Hey fanclub,
As of right now it’s going on 1:30 in the morning. Alot has transpired today. I think mostly I’m tired, both mentally and physically right now. Numerous reasons why. So let me explain.
First off my moving situation. This is by far the most stressful. I don’t want to explain it right now. It’s really not necessary. I’m to tired to explain.
I just feel right now that life I beileve is catching up with me. I’m so tired. So incredibly tired. I logged almost 100 hours in two weeks, oh yea… school full time. I’m so run down and just exhuasted. I need a break. I am glad as to where I’m at in life it’s just sometimes I get a little to over analytical of my situation. I often wonder if I was like a guy I know at school. He has a nice apartment car etc … His grandparents send him like 500$ every week, his parents take care of his college and any other bills he has. 2000$ a month, wow. He just sits there. Programming, playing video games. Doing whatever. -sighs- I often wonder if that was me what would happen. I don’t know .. I don’t even want to know. I think I’d be happy for about a month or two then I’d just be bored and guilty. I don’t think I could do that and actually get away with it, just morally with myself. I’ve been given an excellent childhood and an excellent lease on life and should be thankful for that much I suppose.
Thankful. I’m tired of that word too. When I had cancer that’s all I heard. YOu should be thankful kc that you have Hodgkins. You should be thankful that you didn’t have anything worse. LUCKY. I hate that word too. Oh kc, your so lucky… that’s what the families of loved ones would say. I never did like it when that was told to me. If I’m oh so incredibly lucky, what does one say about the kids that have never had it before? They are fortunate. Lucky and fortunate for some reason are two diffrent words with two seperate meanings. Whatever. I don’t feel that way.
One thing I realised, no matter what’s done in life, wether it be with your girlfriend, boyfriend, teachers parents, it doesn’t matter. It’s not what was said but how one feels about the situation. You may have done something to hurt somebody and apologised, but it doesn’t matter, it honestly doesn’t. It’s actually how THEY feel about the situation. Feelings and words are two diffrent things. It doesn’t matter how many words one says to describe how one feels, it’s how the opposite feels of the situation.
I suppose that leads me to my next topic. "Somebody" – -coughs- came to my newly created journal and actually read, well .. quite a few posts. I’d say a good 60 at least if not more. Now I can understand somebody new coming, but somebody that is a regular? Why? What point would be behind this? I’m baffled. I was literally in shock. Just as to why somebody would do this. See in my eyes I have a coin in light of the situation. As with every coin it’s got two faces. On one face, I can honestly say I’m still attracted to her, only physically. Everything else is gone. Replaced with an unforgettable, burning, almost acidic to my thought and feelings. I think about it and it’s quickly dissolved. Every account, every situation, every thought in general. It’s almost sad. I think it happens subconsiously now. -yet another sigh- that in iself is a whole other can of worms.
So it’s about two in the morning now. Yet another half hour of my day gone. And for what? I realised now it’s to help me sleep, yet again my journal has served it’s purpose. Countless hours, typing, thinking and thoughts just free flowed by electronic means, and for what? Sleep? Yes, I can honestly say that is one of my main reasons for doing this. There are others, mostly for selfish reasons, but reasons none the less.
Well tommorow at about ten in the morning we are going to Shrek 2. One of my buddies that have already seen it said that it’s absolutley halarious! I hope so .. I need a good laugh. Once theMayor feels down, it takes an excellent movie to bring up my spirits.
take care all,
kc
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