So fanclub, I am filled with so many choices and delemmas it’s not even funny. So let me explain …

First off …. probably the biggest thing on my mind would have to be my trip home right now. Yes, sadly enough but I’ll explain some more.

Well with my trip I get the 13th – 17th off. So my first choice is to drive or to fly. My sister is working on the flight home. So basically I can drive 12 hours non-stop, pay for gas food etc and get a chance to think about everything that has trasnpired in the list year of my life, bring junk home that I don’t need and bring junk from home to here. Wether it be food, movies etc .. I’m not quite sure. Just cargo in general.

OR

I can fly home. Take 3 hours round trip, maybe more maybe less. More time to be at home and family. More time to relax. However there is a chance that I could be sitting in the airport all day. Doing nothing. Twiddling my thumbs. Sound fun? hehe .. I don’t know if I can do that. See if I get stuck at the airport I would then have to drive out the next day wasting a full day that I could have been driving. What a delemma?

ok .. so with jo. I just don’t know how to handle this. I’ve never had somebody just tell me after 6 months "lets just be friends". I was shocked and somewhat saddend on my first two days off. No one there with me or what not. I think the biggest thing that got me going,mad rather was the fact that she told me I didn’t have enough time for her in a sense. I’m boring. Ok, so I figure 40+ hours of work and on top of that 30+ hours of school. So of course I’m going to be boring. Of course I’m not going to have enough time to do everything I would like to do. On my days off all I ever want to do is just sit around. I’m exhuasted. So that’s that .. I can get over it. I’m only 19. So my delemma. So do I call her and tell her I will change? I don’t want to be the hounding EX that screams take me back, I want and need you! That’s not me. Sure I want her back in my life but I don’t really need her back in my life. So here is what I’m getting at. I can let bygones be bygones and just talk to her whenever. Or I could call her and ask for forgiveness. But then she may not even want me back. Or she may be waiting for me to call her back becuase she was perhpas wrong and does not want to call me back, a matter of pride. Or like I was saying before maybe she doesn’t want me back. I just can’t help but think 6 months and -poof- done and over. Who knows. I don’t even know how to handle this.

I am somewhat relieved. I’ve been sleeping better. Waking up earlier. I don’t have to worry about calling anybody without being nagged at. I can wear whatever I want clothes wise. I can look at ladies and not have negative thoughts. Just the other nights friends came over and we played halo all night. I didn’t even think about her like I usually do. So do I call her back, or just be done with it? I’m not quite sure yet … who knows.

Nothing is going to happen until after my vacation or unless she calls me. So who knows, something may happen or nothing. I’m not going to do anything right now though. Just enjoy being single.

kc

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

Â’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
Â’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, Who called me here below,
Shall be forever mine.

When weÂ’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
WeÂ’ve no less days to sing GodÂ’s praise
Than when weÂ’d first begun.

NICKLEBACK ~ SOMEDAY

How the hell’d we wind up like this
And why weren’t we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
I wish you’d unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there’s been too much of this
But don’t think it’s too late

Nothing’s wrong
Just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I”m gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you’re wondering when
You’re the only one who knows that
Someday somehow
I’m gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you’re wondering when

Well I’d hope that since we’re here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we’ve always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story’s played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing’s wrong
Just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I”m gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you’re wondering when
You’re the only one who knows that
Someday somehow
I’m gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you’re wondering when
You’re the only one who knows that
I know you’re wondering when
You’re the only one who knows that
I know you’re wondering when

So I’m not entirely sure what to say. today. Wow. I just don’t know anymore. Oh well .. vacation is coming. Maybe I’ll drive home, maybe it’ll give me some time to think all this over. Other then that … everything is going great, but the things that arn’t going so hot is always on my mind.

talk to you later fanclub,
kc

So I figure yesterday would have been the hardest day for me. I was wrong. It went not only quickly but soundly it was an excellent day. Obviously it did have it’s moments where I just had to take a deep breathe and swallow, but for the most part it went pretty well. Usually I have to sit around until about 5 or 6 to do anything. Yesterday as soon as I got home, me and my roomates did our usual rounds. We went to circuit city, best buy, walmart and comp usa. We all then went out to eat at CI-CI’s. I thought this would be most difficult for me however in all actuallity with a good conversation with my roomates, talking about old times it was fun. Just because I always took jo there doesn’t mean I’m going to stop going. In fact I will go more regularly now just because it’s my tradition far before she ever came along. It was a good feeling yesterday as well.

I also wore my wensday shirt, on tuesday however, no bigge. It was nice. Nobody there to nag at me. I usually got nagged at for the clothes I wore. Now that I think about it I suppose I did it subconsiously intentionally to tick her off. I don’t know.

I am however really surprised how all of this is going. Do not get me wrong, I’m saddened by all of this but for some reason it’s not going as terribly bad as I thought it would have. I think the nicest thing was having these 2 days off completly to myself and not having to answer to somebody else to see what she was doing. It was nice.

Yesterday after going out to eat and all me and my roomy played raquet ball. That my friend was a blast! My other two roomates … well arn’t the greatest. Not that they are bad or anything, it’s just one is just begining and the other runs around like a chicken with his head cut off. My 3rd roomate actually has played before in the past. His motto in my opinon was "seek and destroy". Hehe, which was fitting becuase he didn’t necessarily aim, just beat the heck out of the ball as it came past him. He’s got a pretty powerful shot and if I didn’t line myself up properly it was easily a point for him. It got old after a while chasing after his powershots.. hehe. It was fun though.

Afterwards we both couldn’t move. It was halarious. We were so sore and tired and just overall achy. It was a pretty funny site.. I bet you’d laugh if you were there. I think it took us both a half hour or so just to get up the 3 flights of stairs to get to our apartment.

So my agenda for today? Not a clue. Who knows.
So before I bid thee a fairwell … in the words of Austin Powers ~ "Wait a tick, that means I’m single! Yeah baby yeah!"

Bye Fanclub!

So as it hits me like a ton of bricks, as if I was standing on the first place podium and the third place contender rips it out from underneath me. As if someone dropped a billion pounds of water and is trying to drown me. I just don’t know what to say other then I would only expect so much out of my life, or little for that matter.

Everything was going great between me and jo. Or so I thought. Then the "talk" came. I knew it was coming as the lump swelled up in my throat. Growing and growing as I could see it was going to be hard to get the point across. My only thought of the whole situation was "did she find somebody else?". What did I do wrong? It wasn’t that she found somebody else. She told me she was happy, however I’ve heard this before. This is why I have such a hard time trusting women. Lies. All lies I feel. I’m having a hard time swallowing my pride right now writing this entry. I just have to take a breathe and sigh. What happened?

Well to fill you in I was told that everything was fine. Just a few problems. Apparently she felt like everytime she went out( and when I say out I mean to parties, pool halls etc) that she felt like she was doing something wrong. Why? Because I would always shake it off and tell her that I didn’t want to know what happened. Not that I didn’t want to know, just the thought that she was out, perhaps with other guys? perhpas around physcos? Who knows .. I never wanted to know. Ever. She knew this. I suppose she felt like I was unable to accept her "bubbly ness". Who knows. The fact that I was always to busy for her. I’m not quite sure about that though. Every spare second I had I was with her. My days off, when I should be doing homework. I would wake up early on my days before school to do homework, doing homework doing breaks at school. Just so I wouldn’t have to while I was with her.

So now I feel punished for doing something good with my life. Trying to go somewhere. My name is Casey. I will be a computer programmer given enough time. I will succeed. I suppose that’s not good enough for her though. When she would take a nap during movies that we watched I would be on my laptop. Relaxing … OzweegoVille. This stupid journal. I spent to much time here with this journal. I never once punished her for speaking japanese. Her chosen career field. Practice. The only way to get better at things.

I suppose I’m not quite sure how I feel right now. Somewhat releaved I guess. Horribly saddened by this. We’ll still be friends. I’ll still invite her over for pasta nights or movie nights. She’s taught me alot about what I want in life.

I think I’m mostly shocked. Wow. Things were just going so great I thought. I suppose another step in life that needed to be taken. I’m glad that after 7 months she was able to figure this out. -note the sarcasim- hehe …

laugh. That’s all I can do. I’m in shock. I honestly am. I can’t describe it. I dont’ think I’m made like I’ve been in the past. I honestly dont’ feel anything I did was wrong. And I will not, I REPEAT, will not feel bad ever for wanting to get ahead in life. EVER! I just wish I could have shared something with her, and now more then ever I want her to know that I do care for her, however I want her to know what she passed up.

ok so where do I go from here, the 8 months I’ve used up was conformity. No more trips to CICI’S, movies .. anything…. so I think I need to get back to my roots. My happy roots. I’m 110% satsified with my life. I love it even now.I’m just shocked. Shocked.

Who knows … maybe another version of OzweegoVille to celebrate life to the greatest. This is my life. My world.

OzweegoVille.

peace,
kc