So today has been a rather intresting day. It all started with my Human Relations class. I showed up exactly on time. I walked in, sat down and so started the lecture. It was all in part becuase traffic was horrific this morning. They shut down the interstate basically for the T-Rex project which is almost completed. Traffic was at a standstill. I listened mostly to track 10 of the new Offspring CD "Splinter". Due to it’s lyrical content I’d rather not post it here however you can easily find it online at any lyrics search engine. Anywho .. on the radio was this guy that survived a plane crash about 14 years ago. Supposidly he and everybody else on this jumbo jet crashed into the earth at a raging 250mph. Yes, 250 MILES PER HOUR. That’s crazy. He stated how he entered the fusalage to save a baby that was thrown up to 30 seats. Incredible. The whole story basically turned religous really quickly ironically enough. I like to steer clear of religion and religous people. I hate opression and such. We saw Passion of Christ today. I figure I would save this fight for another day. I don’t really want to go off on all of this right now. My viewpoints are still the same. Agnostic. Not athiest by no means. For the less religiously inclined I do beileve there is a god not just quite sure of it all. As for the fight … that fight will be there .. not trying to avoid it but merley pushing it back. It’s 11:38 and again I’m here. My roomates, my buddies. Sitting around talking.

I really like times like this. Last night I didn’t get anysleep. Dan a good friend and soon to be a roomate was over until about 4 and me and him talked about everything .. well basically. I’m glad I have people to talk to. Tons, sometimes I’m just like "Hey … " because I’ve told so many people my story and it’s almost exhuasting how many people want to talk with me about everything.

Everything. Everything except cancer. I think I’ve only told 4 people here in denver. I find myself avoiding it at all costs just becuase, well honestly I dont’ want to use it as a pity party. I think about it all the time though actually. Every little thing that happens physically mentally reminds me of cancer. I could stubb my toe and I have cancer. I suppose that qualifies me as a hypocondriact(sp?) Oh well. I seriously thought for about 1 minute that I did have it again. I was sitting in the doctors office and my doctor walked in, paused for what seemed like an incredibly long time before speaking. It hit me. What if I had it again? What if …

BLEH… what if I fell through my apartment floors 3 stories high while sitting on the crapper. What if … What if .. What if. That’s all life is. What if.

I figure I should be going now… I’ve got a ton of music to listen to in not enough time. Maroon Five – This love, Offspring – Self Esteem, Disturbed – Down with the sickness and so many others … but before I leave you. Let me leave you with probably my new favorite quote taken from the movie School of Rock regarding the Man …

Peace,
kc

Said by Dewey Finn to his newly acquired class
Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can’t win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you’re just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don’t know the man. He’s everywhere… in the Whitehouse… down the hall -Ms. Mullens, she’s the man. And the Man ruined the ozone, he’s burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called Rock and Roll, but guess what, oh no, the man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don’t waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome cause the man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!

So I figure this journal is what’s been mostly on my mind. My self worth, pride and mistakes of course. Probably alot longer then normally accustomed to but I feel the necessary urge to vent my life to everyone. Wether it be from relationships to life to the stupid things people take for granted.

I can honestly say that when it comes to women I’ve not had that many relationships in my life. My first "true love" of many was, well …. grrr … a religous nut. Perfect in every sense of the word. Definetly gorgous, attractive, very quite, and most importantly she was incredibly smart. So incredibly smart. I was so envious of her in that department. We could talk for hours and hours, about anything. She was perfect in every sense of the word except one thing. GOD. I remember writing numerous journal entries about how I thought we were perfect for each other except religion. Supposidly GOD told her that I was an evil impact on her even though I was the classical nice guy. The classic your everything but religion to me. We were going very well with each other. I througholy enjoyed her company and everything about her. I hated though the fact that I couldn’t talk to her for more then 2 hours without religon coming into the factor. Every five minutes was about why I’m such an negative bad person because I didn’t beileve in him like I should have been. So she tells me that we will never be nothing more then friends, she started to cry, my heart dropped for at least 7 months .. and that was that. We were finished. Probably not my maturist(sp?) relationship that I’ve been in however I did learn quite a bit. It brought me that much closer to what I want in the opposite sex and also it was good to grieve. I mean really grieve. Ok, so it wasn’t a very fun process but it was a good learning experience. I learned what to do and what not to do. A bad habit I have is relating process and objects and such with bad experiences. For example … for this situation I listened to lifehouse 24/7. I can’t even stomach lifehouse anymore becuase it reminds me of her. Not so much today as it once did .. but it still does.

My second false love was yet again a figmint of my imagination. I didn’t realise my true feelings until one night when she was in my car. It was at the relay for life when we were lighting candles. I don’t know.. just something about her I couldn’t even begin to explain. I relised my my heart fluttered that I was crazly insanley crazy for her. I can honestly say she was the only one I’ve ever felt nervous around. I always felt I was never good enough for her. She was so popular, very gorgous, incredibly smart. She was once the type that I used to measure everybody against. 1 Problem. She didn’t feel the same for me. I suppose I’m just a hopeless romantic. After false hopes, an incident with another guy I’d rather not get into and me never being anything more then just a friend afterall, I was left yet again alone. So perfect in every sense of the word, however incredibly stupid. Wether it be actions done by her, or that she never felt anything for me, or perhaps I’m just a tad bit bitter. I’ve never had so drastic mixed emotions about such an individual. I love her even to this very day. I also hate her to this very day. What she’s done to me. Perhaps it’s not even her. Perhaps its what I’ve thought she’s done to me that’s made me feel this way. Either way I’m not quite sure. When I think of her my heart does not quiver. It doesn’t skip a beat nor does it flutter anymore like it once used to. I don’t think of her hardly ever just becuase I suppose when I think of her I think of myself as the biggest failure. I don’t ever think I’ve felt not worth’s somebody’s time ever. She proved that too. This too was a grieving process for me. It was one heck of a grieving process. The months passed like decades and quite frankly it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever encountered. I was in a point in my life where I was so very unsure of myself, my life … my place of belonging that what happened was such an incredible blow to me that I feel I’m still recovering to this very day. It was such a hard road to go down, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Such a shame things ended up how they did, but I’m not quite sure if I’d ask for anything diffrently. I don’t want anybody in my life unless they can see me as an equal.

Which leads me to a very important moral which I’ve yet to learn.

Then there is jo. My first relationship in which I never met the person before we started our relationship. Where there was an instant attraction. Not friends but simply dating. Physical attraction was very low at first but as each day passed it increasingly gained very rapidly. Physical attraction I realise isn’t everything. She was gorgous to me. Her smile, her charm, the way she’d look at me. It made up for everything. Everything is, well was, going very well until one day I get the talk. In the end I just wasn’t good enough for her. Wether it was my time, my personality my looks .. whatever. Not good enough. Yet again. I think this one out of the rest has hurt the least. The only thing I can account it for was the fact that this was the only relationship I can honestly say up to the day of the breakup I was truly 1000000000% happy. Definetly not my type but she was there for me and I was happy. However 4 weeks later and I realise that it’s me who no longer holds her affection, it’s somewhat else. Or at least that is what it seems. 6-7months and she’s already with somebody else I imagine. I have so, so incredibly much to write. God do I have so much to write and yet the past two hours have exhuasted me … perhaps more on jo tommorow. And what does that make me feel like? Well to summarize, and I do mean summarize as worthless. I think that’s fitting right now.

I’m actually quite happy right now. Given the situation and all that has transpired. I’ve learned quite a bit over the past few years of my life. Quite honestly I’ve learned alot just within the past 2 hours that it’s taken me to write this. I’ve learned what I want, and what I need in life from the opposite sex. Wow have I just learned alot. What prompted all of this I’m not quite sure yet. Perhaps it’s this empty feeling I have in the bottom of my heart, this feeling of lonliness. Perhaps this feeling of relief. That I no longer have to worry about having a partner. Either way I’m not quite sure. I figure the fact that it’s now 2:45 in the morning has something to do with this.

I should be going now. Tonight is going to be rather intresting. I’m debating wether I should be crying myself to sleep tonight or smiling. This jo situation has made me an incredibly sad person, on the same hand incredibly happy.

Night,
kc

So I’m here. I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. I found it rather intresting. It definetly was an excellent movie and I may even find myself watching it again tommorow. The thought of having so much knowledge would overwhelm me. I know teachers that I’d do anything just to have a 10th of their knowledge. Most people call me smart but there is always 10 people out there better smarter or whatever the case may be in which you can improve upon yourself. I really did like it. Not much else to say.

I suppose my head is spinning. Thoughts wondering. It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve talked to jo. For all I know she’s with somebody else. At this very moment … while I’m here writing about her. Thinking about her. I kind of just sigh to myself. One heavy breath after another. I suppose it’s quite comical if you were to see me. I just can’t describe to my fanclub what I’m feeling. Overwhelmed by the fact that I’ll never be good enough for her. That I didn’t meet up to her expectations. Other hand alot of people told me that it’s her loss and not mine. In fact alot of people even flat out told me that they knew it would never worked out becuase they knew how flambouant(sp?), outgoing party type but they didn’t have the heart to tell me. I didn’t even see it coming. Propoganda. That’s all it is. Maybe if I keep telling myself it’s her loss not mine then I’ll beileve it. But one has to wonder after mutliple instances perhaps they are perfect creatures and just maybe, perhaps it’s me that needs to change. I have no doubt I’m not perfect nor ever will be but perhaps there is something horribly wrong with me.

On the other hand I honestly can’t say how great my support system has been. I write this as if it’s been on my mind hours on end and mope around the house etc … but honestly it hasn’t. In fact I think I’ve taken this situation in it’s entirity impressively well. Of course I’m going to think about it. I’m only human, and beileve it or not I have feelings too. So of course it’s been on my mind. Not as much as other situations that I’ve encountered in the past but on my mind none the less. I’ve found myself sitting at school just thinking. That’s usually the only time when my schedule permits the act of thinking. So quite honestly that’s when I think about her. I can honestly say, aside from my days off that’s usually only when I think about the situation. What happened. What I did wrong or perhaps I’m telling myself the wrong scenario. Perhaps it’s what I did right that scared her.

I don’t know .. either way no use crying over spilled milk. I’ve actually since had a couple opportunities to go out on dates. I think the fact that people see that I’m willing to take chances on people makes them that much more intrigued by me. I suppose that’s a good thing, definetly my ego burst for my badly deflated ego and pride. How does one go about saying they were not good enough for somebody?

Better yet. How does one go to her father in which I see everyday at work and say, you know what I just wasn’t good for your daughter. I don’t know how I’m going to react to this. It’s been a few weeks and me and her father just say hello, good day …. He knows what’s happened between us I’m sure of it. I’m sure she’s already got a new boy toy. Her parents are probably used of that. Well I’m not. I don’t know how to look him in the eyes and tell him that. Perhaps he already knows this? As a father he already has the instinct that no man is good enough for his daughter, I suppose it’s just up to me to enforce that logic. But honestly, how do I approach him about this? What do I do if he approaches me about this? I’m so afraid he’s going to walk up to me and ask me what happened between us. What do I say? What do I do? There is one side of me that says, you know I hope she finds somebody that beats her, treats her like a piece of meat, disrespects you and your entire family just to make her see what she can’t have. On the other hand what if he makes her happy, makes her parents happy and is a perfect gentleman. Then I’d feel like a complete jerk. I already feel like one for saying that but it’s so hard to hide these horrible feelings I have. I would never wish that upon anybody but to say that I’ve never thought of that, well I’d be lieing honestly.

As for the other approach I would take. I could just say, well sir, I’m not sure what to say right now. Can I have a raincheck? Or I could tell him that things didn’t work out, it was mutual and it’s better this way. Of course I’d be lieing again. I just don’t know … I hope that he never approaches me about this. It’s kind of hard to avoid him though. Imagine this for once. My ex-girlfriends father sits in my seat during the morning shift, and I take over during the evening. I see him on a daily basis. I’ve never felt so incredibly awkward ever. I mean EVER.

So yea … ok so I’m done rambling now. Not because I’m done but because I honestly don’t want to type anymore. This journal has yet again succeded in putting me to sleep. Sometimes I just ramble and in doing so it makes me tired. Tired I am now. Oh look… I just yawned. So what did I do today you ask? Well I woke up at about 8, got ready and went to school. School was good. We got out of our AM class a little early so me and about 3 other buddies rolled the windows down, opened up betsie’s sunroof and sang queens bohemean rhapsdy(sp?). Talked about alot of things, women especially and everybody’s issue’s. Glad to see I’m not the only one, as horrible as that may sound. Alot of others are having the same experiences. It doesn’t make the situation any easier just more enjoyable. We all just sat around at Burger King and laughed about it all. It was alot of fun, and I’m sure there will be plenty more days of that to come. Seeing as we’ve all grown really close over the past year and a half. It’s so nice .. I like having people like this in my life. People I can relate, laugh and have fun with. Its honestly a good feeling.

I may act or sound bummed in these last few entries but I am honestly doing ok. I’m not perfectly fine but really I’m doing actually very well. I love how my life is shaping up, the lessons I’ve learned and of course all of the neat 3d animation I’m learning in my Core classes. School can’t be going better, it’s so much fun, and beisdes my silly gen-eds I enjoy going to school. Work, well I’ve learned to accept that I have a horrendous job and that it’s not going to last forever, make of it what you can while you can I say. Which is a good motto because I enjoy work moreso today then I think I ever have in the past year and a half. Everything else … I’ve learned to accept and only in time will I be able to accept and embrace the idea of this life.

Until tommorow, it’s my day off. Thankfully! We are suppose to go see that christ movie, the one that mell gibson created, is that who created it? Oh well, the one about the bible. It’s suppose to be 3 hours long and hopefully now I’ll be able to understand it.

Ok. .. so I really need to go, i’m rambling and I’m bobing for apples right now! Forgive me please dear fanclub for my horrendous spelling. I can assure you it will happen again

Take care all!
theMayor

So yea, was strumming through a people magazine at work today and I see a TRIM SPA commercial and I see this. www.trimspa.com. Intrigued I go there and sure enough I see anna nicole smith. Huge as she was and somewhat … somewhat UN-Intelligant as she is I find her very very attractive physically of course. I would never even think about such a being as a mate just because I think I’d have better conversations with a rock however physically. Wow. I was shocked. Still am. I just can’t beileve the transformation. However it’s been quite some time, year or two since I’ve last seen her on her tv show. Lol, incredible how attractive some ladies are and yet nothing up top, up top in the head of course.

I don’t know. I’m still in awe. Of course taking a look at the main image the picture of her on the right is so very unattractive. The one I’m referring to is the after picture. I up to this point have never had a "type" however I am strongly attracted to someone who’s physical attributes meets hers. Obviously I dont’ like her in general just because of the portait she paints of herself or her intelligance but I do like her physical charachteristics. Is it just me or what, ok so I’m weird.

So what’s new? Not alot. Just alot of great things. We’ve been getting out alot latley. My self-esteem has driven way up, so has my confidance about myself due in part of everything everybody has told me latley. Inflates the ole ego just a tad. Probably to much but oh well. I don’t mind for the time being. Today me and the roomates woke up at about 9:30 and an hour later were gone. We went to Einsteins beagels and also a place called jumba juice. Excellent stuff there. We ate outside at the tables in the fresh air and it was gorgeous. Mountains in the background and of course the sun in my face. Good Stuff. Jumba Juice is always good. I got the razzmataz with an immunity boost found here:http://www.jambajuice.com/menuguide/smoothies/razzmatazz.html

Hmmmm … so good. Anywho … we watched conheads. Washed my car and did some other neat things. Most of all we had a good time with each other. Me and my roomates of course. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s been really nice.

I should be going now. I need to go play some video games. BattleField 1942 souds appropriate. I need to buy the full version not just the demo. Oh well. Maybe sometime soon.

Take Care all … I’ll leave you with my new favorite song.

SELF-ESTEEM ~ OFFSPRING
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practice all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay cause I got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection’s got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her no
When she’s saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should speak up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah yeah yeah
Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

I’ve actually gone out, well my roomate has, and bought all of the offspring cds and I must admit. They all have something to offer.

Thanks,
kc

So today good stuff is going on. I needed to watch ConeHeads on my days off however I never got around to it. The Pest however was watched … multiple times. I cleaned both the inside and outside of my car however my trip downtown with the rain and all kind of ruined all of that. Inside’s clean though. I bought two cd’s when I was delayed at the Houston International Airport. (coughs) Sorry … IAH. International Airport of Houston. It’s actually an incredibly nice airport. They have a "sky box" used specifically for fox sports. I sat up there for about two seconds then felt like I had to buy something so I left. Went down to the stores and bought a pretzel, some CD’s. Disturbed and 3rd eye blind. Semi-Charmed life. Hence the previous journal posting. Disturbed. Awesome band. Everything that I look for. Good lyrics, head banging fast paced. Awesome.

It doens’t help any either that it’s getting extrmely warm out right now and I love the summer, driving with the sunroof open, clean car and windows rolled down. Excellent stereo, tons of fun. Lots of good stuff.

Today I told you all I’d write about my trip home, however I don’t feel any need to do that right now. Why? Becuase I think I’m on cloud 9. No apparent reason. Just am. I have so much stuff to do that I think it would take me 9 lives with my current schedule to get anything done.

I think the reason I’m so estatic right now is the acquisition of some new software. I have recently purchased Visual Studio.Net C++ at the academic price for 77 bucks. Schweet! My only other alternative would have been to go out, but the Stuido/Professional version that contains C pound, HAHAH, I said C pound, hopefully none of my friends read this (coughs) CSHARP I should say. Anywho .. I’m pretty stoked about that. Also I’m getting my WestWood ID. Why so happy about that? It’ll say that I’ve graduated pursuing my Bachelors in Software Engineering. And of course get free soda from the local stores and other neat discounts.

So I should be getting going now. I’m typing all of this in my 3d game engine class of course during my break.

LaterZ fanclub,
kc