Excellenta

Hey,
Coy, I’ve read your journal. Im sure we agree on some things, but not a whole lot. Especially on the relationship part. I didn’t say I ever wanted one (maybe I did, but I didn’t mean it) just not right now.

" Do I want to find miss right? I sure do.. but I don’t want to go out of my way and make my life more miserable getting my heart squashed as if it were a cochroach in the kitchen. It’s just not worth it. But on the other hand I want somebody to share my life and expeirences with. I mean I beileve that I am a smart, funny, fun loving, good natured kind of a guy. One who loves to talk and to hold up a conversation. But yet, sit me next to a smart, attractive women, one in which I might have a shot in hell with, and have a conversation with. My brain turns to crap, I act completly not normal, I get real nervous and my knees start to shake. So she leaves the conversation, and my life for that matter, just as quickly as she came into it. Not looking back…. And yet.. I wanted so much for it to work out… but I’m still nervous and my knees are still shaking. I go and run to catch up with her and I trip, fall, SMACK right on my face. I’m so dissapointed and ashamed of my behavior that I just stay face flattened against the floor. My only wish is that misses right is there to pick me back up again…. "

That’s what I want.

your right coy, we should start a mailing list. I went to php.net and found out some pretty intresting stuff on mailing. Once I go to part time, you can bet that that will be one of the many coding queries that I will look into. Except for one thing of course…. you need to update your site more than one time a week. Although I admit, you’ve been doing it at a regular basis now.

As for cassie, She’s trying her very hardest! LOL, seriously! I wish she’d hurry up and learn html. It’s so fun cassie, give it a shot! Besides that, I’m curious to know what’s up with you and the rollercoaster life that your living, that we are all living.

I did alot of stuff this weekend. I bought some video games, funny…. I havn’t even opened there packages… I bought a movie. SuperNova. I love space exploration, but this movie just sucked. A waste of ten bucks. But oh well.. another dvd to add to my collection. I havnt been able to actually buy a movie in so long. I havn’t worked enough hours each week to do it… before.. I used to get off work like an hour early every night… making my paychecks crappy, but liveable. That’s what I want, liveable. Liveable! If I had a hundred bucks to spend each week, on food/gas/lesiure, I’d be all set! I’d definetly have to manage money better.. but it’d be liveable.

I have everything I need in life right now. My laptop, movies, a pillow and a nice huge blanket and cozy carpeting for my floor. The only thing I need is sleep. And of course a relationship. But I can live without that. So many things I wish I could say, but not enough time in the day to say them. Why is it that these entries always end up this way? Talking about past regrets, mishaps and a broken heart. I suppose it’s becuase it’s always on my mind following how much I hate my job full time, how little sleep I get and my family and friends. All of which comes first to me. But it’s always there… tearing it’s own little hole in the back of my brain, making itself cozy, a nusiance(sp?). I suppose you know what I’m talking about coy. I’m sure you do. I realise now that so much has changed. WOW, so much has changed….

I remember waking up after falling asleep during a movie, I woke up with all my pillows next to me,sleeping on my side with my arm outreached as if holding someone close. Stupid pillow. How ironic that a pillow can mimic the breathing patterns of a human! Anyways… at that moment, when I looked down to see nobody there I then realised things changed. WOW, had things changed. The person I cared most about was in somebody elses arms, not even thinking about me, lost in the moment. You always hear love stories about people far away from each other, wondering if they are staring at the same moon as you, at that same exact insant, and if they are… it was meant to be. But they never prepare you with what happens if you look up at the exact same moon, wondering if that special somebody is looking back at the moon, but in actuallity they are gazing into the eyes of another. There is no way to tell. There is no way to even prepare you for the crushing blow when you find out.

So much I’d like to say, So much I’d like to do. I just can’t. I won’t. I don’t need this right now. I gave everything I had, and it wasn’t enough. It’s time to regroup, pick up the pieces.

Yesterday my unix teacher was telling us about his previous relationships. LOL, he told us that as soon as he broke up with the woman of his dreams, he was to look at EVERY situation positive. lol, he said that if at this moment he were to break his back, he wouldn’t say "This sucks, I broke my back" but he’d say "Wow, look at this pretty belt I get to wear" Ok, not that funny to you, but you had to be there I suppose.

Seems pretty long, but I have a feeling I’m going to be so exhuasted that I wont find enough time in the future to write journal entries. so… here you have it. Coy, good luck. Cassie, hurry your @ss on that new site

LaterZ,
kc