has nothing. Right in the middle I am, so if I can show my knowledge here at the end when it’s crucial I think it ups my anty, ups my points that I can acquire with this whole "trust" with big projects. It feels good … it feels good when people come and ask me for help with things they may not understand.

What else … oh yea, my parents are coming down hopefully for my graduation. It’s working out good becuase the only good reason I could think of for them not coming to my graduation was the simple fact that I didn’t want my mom and dad to complain about how plain/boring/dirty my apartment was. Now that were moving I don’t think I’ll mind as much. If my parents come I’ll get to see my doggies, hopefully they will replenish my contacts… hehe … and who knows, it would be fun to go to the aquarium. Man, I’d actually love to go to the aquarium … I don’t think anybody in the world could sit as long as I and just stare at the fish. I was surprised last time I went with my roomates, I thought I was going to hear a bunch of ho humming but they didn’t actually which I was very impressed. They actually entertained the idea of just taking it slow, and of course taking lots of pictures. I think I want to go once just by myself, take my time … hell … take all day for that matter. I think my mother though is the only women on earth who’d do that with me without ho humming, she’d be just as intrigued as I would be.

Wow … this coffee is surprisingly good. "Can I get you some coffee with your cream" hehe… that’s the crap I always hear from my roomates. I like cream … what can I say? I’m not a big coffee drinker, or alcoholic drinker either so everything has to be tame for me. Like the girlie drinks .. yea, I love em, and coffee … tons of creamer in it.

So WTF m8 am I d0ing up this late? j00 h4../3 /../0 !|)34. haha, I miss playing video games 24/7. I think I’m going to quit my job and just sit back and play WoW again .. .lol skates.. ok just kidding …

Man i’m tired now… .this coffee doesn’t work … o.0 I gotta get to bed. I’m expecting a call from her at like 10am. We’ll see how that goes …

|300! rofl …
-kc

PS.
Simple plan along with TBS kicks so much b00ty it’s not even funny. I love their song shutup(simple plan’s) and so here I shall play it for you, cranked as high as the high heavens will allow to possibly allow for my eardrums to remain intactd. So as I’ve done time and time again I raise my damn good cup of coffee in toast for a good yesterday, a great today and a bloody spectacular tommorow. I bid you ado ….

There you go
You’re always so right
It’s all a big show
It’s all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can’t get it right

It’s like I’m the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It’s all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you’re special
But I know, and I know
And I know, and we know
That you’re not

You’re always there to point
Out my mistakes
And shove them in my face

It’s like I’m the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Is gonna bring me down

Will never bring me down

Don’t tell me who I should be
And don’t try to tell me what’s right for me
Don’t tell me what I should do
I don’t wanna waste my time
I’ll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won’t bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won’t bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Currently listening:
Shut Up
By Simple Plan
Release date: By 14 June, 2005

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Sunday, August 21, 2005

I’m a keyboard cowboy
Current mood: awake

Yeeeeehaaaaaawwwww!

Yea …that’s right,you heard me. I’m a cowboy! Well a keyboard cowboy. Hehe, I watched the movies Hacker for the first time ever and I gotta admit. I liked it. Very cheesy and very unrealistic but a good movie none the less. "P6 is state of the art!" Oh yea? In a macintosh? Pfff …. I always thought macintosh chips were produced by Motorola.

Oh well … seeing those screens and computers they were working with did make me giggle. My first computer was a Macintosh. I loved it… but then I grew to hate it. I was in a phase where I never had enough video games, and I lived in such a small town that macintosh wasn’t very popular so the games I got stuck with pretty much were horrible. Oh well .. we live … we learn … and we get luvs right?

So what does a man do when he gets bored? Well .. not bored bored but bored where I have stuff I need to do but choose not to? I watch movies. And program of course …. what?! I had to work on my project! I got quite a bit done today. Well … at least more than I thought I would. But I did watch a ton of movies today.

My day started with a phone call from her. It’s 12:00 noon mind you … by the time I finish talking it’s time for a shower and then … then it’s time for another shower! hahahahahah … ok so I didn’t take two shours .. but I did take one really long one! I went to Game Spot, bought a couple movies and then went to Panda again to eat.

Todays fortune you ask? Funny you should ask … "A friend will help you in your future opportunities" Whatever that means …. I’m to tired to analyze it.

But I bought two movies for dirt cheap. I bought what women want and also lord of the rings 3. Both of which were pretty decent, although I’m a comedy guy personally! I really liked the last lord of the rings and I feel like an adequate movie buff now for watching it, I can now say I’ve seen all 12 hours of that movie. Besides those two movies I watched super troppers, which was good, it had some funny parts and naked ladies in it. I watched hackers, which again gives me a new found respect for angolina jolie. She’s gorgeous she’s smart and after watched that I may watch laura croft now! Ok ok … I’m not THAT bored!

Aside from that all is well. I don’t have much planned tommorow. I think I will rinse .. and repeat but we’ll just have to see.

Take care everybody.
-kc

Currently watching:
Hackers
Release date: By 24 April, 2001

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Time and time again …
Current mood: anxious

Time and time again I find myself. Not able to fall asleep… thinking about my day, thinking about tommorow.

Time and time again I find myself ranting about the stupidest of things and time and time again I just laugh.

"I’ll bitch slap you!"

That’s what I told myself with a hotdog halfway into hell, aka my mouth. I could cause some damage to the bright person who decieded to put 5 hotdogs in a regular package. Who the hell would do this? Put six hot dogs in each package and charge me an extra dime! If there is one friggin hotdog left I’ll eat it raw and cook my normal two hot dogs. Who eats 2 hotdogs one day and the next say, you know something? I could eat three …. no it doesn’t happen like that! Most people eat 2 hotdogs at a time, and what is there to do with this single, solo, outcast of a hotdog? I’ll tell you what there is left to do … eat the stupid thing!

Its really an ingenious plan if you think about it. There are two packages. Both containing 5 hotdogs, the normal average person eats 2 at a time, and I would hope that a normal person would look at that extra hot dog and just eat it ….then rinse and repeat for the second package of 5 hotdogs. Really what oscar has done is screwed the average consumer out of another meal! Bastards!

So yea … the phrase "I’ll bitch slap you" is what I am now saying to myself if I ever find myself eating that solo hotdog.

hehe … what the hell was that about? Completly random. Oh well .. thats me. Completly random.

Not much happened today. My life is a roller coaster and so are my emotions. One minute I’m high as a kite and the next I’d rather be kicked in the shin.

Yea … you heard, kicked in the bloody shin. That would hurt I’d imagine o.0

So I worked on my project for a while today. I’m really impressed withmyself, my focus, my resolve in my studies. I’ve been working on all my projects simulataneously(sp?) and I gotta admit it’s coming along. My teamates hopefully will be impressed with the work I’ve put fourth. I’m only doing the GUI(Graphical User Interface) but I’m programming it in such a way that it’s dynamic. Basically my code is dead sexy, like poetry, shakespheare’s work wouldn’t even hold a candle …

I only say shakespheare because in my research class we had to watch a few excerpts on romeo and juliet. We had to study the patterns that william wrote with and I gotta admit, that guy is a genius and I’m sure he had a lady in each of his arms as he walked, even if it was to the local deli or grocery store. He’s somewhat hard to understand at first but then if you listen long enough you can pick up his patterns and it all makes sense.

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circle orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable."

I had to listen to it over a couple times in my mind before I figured out what he was saying. Basically don’t swear by the moon, for the moon has many phases meaning your love may have many phases.

I think that’s why I hated shakespeare in highschool. I wasn’t able to sit back and absorb any messages, all I heard was thee, o, thy, and a bunch of other fluffy words.

Anywho … I’m done. I’m tired … and I’ve ranted. What more can you ask of thee?

hehe …
-kc

Currently reading:
Romeo and Juliet (Folger Shakespeare Library)
By William Shakespeare
Release date: By 01 January, 2004

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Very Supersitious
Current mood: chipper

Today has been a pretty good day. It’s somewhat dragging along but soon enough it’ll be over I’d imagine.

My day started of at 9am. Far to early for me but oh well. It was with that company I interviewed with a week or so back. They just wanted to tell me that I didn’t get the job, how great my portfolio was and how I’ve got a "bright future" in the programming world. Although those words didn’t get me a job they did give me comfort, some releif. They told me they were looking for somebody with a little bit more database integration on a larger scale as to what I’ve done. I’m A ok with that. I didn’t realise it was for a database job, although I kenw something was fishy with an entry level position starting off at 60k a year.

What can I say, I aim high.

It’s been my tradition before in the past anytime job hunting information comes about that I eat and Panda Express. I’m sure it’s not a tradition but just a copout for me to waste money and go out to eat, but it was a damn good meal. I sat .. eating, drinking my diet coke like I’ve done so many times before in the past there. I think it’s become my tradition because of my thoughts that I can remember, so clearly, so vivid and fresh in my mind. Times when I quit my first real job at Echostar. How I was so incredibly happy and yet so incredibly scared out of my mind. I remember sitting there eating a few months back, almost in the same place I"m now, thinking how good things were and how they can only get better. And there I was … sitting there today … laughing almost about how when I do get a good job I’ll remember to do the same. Even if it means traveling across the country back to that stupid Panda Express.

I have been keeping true to my word. For the past two weeks I’ve submitted resumes to at least 2 places of employment a day. Somedays I honestly dont’ submit any, but other days I’ll make up for it so it evens out. I’m pretty proud of myself. If I can stay ontop of things I’ll be on the right road to a good job when I graduate. Well, at least that what I hope will happen.

I’ve been working on my project for the past few hours. I realised today just how much work I am doing, and how much work I’ve done and although it probably doesn’t amount to 3/4′s of a conventional college, I’m pretty pleased with the effort and results of everything I’ve done thus far. I think it’s funny though … I get so many messages, I read and hear of so many people that are fixing to start college and they are so excited. I sit back and I laugh. I’m up to my ears in homework, projects, deadlines and such and to think that people want to enter my world. I laugh. That’s all I can do .. these kids are crazy. Don’t be excited for college itself, be excited for your newly found independance. Be exicted for the obstacles that lay ahead in this road we call life. But college itself? Come on … be realistic.

Today quite a bit of oldschool music has for some reason has come across me today.

Come on barbie lets go party! …..

Come on ride the train
It’s the choo choo ride it woo woo …

I like ‘em round, and big
And when I’m throwin’ a gig
I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like an animal
(for those that are not old school, that’s sir mix alot, ahhhhhh it’s coming back now isn’t it? hehe…. )

Desmond has a barrow in the market place
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond says to molly-girl I like your face
And molly says this as she takes him by the hand.
Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on.

Tons of good stuff ….

I finally figured out what was turning my sound system into crap. It’s sound awful the past few weeks and to be frank, I’ve been way to lazy to do anything about it. So I endured … but not today. I snapped. Music means way to much for me to let it sound so horrible. I first checked for electrical interference. Nothing. I checked to make sure XP didn’t enable any of my other sound devices. Nothing. I checked the cable connections. Nothing. Dang…. what could it be? So after 5 hours of scratching my head(ok, like 5 minutes but still) I figured it out! Stupid media player. So I’m stuck with winamp until I can figure out the configuration of it. blah.

Ok, enough geek talk. Nothing really too exciting has happened. I did get 2nd place this weekend with my picks for football wins/losses. I was the only one who picked Buffalo over Indianapolis. What fools. Buffalo had the second highest ranked defense last year, 5th highest ranked special teams(or so I’m told) and the only thing they lacked on offense was a deep pass every now and again, oh … and did I mention a good QB? Now they have JP in, they will be steller. The organization says not to expect to much this season, but come on … they are suppose to say that. It’s their "rebuild" season. They are exactly as they were last year, but better … so it all adds up and of course I was right. The only reason I got second and not first was I picked the Eagles over the Steelers. Stupid me! I know I know … but I thought with TO back in the mix and the trash talking McNabb was doing they could get the job done, but it’s obvious they can’t. Ok ok … enough geek talk.

So yea, today has been pretty good and I imagine it can only get better. I have a pretty good drive ahead of me to listen to music, I have a full tank of as, a full stomach and I’m going to work. I ate at Panda Express and I have to admit … I love my traditions Although some would argue that they are superstitions and you know what? I’d have to agree … I’m very superstitous(wink wink)

Stevie Wonder ~ Superstitious
Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders bout’ to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way

Very superstitious, wash your face and hands,
Rid me of the problem, do all that you can,
Keep me in a daydream, keep me goin’ strong,
You don’t wanna save me, sad is my song.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way, yeh, yeh.

Very superstitious, nothin’ more to say,
Very superstitious, the devil’s on his way,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass,
Seven years of bad luck, good things in your past

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way, no, no, no

Currently listening:
Stevie Wonder – The Definitive Collection
By Stevie Wonder
Release date: By 29 October, 2002

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

I’ll be all right without you
Current mood: mellow

*drools, wiping spit off keyboard*

Hehe, ok so it’s not that bad. But I am drooling.
Why you ask? There comes a point in every young man or young womans life where the opposite sex seems ever so distant and we start to nitpick our every flaws. I’ve been there … you’ve been there. It’s ok I would imagine, it’s normal right? So I’m sitting here with this nasty strips in my mouth in hopes that the ooze that magically comes out from strips will instantly zap our teeth and turn it into a gorgeous smile. Well, I can hope can’t I? I hate the taste of these things though. You keep your mouth closed, not moving an inch in hopes of not moving the strip, becuase if you have to open your mouth it’d be like the hoover dam holding back a million pounds of salivaish ooze. Hehe, sound gross? Yea, probably becuase it is. I do take comfort knowing others are playing mute for a half hour in hopes to contain their own mouthful of ooze.

So something random. I just customized my laptop alittle more. Something I didn’t know, the toolbar in the taskbar works with the internet browser you have selected and it isn’t biased towards IE and for that makes it super shibby.

I can’t believe it’s sunday already. It seems like this weekend flew by so fast. Not that I’m complaining, I had a ton of fun. Friday was friday like it normally was. I came home to an empty house and decieded I was so tired, that everything I was thinking that was stressing me out needed to be laid to rest. So I went to bed early which was very good … very theraputic for me. I think I stayed up until midnight just thinking which was good and I’ve come to the point where my life is a dove in a little kids hands after he lets it go. I’m leaving my life for the next few months in the way of the wind and hopes it guides me home.

Saturday, saturday was definetly good. I thought it was going to be a regular saturday for me. Homework, more homework and video games but I really didn’t do anything. I watched OCC all day long, and no, not the OC, OCC. Orange County Choppers. I always liked watching that show. Before I moved to Colorado me and my father used to sit and watch that show all day. I remember my mother would start nagging at us to do something but me and him, we knew better. We just ignored her and kept on watching. After that show it made me think about how much I want to get my own hog, just to joy ride around in. For the longest time I wanted a croch rocket, but not anymore. Just a hog. One loud, gasoline guzzling, bad ass road hog.

So saturday night. It was a very good night. Our neighbor was suppose to have aparty, but there was one person there besides the couple and my roomates. We went over anticipating having a beer, making our presence felt and then leaving and the next thing I know I had a few beers in me, a few more shots in my system and only god knows how many more beers. I remember bits and pieces, I didn’t do anything I was ashamed of … I think, and on top of that I had the best nights sleep ever. I woke up and my hands were bright red and a little sore. I think me and a few people played hot hands. That’s the game where you stick your hands out and you slap the holy bejesus out of the other persons. If you miss, you trade positions and do it until either players hands break, you get bored, or a tornado comes through the home. Anywho … to get on with it. It was a pretty good night.

I woke up and apparently I had bought The Fray’s "how to save a life" CD. It’s going to come with an autographed book and a special edition CD. Pretty shibby if you ask me and to know that I did it last night while I wasn’t in the right mindset makes it even better. I checked my bank account to make sure I didn’t order anything else stupid like blue blocker sun glasses. Hey, I saw the commercial and the fellow on TV said it would help me see straight and I figured … hell, I could use a pair of those right about now. Much to my surprise I didn’t order anything stupid, and I figured that CD is a good purchase.

Music is very moving for some people. It’s especially for me. I can relate to most things that were said, wether it’s a hard life, easy life, love, lost, confused, stressed, happy … it really doesn’t matter. The wide variety of music I can relate to and even more astonishing is the fact that specific songs, I can pinpoint specific points in my life. Some songs are so awesome and get my body full of a good sensation, others bring me down in 3 seconds flat. For example, Lifehouse Breathing. That song for some reason no matter what I’m doing, not matter how happy I am, it brings me to a point in my life where I’d rather be dead. That’s when I found about her, whom I once thought to be my one true love, was about to torture me. I read through my journal during that time period and I’ve never seen myself so low. I’ve never since experienced such pain and I hope I never will.

So I’m sitting here. Sunday night and today was a decent day I imagine. My car is sparkling clean. Well the inside anyways. The outside is going to rain so I am not even going to bother. The wax I used last time worked fantastic, accidentally left some on it a couple weeks ago and much to my surprise it wiped of pretty easily. As for the inside, it too is gorgeous. Betsie looks brand new and she smells of the day I first bought her. That …. that was a great day for me. April 9 2002. That was a great day. I remember I used 3 tanks of gas before the huge smile from ear to ear finally wore off, and the only reason it wore off because my muscles in my mouth were so sore. I was on cloud 9 and to some degree I still am. She’ll always be there waiting for me, and she’s helped me out tremendously as odd as that sound. How can a car hold so much value to someone? It’s easy. She’s there for me right now, whenenver I get mad, upset, frustrated … whatever … I can go for a drive. Driving … that’s a good escape from reality for me. I think it’s because driving, its one of the few things I can do that I have complete control over. Some would argue it’s point of control, but in my book it’s control.

I finished all of my homework too. I’m so stupid … but I don’t want to explain in any details the level of my ignorance. It’s there, trust me. I did finish all of my homework in my online class which was a pretty big burden. Again, it needed not be, but I made it into a huge ordeal. Hehe,Paul Tuttle, the main guy off of the show OCC, said he had such big shoulders because the weight of the world were on them for so long. My shoulders are broadening I noticed …

Anywho … homework finished. Projects up to date. I can officially be stress free right! Haha, I wish. I still have a few things left in the back of my mind. School, work, love, life. It’s all there much like everybody elses but it’s just sitting there…. playing kickball with my mind and my mind is the ball. Back and fourth it goes. We’ll see… tonight, if even for a minute. I won’t think about anything but the here and now and how great it is, and how much I’ve overcome to get here. Again … everybody else has overcome quite a bit to get where they are at, and for that I raise my liter of diet coke and propose a toast.

For a great yesterday, a greater today, and for an awesome tommorow
Cheers!

Diet coke never tasted any sweeter than it does tonight, in the here and now, with no stress, no worries … It’s a good feeling and hopefully everybody can take a minute out of their stress ridden lives and enjoy a nice cold diet coke, or whatever makes you tick.

Until the next tick in my life which may very well be tommorow’s entry, Have a great day everybody.

Take Care,
-kc

Currently listening:
Journey – Greatest Hits
By Journey
Release date: By 25 October, 1990

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

So little to do .. So much time
Current mood: calm

So little to do … So much time.

Latley I’ve been pretty busy at doing nothing really. I have a huge list of things that I needed to do, things that I wanted to do that it became somewhat overwhelming. Ok, so not really, it’s again my pessimistic outlook on everything but it’s gotten me where I am today so I’m not going to be too concerned about it.

Some of the many things that are on my to-do list. I need to finish my online homework. I started last week,well .. at least took a look at it and I spent over 5 hours on one chapter. I had 4 due by tommorow. Stupid me, I looked at the assignments wrong. Instead of doing 20 questions per chapter like I thought was asked, I only have to do 2. I know … overkill. But none the less it was good news even though I wasted alot of time on it. Bascially what that means is something that took me 4 hours to do, will only take me a half hour. So that’s one less stress I have to worry about for the next 8 weeks. I thought I was going to be swamped.

Another thing to add to the list is my project class. We are making a game and we need to get something going to get it done right, get it done properly and mostimportantly, we need to get it done so we have something to show to our employers.

Thats another thing that’s been burdening me. I am about to graduate and I have a fear that I won’t find a job in my field. Even if it’s not right away, just a job in general that’s somewhat related to my field. I don’t know .. again .. my pessimistic side showing.

But today has been good. I slept in until about noon and have been sitting on my butt ever since. I did shower, I did finish my first week’s work in class. Tommorow I think i’ll work on finishing the other two chapters in my online class, and as for today …. hehe … today I’m going to relax and just let my stresses work themselve out.

Until then. May god keep the wolves in the hills, and the women in our beds. hehe. Until then …

Take Care,
-kc

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Bless the broken road
Current mood: creative

So today was a good day. This weekend was really good actually. I finished everything I set out to do except clean my room. *shrugs* haha, who needs to clean their room? Not I!

/evil grin

Ok, so I do need to clean it. I have crap everywhere but what is a lonley bachelor to do? I dont’ really feel like cleaning it up. So yea .. .everything I set out to do. I finished my portfolio for my interview on Tuesday! So if I hadn’t mentioned it but I got an interview downtown for this programming job. Its so perfect for me, or at least how it was described to me, it sounded perfect! It’s a junior position using VB.net and also ASP.net which I’m more than fine with working with. I’m pretty stoked … I hope I get it. I hope it pays good. I hope it’s a good job …. o.0 hehe .. what? I can be picky.

So yea, all kinds of good stuff going on. I need to be up shortly to go to school so I’ll keep the rest brief. I have been listening to this song by Rascal Flatts and it’s stuck in my head. I think I’m going ot have to put it on repeat for the rest of the night! Oh well … funny that I have this song stuck in my head becuase the song name is bless the broken road. It’s funny becuase I’ve been working on a new OzweegoVille(If I get this job on tuesday i’m going to buy my domain back!) so my whole theme of the site is going to be motivational. My intro page(which I converted into a background) looks like this:

What do you think? I love the quote. It’s perfect for me. everybody can interpret it hwo they want which makes it so amazing. For me it means take a chance, or go nowhere. Something, even after 20 years of life, I’ve yet to learn, but need to. So there you have it … hopefully I’ll come back at you with more.

Until then …. try not to get lost

I set out on a narrow way many years agoHoping I would find true love along the broken roadBut I got lost a time or twoWiped my brow and kept pushing throughI couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to youEvery long lost dream lead me to where you areOthers who broke my heart they were like northern starsPointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is trueThat God blessed the broken roadThat led me straight to youI think about the years I spent just passing throughI’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to youBut you just smile and take my handYou’ve been there you understandIt’s all part of a grander plan that is coming trueEvery long lost dream lead me to where you areOthers who broke my heart they were like northern starsPointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is trueThat God blessed the broken roadThat led me straight to you

Take Care,
-kc

Currently listening:
Feels Like Today
By Rascal Flatts
Release date: By 28 September, 2004

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Say it ain’t so
Current mood: chipper

Oh yea, All right.
No, I’m not going to finish the song …. yet.

So I have alot of stuff running through my mind right now. Most of it’s positive. Some of it’s negative. Just the normal everyday occurances with me. Most of it’s mathmatical. Don’t believe me? Cut open my head, I’m sure a couple 1 and 0′s would fall out.

So yesterday was my first day back to school after my refreshing one day off for summer vacation. I know … I know. I’ve said it a million times, so I shall say it again for the millionth and one time! So yesterday was my first day back to school after my refreshing one day off for summer vacation. I feel energetic to get back into the swing of things. Such a long time without stress or homework was driving me mad!

Ok, so that’s sarcasim at it’s finest. There is some truth though, I already have homework. Yea, one day for summer vacation off, already have homework. I’ve got two 450 level classes and then I’ve got two 100 level classes so it’s a weird combination of homework. For example, I have to write a requirments document for a game by friday, which mind you usually takes a month or two. Then due on monday is our design document. I’m not looking forward to the days ahead but I’ll live. We pushed this on ourselves actually. See we need to finish our project ASAP, but the teacher still has to teach. Our previous classes didn’t turn out so well because we twiddled our thumbs for quite a while, now we are putting as I like to say "foot to ass" and getting something done. Which is great, I’m estatic. Oh, and for my level 100 class I have to compare and contrast two rocks. Yes rocks.

All and all I think my classes are going to go well. Just alot of busy work. I don’t need nor do I want, but I’m counting down the days to October. That’s when I would have raced my final mountain stage. That’s when I get the prize in which nobody in both sides of my family have ever done. By October, I would have obtained my Bachelors in Software Engineering. By October I will have obtained my Bachelors, a degree where quite a few students go in, but very few come out. My very first program director Dave once told me that alot of people go in, and very few come out, and if you ever want to see a funny site, go to the end of the tunnel and watch how frail, worn and tired they are. I never agreed with him until now. He was right, but then again, I dont’ have enough fingers or toes on my hands and feet where I didn’t believe someone was right, when all the while I was wrong.

Say it ain’t so ooo oooo! Your drug is a heartbreaker.
No, I’m not going to finish the song … yet

So I get a call last night. It was a pretty random call from this girl I dated a month or two back. Two incredible weeks I spent with her all for it to end with the whole "I’m not ready for a relationship". Well, if you’ve ever watched Hitch, both you and I(whoever you are) know, that means to "Try harder stupid", or it means "Go away now". So I tried harder and a week later I got the same response. This time however I went away. First I must say this woman is amazing. Gorgeous, funny, smart, ambitious but the only thing I knew from the word go was she didn’t know what she wanted.

So I get a call last night. Like I said, it was pretty random. I called her a while back but she never returned any of my calls so I just gave up on the situation. My phone is rining, I picked it up. It was her.We talked and then she gave me the whole I’m sorry I found somebody else speech and didn’t know how to tell me.

Ladies, why do you do this? I’m ok if I get this phone call if I just got done cheating on you, beating you, screwing you and leaving you. But I didn’t do any of these things. I treated her like a queen and yet I still get this call? I didn’t get it. She apologized to me, gave me the whole your a nice guy story and then the conversation ended and we both hung up. All the while she was talking I kept hearing what she said, but it was clouded with my own vivid thoughts as to what was really going on. Just be honest with me, that’s all I ask.

So I’m sitting there, alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Staring at my Corvette Poster. Staring at my fishtank, my movie collection, my foosball championship soccer trophy and couldn’t help but laugh. I couldn’t help but think about how my life is going to change and how everybody is going to be jumping on my bandwagon. I couldn’t help but to thank her for making this experience of forgetting her that much easier. It’s the truth, she showed her female side and to be frank, her female side I’ve seen a million times over with all the women I’ve ever dated. They are all the same, and until I find the one who’s side is equal to their normal side, she’ll be the one.

I laughed. I ended up cranking up my music and just falling asleep, peacefully. It was an excellent night’s sleep. I havn’t had one of those in such a long time. It was a deep sleep, it was such a deep sleep if we had a fire I probably would have been burned but I wouldn’t have minded, I would have kept sleeping for my comfort level wasn’t even on the comfort level meter.

It was magical. You know what else is magical? The washing machine … how can you put in brown socks and they come out white? That’s awesome, and I don’t care who you are, there is some wicked vodoo going on inside the washing machine. It’s crazy how clean that it gets your clothes.

Wow, that was random.

I really got to clean my room. Seriously. If I were to take a screenshot of my room you would probably laugh, or throw up. I have a ton of garbage on my desk, I’m trying to contend with the landfill mind you, and I can’t walk anywhere in my room because my clothes are everywhere. I just havn’t cared in the past month really to do much with myself or the room. I need to though. Things are back on the up and up like that silly game off the price is right. Where he sings "yoda le he yoda le he yoda la he whoooo" and is climbing the mountain. That guy is me! Seriously … buy TiVo and zoom into the guys face, you’ll see me. Look it up in the dictonary, guy singing "yoda le he yoda le he yoda la he whoooo" and you’ll see me.

Actually …. I’ll be singing weezer. So for those that are reading and that feel me, Put in Weezer, say it ain’t so and let it crank, much like I’m doing right now and sing at the top of your bloody lungs.HAHA. Here we go …..

Oh yeah.
All right.

SomebodyÂ’s heine is crowding my icebox.
SomebodyÂ’s cold one is giving me chills.
Guess IÂ’ll just close my eyes.

Oh yeah.
All right.
Feels good.
Inside.

Flip on the tele… wrestle with jimmy.
SomethinÂ’ is bubblinÂ’ behind my butt.
The bottle is ready to go.

Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
Your drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker.

I canÂ’t confront you, I never could do…
That which might hurt you.
Try and be cool, when I say:
This way is-a-waterslide-away-from-you-that-takes-you-futher-everyday!
Be cool.

Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
Your drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker!

Dear daddy, I write you in spite of fears of silence.
You cleaned up, found jesus, things are good also I hear.
This bottle of stevens awakens ancient feelings…
Like father, step-father…
The sone is drowning in the flood! yeah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah!

Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
You drug is a heartbreaker.
Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah.
My love is a life-taker.

Thats awesome. I love that song. Thanks to Mario and his band for singing it at my high school talent show. I remember I was like, damn that’s a good song. And I went home, downloaded it and sure enough, it was good. That felt good to have my music cranked up and to sing at the top of my lungs.

That’s enough for now. Have an awesome day everybody
Take Care,
-kc

Say it ainÂ’t so a-woah-a-woah, My love is a life-taker………….

Currently listening:
Say it ain’t so
By Weezer
Release date: By 28 December, 1999

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Yea, I’m feeling you
Current mood: blank

So I wake up this morning, tired like usual. Monday was my only day off for summer vacation and it didn’t feel much like a vacation. It was awesome because I have weekends off. Seriously, it’s worth it’s weight in gold having time to just sit in my underwear playing leisure suit larry. Ok, so I don’t do that, god, that game is dumb haha, anyways, I can’t play in my underwear because of *coughs* do I even have to mention my problem? Hopefully not.

But anyways … I wake up early, tired and somewhat cranky. I go to my car and this woman caught my eye. Gorgeous. She sat in her car and of course I stared and she just sat there. She looked down and then let out the biggest yawn I’ve ever seen. It was like 5 minutes long. I was thinking, haha, yea I feel that. hehe, I yawn even now. I’m pretty tired, pretty burned out but all is going so well right now. I think once this term is done my world will be diffrent mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Sound weird? Probably becuase it is, but I’m pretty stoked at getting out of college and back to a set schedule doing regular people things. My free time is becoming more evident but it’s still few and far between so it’s … bleh. I dont’ even know what I’m talking about now so I’m going to jet.

Have a good day all.

-kc

Currently Playing:
Battlefield 2
Release date: By 21 June, 2005

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Saturday, July 30, 2005

O Alcohol, I still drink to your health!
Current mood: chipper

Alcohol, my permanent accessory
Alcohol, a party-time necessity
Alcohol, alternative to feeling like yourself
O Alcohol, I still drink to your health

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Forget the cafe latte, screw the raspberry iced tea
A Malibu and Coke for you, a G&T for me
Alcohol, Your songs resolve like
my life never will
When someone else is picking up the bill

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I’ll use something else

I thought that Alcohol was just for those with
nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk
was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there’s a time
and there’s a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between
self-control and self-abuse

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore that you
found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I’ll use something else.

Would you please forgive me
Barenaked Ladies ~ Alcohol
————————————————————————

Wow. Last night was alot of fun. What can be better than friends, video games, alcohol, pizza, more video games and more alcohol?

Nothing. You got it.

Last night I get off of work to come home to a pizza/booze filled household and buddies whom hands were occupied with xbox controllers. Sweet. That’s like the best right there. It doesn’t hurt either it was the best day in the last week for me.

I can’t believe I made it!

I’m so relieved. I was the only one in my compiler and interpreter class to get a perfect grade on my project! Also in my other class our project was suppose to be individual but we ended up turning it into a group/class assignment so that class, aced it. BOOM BABY!!!!!! My creative and critical thinking class I was suppose to do a 10 page paper and I did my paper. Only thing though it was 10 pages double spaced so my paper ended up being 20 pages. Hehe, it was funny … and I was relieved. So I had BETTER get straight A’s again. I NEED straight A’s. Hehe, I only say that because I want to graduate with honors at my graduation. I think I have a 3.9ish something after this term. I hope that I can keep it up, I know I can. If I can get pass this week, I have no doubts at all. Graduation with honors! WOOO HOOOOO!

So yea, friday night was cool. I stayed up until 3am and I don’t really remember going to bed. All I know is it was so freakin hot that I was in my skibbies when I woke up. The house was empty, so I took a shower and got ready to get out of the house. Mind you it was like 2ish when I woke up, probably why it was so hot. hehe, yea I know what your thinking but hey, I could sleep 24 days straight as long as I have music playing and a dark room. I gotta have some sort of ruckus while I sleep. If it’s soo quiet that I can hear my heart beat, well then I’ll stay up counting hearbeats and imaginary sheep. Anyways, after I got up and got ready I went for a two hour long drive in circles. I stopped at hollywood video for some reason(I was trying to get to blockbuster but spaced out) which is odd becuase I ran into an awesome friend of mine. Harry. He is in the military and was a tank commander. Actually, he is a tank commander. They called him back into the military. Oh the stories he told us! He had us cracking up and furthermore he had us re-think our ideas and thoughts on alot of things. He’s a great guy. Even weirder is he had a 7 year old daughter when he was 20. Yea, do the math … I too was in disbelief. But he’s such an awesome guy and I hope he makes it back from IRAQ alright. He just got back from retraining I guess, he hadn’t seen his new baby since and he’s getting married. I got to meet his fiance which she seems super cool so definetly … I’m stoked for him.

Why is it everybody has found love excet me? Dane cook is right when he talks about L-O-V-E and the analogy he gives.He says love is like a party and everybody that has love is invited to it, while you, the only one not in love, are stuck walking home, in the rain while there is a huge party going on. The people inside the party are all pissed off and what to leave and go to other parties. Hehe, it’s funny … you should buy the CD, retaliation. It’s good …

So after I got out of hollywood video I went to a pawn shop and bought 4 dvd’s for 4 bucks apiece. I bought city of angels. I LOVE that movie. I also got philedelphia(never seen it but it has denzel washington and tom hanks so I figured it’d be good, and for 4 bucks?) I got a knights tale, again .. a great movie that I havn’t seen in a while and also US Marshals. Good stuff. 4 bucks apiece makes it GREAT stuff.

I got better news today too. I have an extra month to sa eup money so I bought 2 diet cokes, almond joys, cream cheese and beagles. MAN, it’s so tasty. It was awesome … so that got me up through about 5 oclock. After that I played battle field 2 ALL DAY long! It was awesome, my day was a blur but that’ sok, because I have all day tommorow to do ABSOLUTLEY BLOODY NOTHING! Muwhwhwhwahwhwahahahahaahahah. I can’t wait to do absolutley nothing tommorow! I love having weekends off! it’s literally worth it’s weight in god. hehe … gold … god too I imagine. Funny story about that GOD schpeel the other day but I won’t go into it. I’m getting tired and I need to get ready for tommorow and my nothingness. Ahhh, it’s good and I can’t believe I got this far. I’m alive and I flippin WON!

Yes! Good times …

Anywho … beer, pizza, video games, buddies, how fucking cool is that? Yea, I thought so too … I am still in disbelief with how many monkeys have been stripped away off my back this last week. Talk to me a week ago and I wanted to lay down and rot and now I got crap to do and I don’t have enough time to lay down and rot!

LaterZ everybody!
-kc

Currently listening:
Retaliation
By Dane Cook
Release date: By 26 July, 2005

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Saturday, October 01, 2005

My days are numbered

My days here on myspace are numbered. I finally got my domain back at www.ozweegoville.com after a long ethical battle. It’s a long story but basically my last hosting service tried to charge me a ridiculous amount to get my domain back only to find out they were just trying to scam me, or so it seems. Anyways … if I stop posting … you’ll know why, i’m home!

Anyways, my days at school are pretty numbered as well … so we’ll see how that goes. Wow, i’mt ired and I have alot of homework to do tommorow. I think I’ll leave it at that.

Have an awesome day.

-kc

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Well it’s love, it’s love, it’s love. Make it hurt, I deserve it
Current mood: content
Category: Blogging

So today was a rather intresting day. Heck, this whole week has been rather intresting to say the least. My doctors appointment that I was so scared of went pretty good! Well … in all honesty it didn’t go at all. I showed up, had like 5 pints of blood drawn only for them to tell me that because I’m 21 I no longer have insurance. To make a long story short my family waited until the last second to fill out my insurance info and well, now it’s to late so if I have to go the the doctor for any reason it’ll be out of my own pocket. At first I was a little scared, but then I realised that I’m as healthy as a horse and even if I did have to go to the doctors it wouldn’t matter, last time I was dieing and needed meds I had to pay for everything out of pocket becuase my insurance wasn’t accepted anywhere anyways which did me a whole lot of good.

Also I got a pretty big return from my school loans and so now I’m not so scared financially as I was a few days ago which definetly helps. Money stresses me out, both being rich and poor and I know, I’ve been on both spectrums. And lets face it, I’m a materialistic person.

Getting back to today. It was definetly a roller coaster. First and foremost right now my eyes are literally popping out of my head. Owwwww! Typing the letter p really hurts. I must have gotten nervous and chewed my pinky nail too short! gross … anyways, getting back to my weird day. I got 4 hours of sleep the night before only to drive home at 2 last night in the morning. How I made it home is beyond me. I was/am so tired. When I woek up twelve hours later I felt like crap. I took a shower and still feeling like crap I went to grab something to eat. I went to wendy’s, got their baked potatoe and chicken sandwhich and decieded it would be in my best intrest to come home and just rest. So I did … and I did so while watching austin powers. It was a good relaxing time for me and before I went to work I was actually feeling pretty good. Now … now I’m just so so tired.

I don’t know if I can describe what I’m thinking right now. Meand lauren have been talking so much latley and I can’t help but to think about what she did to me. Shes done alot of damage. Because of her I don’t really respect women anymore. Because of her women seem to be just women and nothing more to me. Crazy after such a long time I still love her. She calls me all the time just to let me know she’s thinking of me and I wonder why? Are we good friends or what? Nobody calls me that often … nobody. I just wish I could know what she was thinking, I think that would help me out tremendously. So yea .. I;m confused. One thing though … In my honest, humble opinon, ladies that wear live strong braclets, their hotness factor go up instantly 2 points on a scale of 1-10 Where that came from have no idea …

I’m tired. With this project I’ve been working on I havnt been getting any real decent sleep as of late. We are suppose to present it this weekend to the international game developers confrence so we;ll see. It was my impression that they were just goingto demo it out in front of everybody but from what I hear we are actually going to have to present it. *doh* I don;t know .. we’ll see. This weekend …

Females, money, sleep, food, music … allof which have been on my mind 24/7 the past few weeks. I’m so glad that school is almost done. Maybe I can get my life back on track. Think about everything that’s come and pass the last three years that I’ve been blindfolded to the world given my time in college. Hell, I’ll settle for having a clean bedroom. So I think i;m going to bed. My pinky hurts(my fault I know). I’m tired and stressed(again my fault) and I can’t talk. lol, ok I can but my throat is raw. Taking Back Sunday has been in my CD player and this song, bonus mosh II I can’t get out of my freakin head. I’ve screamed louder now! I can’t scream anymore! The end chorus is my favorite, heck, the whole song is my favorite but mostly just the end … awesome lyrics. awesome band.

good stuff.

Peace, I’m outta here to go listen to this song once more ….

-me

—————————————————————

So scream, I heard about your message,
And how it reeks of your indifference,
It bleeds horizontal straight from your wrists.
(So scream louder now)
I’m bound to come around about,
(I’m bound to come around)
Well can’t you, can’t you feel it,
Rollin’ off your lips, tensing up your shoulders,
Come on, say it

Well it’s love (It’s love)
Make it hurt (I deserve it)
Well it’s love (It’s love)
Make it hurt (I deserve it)
Well it’s love, it’s love, it’s love.
Make it hurt.

I said I used the inconsistencies to undress the machine,
Your the poster boy,
The selling point,
The focus for the new campaign,
(Something has to be done)
I’m bound to come around about,
(I’m bound to come around)
Can’t you, can’t you feel it,
Rollin’ off your lips, tensing up your shoulders,
Come on…

Well it’s love (It’s love)
Make it hurt (I deserve it)
Well it’s love (It’s love)
Make it hurt (I deserve it)
Well it’s love, it’s love, it’s love.
Make it hurt.

The keys to the castle (are right where I left them)
The princess walked in just to take more attention,
‘Cause after all, well isn’t that all that I’ve been after,
And after all, well isn’t that all that I’m after,
Your so…

(No way out) I give up in you, I give up in you,
(No way out) I give up in you.
(No way out) Well I give up in you, I give up in you,
(No way out) I give up in you.

I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
If that’s what you wanted to hear,
(Well if that’s what you wanted to hear)
I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
(Don’t leave, leave) If that’s what you wanted to hear,
(If that’s what you wanted to hear)
I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
(Don’t leave, leave) If that’s what you wanted to hear,
(If that’s what you wanted toÂ…)
(It’s love, it’s love) I wanted you for nothing more,
(Make it hurt, I deserve it) Than hating you for what you were,
(If that’s what you wanted to hear)
That’s what you wanted to hear,
(To hear) That’s what you wanted to hear.
(If that is how we let it burn.)

Currently listening:
Tell All Your Friends
By Taking Back Sunday
Release date: By 26 March, 2002

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I will buy you a garden
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Blogging

So it’s going for two in the morning and I think the only thing that’s keeping me awake right now is this panic button my mind keeps pressing every two seconds. Like an alarm that just won’t shut up it keeps my eyes open. For how long I wonder? That I don’t know. But I’m deifnetly tired. I woke up intentionally late this morning.

Why you ask?

Latley I’ve been getting alot of attention in class for all my hard work I’ve put into the our senior project. People actually are waiting for me to come in to see what I’ve added, what feature and bugs I’ve created. The other day when I came into class everybody was just standing around and when I showed up the teacher was like, ok, now that kc’s here the project and move on! For once I felt needed and it was good, like my ideas and my pensmenship in my work was appreciated. So many people rely on me and my work but the great thing is I rely on so many other people and their work to get through. It’s one big symbiatic relationship that we have and it feels really good being in an environement. Perhaps it’s because I feel wanted, I feel apprecaited that my wasted time on this stupid laptop is going to good use. What if I wasn’t behind my computer 24/7. I began to wonder what I’d be doing and I honeslty don’t know.

I think that reason and that reason alone is why I’m so nervous on going full time at work. If I work early mornings I’ll be super busy and not get anything done, but my day will go by quickly. If I work at night, I won’t have anything to do. Or will I? I don’t know … we’ll see. I’m pretty nervous, but not so much anymore actually. I got a check back from my tuition payments and it’s been determined that I’ll get to pocket a good portion of it, while the rest goes to paying off my car. Not only will that be 300 bucks less I have to pay for my car, but also another 100 dollars off my insurance. It’s official. Betsie is mine. I’ve longed for this day for a while now and it came alot quicker than I anticipated. Not that I’m complaining, my most prized possession, the one whom is most symbolic of me will be offically mine. Officially! I don’t know why, but I’m excited. I’m still on coud 9 …

So yea, at least for the next few weeks I won’t have to worry about money. Which will be nice. My mind won’t be clouded with negative thoughts and unneeded stress. I will buy you a garden where your flowers can bloom, I will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new. Basically a song written about a woman who dumped him for a man who was more wealthier than he. Women. pfff. Anyways … It’ll be a good next few couple of weeks … that is if I can get through the rest of today.

My panic button is still going off … but the more I write, the more sleepy I get. The panic button is still there but it’s slowly diminishing. This button is only lodged into my mind because tommorow is my appointment. 10am. Bleh. meaning I have to wake up super duper early to get there and yet for what? For whom? Not for me … I’ve got my nyquil handy so I don’t have my panic attack when I enter. It’s all a mind game, but when I start to panic, it seems much more to me then just a game. I can’t wait for tommorow to be over with. I was debating on wearing a shirt that says stupidity causes cancer but figured I’d better not. Although I have every right to wear such a t-shirt I figured I might as welll respect the living. So yea, I need tommorow to be over with. Well .. not all of tommorow. There is still a ton left to do on my project and not enough time left for me to do most of it. Apparently there is an International Game Developers Confrence on Oct 1st and they want us to show the game we’ve been making in class. How cool is that? I hope all goes well … maybe I can rub shoulders with some big wigs? haha, who knows …all I know is tommorow i’ll be the kid in the cancer clinic pounding away on his keyboard trying to get my crap done. All I know is I’ll be that crazy kid pounding away on his air drums going 110mph with his vette. hahahahaha. I can’t wait.

I just have to survive tommorow.

-kc

Currently listening:
I Will Buy You a New Life
By Everclear
Release date: By 18 August, 1998

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Be my baby, I’ll look after you
Current mood: accomplished

It’s going for one oclock, which is a good thing I’d imagine. It means I’m that much closer to ending the day. The day starting at 7am and ending at about 1:30am. Crazy isn’t it? College. It was funny. I was walking through the parking lot and I saw one of the new students in my degree sleeping in his car.

I laughed.

I did that too when I first started. I did that too when I was only getting 5 hours of sleep at night. The last 8 months, a year or so has been pretty easy on me but starting out it was pretty rough. I just can’t believe how quickly it’ll all be over with … officially 6 more days of class left. In my project class I can easily use that time plus some but the others, the time isn’t going by fast enough. It also helps now that I’m a little bit more rested. As far fetched as it sounds I don’t think my body has recovered working 60 hour weeks and going to school full time when I first started here. Going to school in the morning, getting off at midnight and then framing during the christmas season. I think that it was good mentally to get my mind off my family. It’s not everyday a 17 year old gets thrown out to the wolves … but getting back to the point, I don’t think my body has recovered. Before, I could easily get only 5 hours of sleep a night and be cured of any problems I had … now … 10 hours minimum. I dunno … Hopefully life will become sane again when I go fulltime at work and not have to go to school. It’ll be nice making more money too … money never hurts.

So right now everybody is all outside at the dunking booth. Poor teachers. Pure hell … they filled up the tank about an hour ago … with regular garden hose water no less. I’m sure that water is frigid and no fun at all. Doesn’t help either that the weather is overcast. Oh well … everybody participating are troopers, doing it for a good cause. The relief effort for the hurricane. I suppose I’m nieve to the amount of damage it did. 50 billion the governemnt is spending to reconstruct, plus all the money donated elsewhere … wow. tons and tons of money and yet if I survive the month I’ll be thrilled, now some of these people are getting new houses … Oh well. I’m jealous I suppose.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me latley either. I mean seriously ..I’ve been a jerk. I was at walmart the other day and this lady with her kids came by. Her kids(notice the S … it’s silent but it’s there meaning plural … multiple kids) came crawling on my leg. My brain thinks about about 500000000 lightyears a second so on tick(a programming term ) #1 my first instinct that came naturally to me was to go into a fit of rage and kick the living bajesus out of them. How dare they climb on my leg! Then on the second pass … tick#2 for those keeping track … I went to regular kc mode. You know .. the mode where I want to rip somebody’s heart out but the only emotion that comes out is … hey … stop climbing on me please but it was never really said. Third pass … tick #3 … just to look down. I shot the mom a look but I seriously wanted to scream bloody murder at these kids. I hate … *grumbles* ok, I don’t hate, I just very very very very very much dislike kids. The little bastards, and I mean that in a non-literal sense.
So yea … I’m ready for school to be done. Just today I imagine. I’m really nervous about graduating and quite a bit of other things. We’ll see how my fairy tale turns out but for now, I have to get back to class. I can almost guarentee I’ll be writing more thoughts again tonight as I’ll be surley bored up until midnight.

Take Care all,
-kc

———————————————————————–

Artist: Fray (The)
Album: How To Save A Life
Year: 2005
Title: Look After You

If I don’t say this now
I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one
I want to take
Forgive the urgency but
hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh be my baby
Oh, oh, oh I’ll look after you

There now, steady love
so few come and don’t go
Will you won’t you
be the one I always know
When I’m losing control
the city spins around
You’re the only one
who knows you slow it down

Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh be my baby
Oh, oh, oh I’ll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love, she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh be my baby
Oh, oh, oh I’ll look after you

It’s always have and never hold
You’ve begun to feel like home
What’s mine is yours to leave or take
What’s mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh be my baby
Oh, oh, oh I’ll look after you

Currently listening:
How To Save A Life
By The Fray
Release date: By 13 September, 2005

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

It’s official I hate firefox, oh … and I’m 21
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging

So this weekend was my 21st birthday. It was definetly awesome, I ate some excellent food and was in excellent company. I was going to write all about it but I decieded I’d better not. This one is for the record books and I figured I’d let a few pictures share my experience. Haha, good times indeed.

Another reason why I wasn’t going to post so much is I actually did go into just a tiny bit more detail in my previous blog, but oh wait … firefox AGAIN crashed. Yea, I’m tired of firefox already. Sure it’s got some neat features like tabbing, google search bar and such, but AGAIN? Third times a charm right? Well if it is then … well I’ll be. It should let me post

Oh, and I’m incredibly, incredibly close to getting my domain name back. I won’t share it with you quite yet because I don’t want you punks to steal it! *muahahahahaha* Man … there is alot of stuff that I’d like to do. Get my domain name back, get my website going again and play some more video games like BF2, and WoW. Of course … check out the new games as well. We’ll see ….

Were watching City of Angels right now. It’s such a great movie. It’s like the modern day Romeo and Juliet, except a million times better. It’s the only chick flick that I’ll ever admit to watching, and more importantly the only chick flick I’ll ever admit to liking.

"I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. "

I’m tired. I think I’ll leave it at that

-kc

Currently watching:
City of Angels
Release date: By 14 September, 2004

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Roofless like the coupe, but I come with more features
Current mood: calm

You gon be that next chump to end up in the trunk

After bein hit by the pump, is that whut you want?

Be easy nigga, I’ll lay your ass out

Believe me nigga, thats whut I’m about, gangsta

You could find a nigga sittin on chrome

Hit the clutch, hit the gear, hit the gas & I’m gone

So I’m at work. Debating whether or not I should even write this blog entry. I figure I would so it’ll help pass this last hour. It’s soooo stinking slow. Not that I’m complain it’s just that I’d much rather be at home doing nothing than at work doing nothing. Time seems to fly much faster when your in the comfort of your own home, own boxers, own nakedness you know?

Anywho … I’v been compiling a list of music that I want for my first trip in my Vette. I can feel that my day with my tinkerbell is getting closer as each day passes. I still havn’t heard anything back from this company but I have high hopes that something good will come out of it. If not, oh well, I’ll jump on board the next comapny that comes my way. Either way, job or not, soon enough I’ll have my baby. I think then and only then can I die a happy man. Call me materialistic and you’d be right, It’s been my childhood dream it seems since I was born. But anywho .. back to the point, I’ve had some good music I’ll be putting on these CD’s. Offspring, 50 Cent, 3 Doors Down. Lots of good stuff, I’m going to make it 2 artists limit so I get a good mixture. *sighs* so many choices!

Don’t f00k with a mans dream. That’s all I gotta say. *shakes fist at GOD*

So yea, my B-Day is coming up this Friday. I dunno what the heck I’m going to do. All I know is I aint’ gotta do jack diddly which makes my day that much better. If I can drag myself out of bed I am actually planning on going to the aquaruim if all goes well. I’m also hopefully getting a couple friends to go out to eat, maybe explore my new found freedom, buy some alcoholic beverages and sleep the night away. Sounds good to me. Calm, quiet, uneventful. Predictable. Just like I like it. We’ll see though.

A few days ago my mother called me. Instead of saying "Hey casey, I love you, just wanted to talk". You know what she says? "Hey casey, you need to call me back ASAP so we can get your doctors appointment ready". Yea, just what I flippin wanted to hear. Yea, I love you too mom … When will she ever learn that the more she brings up doctors, appointments and this whole ordeal the less I want to talk to them. Furthermore they expect me to take time out of MY day to go to a doctors appointment I could give a rats @$$ about. A yearly checkup, optional, not required. I understand they’ve invested alot of time, emotion into me to see me fall out of remission but come on … I hate doctors, I hate hospitals. If I have some coodies, just let me go. Speaking of which, there is a song called tommorow by ninth hour which is incredibly hard to find by the way, but if I die, that’s the song I want played at my funeral. But anyways … my folks get all pissy at me because I get all pissy at them. I hate talking about appointments, let me back to a hospital when I’m ready. Even if it takes me a few years … let me go back on my own terms. The past few years I’ve gotten extremley better because I really don’t care what happens anymore, but I still need medication as weird as that sounds everytime I go back. I usually take some anti-panic pills aka NyQuil to knock me out so I don’t have to deal with the doctors. I hate waiting in the waiting room. I hate sitting on the stupid bed that has a butcher strip of paper laid down. I hate staring at the gloves never knowing where they are going to be going. I’m not afraid of people looking at my body anymore, I’m not self-concious, I don’t think I’m overly large anymore so if a lady tells me to drop my drawers in a medical regards, by all means, I’ll do it. But sitting there … waiting …. thinking …. it’s the worst. I hate it, my mind plays all kinds of horrible jokes on me. I have flashbacks when my pickline in my arm and chest were put in, the time my vein exploded when the doctor poked me to hard. Man … I could go on … the gallons of barium I’ve had to drink, Spinal taps. So much … and although they make me cough, tell me what I already know that I’m healthy and let me be on my way, it’s BS. I hate it. It’ll be better though if I go to a diffrent enviornment, a diffrent hopsital. They want me to go here .. in denver which is a surprise. Usually Im’ required by my insurance comapny to go to a specific specialist in texas, but they allowed me to stay in denver… which is cool I guess. I always wanted to go alone so I could tell the doctors exactly my mindset. Perhaps they could relate myself with other patiens. I dunno … I hate hospitals. I hate doctors and I get all freaked out by it all. What can I say?

We were talking today about having children and sick kids. I couldn’t even imagine being married, nor could I ever imagnie myself ever having a family but if in the weird strange coincidance(sp?) I did I couldn’t imagine raising a kid that had a weird disease. Or worse … cancer. *sigh* I dont’ know how my parents did it, staying up with me 90f the time. Paying for bills, the stress involved. I give my parents alot of credit. I probably wouldn’t have made it 1/100th of what my parents went through with me. I think that and that reason alone is why I don’t tell the nurse to just sign the paperwork and let me leave. I think that reason alone is why I go to these stupid appointments. For my mom, she’d be a wreck if I didn’t go and I owe her far to much to put that stress on her. Deep down though, I don’t know how much more of these appointments I can handle … one of these days it has to end right?

So anyways …

My project at school is going… well it’s going frickin awesome! I’m really impressed and I think everybody actually is impressed. We got about 90f it done and for the most part it’s pretty polished. It actually looks presentable and I’m very satisfied with the outcome. I hope my future employers will be equally satisfied. I have no doubts though. I’m still hoping I get this job though. I’d be 21 with a bachelors making quite a bit of money right out of college.

Could a fairy tale be written any better? Perhaps … but If I can’t do it, then it can’t be done.

I think I’m done rambling, venting, whatever the heck you call it and now it’s time to leave you with my Man 50 Cent to take me through the next ten minutes until my shift ends … and to 50 cent who will have this song on my First cd played in my vette … Haha, with that notion I’ll bid you ado. And as my buddies Nuymen in Australlia tells me every night … Cheers Mate!

If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
I apply pressure to pussies that stuntin I pop
Stand alone squeezin my pistol I’m sure that I gotta
Now Peter Piper picked peppers but Run rocked rhymes
I’m 50 Cent, I write a lil bit but I pop nines
Tell niggaz, "Get they money right," cuz I got mine
And I’m around quit playin nigga you can’t shine
You gon be that next chump to end up in the trunk
After bein hit by the pump, is that whut you want?
Be easy nigga, I’ll lay your ass out
Believe me nigga, thats whut I’m about, gangsta
You could find a nigga sittin on chrome
Hit the clutch, hit the gear, hit the gas & I’m gone (Yea!)

[Hook: 50 Cent]
If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

[Verse 2: 50 Cent (Dr Dre)]
I’m down for the action, he smart with his mouth so smack em
You holdin a strap, he might come back so clap em
React like a gangsta, die like a gangsta for actin
Cuz you’ll get hit & homicide’ll be askin, "Whut happened?"
OH NO look who clapped em with the FO’FO’
20 inch rims sitting on Lo Pros
Eastside, Westside niggaz know, yo, i’m loco
Even my mama said, "Something really wrong with my brain"
Niggaz don’t rob me they know I’m down to die for my chain
G-UNIT! We get it poppin in the hood
G-UNIT! Muthafucka whuts good?
I’m waitin on niggaz to act like they dont know how to act
I had a sip of too much Jack, I’ll blow em off the map
With the mack, thinkin its all rap
Til that ass get clapped and Doc say "It’s a wrap"

(It’s a wrap, nigga)

[Hook: 50 Cent]
If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

[Verse 3: 50 Cent]
I been feelin i had to teach lessons to slow learners
Go head act up, get smacked in the head with the burner
I dont fight fair, I’m dirty-dirty
I’m from Southside Jamaica, Queens, nigga ya’heard me?
When streetlights come on niggaz blast the nines
Get locked up, they read books to pass the time
In the game there’s up’s and down’s, so I stay on the grind
Niggaz on my dick more than my bitch, I stay on they mind
They aint nothin they could do to stop my shine
This is God’s plan homey, this ain’t mine
I played the music loud so Grandpa called me a nuisance
And Grandma; who always gotta throw in her two cents
I’m the drop out who made more more money than these teachers
Roofless/Ruthless like the Coupe but I come with more features
I am whut I am, you could like it or love it
It feels good to pull 50 grand & think nothin of it
Fuck it

[Hook: 50 Cent]
If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

If I can’t do it, homie, it can’t be done
Now I’ma let the champagne bottle pop
I’ma take it to the top
Fo sho I’ma make it hot, baby (baby)

Uh huh, hood make it hot
Dr Dre, Aftermath
Shady, ha ha

Currently listening:
If I Can’t/Poppin’ Them Thangs
By 50 Cent
Release date: By 16 March, 2004

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

Someone said it’s alright
Current mood: satisfied

Someone said it’s all right
Save it now, don’t say it for my sake
Someone said it’s all right
Faster now, you know I got no brakes
It’s a Saturday night. Actually it’s Sunday morning and I’m here sitting watching a movie. This seems like my normal routine on these Saturday nights, watching movies, just relaxing and being a bum. That sounds negative but in all actuality it’s not. I’m sure most would say that’s boring, but with my hectic lifestyle right now it’s a relief. Definetly a relief, and if I thought my life couldn’t get any more insane it’s about to be taken outside and beaten to a bloody pulp. Your probably saying, how can your life be so hectic, your online 24/7. Well, you’d be correct, I’m behind my laptop all day much like ladies are on their phones. But my life is really hectic, I promise. For the next few weeks I was asked at work to work extra shifts. They have alot of new hires working at night and they need some guys to help answer their questions. Bleh. Whatever, it’s more money and right now I could use it and also I would imagine I should be flattered that they came to me first. Either that or they are making me their chump. *grumbles*

I’ve been grumbling alot latley. Mostly at myself, mostly at some of the choices I’ve made, Mostly I just grumble at grumbling about the choices I’ve made to get where I am today. Where am I today you ask? I’m 3 weeks away from graduating with my bachelors and scared out of my bloody mind, I’m 700 miles away from my hometown, friends, family and long lost memories. I’m 60,000 dollars in debt with my car/college and various other bills. 5 fish have died since I’ve had my tank. I’ve got a horrible job. Broke(well .. not really, I’ve already explained my reasoning in an earlier blog)

Lay awake
I don’t give a shit
If I even ever wake up in the morning
Down below
There’s a pile of sin
Always waiting for a
Waiting for a warning

Overall I’m extremely happy even though it doesn’t appear that way on the surface. Why you ask? I’m not looking at today, I’m looking toward the future. I’m looking forward to a full time job, one in my career field. One that can pay for my goals, my ambitions. All of which I’ve worked so very hard for up until this point. All of which I’ve sacrificed up to this point will soon be overshadowed by a good future. One that I’ve earned.

I’ve paid my dues. I’ve paid not only my dues, I’ve paid your dues and probably a few of your roomates as well.

I’ve been a cocky bastard as of late though. I gotta admit … I’ve had my moments where I’m driving Betsy around, staring through the sunroof to the high heavens above and when I look back down I’m in an entirely diffrent environment. I’m in tinker, my vette and she’s taken me to never never land.

Fuses glow
Wounds festering
Till the wind comes up
And takes it to the last pow
Back and forth
Staring at the wall
This room’s a cage
I know that something’s got to give now

It’s all in my mind. It’s all in my dreams … it’s a good feeling though. One of these days my mind, my dreams will all become reality.

The only thing that will be missing is Lauren. Fuck her. I always invisiioned the women of my dreams riding along beside me, piggybacking on my dreams but I’ve made sacrifices up unitl this point and I’ll replace a women in my dream for a poodle if I have to. Poodles I hear have a princess attitude about them.

Wow, reading back over that I sound like a terrible person. I probably am but I have my reasons.

Blade is the movie of choice right now. Actually Blade 2. The first one I watched a few days ago so I decieded, what the hell. Can I make this a trilogy night? haha, probably not, I’m not really coheriant right now anyways to even finish this one.

So today .. today was an intresting day. I woke up with the sun in my eyes. Enough. I’ve had enough … I decieded to move my bed to a more sleep friendly position. I was burned in stripes today, I looked like pepermint when the sun and my blinds were through with me. No more! haha, I’ve outsmarted you yet again sun!

I also washed my Betsy girl today. She was very long overdue. Last week I got her oil changed and also her airfilter changed. I’ve invested alot of time and money in her but I can honestly say she’s returned them 100 fold. What am I going to do when I get my vette? Oh baby! I don’t even know …

Today I was reading an article here http://motortrend.com/roadtests/coupe/112_0504_flightclub/ how top gun pilots drove these vehicles and how they compare driving an f-18 fighter jet compared to driving a corvette. It’s so awesome … and I can’t even wait until I get mine. One of these damn days ….

It’s so funny the things that run through my head. 99f the time I’m thinking about something to write down, my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas but out of them all only a very tiny percentage actually make it here. I have no doubts that before my eyes close for the last time tonight, before my head hits the pillow of my bed and before my sweet sweet dreams of 180mph down an empty highway in my vette, I will have realised that I forgot something.

I would have realised that right now my life has no brakes, and for that reason alone I’m loving every second of it.

Currently watching:
Blade II (New Line Platinum Series)
Release date: By 07 October, 2003

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Swing life away
Current mood: determined

I was coming home tonight, it was dark as usual. I was tired … as usual and there I found myself just lost in my own little world. Just drifting, off in my own little world. Without thinking I got off on my exit and I was surprised, it was actually the right one. How can that be? I’ve only driven this route not even a week and yet its as if I know these roads like the back of my hand.

Of course my music is blaring. The Offspring. A guy with his girlfriend pulled up next to me and started revving his engine at me and I took a second glance. A honda civic with a muffler that sounded as if my 3 year old cousin just put a baseball card in it’s spokes. How pathetic. His revving got louder and louder and then he starts to laugh, obviously trying to impress his girlfriend. I kept my composure, debating on just letting loose the accelerator or roll up my windows. I was debating on making the decesion when betsie made it for me. She dropped to a lower gear and as soon as I felt it I let her rip. It was all down hill from there. 45 .. 55 .. 65 … 75 .. 85 … 95 … don’t make me do it. I hate breaking 100. *sigh* Broken. Out of nowhere these lights come up behind me swerve around me and pulls up right next to me. I look to my right and I about had a heart attack. No, not a cop … a 15 year old kid, or so he looked with his grandfather in the passanger seat all buckled in just enjoying the ride going 100mph in a brand new 2005 porsche boxer. A few minutes pass and the honda drops out of view. It’s just me and the boxer going 100mph. A few more minutes pass and I drop out of view from the boxer after he exceeded 110 for quite some time. No way was I getting a speeding ticket doing 100 in a construction zone. No way was I going to die tonight while not wearing a seatbelt next to a 15 year old driver with a $70k car. By the time my brain took over the basic functionality of my body from my adrenaline my hands were shaking, my heart was pounding. Never again am I doing that but I did realise a few things tonight.

To the guy driving the Honda. No woman is worth damaging what you feel is your beloved which you call your car. Also …. never toy with a man when his pride is on the line because when his back is to the wall he may just bite back and embarress you in front of your lady.

To the kid in the porsche. Come back when you’ve actually earned your grandad’s car and when I’ve earned my vette, and then I’ll show you a good ole fashioned american ass whopping..

Needless to say it was a damn good drive home. Only now has my hands stopped shaking. I was scared. When I saw those lights I wanted to pee my pants, I thought it was cops. I actually did wet myself when I saw it was some smuck driving his grandad’s car and the strange thing was the grandad wasn’t even concerned with the kids speed! Whatever ….

I’m glad I decieded to go for it now that I’m safe at home. I must have gotten easily 45 miles to the gallon with that run. MPG is crucial to me right now, espcially now that my trip round trip is 120 miles to work/school.

I’m somewhat concerned financially. Not really but really. I can’t describe it. Absolute worse case scenario I just go full time at my current job, something I know for a fact I can do. My supivisor already told me she wanted me to work full time and that I just had to tell her when and at the "drop of a hat" get full time. I just don’t want to get suckered into that though. If I do I won’t have the ability to search for jobs and when I do I’ll be to tired or just want to relax. I want to be able to go a month or so without school, and just …. just …. relax. I’m so burned out right now. Almost as if I’m the toast you put in your messed up toaster that you burn for an hour over it’s normal time and you have to scrape off the burnings in order for it to taste relativily like toast..

Tommorw … well today actually I want to just code all day.

I also have to clean out my back trunk in my car. Of everything that I have back in my trunk the cascade bottle emptied. Yea … I knew it was coming even after I checked and double checked all the caps. It was enevitable which is why I’m not made. I think I’m a little pissed because my car smells like dishsoap. BLAH. Nasty stuff.

I should be heading to bed. I’m pretty tired and I have a long fun day head of me tommorow of swinging my life away.

am i loud and clear or am i breaking up?
am i still your charm or am i just bad luck?
are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?
ill show you mine if you show me yours first
lets compare scars ill tell you whose is worse
lets unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor ill slave til the end
i wont cross these streets until you hold my hand
i been here so long i think that its time to move
the winters so cold summers over too soon
lets pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
and ive got some friends some that i hardly know
weve had some times i wouldn’t trade for the world
we chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor ill slave til the end
i wont cross these streets until you hold my hand
swing life away [4x]

Take Care all,
-kc

Currently listening:
Siren Song of the Counter Culture
By Rise Against
Release date: By 10 August, 2004

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Me and and my Molly
Current mood: blah

Ugh. Yea that’s right. Ugh. I feel like crap. My body isn’t stiff any more but I feel awful. I dunno I suppose I am feeling better but I think my allergies are in full swing now. It’s so stinking hot outside right now, I don’t think that’s helping me any.

So I’m not completly moved in … yet. Everything for my room is unpacked except my clothes. I’m not really looking forward to that at all … bleh. Also I’m sure I can find more CRAP that needs unpacked out in the living room but I’m so dead that I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stare at my monitor and call it a day you know? But Ican’t … I have to go to work. Ugh. and I’ll even throw in another ugh. Not that I hate my job, I just wish it would lead me somewhere else you know? I’m worried about finding a good job once I graduate but if I take a step back I’m not really worried at all.

I just wish october would get here in a hurry. So I can be done with this all. I can relax. I just breathe for once. I’ve got so much work to do it’s not even funny. With unpacking, the things that I’d like to do and just have no time to do so, it’s really all catching up with me. I’m suppose to be working on my project, which I’m just about done with but I want to add more features to it … and the more I code, the deeper a whole I bury myself. Well, in my mind anyways. My portion of the project is a delicate web when it’s completly finished will be woven so tightly nothing can break it, but it’s weaving it that’s taking alot out of me mentally. Among other things. Mostly small stupid things but they take their toll and after 3 years of tolls, I’m well beyond my snapping point. Ugh.

Anyways, my move went good. It was more exhuastive then I thought it would be but we managed to get it done. Small stuff is all we lack. Cleaning, moving some food and dishes from the old place to the new place. It’s going to be weird living this far south. I don’t think any of our friends will come this far just to say "hi" like they did before nor do I have the energy to do the same that far north.

My fish tank was a mother and a half to move. I’m just glad it’s all done. Sadly lloyd died. Not from the trip but the day of the move. Perhaps he knew the move was coming and didn’t have it in him to be tossed into a bucket for a couple hours? My neon beta died as well … I didnt get a chance to name him, he was from a school of about 10 but for some reason he’s the only one that lived.

So It’s just me and molly … and hoover of course. Im debating on giving Molly to petsmart or to a friend or something so I can get an oscar. Big fish eating fish … my tank would stay cleaner and also I wouldn’t have to feed him flakes which makes the tank disgusting. I dunno … we’ll see. I’m still debating and I’m in no rush, I really enjoy molly. She really sparkles under the lamp.It’s pretty cool.

Anyways … I’ve had this song called "how to save a life" stuck in my head but I can’t find the lyrics anywhere so I figured I’d post a link to the video. Go and watch it …

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/fray/videos.jhtml#live and again it’s called how to save a life.

Wohooooo! they are even @ myspace … hehe …

Currently listening:
How To Save A Life
By The Fray
Release date: By 13 September, 2005

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Saturday, August 27, 2005

Hit or Miss.
Current mood: geeky

I was sitting here, just thinking of course, listening to music and a good portion of my crap that is normally in my room is gone given this move. Fish tank, bed, desk with computer stuff is all left and some clothes, some odd and end trash but for the most part it’s pretty much all gone. I moved alot of it the other day when I had to go down there and sign the lease.

BLEH.

I’m mixed about the move. It’s in a nice area, and I know this area around me pretty well and it’d be nice to say I know farther south better too. I know all the back roads with all the driving I’ve done around here the past 2 years. It’ll be pretty far away and I wont be able to go for my drives like I used to. In the back roads … I’m sure south will have some good country roads I can just let loose on but it definetly won’t be the same, especially at first.

We’ll see though. I can’t praise or knock it until I’ve tried it right? My biggest cocern really . well I have a bit actually but my main one is this weird phobia I have. Were on the first floor and I don’t want some huge body builder ripping through my bedroom wall like the kool-aid man and kidnapping me! HAHA, yea, I’m worried about that but that’s my own issue. Of course financially it’ll be a biatch but honestly it’ll be just one or two months, and I can rough that. By the end of October if I don’t have a real job in my career field I am just going to work probably 4*10′s at my current job and so I can still have weekends and one weekday off. That way I can still interview and I can still get stuff done. My biggest fear is letting my new found freedoms set inand not looking for a good job once I graduate, but I definetly don’t want to rush into a job. I want to relax a little, although honestly, I wouldn’t mind finding a job the day I graduate. Highly unlikley I know but I’ve been pushing pretty hard the past few weeks so I have to think optomistically for once.

So yea, I guess I’m pretty stoked about moving. Obviously I really miss this place. Besides the bycicle I havn’t had to much to complain about. I can’t believe it’s been 14 months though. This is so crazy … time is flying by just like my parents said it would. I remember 8 months ago I was telling my parents how so long ago it seemed till I graduated and here it is, in the next month or so. I’m pretty sure I’ll get honors. My project is kicking so much ass right now. I’m really quite impressed with the class and how much everybody is contributing. We complain at each other alot, but it’s all in good fun. I’m annoyed though at some of the poeple in the class. 90% of us are working our tails off and the other 10% are laughing and giggling at funny articles on the internet. I wanted to drop kick one, or at least let them know I was pissed but I didn’t. I kept my composure. I put on my headphones and just kept going. In my own world … it was nice.

I thought about alot of things. I’m not going to lie. Mostly about football. This is the third week and so far I’m kicking butt in my fantasy football league as well. I’ve gotten 1st place last week and the week before I got 2nd. This week .. we’ll see. I don’t think I’ll do so hot. My team, the bills, lost to the friggin bears. Now normally I wouldn’t be so ticked, but you see … a good friend at work likes the bears and gives me guff about it all the time, lol … I can already see the bragging that lays before me on friday. That’s cool though … it’s only preseason right? Wrong … that’s what losers say. Haha, well that’s what he tells me.

Anyways, I should probably get off my tush and do something constructive. There is so much to do but it’s almost as if I can’t do jack diddly till we get the UHAUL. Oh well .. I’ll figure out something to do wether it be twiddle my thumbs or lay on the floor of my room and just stare at the ceiling like I did when I first moved in.

Good bye ..4301 and hello … hello … *scratches head* I can’t remember the apartment number. Hehe, oh well .. that’s a good sign! Here is to a hit or miss with the next year.

The needle on my record player has been wearing thin
This record has been playing since the day you’ve been with him
No more long rides home
No more of your station
I didn’t like it anyways
Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall
Remember the time we realized "Thriller" was our favorite song

[x2]
Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I waited too long to see you

Maybe it’s for the best
Maybe it’s not for anything
It wouldn’t be so bad to take this right from me
No more long rides home
No more of your station
I didn’t like it anyway
Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall
Remember the time we realized "Thriller" was our favorite song

[x2]
Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I waited too long to see you

How many times I’ve tried
It’s simple to you, so simple to lie
How many times I’ve tried
Blatant mistakes of your design

How many times I’ve tried
It’s simple to you, so simple to lie
Blatant mistakes of your design

Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I wanted too long to see you

I’ve had so many chances
Turn my back and I ran away
I’ve had so many chances to see you

Peace,
-kc

Currently listening:
Hit or Miss
By New Found Glory
Release date: By 21 August, 2001

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