My day is coming. Today at work, well.. it was work. I have a crappy job. We all have. whatever. yOu have to do it. Mine will only be for a little longer hopefully. On may 4th I will be applying for part time. I can’t wait. How cool would it be going to bed at like 10 every night! How cool would it be to be bored? How cool would it be to have a surplus of sleep? Well, I may bite my words but I think I am going ot enjoy this. I need this too. I’ve missed out on so much. I need to sit back and let this college life hit me!

As for my old infactuation, the one in which bears the fake blood of my broken heart, the one in which I thought was angelic but brought me to the depths I never thought possible. Ok i’m done. I’m not sure exactly what to think about all of this. If I were to say I moved on 110% I’d be crazy, crazy about her. Obviously not as much as I used to, but enough. I’m really confused. I suppose I hope she finds somebody soon that treats her right. I wish she’d walk along the this crappy pond called green acres and accidently run into somebody that will change her life. Make her happy. Sweep her off her feet and show her a good time. Someone outgoing and adventurous(sp?). In a way I wish it were me that could sweep her off her feet, on the same hand I wish it were someone else becuase I know I can’t do any of that. I just suck at relationships, I suck at taking chances. I’m a coward and she doesn’t need that. Sometimes I feel I can do all of that, but If I could it would have happened in the previous eight months. She needs someone not so innocent and quiet, she needs somebody that is just as outgoing as she. Obviously that’s not me. Maybe things between us will change, but maybe she’ll find mr right. maybe it’ll be me, maybe it’ll be somebody else. I don’t know. I want so badly to be in a relationship, even with her, but on the same hand, I want things to go perfectly. I want the feelings to be mutual and I wish some things would have never happened. If I thought that she felt the same, none of these things would have happened thenI’d be living in a fantasy world. I don’t want to get burned. I don’t ever want to go through what I did. I don’t ever want to ever. Stick me with needles, throw me in the hospital for another two years, tell me in two months I will die, all of which would be physical pain, which would be far less painful then my emotional pain that I experienced not so long ago.

I’d be willing to risk it all just not to be alone. Geez, such a crappy word. Alone. I’m only eighteen I shouldn’t be thinking about this at all!! I have an internship grasping at my fingertips, and straight a’s in college and betsie to think about. This thought, alone, eats away at me both physically and emotionally. Give the heart time to heal, and the brain to think about my future. Or just don’t worry about myself, put my everything on the line, my heart, my soul, my well being and have it brushed aside? I wish life consisted of easy choices. I also wish that life came with a manuel. Broken heart, page 44 of the owners manuel, how to move on, next page… undo the move on, on page 42 … All of this is a huge mess. One that is going to take me more time than I care to imagine to clean up. I find myself more and more thinking about this… I’m not sure why. I shouldn’t be. I should let things do as they plan, becuase I’ve found out, I have absolutly no control over anything in my life, regarding other people. they will do what they do and inflict pain as they see fit. I’m sure that people think things are going better… but I suppose it’s still the same.

how blue can i get
you could ask my heart
and like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
a million words couldnt say
just how i feel

I think that about sums it up. I need to go. it’s late already. I’ve probably said things I shouldn’t but it’s ok, I don’t think too many people read this anyways. Maybe i’ll open up a blog at diaryland.com and go put my screen name something that nobody knows about, and then explain in great detail in what I feel.Strangers would respond and tell me how I need to grow up, or tell me how exactly II explained there life stories. I could do that probably all night. sometimes I wish I could. I really need too. If my broken heart could explode I think it would. Thats why i like this journal. This journal is like the holes that doctors put into lungs to release the pressure. Releasing pressure. I need to get my act together. Or crawl up in my bed and go to sleep. I think I’ll do both. But anyways…

LaterZ Citezens
Mayor of OzweegoVille

I suppose if there ever is a day that you have just a plan, today is that day. I finally got my work/financial situation all figured out. Beginning on May 4th, I’m hoping that life is going to be good. I’m hoping to drop down to part time at echostar, and then on top of that, I am hoping to maybe pick up a stupid little side job. It had me drooling to think that I could start getting off of work at 8 oclock, instead of midnight. An option that I like tremendously. That means that I can come home, relax, and go to bed all before ten oclock. A bed time of ten oclock is going to see a little unbeileveable(sp?) but I suppose I deserve it. I am getting burned out. Working and going to school about 3 times more than I sleep. 5 to 6 hours of sleep every night just is not cool. With my body or my mind.

Why may 4th? That is the earliest that I can apply for part time. Partly becuase that I am due for my six months. Everything at this stupid company is a minimum of six months, but oh well.. part time.. part time.. part time.. soooo nice! Anyways, we’ll have to see. I may bite my own words later on, but who knows. We’ll see.
Take Care,
~The Mayor of OzweegoVille~

Howdy all,
Well today was decent. I did my usual running around, the washing of betsie, and the midnight washing of my laundry. I should be in bed right now but I can’t sleep.. as usual. No surprise there. I’m going to be dog tired in the morning for my eight oclock class, but hey,sue me.

Today I read through alot of my journal entries. It’s good to do that from time to time, even if it means opening up old wounds, drenching it with salt and then having lemon sprinkled over the top. It’s a good feeling, don’t trust me? Well you should… It’s horrible. I can’t believe what I wrote in one of my October journal entries. I mean, that is exactly what I was feeling, but I didn’t realise what I was typing I suppose. It was true, all of it. "My goals wern’t to grow up and be rich, it was to have her in my life." Obviously I was mistaken and have since moved on. Not on to bigger and better things and new people, but to new ideas. I figure to be by yourself, you only have yourself to trust, and in that case, I wouldn’t lie to myself. I mean, I do, but deep down I know or a fact that I am lieing to myself and it only affects me in the long run and nobody else. I like that idea. Besides the idea of being alone the thought that I have so much going for me. I am living on my own, pretty much independant from my parents, who I love very dearly, I have my own car, appartment, job, going to school to be in one of the leading fields of technology, it’s pretty overwhelming. To see that I’ve made it this far without anybody, in a relationship that is, is pretty neat too. That means I’ve endeverd life’s trials and tribulations alone. alone. A word that although may be depressing, it is doable. A state in which I prefer right now. Why? I can only trust myself, and even then I really can’t trust myself. Trust myself to follow my brain instead off my ticker, aka heart which has gotten me burned so many times.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

I suppose I am a fool for clicking the send button, suppose I am a fool for wishful thinking, either way I lose. Either way I get burned and either way things will never be as they seem. I don’t want to make a fool of myself again, nor do I want to get crushed again.

I should be careful as to the choosing of my words, for I beileve my fanclub is more than that of just cassie and coy as I once had thought for the longest time. Although I’m not even sure if cassie care’s anymore. Coy, I never hear from coy, and when I do, he is usually just as depressed or as happy as I. One extreme or the other, averaging out to be pretty happy I suppose.

Well, it’s about 3 in the morning, I need some sleep, but I doubt I will ever sleep again. Probably just toss and turn with these hellish nightmares, and this echoing of god laughing at me in the background. But that’s fine, you laugh it up, there is nothing I can do about it except crawl into my own little world.

OzweegoVille.

And that is what I am going to do.
I’m finished, goodnight all

Take Care,
kc

If you could only read my song, originally I could not find this song for the life of me! I heard the lyrics on a movie and loved the beat, so I found out that it was a song called "read my mind" by some group named the wave, do a lyric search on it, it’s got great lyrics. Anyways, I could not find that song on ANY peer to peer host so I decided to watch that part of the movie and did another search, sure enough, –POOF– it wasn’t the wave at all, it was offspring! I downloaded it and loved it! The offspring are great! They are one of those bands in which are probably totally underated, so I downloaded all of there songs. EXCELLENT GROUP. "Want you bad" Download it, buy it do whatever, great song.

Well it’s about 4:40 in the morning, so i’m kind of tired so i’m not sure what else to say. I washed betsie today… I ate buffalo wings, there is no pretty way to eat buffalo wings!… compliments to my work, for they are the ones that fed us…. for once…. each day it gets more and more pathetic. Anyways… what else?! I dunno, i’m doing very well, keeping myself busy with eating sleeping hanging out with friends school and work, all of which makes for a busy lifestyle. Therefore I’ve decided to put my social life on hold until I move. I don’t want any ties or commitments, besides… errr… no besides… not here, not now. I’d have woman activists(sp?) hunting me. Oh well… check out that song… peace out!

Adios
The Mayor of OzweegoVille

How am I doing? Excellent. I must say… Why you ask? Amany monkeys off my back, and my year anniversary(sp?) with betsie. It’s hard to beileve how quickly this past year has flown by. I suppose that is what happens when your busier than all hell. But anyways… this weekend, to commemerate(sp?) the anniversary(sp?) I am going to spend double the usual time it takes to wash wax and clean the interior. Then head off and get some ice cream and more than likely travel to what they call "red rocks" it’s a place in the middle of nowhere in which there is a bueatiful river and a creek that runs through the valley. Last time I went there I had a nightmare that the cliff I parked next too, I forgot to put my e-brake on and betsie ran down the hill… yea Iknow.. scary eh? Anyways, you can be assured that when I awoke from that hellish nightmare, I was covered in sweat, and freezing too! Well, things have been going semi bumpy for me latley. I got rejected for my promotion at work, why you ask? Two lousy weeks. I ddin’t meet the minimum time requirment, and that was IT. Ticked me off pretty good, becuase I was more than qualified for the position, but it’s ok. I am going for Operational Advisor here shortly, I do meet the qualifications, any thing to put more money in my pocket, more o in my ego and res in respect, I’m up for it.

Well, I sucked up my ego the other night. Wrote a semi-apology letter. To be honest, i’m not quite sure why. Every time I do that it makes me out to be the bad guy, sort of like my apology letter is a written agreement between the two that I’m the loser. HA, anyways.. I did it. The gist of it was I’m sorry… maybe I shouldn’t have been a jerk, but still… you’ve done wrong, i’ve done wrong, lets just live in peace in our two peachy worlds, alone… well… hopefully not for long. I think either this weekend or next I’m going out. I needed that too. I felt bad for asking but she agreed. So we’ll see. the only place that is open after midnight (aka work) is midnight. Like usual we’ll have to see. by no means do I like her.. I respect her mainly. She and I both agree that one another is perfect for one another when it comes to venting purposes. Nothing will come out of it, partly becuase she’s out of my class and to be honest, I don’t trust her. That will take time.. trust. But anyways, I trust betsie, and on this momentous occasion, there is noone I’d rather be with than her. –holds up bottle of diet coke(add any beverage here)– TO BETSIE!! THE ONE AND ONLY!!!

PEACE OZWEEGOVILLE!!!!
kc