Yes, that has caused me to overload my hotmail account. Over 300 messages becuase It was in what we call a snoopy loop. An infinate loop, an overabundance of my journal entries ….

Anyways
As for my website, I actually like it. It’s nice and peppy. I suppose things are going peppy. As for work, Im not sure when or if I’ll ever go part time. I hope so. It would be so nice to get out of work at eight oclock each night. Who knows.. I’m going to have to wait and see. Surprisingly my relationship with the person that holds the pieces of my broken heart is going well. She’s obviously still has her heart captivated by somebody else .. but that’s ok, I suppose in time she will hopefully realise her worth to me. Nothing hurts worse then to have her tell me she feels worthless. I suppose I am being selfish, but it makes me realise everything I did, was for nothing. That is why I feel so hesistant as to try again, will she actually know this time? Will she actually feel the same? Or will the situation repeat itself and I be the loser in which holds his own heart in his hands. Crushed. I am so afraid. I don’t know. One thing I do know is that by december something has to change, something has to give. And if it doesn’t … then I’ll know. I can then move on. I said that to myself once, but I beileve second chances are golden. If not for second chances, I would be dead right now. Maybe one day things will be right with us. Nobody knows until then. Not even I, although I wish I did. I wish I did.
Adios,
Mayor of OzweegoVille

Hey Fanclub,
Yes, that has caused me to overload my hotmail account. Over 300 messages becuase It was in what we call a snoopy loop. An infinate loop, an overabundance of my journal entries ….

Anyways
As for my website, I actually like it. It’s nice and peppy. I suppose things are going peppy. As for work, Im not sure when or if I’ll ever go part time. I hope so. It would be so nice to get out of work at eight oclock each night. Who knows.. I’m going to have to wait and see. Surprisingly my relationship with the person that holds the pieces of my broken heart is going well. She’s obviously still has her heart captivated by somebody else .. but that’s ok, I suppose in time she will hopefully realise her worth to me. Nothing hurts worse then to have her tell me she feels worthless. I suppose I am being selfish, but it makes me realise everything I did, was for nothing. That is why I feel so hesistant as to try again, will she actually know this time? Will she actually feel the same? Or will the situation repeat itself and I be the loser in which holds his own heart in his hands. Crushed. I am so afraid. I don’t know. One thing I do know is that by december something has to change, something has to give. And if it doesn’t … then I’ll know. I can then move on. I said that to myself once, but I beileve second chances are golden. If not for second chances, I would be dead right now. Maybe one day things will be right with us. Nobody knows until then. Not even I, although I wish I did. I wish I did.
Adios,
Mayor of OzweegoVille

Hey fanclub,
Today was excellent, I did alot of running around, worked on the new website a bit and also chatted a bunch. Lol, I was going to wash and wax my car today but when I began it started to rain! I couldn’t beileve it. I finally went out and bought a chip stick! I’m so proud of myself. It’s been about 4 months I swear! I can’t beileve I even put betsie last. I’m pretty ashamed, but I’m here now — super hero music plays — and tommorow she’ll be perfect again like she once was and always will be.

Let see… I’d write more about my emotions, but I feel I ought to keep them inside. I know I know… I just had a speil about that.. but with my new website color should come a new outlook on things. Things need to stay positive. My thoughts and emotions right are actually good, positive thoughts, but I would regret it if I spoke too soon of them. Only time will tell. When I move home in december things will either be far greater then they ever were in the past, or they could be the way it was for me back in January. I’m not too entirly sure. If I was, don’t you think I would be out right now and not typing in this silly journal? Actually it’s not silly … I look back and reminise(sp?) all the time, and it’s funny … I can remember exactly what I was feeling when I wrote them. Exactly. Some days I never want to read again, sometimes I wish I could delete my enteries, but another part of me is telling me to keep them, read them often, be warned of your previous mistakes and not make them again. I’m sure they will become benificial to me in the future, although I am may not see it now. Beileve it or not, I think about my future on a regular basis. What was and what will be. What will become of my future? Only tommorow’s journal entry knows.

Adios,
Mayor of OzweegoVille Adios,

Hey fanclub,

It was brought to my attention here recently that maybe due to certain people I censer (sp?) my journal entries becuase he/she may be reading them. At first I found this idea proposterous(sp? again) becuase usually my journal entries are me half asleep, typing whatever comes to mind. What I didn’t realise is that my right side of my brain in which holds all intellectual pieces of information about myself has a lock on it. somewhat hidden from the world. Pieces of information kept hidden to myself and for nobody else to know, but me. Maybe that’s so.. maybe I don’t… I got to thinking that maybe I would unlock certain pieces of this puzzle and relate them in my enteries. It would be nobody’s fault if they found these pieces of information except for of course the people that continued reading it. If the information they gathered through these journal entries at all related to them, they would know it, probably use it against me in someway, which just would not seem right… I have so much inside of me kept hidden, bottled up that would probably do some severe damage. I’m surprised it hasn’t done more damage to myself in which it has so far. Eating and eating away at me. Only I am to bear that responsiblity. For my own stupidity to keep it bottled inside.

Of course this is me at two oclock in the morning, just moaning about how things are for me right now. I found out that chances are pretty good that if I go to part time at work that I will be losing some of my pay each hour… drop down to 8 instead of 11. I can’t keep doing this. Working full time is becoming to much for me. Maybe I am young and stupid. Maybe I can’t do this. What if I drop out? What if I quit? I can’t quit, I’m not the quitting type, besides Ive never been one to back down away from challenges. I suppose I cowar from them. In everything I’ve done I’ve coward. The past six months I have been doing this, working more then I sleep. It’s hard to beileve but it’s true. I don’t sleep well anymore at night and although I still have a 3.9 GPA right now, I feel that my school work is going to be neglected in some way. I feel I need my life to slow down. I suppose that is what always gets me burned though. Slow. I enter relationships and try to pursue them to slowly, I like to take my time instead of rushing, but that leads to other things other than relationships. I like to take my time slowly drinking hot chocolate, but the slower you drink hot chocolate the more it burns your tonuge.

I’m sure my fanclub is reading this. I’m also sure that a select individual may be reading this. I’ve since decided to remove my tracker. Remove any indication as to whom reads this. I don’t want to know. I do… but would rather not.

To this day, badly broken is my heart that bleeds still… to this very day. I suppose like the common cold, there will be no cure for a broken heart, only time. It feels like it’s been an eternity, but it’s only been a month or two for me with my healing process. GOD, I want so badly for her to be a greater part of my life, to see things the way I once did. Things between us will be diffrent. Maybe in time they will be ok, but not now. Not soon. I used to think it was my pride that was keeping me from feeling what I once did. But I was nieve, it was my sense of fear. Fear of getting to close yet again, to beileve the words that have been said, or to even trust again. Maybe fear will lead me astray, but maybe my fear will guide me.

I need to go… my contacts are coming out… and I for once am tired. This is the first time in a while that I’ve actually felt human. It feels good too… it does feel good.

kc

Hey,
Coy, I’ve read your journal. Im sure we agree on some things, but not a whole lot. Especially on the relationship part. I didn’t say I ever wanted one (maybe I did, but I didn’t mean it) just not right now.

" Do I want to find miss right? I sure do.. but I don’t want to go out of my way and make my life more miserable getting my heart squashed as if it were a cochroach in the kitchen. It’s just not worth it. But on the other hand I want somebody to share my life and expeirences with. I mean I beileve that I am a smart, funny, fun loving, good natured kind of a guy. One who loves to talk and to hold up a conversation. But yet, sit me next to a smart, attractive women, one in which I might have a shot in hell with, and have a conversation with. My brain turns to crap, I act completly not normal, I get real nervous and my knees start to shake. So she leaves the conversation, and my life for that matter, just as quickly as she came into it. Not looking back…. And yet.. I wanted so much for it to work out… but I’m still nervous and my knees are still shaking. I go and run to catch up with her and I trip, fall, SMACK right on my face. I’m so dissapointed and ashamed of my behavior that I just stay face flattened against the floor. My only wish is that misses right is there to pick me back up again…. "

That’s what I want.

your right coy, we should start a mailing list. I went to php.net and found out some pretty intresting stuff on mailing. Once I go to part time, you can bet that that will be one of the many coding queries that I will look into. Except for one thing of course…. you need to update your site more than one time a week. Although I admit, you’ve been doing it at a regular basis now.

As for cassie, She’s trying her very hardest! LOL, seriously! I wish she’d hurry up and learn html. It’s so fun cassie, give it a shot! Besides that, I’m curious to know what’s up with you and the rollercoaster life that your living, that we are all living.

I did alot of stuff this weekend. I bought some video games, funny…. I havn’t even opened there packages… I bought a movie. SuperNova. I love space exploration, but this movie just sucked. A waste of ten bucks. But oh well.. another dvd to add to my collection. I havnt been able to actually buy a movie in so long. I havn’t worked enough hours each week to do it… before.. I used to get off work like an hour early every night… making my paychecks crappy, but liveable. That’s what I want, liveable. Liveable! If I had a hundred bucks to spend each week, on food/gas/lesiure, I’d be all set! I’d definetly have to manage money better.. but it’d be liveable.

I have everything I need in life right now. My laptop, movies, a pillow and a nice huge blanket and cozy carpeting for my floor. The only thing I need is sleep. And of course a relationship. But I can live without that. So many things I wish I could say, but not enough time in the day to say them. Why is it that these entries always end up this way? Talking about past regrets, mishaps and a broken heart. I suppose it’s becuase it’s always on my mind following how much I hate my job full time, how little sleep I get and my family and friends. All of which comes first to me. But it’s always there… tearing it’s own little hole in the back of my brain, making itself cozy, a nusiance(sp?). I suppose you know what I’m talking about coy. I’m sure you do. I realise now that so much has changed. WOW, so much has changed….

I remember waking up after falling asleep during a movie, I woke up with all my pillows next to me,sleeping on my side with my arm outreached as if holding someone close. Stupid pillow. How ironic that a pillow can mimic the breathing patterns of a human! Anyways… at that moment, when I looked down to see nobody there I then realised things changed. WOW, had things changed. The person I cared most about was in somebody elses arms, not even thinking about me, lost in the moment. You always hear love stories about people far away from each other, wondering if they are staring at the same moon as you, at that same exact insant, and if they are… it was meant to be. But they never prepare you with what happens if you look up at the exact same moon, wondering if that special somebody is looking back at the moon, but in actuallity they are gazing into the eyes of another. There is no way to tell. There is no way to even prepare you for the crushing blow when you find out.

So much I’d like to say, So much I’d like to do. I just can’t. I won’t. I don’t need this right now. I gave everything I had, and it wasn’t enough. It’s time to regroup, pick up the pieces.

Yesterday my unix teacher was telling us about his previous relationships. LOL, he told us that as soon as he broke up with the woman of his dreams, he was to look at EVERY situation positive. lol, he said that if at this moment he were to break his back, he wouldn’t say "This sucks, I broke my back" but he’d say "Wow, look at this pretty belt I get to wear" Ok, not that funny to you, but you had to be there I suppose.

Seems pretty long, but I have a feeling I’m going to be so exhuasted that I wont find enough time in the future to write journal entries. so… here you have it. Coy, good luck. Cassie, hurry your @ss on that new site

LaterZ,
kc