Typical?

Typical males. Fellas, one does not need to be all touchy and cuddly in public with your girlfriend especially if she is gorgeous. It’s just not necessary, and yes, sometimes the need to show her off as a "Hey, look at what you don’t have" is honestly not needed. Me, along with 9 out of 10 other guys would agree with you, but come talk to me 9 months from now when she breaks your heart. She’ll tell you the whole, "your the greatest guy in the world" speach and then you’ll realise she’s dating super hot joe down the street. So gentleman, stop rubbing it in.

I’m somewhat of a typical male. Me along alot of other guys I know usually tend to gawk. Gawking is defined as follows:

look with amazement; look stupidly

So with that in mind, gawking is usually, in my personal views a state of wow. Utter amazment in the beauty that just followed. We guys usually only gawk at these women if we know there would be no chance of her even remembering our name. So to say that I’m a typical guy, I am … just not too typical.

I found this out the hard way. I take a look around me and see a bunch of computer geeks. Much like myself, that share the same ideas and understanding of computers and have fell in love with the complicity. However I also look around and see a bunch of raggidy, no lives, computer geeks. Programmer I am, all of the above I would definetly have to say I’m excluded. I’ve been approached and in complete disbelief would not have fell under the category of "Programmer". Quiet, reserved all of that I am, but definetly do have have the physical charachteristics of a programmer.

So when it comes to male ideology and programming, I’m not typical.

So anyways …

My roomate comes into my room and starts to talk to me. Talking about how over the last year supposidly he’s won the effection of his long time crush. Good for him I say. Nothing is better then getting your first kiss especailly after all that one has endured. He had to wait through a lousy boyfriend and her rebound and now, a year later he’s made it. Cloud nine. He was out till like 2 last night and the moment he made is ascend up the steps all the way into his bedroom, his pearly white teeth just glowing, he was smiling. Which in his case is rare, very rare. So I was pretty happy for him. He comes in and starts talking to me, and of course I was watching the lance armstrong commercial and he asked why all of a sudden I was so intrigued. I finally told him I once had cancer and then he said probably the most stupidest thing ever.

Cancer is a death sentence. No matter how many times you beat it, it comes back doubly. Twice as potent and then death is upon you. Thanks bud. I swalled hard, real hard. Thanks again bud. I needed that. I just kind of nodded my head and at that point I was like, you know what, I hope this lady friend of yours stops talking to you and and then you can come cry to me. Then I’ll continue to tell you that every woman that one would come across is going to do the same thing, keep breaking your heart. It’s non-curable so to speak. Each time a heart is broken it’s broken exponentially, each and every time. I thought it was so stupid.

But then I caught myself. Why have I been speaking so much of cancer? Why have I been speaking so much of this in my journal?

I couldn’t figure out the reason why, but then I didn’t have to. I already knew once I took a stop and thought about it.

It’s time for my yearly checkup. Afraid, scared, no? I’m not, however there is like 1% doubt and it is that doubt that something will show up in an x-ray that keeps me up tonight. I often find myself wondering what I’d do if it did show up positive. I know for a fact that I don’t. Hodkins usually shows a sign of fatigue and weight loss. I’ve actually gained 5 pounds in the last month and as for sleep, well I havn’t been sleeping at all! I’m healthy as an OX, ok, probably not as healthy as I would like, but cancerwise I don’t feel I have any worries. My success rate after 5 years is well over 90% and even greater then that they say if I had it when I was a child.

I also often find myself wondering if it ever came back. What if? What if it ever came back and did hit me with twice it’s fury? Would it change me as a person, or would it continue to shape the person that I need to become? Wow, I’ve already been given a second chance at life, and I used it too early in my life. No more chances. It would be my 3rd chance at life. Nobody gets 3 chances. Heck, I don’t even give two chances. I suppose that would make me an idiot especially given my situation. Two chances don’t come easy for me. Relationships, food, work anything. I don’t give two chances let alone three. So what if I got cancer again.

Then I say to myself … whoa whoa whoa kc! What if I won a million dollars today? What if somebody just gives me a corvette. What if I fall down the steps today, break my chin, nose and cheekbones and misses perfect is there to pick me up. What if.

That is so incredibly stupid to play what if games. I could play what if games and 9 out of 10 times my whatif scenarios all would have happy endings. What if games is not my style. All in all my style, my outlook is turning positive. I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so just reading my previous entries that I’ve been so happy and POSITIVE too!

You all should be so proud.

So I bought a bike yesterday. Stupid move or genius? I dont’ know, as of yesterday of course it was genius but in the future, perhaps, but only time can tell. I told myself I didnt’ want to become a programmer that had a huge belly and couldn’t run a mile without getting a heartattack.

So I rode 10 miles. My legs are somewhat stiff, not to bad, my neck, arms and man boobs all are feeling it today. And what will I do with my second day off.

I’ll be riding again, so that way if I get asked by the opposite sex or even from friends or fellow employees, I can say:

"I have ridden my bike 10miles a day, what have you done?".

I’m actually getting stoked for my new schedule. That would mean I would have time in the afternoon to explore all the trails in my back yard. I went over 10 miles, 5 of it there and 5 back, and there were still a ton of trails to explore. Once my body becomes adapt to such rigerous and yes, it was pretty grueling, I’ll be able to go much farther. My calves are killing me, which is awesome. I havnt had pain like this in a while. It’s not even pain, I call it satisfaction.

So anyways, I need to get going. It’s been an awesome day off and to top it off I saw 50 first dates. It was a halarious movie, however not to be negative but I am tired of love stories already.

take care all,
kc