So not only is my Betsie girl so fresh and so clean, she also smells like bubble gum on the outside and vanilla on the inside. It’s so cool, I found a new place to go pretty close to where I live to get her washed at. I have my bucket with everything I use to wash her in and when I started to spray the soap it smelt somewhat funny. Bubble Gum. Hehe, it kind of made me laugh just the way it smelt so incredibly bad and tasty at the same time. Oh well.

My car was was prompted by two things.

First I took the day off today from work. I had 3 days off. It was so incredibly nice and also it wasn’t planned. I’ve been sick actually for the past 3 days and today was somewhat of my recovery day. 3 good nights of sleep and I’m feeling much better. I’ve had severe coughing fits, sore throats and stomach aches. It’s been somewhat of a rough time for me and it didn’t help I didn’t get any sleep the night before my final exams. I think I did pretty good on all of them and I’m happy with whatever grade I get because I know I couldn’t have worked harder. In my Algorithims class I know I got an A, I passed all of my quizzes with A’s except for one which was pretty hard. I had to code kruskals using my own linked list. Me and pointers do not go well together. I’m all about the STL but if you don’t understand any of that then just remember, NEITHER DO I! Ha, just kidding it makes perfect sense however I do apologise, I went off track. Well actually while I’m off track, let me tell you that my second final exam was a project to open a child day care center. The team I was working with turned out 13+ pages of data and I realised then and there I was a programmer. Why you ask? I started the table of contents with a 0 instead of a 1! Lol, I know I know. For those non-programmers here it is in english. 9 out of 10 things delt with start with 0 instead of 1. Anyways … That second project where we had to start our own daycare facility was a nighmare(more on this in a bit) and I’m confidant that 3 single non-father type males accomplished it to satisfactory. I’m somewhat worried that I’ll get a B in that class because all of my tests were not up to par which all were justifiably debatable. Anywho … my last class was my Trig class. I’m confidant I got the usual. 96%. My instructor calls me mr consistant. I’ve never gotten the golden pencil or a silver pencil which are items given out to the top students in the class due to test grades however I usually average out better then all of them anyways becuase they usually fail one or two tests. I’m tired of 96%. I’m called mr consistant because out of the 4 math classes I’ve taken with this same instructor that’s all I’ve ever gotten on all, yes all, of his tests. No more, no less. I honestly cannot win but we’ll see when grades post.

So getting back to the day care thing. I don’t know what it was but man I hated that project. Was it becuase I royally dislike kids? Probably.

For those that don’t know I don’t like kids. Loud, very loud … expensive, overly cuddly little humans that, beileve it or not crave 150% attention from an individual. That’s a whopping 40% more then me! I know I know but it’s the truth. I’m just not a big fan and for some reason I think kids know this. I’m the only one out of the group of guys that I know seriously dislikes kids and yet when we are at Burger King or out someplace that has kids crawling all over the place, I will literally go hide in a corner and they will still come and want to play with me, nobody else but with me. Like dogs that can smell fear kids can smell dislike. I dont’ know what it is. I’m just not into them. If I ever do find the girl of my dreams she’d have to understand it may be quite some time, if ever, that I’d ever consider having them.

So as luck would have it, it’s well …. bad. I was having my sneezing fits and I stepped on a box that my roomate left in the hallway that was remaining from his computer. I tripped, fell, landed against one of those "V" type doors. The ones that fold in and out and this had folded in, and where it did pinched my skin. Gone, all gone …

My shoes weren’t made for running like I was normally used to, so I stupidly ran without socks … blisters now and where healthy skin once existed. Gone … all gone. Now there are blisters there now.

Incubus concert I was dying to see. I was at work. Go figure …

Ha! Sometimes I just sit back and laugh and say, you know what? There will be another time. My time. My time is coming…

Who knows, it may be tommorow, maybe 3 years from now or it may be when I get abducted by an alien.

Intresting how I stumbled upon that alien bit. I almost forgot. I joined a project called the seti project. It’s pretty neat and for those of you that do not know what it is I’ll explain, or at least try to.

Well it’s a program that some wise guys up at berkley college created. It takes data collected from arecibo radio observatory which is one of the worlds largest radio telescopes located in puerto rico. This software is a "screen saver" meaning it only runs when you are not using your computer and what it does is it takes this information and analyzes it for extra terrestial lifeforms and other forms of communication. It’s an intresting project and for those of you who’d like more go to the seti homepage at http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/.

I should be going. I’m getting tired.

laterZ,
kc

This is no ordinary pain. This is the pain of accomplishment. I’ve been running two miles a day every other day and the days in between I’ve been riding my bike about 10 miles. It’s sounds like alot but it really isn’t. Especially when you have a good mini-disc player and some good music. I’m feeling alot better about myself after doing these daily routines. It’s been nice. A good break from the normal and beileve it or not I’ve been sleeping pretty good latley! I only sleep eight hours and when I wake up I’m refreshed. That in itself tells me that I just needed to burn off some of this extra energy that I’ve had. It feels good though, taking a deep breathe in. Feeling the burn within your stomachs and walking up 3 flights of stairs you can feel every muscle as it stretches and relaxes. It’s a really good feeling. The feeling is quite comparable to putting your head down on a pillow and just closing your eyes, drifting into one’s own peaceful never never land.

Which is what I would like to do now actually. I have 3 big projects that I’ve been working/stressing over and for the most part they are all complete. I have to just piece it all together and I’m done. Hopeflly everything will go well. Wish me luck …

take care all,
kc

Typical males. Fellas, one does not need to be all touchy and cuddly in public with your girlfriend especially if she is gorgeous. It’s just not necessary, and yes, sometimes the need to show her off as a "Hey, look at what you don’t have" is honestly not needed. Me, along with 9 out of 10 other guys would agree with you, but come talk to me 9 months from now when she breaks your heart. She’ll tell you the whole, "your the greatest guy in the world" speach and then you’ll realise she’s dating super hot joe down the street. So gentleman, stop rubbing it in.

I’m somewhat of a typical male. Me along alot of other guys I know usually tend to gawk. Gawking is defined as follows:

look with amazement; look stupidly

So with that in mind, gawking is usually, in my personal views a state of wow. Utter amazment in the beauty that just followed. We guys usually only gawk at these women if we know there would be no chance of her even remembering our name. So to say that I’m a typical guy, I am … just not too typical.

I found this out the hard way. I take a look around me and see a bunch of computer geeks. Much like myself, that share the same ideas and understanding of computers and have fell in love with the complicity. However I also look around and see a bunch of raggidy, no lives, computer geeks. Programmer I am, all of the above I would definetly have to say I’m excluded. I’ve been approached and in complete disbelief would not have fell under the category of "Programmer". Quiet, reserved all of that I am, but definetly do have have the physical charachteristics of a programmer.

So when it comes to male ideology and programming, I’m not typical.

So anyways …

My roomate comes into my room and starts to talk to me. Talking about how over the last year supposidly he’s won the effection of his long time crush. Good for him I say. Nothing is better then getting your first kiss especailly after all that one has endured. He had to wait through a lousy boyfriend and her rebound and now, a year later he’s made it. Cloud nine. He was out till like 2 last night and the moment he made is ascend up the steps all the way into his bedroom, his pearly white teeth just glowing, he was smiling. Which in his case is rare, very rare. So I was pretty happy for him. He comes in and starts talking to me, and of course I was watching the lance armstrong commercial and he asked why all of a sudden I was so intrigued. I finally told him I once had cancer and then he said probably the most stupidest thing ever.

Cancer is a death sentence. No matter how many times you beat it, it comes back doubly. Twice as potent and then death is upon you. Thanks bud. I swalled hard, real hard. Thanks again bud. I needed that. I just kind of nodded my head and at that point I was like, you know what, I hope this lady friend of yours stops talking to you and and then you can come cry to me. Then I’ll continue to tell you that every woman that one would come across is going to do the same thing, keep breaking your heart. It’s non-curable so to speak. Each time a heart is broken it’s broken exponentially, each and every time. I thought it was so stupid.

But then I caught myself. Why have I been speaking so much of cancer? Why have I been speaking so much of this in my journal?

I couldn’t figure out the reason why, but then I didn’t have to. I already knew once I took a stop and thought about it.

It’s time for my yearly checkup. Afraid, scared, no? I’m not, however there is like 1% doubt and it is that doubt that something will show up in an x-ray that keeps me up tonight. I often find myself wondering what I’d do if it did show up positive. I know for a fact that I don’t. Hodkins usually shows a sign of fatigue and weight loss. I’ve actually gained 5 pounds in the last month and as for sleep, well I havn’t been sleeping at all! I’m healthy as an OX, ok, probably not as healthy as I would like, but cancerwise I don’t feel I have any worries. My success rate after 5 years is well over 90% and even greater then that they say if I had it when I was a child.

I also often find myself wondering if it ever came back. What if? What if it ever came back and did hit me with twice it’s fury? Would it change me as a person, or would it continue to shape the person that I need to become? Wow, I’ve already been given a second chance at life, and I used it too early in my life. No more chances. It would be my 3rd chance at life. Nobody gets 3 chances. Heck, I don’t even give two chances. I suppose that would make me an idiot especially given my situation. Two chances don’t come easy for me. Relationships, food, work anything. I don’t give two chances let alone three. So what if I got cancer again.

Then I say to myself … whoa whoa whoa kc! What if I won a million dollars today? What if somebody just gives me a corvette. What if I fall down the steps today, break my chin, nose and cheekbones and misses perfect is there to pick me up. What if.

That is so incredibly stupid to play what if games. I could play what if games and 9 out of 10 times my whatif scenarios all would have happy endings. What if games is not my style. All in all my style, my outlook is turning positive. I’ve noticed over the last 6 months or so just reading my previous entries that I’ve been so happy and POSITIVE too!

You all should be so proud.

So I bought a bike yesterday. Stupid move or genius? I dont’ know, as of yesterday of course it was genius but in the future, perhaps, but only time can tell. I told myself I didnt’ want to become a programmer that had a huge belly and couldn’t run a mile without getting a heartattack.

So I rode 10 miles. My legs are somewhat stiff, not to bad, my neck, arms and man boobs all are feeling it today. And what will I do with my second day off.

I’ll be riding again, so that way if I get asked by the opposite sex or even from friends or fellow employees, I can say:

"I have ridden my bike 10miles a day, what have you done?".

I’m actually getting stoked for my new schedule. That would mean I would have time in the afternoon to explore all the trails in my back yard. I went over 10 miles, 5 of it there and 5 back, and there were still a ton of trails to explore. Once my body becomes adapt to such rigerous and yes, it was pretty grueling, I’ll be able to go much farther. My calves are killing me, which is awesome. I havnt had pain like this in a while. It’s not even pain, I call it satisfaction.

So anyways, I need to get going. It’s been an awesome day off and to top it off I saw 50 first dates. It was a halarious movie, however not to be negative but I am tired of love stories already.

take care all,
kc

So I’ve been pre-occupied the last few days. I don’t know what it is with me. I’m just in a state of awe and limbo and it’s a great feeling. So let me enlighten you what’s transpired over the last week.

The tour de france started and of course I’m rooting for lance armstrong for his number 6. I went out and bought his autobiography and finished it in two days. Seeing as I work and go to school this was an incredible feet. It an amazing book and I think I liked it over any other auto biography because 90% of what he spoke of I could relate. Cancer, life everything. It was unbeilevable how he basically wrote down what I was thinking. So I’m rooting around other websites and what do you know, same thing. So many cancer survivors share my thoughts EXACTLY and wow.

I’m just happy to be alive. I realise now that once in my life that I could be dead. OzweegoVille may never existed, EVER. I would never be the nine-teen year old sitting before you, paying all of my bills, going to college and getting my bachelors before the age of 21. Never. I’m just in a state of awe.

I’m also happy to report that I’m not the only cancer survivor waking up in cold sweats with nightmares of past things done. And I’m not the only one that had arms of pincushions. He stated once that he had to get ready for an MRI usually I had these weekly. This is where the barium had to be dranken and it’s miserable. Lances girlfriend at the time asked to drink some and I thought to myself, that’s what I want. Somebody that is more then willing to drink barium so they know exactly what I’m going through. wow. This book, my life and the lives of others that I’ve read about the last few days makes me feel so inspired and so incredibly happy. Even moreso then I’ve ever been, even in the last few months of my life.

So I finished this book, it was an excellent, well written book about cancer, survival and the little things that cancer survivors talk about. It was neat to know that lance armstrong, myself and countless, countless other survivors still have their cathaders(sp?). The tube that went into the chest to retrieve blood and such. I kept mine in a pee cup(how fitting I know) and that life had changed once it was removed.

Once it was removed it was as if a limb of me had been severed and yet a new found of hope was renewed. It was an awesome feeling and myself and countless others have experienced the same feeling.

In one part of the book when lance first his chemo he recieved a letter from somebody in the military telling him "you may not know it yet, but were the lucky ones". That was at the very beginning, and I’m so happy that lance wrote about it some more in the end. I think now more then ever it’s so incredibly true. Only a handful of people get to tell their tale of cancer and I’m one of them. Only a handful and I couldn’t agree more with the passage that he wrote. We are lucky.

Cancer has not made change the person I was, I was so young it only shaped me into the person I needed to be. Headstrong and knowledge hungry. It was a tool, and looking back now on how much it’s taught me about myself and my strengths and limitations. I wouldn’t give it back for anything. I’m glad others can relate to my story and I’m glad I can laugh about it here today. I realise now others weren’t so lucky and that I was fortunate.

I think I can honestly look at this post in my worst times of my life and just laugh. It’s an awesome feeling and I only wish I could share it with everybody I come across.

After completing the book I went online to see if maybe I could find some more information and I found out that lance divorced his wife in the book about 4 years after writing it. It was kind of like, wow. I was so attached to all of the charachters and to see they had split up was almost a shock. Kind of like the main charachter dieing at the end of a book, it’s something that is kind of an awkward weirdness. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m rambling.

Over the past week I’ve come to realise with reading, reflecting and communicating to others about my life and about how life tends to work itself out one step at a time.

I was given a second chance at life and I’m forever grateful.

I should be going. I think I may go to bed peacefully tonight.

take care all,
kc

I can’t sleep. It’s no use either. I’ve tried … and I’ve tried. I even tried to go to bed at midnight and it didn’t work. I tried to for a drive, didn’t work. So I’ve been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, I don’t want to do anything that I can use later becuase I don’t want to be sloppy by me falling asleep.

So I’ll write. Perhaps I’ll write some more. I’ve got that commercial yet again playing in the background. I can’t seem to let it escape my mind. Perhaps it’s just the tour de france in general. Just watching it makes me want to go buy a bike and just ride. Perhaps my escape driving betsie is comparable to lances escape to riding a bike. Perhaps. I don’t know, I’m so jittery at the subject. I’m so excited and I hope he does well. God that would be phenominal if he were to win again. I feel like even though he doesn’t know me and I only know of him, I feel like this -as I cross my fingers- hehe. Ok, weird I know but I’m so compelled to his story. It’s just awesome how he can do what he does. Just, everything, how all cancer surviors do that. Wow. I think the reason why I’m so strangly intrigued by the situation is becuase lance said that having cancer was one of the best things that could ever happen to him. I never really thought that way but I have learned so incredibly much and mentally it’s made me a strong person, it’s made me everything I am today. I’d say about 90% of my habits and rituals are somehow related to cancer. I’m always complaining about the negative, which is ok to vent, but wow, so many positive things and I suppose deep down I’m glad that I’ve survived.

I’m so intrigued I’m seriously debating buying his book. I want to read it. I want to know more of his thoughts and ideas. I think another reason I am so intriged by him is becuase I feel I share his same story but on a lower scale. I also remember my father, hehe, I’d walk in the door from school and he’d have the USA today, ESPN the magazine and anything he could put his hands on, listening to the radio and also watching the Outdoor life network just trying to catch a glimpse of lance armstrong to see how he was doing. He’d look up at me in dismay and just laugh. I’d always have a crooked look on my face because I had no idea what he was doing. I now know.

As he reads his magazines and newspapers and such, I find myself strangly fascinated to my computer and it’s electronic news. I find myself looking up every tour de france related website just to catch a glimpse.

It’s so weird to say that I’m a cancer survivor. But I am and it’s a good feeling, a real sense of accomplishment.

so … what else. I’m not tired yet. Usually this journal does a good job putting me to sleep however I’m starting to worry. Both of my eyes are twitching. For the last month it was only my right eye but now both are going nuts. I know it’s because I need more sleep, but how what and when can I do all of this? I don’t know. I’m so excited for what the future holds.

The only negative is I wish I had someone to share it with but even then, I take a look around and just sort of laugh.

No I don’t. Not yet anyways … Just live it up kid, your only 19. I just have to remember not to say that every year or it may just end up catching up to me. So as I stated before I went for a drive. I popped in my old 3 doors down cd and played a song I havn’t heard in forever. something I reserved for something, for someone. So I need you. Wow, it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard it. It reminds me of times that I don’t really want to remember and some I do. It reminds me of my very first car drive with betsie. I’ve got a sense of happiness about me right now I can’t describe.

Life is sooo good.
take care,
kc