Well, today has been somewhat productive. It has been real busy for me. But overall it has been theraputic. Never once has it felt as good as it does now to have the air cleared , so to speak. I suppose Im still a little surprised.. but I suppose that is to be expected. anyways..

It got me thinking. The situation I am in now, I cannot control. I mean, I can control the simple things, but in the grand scheme of things.. I am just a pond I need to find out, pretty quickly. If there is a God, I do beileve I have ticked him off tremendously. But now is a good a time as any to make amends. For I now know.. wether it be God or Budda, something controls my destiny. It just angers me I have no control over it.. Well.. I suppose Ill stop while Im ahead. Have a nice day…br> Take Care,
~kc~

Ps..
I still havnt talked with my neighbor, last night and today have been that of a roller coaster for me. With betsie #2, a police officer and a game warden and all. Its a long story.. maybe tommorow Ill explain it.. who knows

Tommorow at like 7 in the morning I have to call the lady at the comissary on base.. they do a hire summer hiring program, and I know a friend who gave me the head hanchos phone number

Well, today was pretty good. I still havnt spoken with my neighbor about that job. Honestly, I havnt thought much of it. I dont know.. we ll see.

Anyways.. I didnt have to go lubbock afterall! I convienced my parents to go see starwars episode II. It was good. I liked it. although there was way to many special effects. I suppose it is hard to explain. Every scene was digitally altered in some way shape or form. And seeing yoda do that karate stuff was more comical then dramatic. Overall, as a huge starwars fan, I liked it alot. So definetly two thumbs up. BUT, most of all, Im not the type of guy that when a movie comes out, I HAVE to see it. Id much rather see it at home on a dvd. That way I can watch it again and again and again if necessary. Anyways.. there are 2 movies that had previews. Minority report (I think..) I am a huge tom cruise fan. Since top gun to MI I think he is a great entertainer and always has something new to offer the general public. That and Matrix 2. Matrix being one of my top 3 movies, I definetly want to see the second matrix which should be out in 2003. I cant wait. I am so excited. I never feel excited about movies.. not like this anyways..

Well… mp3 of the day is:
Everything you Want – Vertical Horizon
I know.. let me explain. Today, I decided to dig out my old school music. Started listening and -POOF- this song came on. Im glad I decided to get out my old music. I am enjoying every minute of it…Ahhh the good ole memories… and hopefully the good, not yet experience memories….

Somewhere there’s speaking
It’s already coming in
Oh and it’s rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you’re here and you don’t know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won’t return

Chorus
He’s everything you want
He’s everything you need
He’s everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone
To put you together
You’re waiting for someone to push you away
There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

Chorus

But you’ll just tight
And watch it unwind
It’s only what you’re asking for
And you’ll be just fine
With all of your time
It’s only what you’re waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won’t return

Chorus
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why
And I don’t know why
Why
I don’t know
Well… anyways… this is the song of the day

Ill leave you to your buisness now… thanks for reading.. Im off to go wash my car AGAIN, twice in one day. it rained.. Im sad.. I dont want to talk about it :p
Take Care,
~kc~

Well, today, as usual, I find myself learning something new about myself every day. First let me start off sharing my song for today. It was a tossup. Either between Tommy Cochran’s – life is a highway or shakira’s underneath your clothes. Well, I had to choose. tough tough decision. But after reviewing underneath your clothe’s lyrics more carefully. I find it to be related to love. And love, well.. I havnt had much luck with it. So I am going to pick life is a highway -CHEERS- so without much further ado here it is:

Life’s like a road that you travel on
When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There’s a world outside every darkened Door
Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won’t hesitate break down the garden gate
There’s not much left todayLife is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you’re going my way
I want to drive it all night long Through all the cities and all these towns
It’s in my blood and it’s all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From mozambique to those memphis nights
The khyber pass to vancouver’s lights
Knock me down get back up again
You’re in my blood I’m not a lonely man There’s no load I can’t hold
Road so rough this I know
I’ll bee there when the light comes in
Tell ‘em we’re survivors Chorus x2 There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once but now
We look it in the eye There’s no load I can’t hold
Road so rough this I know
I’ll be there when the light comes in
Tell ‘em we’re survivors
I dont know about you, but this song is great. Life is a highway. Lots of twists and turns, high speed limits and low ones. Obstacles in the road. Destinations to get to, and fun places to visit along the way. All in this game we call life. now I dont know about the whole love thing, becuase Ive never experienced love, but Im sure if the song is right about everything else.. Im positive it is right about that topic. Well, I hope it is anyways. I wonder what it is like. I mean, falling and love and getting married. That is one long commitment. What if your partner doesntfeel the same way about you? Geez.. that would be so horrible. I couldnt even imagine. Ive had my heart broken so many times it is just old now. But to really be in love.. lol.. oh well.. I have betsie. I have betsie. Feels good to say that. I have betsie. Nobody can say they have betsie. why? Becuase I have betsie. Not you, but me. she is mine. Forever and forever. Until some horrific accident parts us. She shall be mine forever, without any complaints I might add Betsie, I have betsie. That brings me back to the whole, life is a highway topic. Life is a highway. And right now in my life, Id be a fool to want to die, I have so much going for me. I really do beileve I can make my mark on the world. Become a somebody and actually feel good about myself. Although right now, I am not feeling any of it, but on this highway called life I shall make my destination. Even if I have to take a billon detours. I will.. which begs me to ask the question. when I do, eventually, get there and me and betsie have to part, due to my corvette. What will I do with betsie? Will she forever be mine? Will i treat her with the same respect and care for her as I do now? I hope, that I am a decent enough man to say this with a hundred and ten percent satisfaction, that yes, I she will forever be mine, and I will treat her with the same respect and care for her as I do now. Why? Just becuase I get a corvette, she will still be with me. She has never once left my side and has never spoken badly about me. (Hopefully she never speaks to me.. hehe..) and more importantly she has always been there for me. In my most troublesome times..

By now you probabley think of me as some sick and twisted individual that has either
A.) way to much time on his hands
b.) A complete loser with nothing else to hold onto
c.) Somebody that likes who he is, values and appreciate things that means alot to him, who is who he is and just so happens to take alot of pride in his accomplishments, even if it means making himself look like a complete and utter idiot.

The correct answer is C.
I value my accomplishments. And I take pride knowing that I have earned betsie. Even if it means acting like an idiot, at the expense of people liking me. I do care, do not get me wrong. But I am who I am. And I dont want to change just just to make myself look like something I am not. That isnt me, nor will that ever be me. Hopefully, I can make myself change inner qualities that I find repulsive about myself, but that will happen in due time. But until that happens.. I have betsie, I have betsie! Ha, you dont have her! Nor will you ever! Ha!

rant/vent over

Well, today was fairly productive.. I think…
I worked a heck of a lot today. Although Im sure I will be written up for something. I worked 4 hours of over time. Big Big no no. but if they dont like it, they can just suck on some big fat apples. I dont care, they dont pay me enough nor do they give me enough hours to make a dent in my college savings fund. I suppose that is the wrong state of mind.. but it doesnt bother me any… I need to talk with my neighbor, but I havnt had the chance. I am so hoping that she will be the greatest person in my life for today, and come over and tell me she musturd that job for me! If not.. hopefully ben franklins will pull through for me.. My mind is full of wishful thinking, on lots of things not just work, so if I am not good enough for these two jobs.. then so be it. It will give me time to relax and learn more about myself. Which would be good. I have changed so much in the past 3 years. Most of it for the better and Im proud -PUFFS OUT CHEST- hehe.. anyways… that is my egotisticalness showing.. which by the way is something bad that I have acquired over these past 3 years… anyways.. back to my train of thought… so I worked alot today.. then I went to a friends house, came back and read alot of my bernie mac book. It is so great, has alot of cussing, but it is so true and so funny at the same time. he talks about how he is tired of people acting like somebody else, just for acceptance. Which, I have been known to do it at times and I for one hate it. hate it hate it. Why should somebody act like something they are not just to get acceptence. That isnt fair to the acceptor and the aceptee(sp?) so anyways.. that is a great book..
I also had a bbq all by myself.. my mom has been gone for 6 hours now.. my dad is at work, so all you physco pathic killers out there, if you act quickly.. you can add me to your list.

So what am I going to do tonight? Probabley not much.. just talk to people and watch a movie. I need to watch a good wholesome lovie dovie movie or a comedy. Probabley a comedy. Id take a comedy any day of the week. I love to laugh. It makes me feel that much better. OH! almost forgot. Not only do I have betsie, I have lexie! She is my puppy. today I think we really bonded. for whatever reasons I have no idea.. but we did. all the while I was gone, my mom said she was sitting at the door, and for the 3 or 4 hours I was gone she never moved her position until I returned home. Now I cant get her out from under my feet! I love lexie. She is such a great puppy. And an even better base for me to build emotional strength. Anyways.. now that i have actually noticed how much I have been rambling I had better go. I am listening to old music whichI havnt listend to in a while, space between, time of your life and ect.. anyways.. I have rambled enough. besides that.. mom just entered the house with about 50 boxes of shoes.. Geez… women and their shoes, and geeky guys with there vehicles.. what is next? Who knows…
Take Care,
~kc~

Well, I dont know what got into me. I have checked all the local buisnesses and still with no luck. But today, I thought, why not go once more? I did.. and -POOF- all of a sudden, I got two applications (one at ben franklins and the other at the chevy place down on mabiry drive) and, ontop of all of that, my neighbor said she is going to talk with her boss to let me do some data entry which would give me 19 hours a week. She said shed try her hardest, and she never lets me down. So maybe, just maybe I wont be a loser after all! Ok.. I will still be a loser, except a loser with a job Hopefully…….

Well, today has definetly been better than yesterday. I swear, one more argument and me and betsie were going to take a drive over the cliff. Only about twice in my entire life have I felt so low, and so bad about myself. Yesterday I hated everything about me, from my attitude to my hair. I was sick to death of myself. It was horrible. But with some companey and a talk with my parents things are better now. I suppose.. As of the next payment they will be taking over. Which is good.. becuase when I pick up my school paycheck I shall have only 700 dollars. Not nearly enough. So I suppose things are looking up. Things would be much better if I could get a decent job. 20 hours a week would be perfect. Hell, 15 hours a week would be perfect. Combined with my farmers electric job that would be 20 hours. And I know life cannot be planned, nor even predicted, but at least, for once, please let things go my way. I have worked so hard. Id hate for it to be all wasted. I know, I have to think optomistic, but if things fell short for me… man, who knows what Id do. But I cant think like that All my life I have been pesimistic, maybe its time for a change. Maybe I shall change my views, maybe turn optomistic? Who knows… but hopefully things will look better. But I must admit, today Id say was a fairly sucessful day. I kept myself busy, went around town again, went and put in my 2 hours of work and then came home.. to work on my website. Thank goodness for hootie and the blowfish. That cd is the only thing I have to help keep my sanity. I am going nuts.. wasting away here.. I cant wait to move. I really cant. I will be leaving people behind, but Im sure they dont feel the same way as I do them, so it wont be so hard saying goodbye. But I shall make it my personal goal to see each and every one of them out. Wether it be in my pinto or my corvette. I will One day… which day will that be? Who knows… I dont know much of anything anymore. I only know things cant get anyworse and things have to get better. But only time will tell, damn time…. My greatest friend, and yet my worst enemy….
Take Care,
~kc~

Well, this morning I ran around town running my errands. Filling out financial aid stuff. Washed the inside and outside of betsie. I sort of had to. Lauren went with me today.

Wow, lauren went with me today. THE lauren! Yes, the same lauren I met my sophmore year. The same lauren I wanted to awknowledge my existence. The same lauren I would have loved to have just spoken with her for 5 minutes. And she, lauren, was sitting in my car, and I was privelaged enough to buy her ice cream Also privelaged enough to take time out of laurens day. You just dont understand how many times I had to tell myself this Why have I mentioned her so many times you ask? In hopes that one day she will read this and realise(sp?) how much she leaves me in awe, and one of the few reasons why leaving clovis will be so crappy. And in hopes that she would forgive me. You see, I told her a lie. Im paraphrasing of course, but I told her something to the extent, in an email, that I wished she thought of me as much as I do of her. Although now I wish I hadnt, becuase now, with college approaching and time for the class of 02 to go their own seperate ways, other than my parents and closest of friends, she will be one of the very select few people that I will have the hardest time leaving behind. and if she thinks of me alot, it will make it that much harder. She has helped me see things in a much bigger picture (before I had blinders to the world ) so lauren I thank you for that. one final thought, lauren you rock!

Lauren count = 11

Multiply that by a billion and you get the picture as to what type of a person she is.

Ok.. enough enough Hopefully she doesnt think I am stalking her.. hehe.. I am not! I just pay attention to detail thats all.

Anyways.. lets talk about my true love betsie. Today was a sad day. I washed her. It took me about 2 and a half hours. I usually take my time and make it seem like I actually put forth some effort.. but that is besides the point. Today I found she has alot of tiny tiny scratches! From a distance you cannot tell they are there, although when pointed out up close, they are very obvious. I am so sad! And to top it off.. not only a hour after I washed her she has gotten all dirty! Like I went to fast over a water puddle or something.. Grrr… hehe.. sorry.. Im hyper, Its only 9:30, I am sooo exhuasted, I have had so much coke to keep me wired until next new years eve. Which is ok.. becuase.. well.. I dont know why. Anyways.. let me get back to betsie. I washed her. I had to clean up ice cream somebody spilt a while back.. $coughs$ wont mention any names.. hehe.. but all is well now. Hopefully betsie knows how much I appreciate her, although sometimes I do treat her poorly. Though Im sure she understands. Id never do anything to harm her, well, on purpose anyways. Accidents do happen. And hopefully betsie understands this, and will continue to function like the princess she is. I just hope she wont get jealous of tinker bell.
What am I going to do tommorow? I have no idea. But if worse comes to worse I will rent a good movie. I havnt seen the southpark movie which I hear is excellent. so that should be fun. I have been trying to do simple stuff to keep my busy.. stupid stuff. like barbaque, mow the yard, weed eat, walk the dogs, take the dogs to green acres, clean the house, do the dishes. all to keep my mind clear and to pass the time. anyways.. I had better get going.. becuase my eyes are getting a little heavey… anyways.. night all. And thanks for reading. And please, to me, you are perfect how you are. You is what makes you attractive intellegent and a good person. So try not to be somebody your not.. for me.. ok?!
Take Care,
~kc~

ps Seems like I just did this… but krazy! Email me please and at least give me your location!