Yea yea yea, I’m so sleepy It’s only what, 11:30. I was just going through my stat’s logger and I’d say my traffic has slowed a good 75% since I put up the new journal. I think it’s becuase Most of my hits came from other things, my projects, open_source and such which I actually had redirect here recently for a while. It is getting alot of success right now. My journal on the other hand only has about 5-7 followers oddly enough. Previously I had about 20 religously.

Oh well….

I suppose it was a matter of convienance. No links to my journal on my other website So anywho … I thought I’d comment on that.

So anyways. Today has been a long day. I went to school. I did a ton of math homework over my weekend only to have just as much assigned back to me, a couple of articles relating to buisness, and oh yea, a test on Monday. God I’m so tired. So burned out. I don’t know how much longer I can stand going to work 45-47 hours a week and school and trying to have a good social life. It’s just not happening.

I did however have enough time to do a few things. I saw shrek two!! Oh it was halarious! I loved it!

DONKEY: HEY, pinoccio tell a crazy lie, like your wearing womens under wear.

PINOCCIO: I’m wearing womens underwear

-nose does not grow-

DONKEY: Your really wearing womens underwear!?

PINOCCIO: I am most certainly AM NOT!!

-NOSE GROWS-

"OH look, he’s wearing a thong!"

LOL, oh I loved it! It was halarious. I watched it a week ago or so. We went to a midnight showing in order to get in. Yesterday, nothing happened to good. I took a nap, I looked for ideas for my new website. I’m hopefully, -crosses fingers- will be buying a .COM here pretty soon. www.ozweegoville.com is my goal, hopefully nobody else buy’s it before me though. I sure do hope not.

I have to make sure I have enough money for my move coming up. I’m going to take a couple days paid off here pretty soon, thank goodness! I’m going to have 4 days total off completly to actually move over to the new place and clean the old place. I think it’ll go smoothly if everything goes through properly. As for my other roomate(to which I said that I would comment on later, which is now).

He owes everybody alot of money. After tonight if he doesn’t pay he would owe me and my other 2 roomates over 400$. Yea … on top of that, we are paying a pro-rated amount for the partial month we are going to be moving in by. Security deposit etc … So yea. Things are definetly not tight with me, or any of my roomates for that matter, we just are incredibly smart with our money. WOW, I hope that comment doesn’t come back and bite me in the butt one of these days. Anywho …

My parents also just decieded hey kc, you owe us an EXTRA 200$ A MONTH!!! Supposidly that will COMPLETLY 1000% cut me off. Odd because all this time I thought I was. So no, no that I can’t afford it, but do I really want to? I feel my financial security blanket slowly crumble and fall around me. Obviously I’m happy that I’ve been given this opportunity however it does frustrate me somewhat. Just becuase I’ve literally got a roomate who was just given 10,000$ in stocks, a new 4Runner, College paid for and an extra 4,000$ just to "live comfortably" as his grandfather states. Jealous am I? Quite a bit .. I’d give anything to be able to do that, no I take it back. I wouldn’t, however I would like a break. Just a financial, social, mental, physical break. I suppose stress is kicking in over time. Meanwhile I got chocolates from my grandparents supposidly from ITALY.

I don’t want anything from anybody. I just want things to go right, which I know they will. I’m just paranoid. The glass is half empty I always say. But that’s me, that’s always been my personality.

So I hear my sister just got a new job, but she hasn’t emailed me as to the details on this new job. I’m so incredibly happy/jealous that she found a new job! It’s totally cool and renews my faith that I can find a new job hopefully soon.

And then there is JoAnna. I don’t think of her all that much anymore but when I do it’s like the turn of a knife. I actually work with her father(as mentioned in earlier posts). Anywho … oddly enough I met him in the bathroom. Very awkward. Very. First off I’m uncomfortable talking to people in the bathroom, and furthermore talking to the father of a women I once deeply cared for. It was very weird. We talked, I never once asked about her. I havn’t talked to her since. I’ve since shunned her from my life. I don’t want to talk to her let alone think of her. She states she did it for US however I find that incredibly hard to beileve seeing as rumor has it that 2-3 weeks after me she found somebody else. Yea, talk about the knife. What does he have that I don’t? Charm, wit, money, knowledge, looks, personality. Granted I don’t have any of that would probably lead to her going astray just like so many in the past. If it happens once, it’s a "She wasn’t good enough for you" situation. Happens more then once by diffrent people, diffrent backgrounds and personality types then I have to start to wonder what I’m missing. I can’t keep saying that it’s her loss not mine. Not only in this situation but in others has it been totally my loss and not inversly. I hate that feeling, that feeling when walking in the park or mall or whatnot of other people and what they think. "How did he get a girl like that". Sometimes when I wasn’t single I often wanted to say back, "Don’t worry, she’ll dump me and go for a guy like you in a heart beat".

-sighs- off topic. Anywho. Me and her dad talked. I’m mixed as to what I think about what he thinks about me and our breakup. I so badly want to ask him. "Sir, what is it that she said about our breakup?". On the other hand somethings are better left unsaid. One of my biggest fears honestly is that she would tell him that I beat her, or cheated on her or didn’t respect her. I think he knows me well enough that’s never the case. I think he realises to even be in the presence of a women is as close to heaven as I’ll ever get. To touch a woman other then in it’s most gentalist(sp?) most passionate form is not in my nature at all. I’d never hurt her or any woman physically, emotionally maybe but not on purpose or without justification. That’s my worst fear. I don’t want him to hate me. I still respect him. I still respect her.

My friends and roomates often ask me if I’d ever take her back if she wanted me. Probably not. I wouldn’t beileve it. I honestly wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that she wanted somebody else and not me. That while I was sitting, waiting for her every movement that she is out with somebody else not even thinking of me. Could care less about me.

I’ve since erased our 300+ email/text messages. I got rid of her phone number, cut all attachments. It’s been almost 3 months, 3 months and 3 days to be exact. Crushed, just where I was 3 months and 3 days ago, however now it doesn’t sting anymore. It’s just there. Something that I’ve done an incredible job hiding just keeping it locked away. The only time now that we’ll ever talk is if she calls me.

I always look at things so negatively. To try to shed some positive light. Obviously this thought has only passed through my head once but it did make me smile nonethe less. What if she is at home, laying in bed thinking of me. Perhaps missing our conversations in the wee hours of the morning, my touch, my downright respect that I had for her. Maybe she is pondering if she really did make a mistake. Obviously I’ll never know and I doubt that is what she is thinking but I never can tell, especially when it comes to women.

-sighs-

Ok, I’m done actually. It’s midnight and I’m throughouly exhuasted. We had to wait for a tow truck for my roomates car. Then proceeded on to Golden Corral which was fantastic. Afterwards we went to the middle of downtown Denver to the biggest park and played a bit of soccer until our lungs burned, our calves ached and we couldn’t inhale oxegon fast enough. It was perfect. Cool calm and the grass was so incredibly soft. Such depth and coolness. Almost as if you were walking on clouds barefoot but only better. It was probably one of the most gratifying sensations I’ve had in a while. Just grass between my toes. It felt really good, and that in itself is probably an understatment. I thought JoAnna and past relationships the most now. So many happy couples holding hands, walking around the park, so happy. I remember those days, not just with JoAnna, but with past relationships. It did make me smile, but on the same hand it was just like – -BIG DEEP BREATHE AND SIGH-, yea .. like that.

On the way home, I was in the back seat, we had the windows rolled down, listening to music. Just with wind in the face. That too was a good sensation. It cooled the burning in my legs and lungs and made things seem just right. We came home, I finished yet again some more homework, watched Anger Managment and now, here I am. With my feet propped up, and typing to you. Wondering who you are, why your here and perhaps what your thinking. Am I the only one who’s ever felt so happy yet so alone and yet so surrounded with people? Am I the only one paranoid as to what tommorow holds? Or do I just need to grow up once and for all and except that I have absolutly no control over anything, take life as it comes and be happy, not dwell on the past. Ok, I like the last choice however it’s so incredibly hard to pursue. This idea of positiveness. I can’t do it. It’s not in my nature. I will continue to be me, for that’s what I am best at doing and will work on my negative features. Will take a while but I’m willing to work on them if it helps everything fit together like a big puzzle sometime in the future.

Until tommorow fanclub, I’m so tired right now ….

kc