I can’t sleep. It’s no use either. I’ve tried … and I’ve tried. I even tried to go to bed at midnight and it didn’t work. I tried to for a drive, didn’t work. So I’ve been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, I don’t want to do anything that I can use later becuase I don’t want to be sloppy by me falling asleep.
So I’ll write. Perhaps I’ll write some more. I’ve got that commercial yet again playing in the background. I can’t seem to let it escape my mind. Perhaps it’s just the tour de france in general. Just watching it makes me want to go buy a bike and just ride. Perhaps my escape driving betsie is comparable to lances escape to riding a bike. Perhaps. I don’t know, I’m so jittery at the subject. I’m so excited and I hope he does well. God that would be phenominal if he were to win again. I feel like even though he doesn’t know me and I only know of him, I feel like this -as I cross my fingers- hehe. Ok, weird I know but I’m so compelled to his story. It’s just awesome how he can do what he does. Just, everything, how all cancer surviors do that. Wow. I think the reason why I’m so strangly intrigued by the situation is becuase lance said that having cancer was one of the best things that could ever happen to him. I never really thought that way but I have learned so incredibly much and mentally it’s made me a strong person, it’s made me everything I am today. I’d say about 90% of my habits and rituals are somehow related to cancer. I’m always complaining about the negative, which is ok to vent, but wow, so many positive things and I suppose deep down I’m glad that I’ve survived.
I’m so intrigued I’m seriously debating buying his book. I want to read it. I want to know more of his thoughts and ideas. I think another reason I am so intriged by him is becuase I feel I share his same story but on a lower scale. I also remember my father, hehe, I’d walk in the door from school and he’d have the USA today, ESPN the magazine and anything he could put his hands on, listening to the radio and also watching the Outdoor life network just trying to catch a glimpse of lance armstrong to see how he was doing. He’d look up at me in dismay and just laugh. I’d always have a crooked look on my face because I had no idea what he was doing. I now know.
As he reads his magazines and newspapers and such, I find myself strangly fascinated to my computer and it’s electronic news. I find myself looking up every tour de france related website just to catch a glimpse.
It’s so weird to say that I’m a cancer survivor. But I am and it’s a good feeling, a real sense of accomplishment.
so … what else. I’m not tired yet. Usually this journal does a good job putting me to sleep however I’m starting to worry. Both of my eyes are twitching. For the last month it was only my right eye but now both are going nuts. I know it’s because I need more sleep, but how what and when can I do all of this? I don’t know. I’m so excited for what the future holds.
The only negative is I wish I had someone to share it with but even then, I take a look around and just sort of laugh.
No I don’t. Not yet anyways … Just live it up kid, your only 19. I just have to remember not to say that every year or it may just end up catching up to me. So as I stated before I went for a drive. I popped in my old 3 doors down cd and played a song I havn’t heard in forever. something I reserved for something, for someone. So I need you. Wow, it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard it. It reminds me of times that I don’t really want to remember and some I do. It reminds me of my very first car drive with betsie. 
I’ve got a sense of happiness about me right now I can’t describe.
Life is sooo good.
take care,
kc
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