So I’m here. I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. I found it rather intresting. It definetly was an excellent movie and I may even find myself watching it again tommorow. The thought of having so much knowledge would overwhelm me. I know teachers that I’d do anything just to have a 10th of their knowledge. Most people call me smart but there is always 10 people out there better smarter or whatever the case may be in which you can improve upon yourself. I really did like it. Not much else to say.
I suppose my head is spinning. Thoughts wondering. It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve talked to jo. For all I know she’s with somebody else. At this very moment … while I’m here writing about her. Thinking about her. I kind of just sigh to myself. One heavy breath after another. I suppose it’s quite comical if you were to see me. I just can’t describe to my fanclub what I’m feeling. Overwhelmed by the fact that I’ll never be good enough for her. That I didn’t meet up to her expectations. Other hand alot of people told me that it’s her loss and not mine. In fact alot of people even flat out told me that they knew it would never worked out becuase they knew how flambouant(sp?), outgoing party type but they didn’t have the heart to tell me. I didn’t even see it coming. Propoganda. That’s all it is. Maybe if I keep telling myself it’s her loss not mine then I’ll beileve it. But one has to wonder after mutliple instances perhaps they are perfect creatures and just maybe, perhaps it’s me that needs to change. I have no doubt I’m not perfect nor ever will be but perhaps there is something horribly wrong with me.
On the other hand I honestly can’t say how great my support system has been. I write this as if it’s been on my mind hours on end and mope around the house etc … but honestly it hasn’t. In fact I think I’ve taken this situation in it’s entirity impressively well. Of course I’m going to think about it. I’m only human, and beileve it or not I have feelings too. So of course it’s been on my mind. Not as much as other situations that I’ve encountered in the past but on my mind none the less. I’ve found myself sitting at school just thinking. That’s usually the only time when my schedule permits the act of thinking. So quite honestly that’s when I think about her. I can honestly say, aside from my days off that’s usually only when I think about the situation. What happened. What I did wrong or perhaps I’m telling myself the wrong scenario. Perhaps it’s what I did right that scared her.
I don’t know .. either way no use crying over spilled milk. I’ve actually since had a couple opportunities to go out on dates. I think the fact that people see that I’m willing to take chances on people makes them that much more intrigued by me. I suppose that’s a good thing, definetly my ego burst for my badly deflated ego and pride. How does one go about saying they were not good enough for somebody?
Better yet. How does one go to her father in which I see everyday at work and say, you know what I just wasn’t good for your daughter. I don’t know how I’m going to react to this. It’s been a few weeks and me and her father just say hello, good day …. He knows what’s happened between us I’m sure of it. I’m sure she’s already got a new boy toy. Her parents are probably used of that. Well I’m not. I don’t know how to look him in the eyes and tell him that. Perhaps he already knows this? As a father he already has the instinct that no man is good enough for his daughter, I suppose it’s just up to me to enforce that logic. But honestly, how do I approach him about this? What do I do if he approaches me about this? I’m so afraid he’s going to walk up to me and ask me what happened between us. What do I say? What do I do? There is one side of me that says, you know I hope she finds somebody that beats her, treats her like a piece of meat, disrespects you and your entire family just to make her see what she can’t have. On the other hand what if he makes her happy, makes her parents happy and is a perfect gentleman. Then I’d feel like a complete jerk. I already feel like one for saying that but it’s so hard to hide these horrible feelings I have. I would never wish that upon anybody but to say that I’ve never thought of that, well I’d be lieing honestly.
As for the other approach I would take. I could just say, well sir, I’m not sure what to say right now. Can I have a raincheck? Or I could tell him that things didn’t work out, it was mutual and it’s better this way. Of course I’d be lieing again. I just don’t know … I hope that he never approaches me about this. It’s kind of hard to avoid him though. Imagine this for once. My ex-girlfriends father sits in my seat during the morning shift, and I take over during the evening. I see him on a daily basis. I’ve never felt so incredibly awkward ever. I mean EVER.
So yea … ok so I’m done rambling now. Not because I’m done but because I honestly don’t want to type anymore. This journal has yet again succeded in putting me to sleep. Sometimes I just ramble and in doing so it makes me tired. Tired I am now. Oh look… I just yawned. So what did I do today you ask? Well I woke up at about 8, got ready and went to school. School was good. We got out of our AM class a little early so me and about 3 other buddies rolled the windows down, opened up betsie’s sunroof and sang queens bohemean rhapsdy(sp?). Talked about alot of things, women especially and everybody’s issue’s. Glad to see I’m not the only one, as horrible as that may sound. Alot of others are having the same experiences. It doesn’t make the situation any easier just more enjoyable. We all just sat around at Burger King and laughed about it all. It was alot of fun, and I’m sure there will be plenty more days of that to come. Seeing as we’ve all grown really close over the past year and a half. It’s so nice .. I like having people like this in my life. People I can relate, laugh and have fun with. Its honestly a good feeling.
I may act or sound bummed in these last few entries but I am honestly doing ok. I’m not perfectly fine but really I’m doing actually very well. I love how my life is shaping up, the lessons I’ve learned and of course all of the neat 3d animation I’m learning in my Core classes. School can’t be going better, it’s so much fun, and beisdes my silly gen-eds I enjoy going to school. Work, well I’ve learned to accept that I have a horrendous job and that it’s not going to last forever, make of it what you can while you can I say. Which is a good motto because I enjoy work moreso today then I think I ever have in the past year and a half. Everything else … I’ve learned to accept and only in time will I be able to accept and embrace the idea of this life.
Until tommorow, it’s my day off. Thankfully! We are suppose to go see that christ movie, the one that mell gibson created, is that who created it? Oh well, the one about the bible. It’s suppose to be 3 hours long and hopefully now I’ll be able to understand it.
Ok. .. so I really need to go, i’m rambling and I’m bobing for apples right now! Forgive me please dear fanclub for my horrendous spelling. I can assure you it will happen again 
Take care all!
theMayor
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