Hey fanclub,
It was brought to my attention here recently that maybe due to certain people I censer (sp?) my journal entries becuase he/she may be reading them. At first I found this idea proposterous(sp? again) becuase usually my journal entries are me half asleep, typing whatever comes to mind. What I didn’t realise is that my right side of my brain in which holds all intellectual pieces of information about myself has a lock on it. somewhat hidden from the world. Pieces of information kept hidden to myself and for nobody else to know, but me. Maybe that’s so.. maybe I don’t… I got to thinking that maybe I would unlock certain pieces of this puzzle and relate them in my enteries. It would be nobody’s fault if they found these pieces of information except for of course the people that continued reading it. If the information they gathered through these journal entries at all related to them, they would know it, probably use it against me in someway, which just would not seem right… I have so much inside of me kept hidden, bottled up that would probably do some severe damage. I’m surprised it hasn’t done more damage to myself in which it has so far. Eating and eating away at me. Only I am to bear that responsiblity. For my own stupidity to keep it bottled inside.
Of course this is me at two oclock in the morning, just moaning about how things are for me right now. I found out that chances are pretty good that if I go to part time at work that I will be losing some of my pay each hour… drop down to 8 instead of 11. I can’t keep doing this. Working full time is becoming to much for me. Maybe I am young and stupid. Maybe I can’t do this. What if I drop out? What if I quit? I can’t quit, I’m not the quitting type, besides Ive never been one to back down away from challenges. I suppose I cowar from them. In everything I’ve done I’ve coward. The past six months I have been doing this, working more then I sleep. It’s hard to beileve but it’s true. I don’t sleep well anymore at night and although I still have a 3.9 GPA right now, I feel that my school work is going to be neglected in some way. I feel I need my life to slow down. I suppose that is what always gets me burned though. Slow. I enter relationships and try to pursue them to slowly, I like to take my time instead of rushing, but that leads to other things other than relationships. I like to take my time slowly drinking hot chocolate, but the slower you drink hot chocolate the more it burns your tonuge.
I’m sure my fanclub is reading this. I’m also sure that a select individual may be reading this. I’ve since decided to remove my tracker. Remove any indication as to whom reads this. I don’t want to know. I do… but would rather not.
To this day, badly broken is my heart that bleeds still… to this very day. I suppose like the common cold, there will be no cure for a broken heart, only time. It feels like it’s been an eternity, but it’s only been a month or two for me with my healing process. GOD, I want so badly for her to be a greater part of my life, to see things the way I once did. Things between us will be diffrent. Maybe in time they will be ok, but not now. Not soon. I used to think it was my pride that was keeping me from feeling what I once did. But I was nieve, it was my sense of fear. Fear of getting to close yet again, to beileve the words that have been said, or to even trust again. Maybe fear will lead me astray, but maybe my fear will guide me.
I need to go… my contacts are coming out… and I for once am tired. This is the first time in a while that I’ve actually felt human. It feels good too… it does feel good.
kc
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