So I figure this journal is what’s been mostly on my mind. My self worth, pride and mistakes of course. Probably alot longer then normally accustomed to but I feel the necessary urge to vent my life to everyone. Wether it be from relationships to life to the stupid things people take for granted.
I can honestly say that when it comes to women I’ve not had that many relationships in my life. My first "true love" of many was, well …. grrr … a religous nut. Perfect in every sense of the word. Definetly gorgous, attractive, very quite, and most importantly she was incredibly smart. So incredibly smart. I was so envious of her in that department. We could talk for hours and hours, about anything. She was perfect in every sense of the word except one thing. GOD. I remember writing numerous journal entries about how I thought we were perfect for each other except religion. Supposidly GOD told her that I was an evil impact on her even though I was the classical nice guy. The classic your everything but religion to me. We were going very well with each other. I througholy enjoyed her company and everything about her. I hated though the fact that I couldn’t talk to her for more then 2 hours without religon coming into the factor. Every five minutes was about why I’m such an negative bad person because I didn’t beileve in him like I should have been. So she tells me that we will never be nothing more then friends, she started to cry, my heart dropped for at least 7 months .. and that was that. We were finished. Probably not my maturist(sp?) relationship that I’ve been in however I did learn quite a bit. It brought me that much closer to what I want in the opposite sex and also it was good to grieve. I mean really grieve. Ok, so it wasn’t a very fun process but it was a good learning experience. I learned what to do and what not to do. A bad habit I have is relating process and objects and such with bad experiences. For example … for this situation I listened to lifehouse 24/7. I can’t even stomach lifehouse anymore becuase it reminds me of her. Not so much today as it once did .. but it still does.
My second false love was yet again a figmint of my imagination. I didn’t realise my true feelings until one night when she was in my car. It was at the relay for life when we were lighting candles. I don’t know.. just something about her I couldn’t even begin to explain. I relised my my heart fluttered that I was crazly insanley crazy for her. I can honestly say she was the only one I’ve ever felt nervous around. I always felt I was never good enough for her. She was so popular, very gorgous, incredibly smart. She was once the type that I used to measure everybody against. 1 Problem. She didn’t feel the same for me. I suppose I’m just a hopeless romantic. After false hopes, an incident with another guy I’d rather not get into and me never being anything more then just a friend afterall, I was left yet again alone. So perfect in every sense of the word, however incredibly stupid. Wether it be actions done by her, or that she never felt anything for me, or perhaps I’m just a tad bit bitter. I’ve never had so drastic mixed emotions about such an individual. I love her even to this very day. I also hate her to this very day. What she’s done to me. Perhaps it’s not even her. Perhaps its what I’ve thought she’s done to me that’s made me feel this way. Either way I’m not quite sure. When I think of her my heart does not quiver. It doesn’t skip a beat nor does it flutter anymore like it once used to. I don’t think of her hardly ever just becuase I suppose when I think of her I think of myself as the biggest failure. I don’t ever think I’ve felt not worth’s somebody’s time ever. She proved that too. This too was a grieving process for me. It was one heck of a grieving process. The months passed like decades and quite frankly it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever encountered. I was in a point in my life where I was so very unsure of myself, my life … my place of belonging that what happened was such an incredible blow to me that I feel I’m still recovering to this very day. It was such a hard road to go down, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Such a shame things ended up how they did, but I’m not quite sure if I’d ask for anything diffrently. I don’t want anybody in my life unless they can see me as an equal.
Which leads me to a very important moral which I’ve yet to learn.
Then there is jo. My first relationship in which I never met the person before we started our relationship. Where there was an instant attraction. Not friends but simply dating. Physical attraction was very low at first but as each day passed it increasingly gained very rapidly. Physical attraction I realise isn’t everything. She was gorgous to me. Her smile, her charm, the way she’d look at me. It made up for everything. Everything is, well was, going very well until one day I get the talk. In the end I just wasn’t good enough for her. Wether it was my time, my personality my looks .. whatever. Not good enough. Yet again. I think this one out of the rest has hurt the least. The only thing I can account it for was the fact that this was the only relationship I can honestly say up to the day of the breakup I was truly 1000000000% happy. Definetly not my type but she was there for me and I was happy. However 4 weeks later and I realise that it’s me who no longer holds her affection, it’s somewhat else. Or at least that is what it seems. 6-7months and she’s already with somebody else I imagine. I have so, so incredibly much to write. God do I have so much to write and yet the past two hours have exhuasted me … perhaps more on jo tommorow. And what does that make me feel like? Well to summarize, and I do mean summarize as worthless. I think that’s fitting right now.
I’m actually quite happy right now. Given the situation and all that has transpired. I’ve learned quite a bit over the past few years of my life. Quite honestly I’ve learned alot just within the past 2 hours that it’s taken me to write this. I’ve learned what I want, and what I need in life from the opposite sex. Wow have I just learned alot. What prompted all of this I’m not quite sure yet. Perhaps it’s this empty feeling I have in the bottom of my heart, this feeling of lonliness. Perhaps this feeling of relief. That I no longer have to worry about having a partner. Either way I’m not quite sure. I figure the fact that it’s now 2:45 in the morning has something to do with this.
I should be going now. Tonight is going to be rather intresting. I’m debating wether I should be crying myself to sleep tonight or smiling. This jo situation has made me an incredibly sad person, on the same hand incredibly happy.
Night,
kc
Post a Reply