My break

So I beileve my break is here. I truly do beileve so. I don’t want to go over the top with this, so I may portray this as being somewhat, well .. somewhat reserved.

It all started about 2 days ago and I was at work. A women I had never met before, let alone seen came and sat in the cubicle next to me(aka desk). Anywho, we talked, small talk and such and the next thing I know we started talking about schedules and such. She asked me what I went to school for and when I told her she kind of perked up. She perked up even more when I told her I was studying Game design and development.

Supposidly her husband is a head hancho at hart interactive which is a programming firm that is always looking for programmers. My ticket. She said, turn in your resume and I’ll make sure it gets to everybody I know. So I have a lunch-in with this gentlmen sometime after the 16th of July.

It hit me. I will one day become a computer programmer, in MY chosen profession, making the big bucks doing something that I LOVE doing. And it’s not a matter of if, just a matter of when. It’s just a matter of when.

I rarley dream and for those of everybody that knows me, knows this. Ok, so I dream all the time. I dream of the day that I get my corvette. I dream of the day when I meet misses my perfect and she’s sitting next to me. I dream all the time, however dream in this context is at night, in la la land. I never dream, I have nightmares, never dreams. I drempt that my arm caught on fire, but my dream was backwards, all starting with this. From what I remember I was in the bahamas and for some reason I spilt my margarita on my arm, I didn’t shower for a couple of days and when I got off the cruise ship and was driving my corvette home, I acquired a redneck burn. You know, the type when it’s only your left arm, the one that’s hanging out the window? Yea, crispy my left arm was … and becuase I hadn’t showered the alcohol caught on fire and -POOF- I woke up in a cold sweat, but when I realised it was a dream I remember telling myself that if that was a nightmare, then I dont mind dreaming at all.

I usually dont dream, it’s usually quite the opposite. Dreams are suppose to be happy, unyeilding to the possibilities that one can achieve, silly things however my dreams are horrible. My dreams are false, misleading and provides a false sense of secrurity and even worse. Hope.

So I’ve made some intresting friendships at work. Mostly with one of my supivisors. He’s a werid guy to say the least. He’s like 40ish and has had multiple engagments that turned sour however he seems like the 70′s hippy type, and often doesn’t appear he has had many female relationships, but from what he tells me he’s had his fair share. Anywho, he’s going for his PHD in Psychiatry and he’s incredibly intellegent. He bought me a pack of tarot cards the other day. I think he finally got tired of me asking to read the book that came with the deck of cards. So he’s been talking to me before, during and after work just about stuff. He’s really helped me out quite a bit as far as my self. Wether it be confidance, motivation or respect for myself, he’s helped me out a quite a bit. It’s pretty funny becuase he always does my reading in the tarot and it always comes up, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, hearts at the end of knives in some way shape or form. It’s usually the guy crouched over holding his knees with a bunch of arrows with hearts at the end extending from his back. He laughs everytime I ask him to read my "fortunes and directions" saying, what girl is it this time kc? Hehe. He’s helped me realise things that I’ve always told myself was never true, to except things as they are get over them. Stop being so bottled up, stop being so negative. I definetly am. That’s me and will always be me but I have lightened up quite a bit. I’m much more lax. One thing he says that hed like to help me on is my seclusiveness. At lunch or in big groups I’m always the quite one with nothing to say.

Everybody that knows me knows this isn’t the case at all. I have something to say about everything. Negative or positive, I can usually whip up a long novel pretty quick with any and all situations. Just not in big groups, especially with females which would explain my confidance. I was told I’d be surprised with the responses that I’d get from the opposite sex if I only ask.

If I only ask. It takes such courage and will to do such ventures. That’s not for me. I’m not one to ask. I need to get to know them before I even approach or feel for them a certain way. But anyways, this supivisor that is helping me says he doesn’t understand why I think the way I do. There are so many gorgeous, smart attractive ladies in the sea, and yet I’m so bummed when one or two have rejected me. That’s just it. So many diffrent fish in the sea, but every fish is still a fish, a special and unique fish in their own way.

I suppose all of this stuff is just coming down on me. I don’t have time for anything. I have found time latley to go for drives with Betsie. My roomate always invites people over but before they even get over I leave. I like being alone, I like driving with the windows rolled down at midnight, driving 5 below the speed limit. Just relaxing. I enjoy it so much. I hate it when I get back though. I get the "ARE YOU OK KC?" speech. Those, you don’t need to be alone speeches. It drives me nuts.

Just let me be. Just let me be.

I long for the days when I would be at home. I could smell the usual chicken, mashpotatoes and vegtables cooking by my mother in the kitchen and my father would either be playing with the dogs or laughing at sitcoms. I long for the days when I could easily slip into my own world with the simple motion of putting on my headphones. Listening to music. My escape. Coding and such. I long for the days when I would just drift in and out of subconsiousness and wake up automatically for school. I miss just sitting in class thinking to myself I can’t wait until I’m in denver.

Now I’m here, now what?

I’ll tell you. I long for those days. It’s a vicious cycle. I suppose I should just calm down, slow down and accept the fact that I’m 19, I have a long road of ahead of me and depending on how I pave it, it can and will go smoothly. I’m suppose I’m just burned out.

I suppose I’m just looking for a break. Just one. Right now over my 3 biggest subjects – Relationships, Personal, Career. I want my break to come in my Career. I want it to jumpstart and everything else will follow suit. I’ve already cozied up to the fact that I may be single forever, that my personal life will revolve around my career and that my career HAS to lift off for life to be sucessful. It just has to.

And you know something, I think, I hope, I pray that I’ve found it.

This is my big break, and I’m taking full advantage of it.

I’m so tired right now. It doesn’t help other factors are coming into play right now such as my heavey eye lids. I often find myself typing with my eyes closed, free flow writing. I wake up the next morning and I can’t remember what I write. I don’t erase it. Text written here stays here. No need to delete it. I have nothing left to hide …

My heart, my brains, my ideas, my ways of thinking all left out on the table to be analyzed and picked apart by you. How does that make you feel Dr. -insert your name here-? I only hope it makes you feel as good as it makes me feel knowing this

I should be going … the last hour is a blur and I can’t remember much. I’m so tired. So tired.

Goodnight all,
theMayor

PS.
Paycheck was a phenominal movie