My day is coming. Today at work, well.. it was work. I have a crappy job. We all have. whatever. yOu have to do it. Mine will only be for a little longer hopefully. On may 4th I will be applying for part time. I can’t wait. How cool would it be going to bed at like 10 every night! How cool would it be to be bored? How cool would it be to have a surplus of sleep? Well, I may bite my words but I think I am going ot enjoy this. I need this too. I’ve missed out on so much. I need to sit back and let this college life hit me!
As for my old infactuation, the one in which bears the fake blood of my broken heart, the one in which I thought was angelic but brought me to the depths I never thought possible. Ok i’m done. I’m not sure exactly what to think about all of this. If I were to say I moved on 110% I’d be crazy, crazy about her. Obviously not as much as I used to, but enough. I’m really confused. I suppose I hope she finds somebody soon that treats her right. I wish she’d walk along the this crappy pond called green acres and accidently run into somebody that will change her life. Make her happy. Sweep her off her feet and show her a good time. Someone outgoing and adventurous(sp?). In a way I wish it were me that could sweep her off her feet, on the same hand I wish it were someone else becuase I know I can’t do any of that. I just suck at relationships, I suck at taking chances. I’m a coward and she doesn’t need that. Sometimes I feel I can do all of that, but If I could it would have happened in the previous eight months. She needs someone not so innocent and quiet, she needs somebody that is just as outgoing as she. Obviously that’s not me. Maybe things between us will change, but maybe she’ll find mr right. maybe it’ll be me, maybe it’ll be somebody else. I don’t know. I want so badly to be in a relationship, even with her, but on the same hand, I want things to go perfectly. I want the feelings to be mutual and I wish some things would have never happened. If I thought that she felt the same, none of these things would have happened thenI’d be living in a fantasy world. I don’t want to get burned. I don’t ever want to go through what I did. I don’t ever want to ever. Stick me with needles, throw me in the hospital for another two years, tell me in two months I will die, all of which would be physical pain, which would be far less painful then my emotional pain that I experienced not so long ago.
I’d be willing to risk it all just not to be alone. Geez, such a crappy word. Alone. I’m only eighteen I shouldn’t be thinking about this at all!! I have an internship grasping at my fingertips, and straight a’s in college and betsie to think about. This thought, alone, eats away at me both physically and emotionally. Give the heart time to heal, and the brain to think about my future. Or just don’t worry about myself, put my everything on the line, my heart, my soul, my well being and have it brushed aside? I wish life consisted of easy choices. I also wish that life came with a manuel. Broken heart, page 44 of the owners manuel, how to move on, next page… undo the move on, on page 42 … All of this is a huge mess. One that is going to take me more time than I care to imagine to clean up. I find myself more and more thinking about this… I’m not sure why. I shouldn’t be. I should let things do as they plan, becuase I’ve found out, I have absolutly no control over anything in my life, regarding other people. they will do what they do and inflict pain as they see fit. I’m sure that people think things are going better… but I suppose it’s still the same.
how blue can i get
you could ask my heart
and like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
a million words couldnt say
just how i feel
I think that about sums it up. I need to go. it’s late already. I’ve probably said things I shouldn’t but it’s ok, I don’t think too many people read this anyways. Maybe i’ll open up a blog at diaryland.com and go put my screen name something that nobody knows about, and then explain in great detail in what I feel.Strangers would respond and tell me how I need to grow up, or tell me how exactly II explained there life stories. I could do that probably all night. sometimes I wish I could. I really need too. If my broken heart could explode I think it would. Thats why i like this journal. This journal is like the holes that doctors put into lungs to release the pressure. Releasing pressure. I need to get my act together. Or crawl up in my bed and go to sleep. I think I’ll do both. But anyways…
LaterZ Citezens
Mayor of OzweegoVille
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