Howdy all,
Well today was decent. I did my usual running around, the washing of betsie, and the midnight washing of my laundry. I should be in bed right now but I can’t sleep.. as usual. No surprise there. I’m going to be dog tired in the morning for my eight oclock class, but hey,sue me.
Today I read through alot of my journal entries. It’s good to do that from time to time, even if it means opening up old wounds, drenching it with salt and then having lemon sprinkled over the top. It’s a good feeling, don’t trust me? Well you should… It’s horrible. I can’t believe what I wrote in one of my October journal entries. I mean, that is exactly what I was feeling, but I didn’t realise what I was typing I suppose. It was true, all of it. "My goals wern’t to grow up and be rich, it was to have her in my life." Obviously I was mistaken and have since moved on. Not on to bigger and better things and new people, but to new ideas. I figure to be by yourself, you only have yourself to trust, and in that case, I wouldn’t lie to myself. I mean, I do, but deep down I know or a fact that I am lieing to myself and it only affects me in the long run and nobody else. I like that idea. Besides the idea of being alone the thought that I have so much going for me. I am living on my own, pretty much independant from my parents, who I love very dearly, I have my own car, appartment, job, going to school to be in one of the leading fields of technology, it’s pretty overwhelming. To see that I’ve made it this far without anybody, in a relationship that is, is pretty neat too. That means I’ve endeverd life’s trials and tribulations alone. alone. A word that although may be depressing, it is doable. A state in which I prefer right now. Why? I can only trust myself, and even then I really can’t trust myself. Trust myself to follow my brain instead off my ticker, aka heart which has gotten me burned so many times.
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
I suppose I am a fool for clicking the send button, suppose I am a fool for wishful thinking, either way I lose. Either way I get burned and either way things will never be as they seem. I don’t want to make a fool of myself again, nor do I want to get crushed again.
I should be careful as to the choosing of my words, for I beileve my fanclub is more than that of just cassie and coy as I once had thought for the longest time. Although I’m not even sure if cassie care’s anymore. Coy, I never hear from coy, and when I do, he is usually just as depressed or as happy as I. One extreme or the other, averaging out to be pretty happy I suppose.
Well, it’s about 3 in the morning, I need some sleep, but I doubt I will ever sleep again. Probably just toss and turn with these hellish nightmares, and this echoing of god laughing at me in the background. But that’s fine, you laugh it up, there is nothing I can do about it except crawl into my own little world.
OzweegoVille.
And that is what I am going to do.
I’m finished, goodnight all
Take Care,
kc
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