Hey fanclub,

As of right now it’s going on 1:30 in the morning. Alot has transpired today. I think mostly I’m tired, both mentally and physically right now. Numerous reasons why. So let me explain.

First off my moving situation. This is by far the most stressful. I don’t want to explain it right now. It’s really not necessary. I’m to tired to explain.

I just feel right now that life I beileve is catching up with me. I’m so tired. So incredibly tired. I logged almost 100 hours in two weeks, oh yea… school full time. I’m so run down and just exhuasted. I need a break. I am glad as to where I’m at in life it’s just sometimes I get a little to over analytical of my situation. I often wonder if I was like a guy I know at school. He has a nice apartment car etc … His grandparents send him like 500$ every week, his parents take care of his college and any other bills he has. 2000$ a month, wow. He just sits there. Programming, playing video games. Doing whatever. -sighs- I often wonder if that was me what would happen. I don’t know .. I don’t even want to know. I think I’d be happy for about a month or two then I’d just be bored and guilty. I don’t think I could do that and actually get away with it, just morally with myself. I’ve been given an excellent childhood and an excellent lease on life and should be thankful for that much I suppose.

Thankful. I’m tired of that word too. When I had cancer that’s all I heard. YOu should be thankful kc that you have Hodgkins. You should be thankful that you didn’t have anything worse. LUCKY. I hate that word too. Oh kc, your so lucky… that’s what the families of loved ones would say. I never did like it when that was told to me. If I’m oh so incredibly lucky, what does one say about the kids that have never had it before? They are fortunate. Lucky and fortunate for some reason are two diffrent words with two seperate meanings. Whatever. I don’t feel that way.

One thing I realised, no matter what’s done in life, wether it be with your girlfriend, boyfriend, teachers parents, it doesn’t matter. It’s not what was said but how one feels about the situation. You may have done something to hurt somebody and apologised, but it doesn’t matter, it honestly doesn’t. It’s actually how THEY feel about the situation. Feelings and words are two diffrent things. It doesn’t matter how many words one says to describe how one feels, it’s how the opposite feels of the situation.

I suppose that leads me to my next topic. "Somebody" – -coughs- came to my newly created journal and actually read, well .. quite a few posts. I’d say a good 60 at least if not more. Now I can understand somebody new coming, but somebody that is a regular? Why? What point would be behind this? I’m baffled. I was literally in shock. Just as to why somebody would do this. See in my eyes I have a coin in light of the situation. As with every coin it’s got two faces. On one face, I can honestly say I’m still attracted to her, only physically. Everything else is gone. Replaced with an unforgettable, burning, almost acidic to my thought and feelings. I think about it and it’s quickly dissolved. Every account, every situation, every thought in general. It’s almost sad. I think it happens subconsiously now. -yet another sigh- that in iself is a whole other can of worms.

So it’s about two in the morning now. Yet another half hour of my day gone. And for what? I realised now it’s to help me sleep, yet again my journal has served it’s purpose. Countless hours, typing, thinking and thoughts just free flowed by electronic means, and for what? Sleep? Yes, I can honestly say that is one of my main reasons for doing this. There are others, mostly for selfish reasons, but reasons none the less.

Well tommorow at about ten in the morning we are going to Shrek 2. One of my buddies that have already seen it said that it’s absolutley halarious! I hope so .. I need a good laugh. Once theMayor feels down, it takes an excellent movie to bring up my spirits.

take care all,

kc

Ok, so I’ve got somewhat a sense of accomplishment. LOL. Yea right. So I’ve lied. Today was my only day off and I did jack. Literally. Well I actually went to school, came home and did a little more nothing in the hottub which was nice. Cleaned up and went out. We went to eat at Fudruckers(sp?) which was super SHIBBY. I liked it quite a bit. The burgers were huge(and good I might add) and on top of that it was an excellent change from the normal. I liked it, oh yea, I had a pretty cool desert. Fudge, brownie with cream cheese!

Can life can any better than that? I submit that under it CANNOT!

Anywho ..

Couple changes you’ve probably seen. One is the lack of graphics and the over abundance of text. That would be my journal in it’s finest ladies and gentleman. Pure and uncut, lol .. ok so it’s cut up a little bit. In fact I noticed there is about a 6 month gap where there was no entries. My journal would be entirely huge and to long and drawn out had I included them in. That was 6 months of life that I can live without. I read them all today. I can’t beileve how I felt throughout that time of my life. It was almost pathetic but I am glad I documented it, I can at least look back and laugh at how stupid and childish I was. I think that my journal and it’s content is what has made me what I am today. No, in fact I know it has. It’s my life on a daily basis. I’m so incredibly happy I’ve kept one over the course of the last two years. I just know how to describe it. Like a kid in a candy shop I am. I think I’m so glad that I’ve kept it because my latest breakup was quite literally a piece of cake. I’ve taken all of life’s accounts into consideration and of course I’ve been hurt, but never down. Not in the depths I was before, not ever. Not once. Which is a SHIBBY feeling in itself.

I’ve since related back to my days of depression. Wether it be a year ago or even a few years ago back during my Cancer periods. I reflected actually quite a bit today. I think that is why it was so easy for me to spend a good 2 hours coding the new journal layout, how it’s arranged, it’s new database and functionality. It was easy. I just free-flowed and the next thing I knew I have created my own masterpiece. Well, I think it is. But I thought, I thought and thought some more. People I’ve met, people that I havn’t talked to in forever. People from highschool, influencial people in my life. I got a picture from one the other day. So incredibly attractive, even to this day, but only physically, nothing else is left at least in my eyes. I’ve chatted with people on ICQ today that I havn’t in quite a while. I’m just too busy. I really am. I work way to much and I also have alot of other things that I like to do other then make website. I like to play video games(however I havn’t in a while) and I like to sit and relax in the POOL. Which is where most of my spare time is spent I realised today. Just sitting there thinking. I like to think. I suppose it relaxes me. Makes me realise how good things are for me right now. Work, work is still bleh, but I’ll get by. No biggie. It pays the bills and I realise it’s only until something better comes up, I think that makes my day that much better knowing I won’t be there forever. Personal life is perfectly SHIBBY as well. I don’t get nausious(sp?) when I see couples and such in public. Instead I just gawk at the pretty ladies like the other guys. On top of that school, WOW, what can I say about school.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m just absorbing so much knowledge and it’s a good feeling. Just to listen. Listen and listen more to what others have to say. Only recently have I grown up, opened up my ears and listened to other’s people suggestions and ideas. That was a sign of ignorance on my part. Just because new ideas and new philosophies are a sign of competence and not ignorance. I suppose I would achieve far greater respect in this world if I could learn how to spell. However that’s the great thing about my journal, I’m doing it for me … however I realise other people actually read this from time to time.

Anywho .. back to school. Yes, I have a point, or at least an intresting story I’d like to share. I’ve got 4 classes. Advanced Trig with a professor who’s had numerous government contract jobs, the class is Trig and History all wrapped into one. Not because it is, but he has so many intresting stories to share! Missles, contracts etc .. he’s old, but very very smart and respectable. However funny, everytime he’s out smoking for some reason all of the attractive ladies are attracted to him. Hehe, that in my eyes is funny. The other class I have is Algorithim design and analysis. That will be a fun class. I already know it. The first day we did numerous tests on the bubble sort and quick sort. We found the bubble sort was exponential and that the quick sort was logN, which was pretty intresting. My instructor in my eyes was always arrogant and cocky however actually having him for a teacher for the first time in 2 years, he’s a super nice guy and very intresting. Very smart. Incredibly smart.

My third class is somewhat of a bummer however it too will be intresting. It’s Project Managment. It’s like a 350 course or something like that. The teacher is somewhat of a weirdo. He talked about how he met his wife online 2 years ago, of course got married and 2 years later they have 2 kids with one on the way. Now my jaw dropped. If you do the math. Wow. Yea .. that’s what I said as well. But he is incredibly smart, too smart for his own good. I sometimes think that he likes to talk to hear himself talk and not for any other reason. Which is good, he just rambles, almost as I do here sometimes, ok ok .. most of the time.

My last class I have I thought was going to be horrendous. I heard such horrible things about this guy, and on the flip side such incredible things about this guy. I was so scared, nervous is the word more like it. I had no idea what to expect. The class is Introduction to Buisness. The professor teaches at 2 major Universities in the area ontop of the one I’m at right now, he’s got 2 masters in buisness and countless bachelors. It’s pretty intimidating. He does not accept late papers, any days you miss from class, no more then four, any more than that and you are immiedatly dropped, no matter on score, knowledge or anything. Just poof. Dropped. He has 3 tests, and only 3 tests. Miss a day and you miss the test. No notes books etc … Sounds like a rough class right? NO way. Not at all … and that’s not sarcasim, that’s me being 100% serious.

I don’t know how to describe this guy. Just thinking about what he had to say today, so fasinating and real and incredibly true. Something that can be used daily. I respect this man. He says about 80% of his students absolutly love him and the other junk hate him just because of his rules. It’s simple though. We are grown ups and in buisness we need to act like grown ups. Simple concepts that any responsible person can appreciate. If you are going to be gone from class, he states that even if it’s for personal reasons wether you just don’t want to come to class or whatever, as long as it’s not abused he would count you in the class only as long as you contact him before hand. His tests, are no notes, however he will email the tests to us before hand about a week in advance so we can study.

Ok so let me get to the point I was trying to make, or at least the story. He explained to us how he reads. He takes his two fingers into a "V" and drags it down the middle of the paper, he states that once the brain is trained, and practiced of course, that the brain will pick out key words and incoorperate them into what it needs to know. It makes for far less reading and of course the main topics are covered. Of course there is a little more to it but simply put that’s what he said. Also … he said that there are only 3 phases to anything that would be a project. Or anything for that matter. BORN, GROW, DIE. Now, those words can be subsituted for anything but those are the 3 main concepts. As humans we are born, we grow then we die. With a story or movie, it’s got an intro, body and closing. With a problem you have the problem itself, the analysis of it an the resolution. He went on and on about things that could be used in life that I will definetly use. I will post more later but due to time contstraints etc .. I’ll post it later on in a more organized fashion.

Anywho …

The thing he told me that stuck out to me the most was "PERSONAL STRUCTURE" also which can be used for buisness. He talked about goals, motives and problem resolutions. He stated that it needed to be precise. Yearly, broken down in to months, down into days etc .. He stated that he wakes up at 4 in the morning to check his portfolio. Goes back to sleep. Wakes up, eats, showers, reads the newspaper, comes to work at my college, afterwards teaches at the University of Colorado, and that’s just on the weekdays! On saturday he works for IBM and StorageTeck(two incredibly huge companies) and the on Sunday he has his own buisness. Why does he push himself to the ground like he does? He asked us this and of course our reply was "WHY!??!?!?". It was classic. He simply turned around to his dry-erase board, wrote something down and had drawn a picture. The picture was of a huge umbrella with a stick figure laying down somewhat close to it on a reclining beach chair next to the ocean. He stated the umbrella wasn’t for him but for his Margeretia(sp?) to keep cool. He then drew his Margeretia and a straw to his mouth and said because he was to lazy to get up and get refils. HEHE. But the thing that caught me and everybody for that matter was what he wrote. "You will not see me in 5-7 years". We kind of just sat there and pondered and it finally hit us. He’s doing it for an ultimate goal. Sacrificing short term oppurtunities for long term opportunities. He circled "ME" and kind of pointed it towards the stick figure. It was a clear cut message. He stated everymorning when he shaved he would have look at his mirror in a special way because he had a picture of somebody laying down on the beach. As a constant reminder of his goals. So that way he can question himself daily. Making sure he is pushing himself daily to achieve those goals.

I don’t know. It was a very powerful message to me. Just everything he stated was like WOW. Definetly something I can use in my life. An excellent idea. I’m thinking of having a picture of My corvette on my computer. So I can sit down and look at it or even in my wallet. Heck, I may special order a debit card with a corvette on it so that way I can see it every time I purchase something LAME and say "HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING MR SPOKOLI!".

So today was a good day. What more can I say? Nothing really … I can only hope you had as good of a day as I did.

Oh yea, AMY! CONGRATULATIONS on your new job. I hear, you should email me sometime. I’d love to hear from you if you get this .. or if you’ve even read this far!

take care all,

kc

This is the new journal, I’m testing it out right now

So lets recap the last few days here at ozweegoVille. I decieded to stop being such a tight wad and spend a little of my saved money. Me spend money? No way .. go on. I have to admit. I almost feel female at heart sometimes. I go on splurges. I don’t buy anything for months and months at a time and then -POOF- what the heck happened? I’m sorry to report but NO dvd’s were purchased! I know I know .. weird isn’t it? My collection is a little over 100 right now of movies that I can repeat every word off of, line by line, phrase by phrase. Ask me anything about the movies I have and I can tell you anything about it. Seriously. I know, I am lame. I don’t party, do drugs or any other illegal hobbies so I have to spend it on something. Besides, laughter is the best high one can obtain, legally or not. I’d say a good 75% of my movies I own are comedy. Only the best for my collection! Anywho .. back to my story.

I decieded to spend a little cash on getting things that would improve the quality of life? I know .. yet another bummer. kc actually spending money on useless junk to improve quality of life? lol, ok ok so let me explain. First off. It’s been about 6 months since I’ve bought any clothes. That to is a shocker I know. I used to buy clothes all the time. A new outfit to make one feel good about themselves is worth every penny. So I bought some croft and borrow polo’esk type shirts, this time my new "trend" will be the color, but will not button up the entire way. I actually enjoy these shirts, moreso then I thought. I bought about 4 of this. Which normally these shirts are about 30$ a pop however me being the penny pincher got it all for 10$ a piece at kohls
Second splurge. Chedderwursts(sp?). The bratwursts but with chedder cheese inside and of course macaroni salad, and lets not forget the cherry turnovers OH BABY! That is some good stuff. I think I like it most because it reminds me of a time when I first moved to denver and that’s all I’d ever eat because I was to chicken, ok .. ok LAZY to cook anything else. It’s been at least a year since I’ve had that. And to boot I got 2 packages for 5 bucks! Where can you get bratwursts 2 packs for five dollars? NOWHERE. The cherry turnovers, so soft and chewy, SHIBBY. Safeway, I love you …

Some more splurges to come …

Third splurge. A fan. I know I know … sitting at my new computer with it being so stinking hot is really no fun. A month I’ve had my computer, I know a full month, wow how quickly time flies when your having fun! Anywho, it gets so hot at night it’s unbeilevable, if you leave the doors open it gets to cold, leave the door closed it’s too hot and leave the door cracked it blows open in the middle of the night leaving you cold, yet again. A fan, it’s a super neat fan. It’s made by lasko and basically it’s got two pieces. The bottom and top, go figure. The top actually turns and the fan oscilates. 3 modes, HIGH, MEDium, and low. This thing is cool and it was definetly worth the splurge.

The next was a necessity. I had to get this because if I didn’t I was doomed. I used to think I was an insomniac however I was doing some research and quickly dismissed that idea. Why you ask? Insomniacs do not have a hard time waking up from sleep. I do. I sleep like a rock. Yes, I sleep like a rock, that sleeps of course. Ummmm, anyways, I sleep pretty soundly and it takes me a while to get up. I suppose I just suffer from a lack of sleep, not insomnia. Thank goodness. Anywho, I had to get a new alarm clock. My old alarm clock was a cheapy me and my father bought my first day in denver because stupid me I forgot mine at home. Oh well, no big deal. It’s worked fine up until a few weeks ago. I would easily sleep through the stupid thing. At first I thought I would subconsiously hit the snooze key until I would later move it to the other side of the bedroom. If I set it for 8:00am I wouldn’t be up until at least 8:30 and the stuipd thing would be buzzing. Not a good sign. This new alarm clock I tried out in the middle of WalMart. This alarm clock is so loud that when I turned it on it felt as if the whole store went quiet not quite sure what to expect. Was that a bomb, tornado, or fire alarm? JACKPOT. I immediatly put it in my car not even realising it’s got a radio/cd player on it so I can wake up listening to my favorite tunes which is pretty nice considering I used to beileve that the "BEEP BEEP BEEP" noise had to be the very worst noise in the world. As of latley I have been using the sun as my alarm clock. I’d open up my windows before I’d go to bed along with my blinds in hope that the sun would scorch me and MAKE me get up. It’s pretty sad that not even the sun’s heat could wake me up. However, it was very sucessful. Why you ask? Sweat. I sleep on my back mostly, well .. I fall asleep on my stomach and 9 out of 10 times I wake up on my back or side. The sweat would roll down into my eyes and burn the living snot out of me. Time to wake up. I get the hint. New alarm clock. SHIBBY.

LOL, I just realised I wrote a novel on a stuipd alarm clock, oh well, I’m happy.

Next on the splurge list. 4 AA rechargable batteries. Expensive little bad boys however they do work and are worth every penny. I’ve said so much money just with my keyboard and mouse and my camera. My camera eats batteries and chews them up for dinner, however not the rechargable ones. I havn’t updated my photo gallery in forever because my rechargable batteries have been inside of my keyboard and mouse where I had originally bought them for my camera. Again, lazyness but these were not want items, they were mostly want and need items.

My next item was a want item I have to admit. I know I know I shouldn’t have however I did. I’m tired of sitting down and needing to put more ice in my cup. So why not buy a cup that you can freeze and make into one big icecube? Why not fill an icecube full of water? That’s exactly what I did. I bought a MUG that you can actually freeze! OH man it’s so handy and cool. It’s pretty tropical too. It also helps with my dishes. It’s the only cup I’ve used since and I use it for everything. Milk(which is cool when it’s frozen because it freezes to the side) and soda, water and most importantly Kool-Aid. Good Stuff.

I think that’s about it. My quality of life has improved greatly since my splurges. I have been feeling awfully well about myself but even moreso now then ever. Single life has never been greater. In fact we were all joking the other day. When I say we I’m talking about my other friends/roomates whom have recently all dumped their girlfriends to join the non-tied down ranks. We all were converging about how nice it was. Now either it’s a mask or we all are truly happy we’ll never know, but at least we feel good about it all. Anyways, one of my friends said he’d like to have a girlfriend just to borrow her water spout. Quite literally. So that way he can wash his car with a real water hose. Hehe, it made me laugh anyways just becuase I can relate. Look at me now, it’s 12:30. I dont have to do JACK. Should I go to sleep, work on my website, watch a movie or play some video games? It doesn’t matter becuase I don’t have someone nagging at me right now. HA, this is such a good feeling. The last few weeks I’ve been icnredibly happy. I can’t describe it. I feel even better knowing my presentation and term paper are done for my classes and the last 2 days are just going to be wrap up days basically.

-streches- ahhh yes, now I get to enjoy my 3 days off of school .. and then back to school. Ok, I "schwear ta gad" if I can hear you laughing, you’re laughing to loud at me. Try to keep it to yourselves. -winks-

See ya!
kc

So I’m sitting here before you today. It was such a great day to say the least. Let me lay out my day and we’ll take it from there. I wake up at about 9:00am after going to bed at about 4 or 5am, again … 5 hours of sleep. I wonder if my body will just roll over and give up one of these days lol, due to lack of sleep. I’m actually quite perky seeing as it’s 1am. Oh well, I suppose only time will tell. So I wake up, and I realise I didn’t have to go class today, well not my AM at least. I decieded that I had far to much homework so on the RARE occasion I had to omit my second class for the day. Which I later found out we worked on our projects, such a sigh of relief considering I’m done. Anywho .. woke up, ran a ton of errands. Now’s its going for noon and I start to work on OzweegoVille Chronicles(Go check it out however it’s not done yet, is any of my sites ever finished?) hehe… anywho, worked on that for an hour or so. I like this one the best so far. Just because I think it’s my first emotionally driven website. Just go take a look. The past two days for me have been nothing but reflection. So many thoughts … past relationships, people I’ve met. Situations I’ve been put in and such … it was overall a good two days. Obviously I had my moments where I was just like, wow, what the heck am I doing? How will I get through this. I still think that way but now reading back through previous journals that I’ve been put through quite a bit and made it through, somehow. It’s a good feeling. Knowing the journal not only puts me to sleep almost every night, but also puts me in a place of understanding with myself and my surroundings.

I remembered all kinds of things today .. I remembered how in the absence of my father and sister, me and my mother used to go out to KFC everyday. We’d just sit and talk about each other’s day and such. I think I miss that most. It’s increidble how quickly time flies by. 2 years ago I was just graduating highschool, and now in a little more then a year I’ll have a Bachelors(well at least at this pace I’m setting). It’s just hard to beileve how cruel, satsifiying and funny life can be. I just can’t beileve how quickly all of this is passing, it’s almost as if someone’s snapped their fingers and -POOF- here we are. Crazy.

Lol, we were in my car today with JOURNEY’S "wheel in the sky" song blaring and the windows rolled down. 5 guys in my car cruising. Well not cruising, going out to eat, and then the movies. This all happened at about 3:00. By the time we finished it was about 7 oclock. We went to go see Van Helsing. "It reeked of awesomeness"~Poker Player. Hehe. It truly was an excellent movie. Not quite was I thought it would be which is why I loved it so much. I had one idea and it was something else, far better then mine of course. Why? I have no imagination …

So let me press on. I’m at home, working on OzweegoVille Chronicles(Go check it out however it’s not done yet, is any of my sites ever finished?) and I’m talking with a friend online who’s in my technical writing class. The conversation went like this:

theMayor: Hey man, what are you up to?
Adam: Not alot, just perfecting my technical document.
theMayor: Yea, I need to start that too, probably this weekend.
Adam:Ummm, dude, it’s due on Friday at like 9AM.
theMayor: DOH!!!!

So I haul buns to get this thing done. I have about 36+ hours to finish. So I had to put down everything and start finishing up my paper. I’m happy to say that not only did I finish my project on Johnson v. Transportation Agency and completed my presentation for tommorow, I also finished my paper for my technical writing class. Ok, mostly .. all I have to do is insert my pictures, add a table of contents and make sure I proofread because WE ALL know how horrible my spelling is. Grammer wise I think I will do just fine. We’ll see .. things are just going super SHIBBY right now. I couldn’t ask for anything better …

Well maybe one thing .. I don’t want mandatory overtime anymore! It’s only 4 hours on 1 of my two days off but god does it put a damper on my schedule. Not that I’d be doing anything but sitting on my butt the entire time but who doesn’t enjoy that? Especially with a Mod for BattleField 1942 named Desert Combat .. -DROOLS- I think I got 1 if not 2 roomates intrested in building their own computers. That would be really cool …

I need to go .. however the other night I left you with "I dont’ want to know" by Marian Winans, which I’m actually listening to right now, I’ll leave you with "Broken – Featuring Amy Lee.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away