Ok .. so here is my picture … located here

http://ais.cms.k12.nm.us/~cmerrill/kc.jpg

Unfortunatley my blog will not let me post pictures, it’s suppose to block them out, which it’s doing it’s job, just annoying at this point in time.

(ding ding) As I wake up to a low constant humming, music in my ears I find myself in an unusual environment. Jarred and tossed about I realise now where I am at. 27,000 feet above earth, approximatley 300 miles from home and 600 miles per hour I find myself on a new state of the art boeing 737 non-stop to denver. The ding was the removal of the seatbelt sign basically stating "you are free to move about the cabin". Much to my dismay I thought I was asleep for about 3 hours however it only turned out to be about 30 minutes. Dazed and confused I gather my thoughts only to realise I have my headphones blaring and the next phrase I hear is

I wonder how’s it going to be when it goes down. HOw’s it going to be when I’m not around. How’s it going to be when you find there is nothing between you and me, cause I don’t care. How’s it going to be?

I couldn’t help but wipe the sleep from my eyes and make sure I understood this correctly. My mind racing full of thoughts. How exactly is it going to be? How exactly will all of this pan out? Me, my life .. everything. Intresting. When I get back home how will things be. Will things be back to normal? I hope so. I can’t tell you how happy I am. I mean, obviously I’m saddened not having jo around but so many other aspects of life improved. So all in all it’s been a win win situation. Odd, but true .. I can’t explain it nor do I feel I need to justify myself. I think we’ve all had this feeling once in life before.

("sir, sir … sir sir") I think it took the flight attendant about 50 tries to get my attention. I didn’t even have headphones. Just lost in thought as I was staring straight at the ground. Not a though in the world. Then out of the blue, cold chills, sweating and some shaking … I was completly obvlious as to what I was doing. Staring out of a window approximatly 3 miles above the ground the fact that I am deathly afraid of heights came upon me. Almost as if I was falling out of the airplane and smacked right into the ground it hit me, that quickly. Jumped back, pretty alarmed the stewartest(sp?) laughed and I asked for my usual, "diet coke on the rocks please".

I sit at the edge of my seat, head against the next seat, staring down at my diet coke. Such a small object filled with awesome amounts of happiness. So I just sit. Sit and wonder. How will things pan out.

2 hours later …

(ding ding) The light now turns back on and it’s time for the final approach. 2 hours and still I’m empty. I’ve come up short for the 50th billion

So right now I’m at home and things couldn’t be going more incredible then now. I’m not going to waste my time writing … just know that I’m in lubbock and things are going awesome!Tommorow I get new contacts and glasses! –does happy dance–

hehe … I having two pina coladas(sp?) by garth brooks singing …

I’ll leave it at that. See you soon denver, hopefully not soon enough …

theMayor

Sitting here. As you can tell it’s going for 4 in the morning. I probably won’t sleep yet again. If I do it wouldn’t be high quality. Just sleep. The act of lying still in a comfortable warm cozy fuzzy bed. We were watching the discovery channel and there was some tribe, some civilization that used to say "It’s time to end life". That’s how it translated into english. It’s time to end life. That was sleep of course. Not the ending of life but to sleep. Sometimes I feel that they are right and wrong in a sense. I realise after much thought that they actually mean that everynight they die and are re-born as if to start a new day clean and fresh. It’s a good concept I guess, however mis-translated it seems. I sometimes think that would be a good talent or superhero power to have. The power to wake up everymorning as if yesterday never happened.

Hmmm … intresting concept that is.

http://www.me.berkeley.edu/hel/bleex.htm is what i’m looking at right now. It’s rather incredible what some people come up with.

I don’t know. I’m jumping around and around as far as my thoughts. I’m so tired, just lost in thoughts. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m listening to Marylin Manson right now "the beautiful people". The beautiful people … the beautiful people …. such a great song.

What else …

not alot. Just tired but I think I’ve already mentioned that. Oh yea, i’m going home tommorow. Well technically tommorow. I usually justify my days as to when I sleep and wake up. As soon as I sleep and I wake up it’s the next day. Anywho … I’m so excited. I need a break. A huge break.

I just got out of the shower. It felt pretty good … it was pretty hot though. I thought about so much … so much that I’ve thought I’ve forgotten.

It’s going to be a rough night.

kc

So I’ve finally dug out my laptop in hopes of finding some new found faith in all that’s transpired over the last few weeks. I didn’t ever feel I’d look at my laptop the same way ever again. I thought it was the cause of our breakup. Ok, ok … so I’m being a little harsh but I really did. I thought I spent to much time on it, doing homework and the such. So I never really paid much attention to her. So broken heart in hand, along with my laptop I sit before you today.

Finished. That’s all I can think of at the moment. Well, that’s what describes me and jo anyways. I can’t even remember who called who or even why, in fact it didn’t even matter. We talked for about a half hour, then I decided to ask her out to eat. To my dismay she accepted. Wether it was to get a free meal out of it or to see me I don’t know. I’d like to think it was more of the second choice but who knows. We talked. It was almost errie as if nothing was bothering her. I could tell something was though just because of the awkward silences between us. Of course silence didn’t last very long nor was it something that happened often but when it did, it did. I figured we’d talk about our relationship when we went out to eat but it didn’t happen. We ended up recaping the good times in the last 6 months, what’s happened in our own seperate lives apart for the past 2 weeks and of course the meal. It was a good meal by the way …

So we pull up in my parking lot and it’s as if she’s to shoo me out the door. But then it happened. We started to talk. Talk about everything. We parked and just talked. When we returned home it was about 1:30am. I think we talked until about 3 or 3:30 in the morning. All sorts of things. Our communication problem, other things that were bothing us. To make a long story short I basically told her that I still do care for her and that I would like her back in my life. I stated that if something in particular I did wrong I would change but if it was just me, I told her that I wouldn’t be pretending to be somebody or something that I’m not. I don’t want that. I don’t want to beg for forgiveness I just want to make things work.

I also made clear that I was very uncertain which way I should approach the situation. To my surprise she was very forgiving and understanding of it all. I advised her that I didn’t know what to do. Should I just sit back and pretend I don’t care? Or do I hound her to death as the typical geeky ex-boyfriend? Either way. It didn’t matter. Basically all in all I spoke my piece and she was just there. Nodding in agreeance and of course she said alot of things to me.

So let me re-cap what she told me but in my own words and of course a very shortened version of it. She told me that she understood my time constraints, laptop the whole works, and it didn’t even bother her that much. Really the point being is that I don’t think she’s ready for a commitment. She likes the single life and with her personality it portrays that all the time. "Be single or tone down the personality some".

She choose to be single.

Let me explain why I don’t feel so horrible now though. At the end of the conversation I told her that I wanted somesort of closure. One way or another. I told her that once I left the car that would be it. One way or another. She just sort of blanked stared not knowing what to say or what to do for about five minutes. I started to leave and said goodbye and she was just there staring. I’ve never seen her so troubled before. Ever. The reason why I don’t feel so bad is becuase I beileve in my heart she knows what she is going to be missing out on.

Only time can tell fanclub. I need to get ready for work however.

bye all.
kc